Heartbroken and feel lost

[AmillionDreams1]

So my ex (35) and I (30) were together for 3 years. Things towards the end went a bit sour and we decided to have time apart. He moved back into his parents. We still met up, had the occasional “intimacy” , and spoke daily. A few times he mentioned he had no idea how we would move forward because he doesn’t trust me?? but I said I’ll do anything possible to prove he has nothing to worry about!

Im sure there has been times I’ve upset him and I’m not perfect but NEVER have I ever cheated in any way. Never even looked at another man, flirted , text, nothing. He on the other hand has. From creating another instagram account (and blocking me on it) so he could like other girls photos without me knowing , messaging them etc. Then after months of texting another woman (complimenting her and saying he couldn’t wait to get her in bed etc) he took her out for drinks and walks in the park. Muggins over here accepted his cheating arse back after the constant begging.

As time has gone on other things have happened . Getting more women’s numbers, flirting , even going as far as calling and laughing about me to one of them! All of which I have let go for the sake of our relationship and our 3 kids (from previous marriages).

Earlier this year I got an email where he ordered a takeaway to some random house. He lied and said he was sat in the car outside said house with his friend but didn’t know who lived there (lol). Rang me straight away like don’t be daft I’ll come home now if you want lalala… He made this big twisted story up. For months I have not let it drop as it hasn’t sat right! I finally found out who lives there after knocking on (yes a little crazy) 3 months on…. Asked the girl and it turns out she has been seeing my “boyfriend” for 6 months now.. she loves him. She has met my step daughter and everything. He stays over at least once a week.

I’ve confronted him in hysterics, pleading for answers, asking why. He believes because we was on a break we were single and he’s done nothing wrong. However at the start of seeing her we hadn’t decided on space and I was actually 6 weeks pregnant with our first baby together (which I later miscarried) I didn’t realise it was a full on break up either?? And he is denying it’s anything more than a friendship to him.

Out of desperation and panic I turned up - asking him who he wants. Me or her? And he said we can’t sort it between us. But doesn’t want her either. He’s asked ME for space because his head mashed. He also said he needed to apologise to her and deal with this situation? Which proves his loyalties to her. I told him when I walk out this door he will never see me again. He cried and said it’s for the best.

I’m absolutely BROKEN. All this time I’ve been loyal, loving , committed. And he’s been out doing the dirty on me without a second thought.

The pain is unbearable. Everything is over just like that! He doesn’t even seem bothered in the slightest. He’s replied once saying “it’s done just move on and be happy” and ignored the rest of my pathetic texts begging for one last shot.

How will I ever get over this 😭 the images in my head of him in bed with another woman is haunting me?!! She’s pretty and lives in a lovely house. It’s unfair that he gets to go be happy and play step daddy to her 3 kids and I’m in bits trying to be a mum to my 2. I am gutted my step daughter who’s 6 will never see me again. I love her like my own.

Please help. I know I sound pathetic but I’ve never felt so low

X

Also - Read cheating in a nutshell
How to heal my spouse from my affair (it’s still relevant)
Not just friends.
Love yourself like your life depends on it.

Take and make notes on the best bits (or highlight to revisit).

Expect to go through grief but by understanding his short comings (sadly cheaters have many) you will realise you really are the winner here). It will take 18 months plus to get there but use the time to discover who you are and improve bits about yourself. I wish you well op.

Honestly I can’t thank you all enough for your messages. I keep reading and reading them. Makes me shift my sadness into determination and anger too.

I cry one minute, scream the next then ok for a while. I feel riddled with jealousy. Like what does she have that I don’t. It’s self destructive it needs to stopppppp

2-5 years to heal apparently. Tends to be Less if you don’t try and stay together. But best not to dwell on that!

Read the books, start with ‘love yourself…’. The exercises work if you feel crap. You may feel daft but you do them alone (I do them with my kids too). I like the book because it tells you what to do, no thinking required. Very clear instructions 😂.

Watch Brene brown - YouTube and Netflix. Learn as much as you can about you. It’s far better than thinking about him! Why are you the way you are. How can you improve. What do you do what you do etc. Mark Manson on YouTube and Netflix is good too (sure some on here aren’t keen but it’s have learnt things).

Have a good old series on the go. Like the simpsons or friends etc - in case you wake in the night or need distracting. Start on episode one. Get a library app - read stuff.

She has a low self worth man with many issues that will drag her down, that’s what she has and you are very, very lucky that you don’t! Let them get on with it. Honestly he is no prize.

What does she have that you don't? Let me think ... how about a lying, cheating, narcissistic waste of space that will do the same to her? You don't want that.

You want him to come back so you can have the power?

You won't have the power
He will still be a cheating twat
If he comes back he will do it again

Why on Earth would you want that?

I can’t believe you want a cheating scumbag who prioritizes the other woman over you,treats you like dirt and shags other women behind your back.

What she’s got is an absolute scumbag.
You don’t want that.
He treated you like shit. Remember that if you ever start looking back on things with rose-tinted glasses.
Block and delete him on everything. Then onwards and upwards. Who cares what, or indeed who, he is doing.
Move forwards. Don’t go back.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Nothing riles these dickheads up like seeing you happier without them.

We’ve all felt like this at times, but please, please stop acting upon it. When you feel better you’ll regret it so much. The secret of getting over a relationship is to force yourself to stop thinking about them, why they have behaved the way they did, etc. put a hair band on your wrist and ping it every time you think of him. Then force yourself to concentrate on reframing your thoughts back to yourself. Ask, how am I feeling right now? If the answer is lonely, tell yourself that you have your children, family, good friends. There’s nothing lonelier than being with a cheating scumbag. If you feel sad, let yourself feel sad, then go for a short walk. Have a bubble bath. Buy some new shoes. Someone who deserves it will adore your soft heart once you heal. X 💕

Can't you just focus on your kids??

It sounds like he could just click his fingers
And get you back, which, considering how badly he treated you, is terrifying. Why subject your children to this shitshow??

Don’t worry, OP, he is NOT happy. Happy people don’t behave the way he does. He’s a pathetic mess and deep down, he knows it, that’s why he treated you so badly, to try to one up you and feed his starving ego. He’s NOT happy and he never will be.
people like that do not change - he’ll repeat the same crap with the next woman.
love bombing stage will give way to the devaluing stage.

please block him everywhere so he can’t come crawling back to try to reel you in to be one of his “harem.” He’ll always triangulate, because that’s what he’s done with you.

he’s not in any way worth the agony you’re giving him, and in time, you will see it so clearly. You just need space and time away from him to get your lenses back to normal again so you can see him clearly for what he is.

how do I know all this? Because I almost married a creep just like this! I was convinced things would be better if I could just stop being so hurt over what he said and did. Like somehow, my hurt feelings ruined our relationship- rather than his actions.

he broke off our wedding three weeks before the wedding, blaming my mental health, and didn’t even help me tell all the people who were invited. I had to do it all and cancel everything.

after that, he had the absolute gall to try to remain “friends,” and then to get engaged to someone else on the day that was to have been our wedding day, and married her very quickly.

at the time, I remember thinking “why does he get to be happy,”

and now - she has divorced and left him, everyone is seeing him for the con artist he is, and he’s utterly failing in every area of life.

because here is a truth for you to hang onto: people like this are creating the world they live in, with every action they take. Trust me, you do NOT want to be connected to this creep when the shit finally hits the fan: it’s going to be ugly and embarrassing.

he’ll keep hiding accounts. He’ll keep messaging other women. And one of these times, it’s going to be a big mistake on his part. Because this kind of behavior always, always winds up causing problems.

But also, one thing someone told me at the time turned out to be true: karma isn’t like your own personal hit man or something - he’s just creating the energy that he lives in, and it’s all pretty grim and negative, which means it WILL come around and turn into something truly awful. But once it does come around, once you find out he’s dug himself into a big hole, by then you won’t even care.

I thought that could never be true, but I actually don’t care when people send me screenshots of the pathetic f*ckery my ex is up to now: I healed enough and got interested in new adventures and a new career in my own life, and he seems like a long-past (embarrassing) mistake.

so by the time you hear, you may not care. And I wish this for you - that your life becomes so interesting, that he seems like a boring moment of choosing someone beneath you, that maybe makes you cringe a little.

She really doesn't have something you don't. She's not better in bed..she doesn't have nicer clothes. She isn't prettier. Hence why he had you both. She was not worth him giving you up 100%. He also lied to her.

I get it..I was exactly here..I was trying to take back my control but I was hopping from anger to sadness..I wanted to type the angry messages. I wanted to show him he had lost me..I wanted to see him panic when i went silent. But the problem is you are dealing with someone who isn't wired properly. Anyone who is able to live a double life isn't loyal, honest, trust worthy or empathic.

I'll tell you what happens when you take them back. Because I did. After 8 months I took him back. In That 8 months he was back in touch with the tinder woman. He was talking to his ex until she allegedly moved on. He went on holiday with an ex wife of an old school friend. He was chatting to his brothers exes and god knows who else!!!! He then got involved with a long term friend of mine that I fell out with. He did all that and then told me he hadn't gotten over me. He said all the right things..my emotions were still raw from the silent treatment, the questions, the lack of closure and my own mindset. The problem was for me I went Into a dark hole and for 8 months I obsessed over him. I was literally obsessed with every little detail. I turned into a detective. Going back over old conversations. Analysing everything. Spying on his social media. Looking at every woman's page he was talking to. I was searching so desperately for the answers. Why me? Why did he still talk to his ex? What did she have that I don't? Why are all these superficial women worth loosing me over? Why doesn't he care?

The sad thing is I realise now that he treated his ex the same. All the hurt and pain he caused her with women, money and lying. She kept in touch because she was trauma bonded and he continued to need her help so there was always communication. Ice spoken to another woman who's life he turned upside down with his lies and he was seeing her behind the exes back.

For a normal person like us, we can't get it. Why wouldn't they be happy having a solid stable, dependable relationship. Why do they seem to choose this chaos. This drama?

That's the problem though. Nothing can ever be peaceful. He most likely will come running towards you again. It's not easy to find someone solid these days. Let alone when you need that person to sit back and let you behave like an arse hole and not question you. Most women pick up the red flags and don't ever fall that far anyway. He's on borrowed time. He will slowly get himself a reputation. My ex is 50 now and I'm mid 30s! He's still the same. Anyone I talk to says about him..treating his ex like s h I t. Treating me like s h I t.

These people often have minimal family and rarely have decent long term friends. They tend to go through stages with people until they've got all they can.

It's hard right now. You love him. You are missing the breadcrumbs. It's going cold turkey. Its not a nice feeling. Ofcourse him coming back saying all the right things would mean everything. But he's not a good man. He's heartless and selfish.. obsessed with sex and being able to get into someone else's knickers behind his partners back.

There's millions of women out there. He's going to see them. Every summer they will be walking around with their legs out. Everytime he's in the supermarket there's going to be women. Everytime he's online there's pages of them. Do you really want to always be worried who's going to steal his attention? My ex used to gawp at women so hard sometimes that he was zoning out whilst I was talking. Once he was driving me home. A polish woman 3 doors away from me was in her dressing gown letting her dog pee in the street and he stared at her for at least 5 seconds. I was talking and he stopped hearing me! Honestly! I said to him what are you looking at??? He said I was reading her van business name.

Living life in that world where as soon as you leave them on their own you overthink. It's horrible. Never knowing what they are up to and how far the lies go. It's eats you Alive.

Honestly keep talking to us. Don't Try and explain to him. He knows what he's done is wrong. He's going to do anything he can to ignore you and that conversation so when he finally shows up again you'll be so relieved you won't even Try and discuss it. X

Didn't even bother reading much of this, the first couple of replies were enough. Just another fucking useless twat with some poor woman giving him 99.9% more of her time, energy and headspace than he's worth. So depressing.

I Felt strong reading all these and thinking yeah I’m gonna cut him off , block him and show him.

when in reality in my head I keep going over all the good points , obviously some amazing memories we have shared together. And I just feel like this isn’t him. This isn’t what he wants. Why is he doing this. I actually feel SORRY for him that he’s in a bad place mentally and blaming that on his behaviour. I keep believing he will change and fully commit to me.

I am 110% trauma bonded.

Write down your thoughts. Every day. 3 things I loved about yesterday. Then free write for 10 mins. Then get on with your day. When a thought pops in think oh I’ll write about that tomorrow and tell it to go for now. M

He us a time stealer - yours, his, other peoples. Let him go and ‘live his life’. Work on you and making your life as good as possible - you cannot change him (if you want someone to change they aren’t for you) but you can change you.

This is him

This is 100% him

He is showing you who he is and what he is

He will be doing you a favour if he never ever contacts you again

@AmillionDreams1, please listen to us. Take a cold, hard look at his behavior. He has repeatedly shat all over you. He’s a narcissistic Player who will never truly commit to any woman. No matter who he is with, he will be deviously hunting others to cheat with.

All he offers is degradation and that will never change.