Heartbroken and feel lost

[AmillionDreams1]

So my ex (35) and I (30) were together for 3 years. Things towards the end went a bit sour and we decided to have time apart. He moved back into his parents. We still met up, had the occasional “intimacy” , and spoke daily. A few times he mentioned he had no idea how we would move forward because he doesn’t trust me?? but I said I’ll do anything possible to prove he has nothing to worry about!

Im sure there has been times I’ve upset him and I’m not perfect but NEVER have I ever cheated in any way. Never even looked at another man, flirted , text, nothing. He on the other hand has. From creating another instagram account (and blocking me on it) so he could like other girls photos without me knowing , messaging them etc. Then after months of texting another woman (complimenting her and saying he couldn’t wait to get her in bed etc) he took her out for drinks and walks in the park. Muggins over here accepted his cheating arse back after the constant begging.

As time has gone on other things have happened . Getting more women’s numbers, flirting , even going as far as calling and laughing about me to one of them! All of which I have let go for the sake of our relationship and our 3 kids (from previous marriages).

Earlier this year I got an email where he ordered a takeaway to some random house. He lied and said he was sat in the car outside said house with his friend but didn’t know who lived there (lol). Rang me straight away like don’t be daft I’ll come home now if you want lalala… He made this big twisted story up. For months I have not let it drop as it hasn’t sat right! I finally found out who lives there after knocking on (yes a little crazy) 3 months on…. Asked the girl and it turns out she has been seeing my “boyfriend” for 6 months now.. she loves him. She has met my step daughter and everything. He stays over at least once a week.

I’ve confronted him in hysterics, pleading for answers, asking why. He believes because we was on a break we were single and he’s done nothing wrong. However at the start of seeing her we hadn’t decided on space and I was actually 6 weeks pregnant with our first baby together (which I later miscarried) I didn’t realise it was a full on break up either?? And he is denying it’s anything more than a friendship to him.

Out of desperation and panic I turned up - asking him who he wants. Me or her? And he said we can’t sort it between us. But doesn’t want her either. He’s asked ME for space because his head mashed. He also said he needed to apologise to her and deal with this situation? Which proves his loyalties to her. I told him when I walk out this door he will never see me again. He cried and said it’s for the best.

I’m absolutely BROKEN. All this time I’ve been loyal, loving , committed. And he’s been out doing the dirty on me without a second thought.

The pain is unbearable. Everything is over just like that! He doesn’t even seem bothered in the slightest. He’s replied once saying “it’s done just move on and be happy” and ignored the rest of my pathetic texts begging for one last shot.

How will I ever get over this 😭 the images in my head of him in bed with another woman is haunting me?!! She’s pretty and lives in a lovely house. It’s unfair that he gets to go be happy and play step daddy to her 3 kids and I’m in bits trying to be a mum to my 2. I am gutted my step daughter who’s 6 will never see me again. I love her like my own.

Please help. I know I sound pathetic but I’ve never felt so low

X

It would be better not to engage with any drama @AmillionDreams1

Just block him. That will confuse the hell out of him.

Keep doing the reading and in the end you will realise you had a lucky escape. Though that doesn't mean you can't still feel sad about the fact he was not who you thought he was and it's sad the relationship had to end.

He's a slut. You don't want that around your kids.

So many red flags. He's treated you do badly. Just block him and move on with your life. A life well lived is the best form of revenge. Good luck xx

@AmillionDreams1 - don’t communicate with him at all. You need to train yourself away from him. He’s utterly toxic and will only make you feel bad about yourself. He’d got you in a place where you didn’t communicate with men at all while he spread himself far and wide with women. He can never be trusted - he knows this about himself so he never trusts anyone else either. Because he assumes everyone has the same shitty standards he has. Sounds like deep down he despises women and thinks of them only as potential conquests, not human beings.

Get some counselling to examine why you stayed with someone who treated you so badly. The book “Women Who Love Too Much” may also help. Love between adults is supposed to be conditional. If someone treats you badly, you must take your love back.

As gets said here, the trash took itself out. It might not feel like it now but he’s done you a huge favour. You’ll see that soon.

You’re all so right. I just hope I’m strong enough to get through this. His priority and only concern was to apologise to her. He’s now changing all his profile pics for attention. When really he should be here apologising to me.

The last thing he said was we can have some space and see what happens.

that has made me cling onto hope.

even though he probably only said it to shut me up after begging.

I know I’m better off without him. Hes done too much to me. No matter how good the food was, the bad was totally unacceptable and I didn’t deserve any of it :(

I’m not sure why auto correct keeps changing good to food 😂 there was no good food ! Ha

Karma will come for him soon so just sit tight x

I went through similar for 13 years trust me, you don’t want that
he has lied to you , cheated on you, taking the piss out of your kids who obviously got to know him, even that alone would’ve made me angry enough to never want to see him again, but no that’s not the end of what he has done to you. he has humiliated you, been nasty about you to other people, talked about you behind your back, used you, and he has made it abundantly clear in his actions and words that he does not love you.
The messages he has sent you at least he was being honest, and he is right.
you need to move on with him and be happy in your life. he already cheated on this other girl with you, so their relationship is not going to last seen as he lied to her too, he’s just going round from baby Mum to baby mum and when he gets bored, he’s going to drop her to to go and find another female with kids that he can manipulate
It’s best his daughter doesn’t see you anymore, which is really sad, but it’s just gonna confuse her
by this time next year, and if you haven’t seen him again, she probably won’t remember Much
have you had been having unprotected sex with him? I would get her checkup at the clinic also
It’s likely he has other people on the go, as well as this girl
The reason why you are so still in love with him, is the exact same reason why I was still so in love with mine, your confidence has been knocked and turned into shreds. You feel crap about yourself and have latched onto him because you keep remembering the initial time when you met him, and that initial love of which you will never get back
you care about his daughter, but he has no feelings towards your own children by the sounds of it. You really do need to let this go block his number block your social media. Do you not let him call you do not speak to him even if you want to give him a piece of your mind, say nothing to him and move on
try be around friends and family if you can do anything to get this man out of your head
he is disgusting

I am really trying to stay focused. It just feels like a living nightmare. I can’t eat , sleep . I’m really struggling . Whilst he carries on being happy doing what the hell he likes.

Do they always come back? Will no contact make him miss me?

I want him to return and I can be the one with the “power “

Do they always come back? Will no contact make him miss me?
He'll probably try to come back because you have taken him back and given him a shag.
He won't have changed. He'll do the same again and again until you don't let him.

And don't bother looking for "closure", you won't get it.
The fact is he is a lying cheat who won't change his spots.

Sorry for being blunt, but yes it hurts, it hurts like hell, and it will hurt for a while, but one day it won't and you'll look back and think 'thank goodness I blocked him, he was awful'.

You're never going to have the 'power' in this relationship. He treats you like shit and you beg for more. He will never feel ashamed by his behaviour or devasted that he has lost you because he doesn't care about you.

You are worth so much more than this loser. Please get yourself some therapy and stay away from men for a while.

How are your children doing while their mother falls apart over a dickhead who isn't worth the tears? Do they have your full attention while you don't eat or sleep?

He's done you a favour, he's her problem now. He might turn up to get his cock sucked when he feels like it. He'll use you OP.

Block the daft twat and focus on your kids.

@gamerchick , hey, come on, give her a break. She's feeling like shit. and yes she needs to focus on her kids, but there's no need to kick someone when they're down.

@AmillionDreams1

The direction of his future will in no way make your life better. You are so focused on his life that you are failing to take proper control of your own life. That is the life that should matter to you.

His hurting won't make your life any better. If you were not capable of having a successful relationship as a compatible couple, then does it really matter that it is over?

Endings usually bring pain if only because you are losing the familiar. If you can't let this go in a healthy way, only you will be the loser.

@AmillionDreams1 it hurts but your instincts around this are poor - you talk about making him miss you and getting him back when it’s clear this man is damaging for you. You don’t need him back. You need him completely gone. You’re focussed on him and his life almost as if you only exist relative to him. Find yourself again. You have a responsibility to yourself and your children (at least until they’re a lot older and much less dependent on you) to have in your life only men who treat you well and relationships which serve you.

@Scienceadvisory is right! You will never gave power over this guy. Because real narcissists and users don’t let anyone have that power over them. The power of longing, love, sadness? No way. Even if he did miss you if he thought for one moment that that gave you power over him he would cut you off, reject you, or cheat on you to rebalance the scales in his favor.

This is not a good person. He has it in him to stalk, romance, flatter, and have sex with women but he dies not have it in him to sacrifice, to be faithful, or to care about their emotional safety or health. He used you—you thought you could be in a sincere relationship but he was just using you ss a placeholder. Stop fantasizing that you can ever have the power of making him beg or regret. Even if he did it would just be a strategy to get you back under his control. Not a sincere reflection of his real feeling.

It is tough but this guy has treated you badly and you are letting him get away with it... you have to go NC and no more meetings for'intimacy'

For all the time you have this man in your life he will ALWAYS have the power while you have none. He will never miss you in the way you want nor feel any of the pain you are feeling. People like that are dead inside. Block him on everything, right down to email and thank your lucky stars that you have gotten away with some semblance of yourself. Been down this road very recently myself and while I understand the gut-wrenching emotions you are dealing with, trust me it does get better with time. After a while you'll hopefully look back and feel pity and overall disgust for the basic and nothing man that he is and you are well rid. Never be the "pick me" woman - just take your dignity and leave him in the dirt where he belongs.

I absolutely need to focus on myself and moving forward without him in my life. I put on a brave face for my kids but I’m sure they know something isn’t right.

Maybe I am too caught up on how he’s feeling etc, just seems unfair he gets to be happy whilst I’m here absolutely broken. Like there’s no justice really.

I hope one day I just simply will not care if he is happy sad , loved up or single.

I will grieve him and let go :(

Do not do this.
He will either ignore you. Or reply with something hurtful.

No contact is your best tool.
You’ll be ok. Xx

I will grieve him You need to grieve the future you thought you were going to have and the person you thought he was. He isn't that person.

Op, this weekend cook a lovely meal and celebrate. He was never a prize just a low status man who requires external validation to fill the gigantic hole in side of him. Cheaters do not have the skill set (usually) to fix themselves or heal the person/relationship they cheat on. Lack of integrity, poor self soothing skills, low self esteem, inability to entertain oneself, lack of foresight, deception, poor self worth, need for smoke to be blown up the arse, self importance/arrogance, ability to compartmentalise, feelings they deserve more than their partner etc etc. These are hard to change and usually you are onto a losing battle. As you spend more of your life with him you are missing out and potentially damaging your self esteem.

If you really sit and think he will have other examples that you may have missed.

She won a booby prize and that is really the greatest gift to you. So celebrate. Put on your favourite tunes from a happier time in your past (long before him). Put on clothes that make you feel great. Write a list of why you are amazing- I’ll start: I am amazing because I stood by my word even when he didn’t meet my needs emotionally. Despite this I did not look for external validation via another secret relationship. This demonstrates I am a woman of my word even when times are tough.

Then when you have written 5 examples have your own party celebrating.

Do not text him. You did what you did - stand by it- so what? It will only inflate his ego for a while then he’ll need more smoke up his arse. Let your compliments fuel him for a short while, see it as a parting gift, blowing him out of the door.

If he ever comes crawling back then say ‘sorry I wish you all the happiness for the future but no I don’t want a relationship with you - all the best’. Revenge is a life of happiness - start today.

You are NOT pathetic. Its a shock isn't it. I've been here myself. Lied to. Watching my partner who's meant to love me perve over other women's photos. Make fake accounts. He slept with a woman off tinder whilst cutting me off for a month. Then he came back and still had her on his Facebook and still chatted to her!!!!

I went to therapy at the time. She helped me see I needed to remove my emotional thinking from the equation. You are thinking with your emotions..... you are thinking one more chance and we will realise how much we need one another and we will be stringer than ever. But you need to realise

He's capable of lying.
He's capable of blame shifting.
He plays victim.
He insults your intelligence.
He always wants more than he's got.
His ego can't be fed.
Nobody is enough. He wants more and more.

The affair woman doesn't mean anything more to him. She's been used, fooled and conned just like you. He's used you both.

Gossiping traits of narcissism.

Playing victim
Lying
Hiding truths.
Triangulation.
Gas lighting.
Impulsive and wreckless..

He's a grown ass man with children and he still needs to know he can "pull" because hes a silly little man who is emotionally stunted.

If sexual intercourse with another woman and rude photos and pervy messages and sneaking and lying is his level in life, then please walk away. You are right up there and he's right down there on the ground. He needs to level up. You dont need to level down.

Give him the shock of his life. Even if you don't mean it. Tell him

I'm ready to move on now and I'm excited to meet someone decent I can rely on..I'm relieved to be out of your games and already feel peaceful not having to deal with you.

Honestly you won't ever trust him. He's an expert at lying!