Sacrificing sex for the sake of the family

[CarolynKnappShappeyShipwright]

I am in my mid 30s, met DH at 18 and married a few years after, 2 DC.

We are the picture perfect family, we have a lovely home, amazing holidays, a wonderful lifestyle, fulfilling jobs, no money issues now...

DH, in particular, is a dream husband. He loves me so, so much, he does, probably 80% of the housework and childcare because I am lazier than him, I have no excuse for not doing more, other than because I have taken advantage of the fact I know it will get done. I am making an effort to address this. He is my best friend, we laugh, we understand each others senses of humour and we support each other.

BUT

I do not want to have sex with him. I have done, mostly because I want him to feel loved the way he loves me, because I do love him very much, but I don´t know whether I am in love with him any more and I feel so mechanical. I do want to have sex with other men, I crave passion, lust etc. I had that with DH for about a year, back when we were 18.

Half my life has gone by and lately I have been really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I will not know mad passion and lust and desire and good sex. On the other hand, I know deep down that DH is a much, much nicer person than me and that the DC are happy in their lovely lives and entirely innocent, and that a lack of passion is not reason enough to change that.

I know that many, many people have been through this, and I am waiting for an appointment for therapy, but I was wondering if anyone, further down the line, had any advice on how to come to terms with this.

Thank you

So make the sex good. If he's as nice as you say, he should be willing to engage with you on it and learn what it takes to make you tick. Teach him to please you.

For me it would depend on the ages of the children. I couldn’t break up my family over sex until they were out of the house. It doesn’t seem fair to them.

He has asked countless times, it is not bad sex that is the problem. I think of him like a brother and feel uncomfortable. He would love more and he would do whatever I asked in bed. Including not doing it, which he says doesnt bother him, he accepts it as "part of marriage."

I think you might have a case of the grass being greener. Yes you could separate and go and have lustful sex with someone else but then what?

If you just don't want to be in a relationship with him any more then that's different and that's probably more important to focus on.

Not fancying someone isn't sorted with better technique unfortunately. I did leave a marriage because of bad sex, but it was more I was resentful and just didn't fancy him any longer

Why don't you have what you had for a year when you were 18 any more?

My wild guess would be that either you feel you got into the relationship too young and didn't get enough chance to sow your wild oats and are worried you've missed something, or you like novelty and you'd get bored with anyone once the crazy intense phase comes to an end.

It might be worth getting some therapy to work out what's going on for you.

I had that with DH for about a year, back when we were 18.

Why on earth did you marry him if you stopped really being sexually attracted to him at 19?

The grass is greener in a sexual way, but I know that nobody else would measure up to DH in all the other ways. I wish my body would physically respond to how wonderful my brain knows he is. I want him to feel loved and desired.

So I have no intention to separate. It would not be worth losing everything else just for sex.

I just have never, ever experienced passion or lust and now that I am approaching 40 it is really hitting me that I will likely never know that and I am struggling to process that realisation.

This is such a good question and comment, and something I will really impress on with my own DC when they are older.

Because everyone said how perfect we were, everyone expected it, because he adores me, because I had an unstable home and childhood and we were going to, we did, build a lovely, disneyfied home together, and also I assumed it was normal for the honeymoon phase to wear off! As it is.

@CarolynKnappShappeyShipwright

I can understand all that. 😔

I'm not certain there's an easy answer. I think therapy could help you figure out what you want.

But I think that kind of attraction is very core / fundamental to your relationship, and is hard to intentionally 'create'.

Have you tried changing your contraception method?

If you're on hormonal contraceptives it can sometimes have a funny effect on you. Might be worth trying something else to see if it's something as basic as that? Because you say you did have passion with him in the early days.

I have a relative with similar circumstances OP. She says she never had passion with her DH but married him because everyone said he was great, their families like each other and they were a good match. She had a very unhappy life, longing for passion. They eventually divorced when she was 45 and she has never met anyone else or had any passionate relationships.

Ten years later she is still looking on OLD but says the men all want women younger than her. The ones who would date her are in their sixties now and she doesn't fancy them. She says she wasted her life although from the outside, she has a nice home, lovely children, good relationship with ex. She just never got her hearts desire.

Last time you had sex with passion happened when you were 19, now you’re reaching 40 and all over of a sudden realise that you miss it? Where were you for 20 years?

Have you tried anything before now on your end to try spark some passion back? Have you told your husband and allowed him an opportunity to try bring it back also?

Unpopular opinion on MN but join a BDSM club and take DH with you to try it out in a safe environment.

So if this is all that's wrong with your relationship, you need to put up a bit of a fight to save it.

Get your hormones checked - when I was 48 in all seriousness I told DH I'd never have sex with him again so he needed to figure out if that was a dealbreaker for him. Actually I was peri menopausal and HRT has brought my sex life back. See what's going on with your hormones and contraception. Seek specialist therapy. Spice things up (I know, I know) but I read sexy books and it gets me in the mood.

If you want this relationship to survive, and it sounds like you do, it's worth trying a few things to revive that passion, no?

Oh @CarolynKnappShappeyShipwright I know the feeling, I'm going through similar. The perfect dad and husband but like you say, no passion, lust and I feel like I'm not attracted anymore. Find myself fantasising about other men. I feel awful. I'm a similar age

Well that's a story of doom and gloom...and tale of warning I expect.

I left, found a brilliant guy on OLD. Amazing sex. Don't live a live determined by fear

It sounds like you're not just bored with your husband, you're bored with your life and you're bored with your easy relationship.

Not everyone wants an easy life. Some people get agitated and dissatisfied, and you might be one of them.

This is so relatable for me sadly. I can agree with pretty much everything you have said.
I sometimes wonder if it's because my husband is so lovely and so chilled etc that the spark isn't there. Not that I want a 'bad boy' or anything but he's just very submissive and I'm a more dominant personality and I wonder if that plays a role as I just don't want to rip his clothes off and yes it's actually feeling brotherly these days. So I wonder if maybe he flipped the roles the other a little that maybe that could get us a small spark.
I also don't want to break our family up over sex. I highly doubt grass would be be greener either.
Yes novel sex would be no doubt better, I think everyone can relate to that, but beyond a point where would it go? Would I want a relationship with them? They wouldn't come close to my husband, never mind not being the father of my children...and the sex would stop being novel anyways...
or would I just bounce around having fling after fling? I doubt very much that would make me happy and that's pretending for a second that there would actually be a long line of suitable men to do that with that were attractive and wanted a fulfilling respectful fling not just one night stand and ghosting. I didn't find a long line of suitable men in my 20s while at uni or living abroad or partying all summer, when I was young, good looking, free, fun, no kids etc ... so I doubt I will find a long line if divorced, had 2 kids, mid 30s onwards, far less opportunity and much more baggage etc.

Maybe if I had chosen differently I might have been in a more passionate relationship to begin with but I don't have a Time Machine and if I did I couldn't use it because I love my husband and children and my life, so i think it helps to just be completely realistic.

I think you need to get some therapy. You're so strangely focused on all the trappings and being "picture perfect" and blah blah. No real family is picture perfect. Real families, real relationships, are complicated and messy and broken and imperfect and strange even when they're also strong and wonderful.

You also have your DH on a weird pedestal. Based on your description, he's either 1) a doormat, 2) deeply resentful, or 3) both. He's not perfect. He's selfish sometimes and insecure sometimes and unreasonable sometimes. He's human.

Have you considered joint sex therapy?

Thinking on it more. I suspect part of the problem is a fundamental lack of honesty in your relationship. Either your DH has a very low sex drive, or he's not nearly as happy with this as he's telling you he is. I suspect neither of you is being honest and emotionally intimate with each other.

TBH I think you need therapy. You say you had un unstable upbringing, it may be that you were conditioned to think that 'bad boys' or abusive people were exciting, and safe loving people were not. A bit like the old madonna/whore complex that men are often accused of.

You said you had passion with your dh to start out with, so it's not that there isn't any chemistry there, it's just that as soon as he committed and became safe you stopped finding him exciting.

Even if you do find someone who excites you, if that is indeed what is going on it is likely that a lot of damage will be done along the way, to yourself not least.

I just have never, ever experienced passion or lust

Didn't you though? Your OP says that you had that with your DH in the first year of your relationship.

And the thing is...it is completely normal for the passion/lust phase to die down after a honeymoon period. It shouldn't die down to the point that you're not attracted to someone at all, but this happens with every relationship. Those that are all about passion and sex usually don't have any substance and will fall apart when real life hits (house, kids, careers etc).

My wild guess would be that either you feel you got into the relationship too young and didn't get enough chance to sow your wild oats and are worried you've missed something, or you like novelty and you'd get bored with anyone once the crazy intense phase comes to an end.

This ^^

Maybe you viewing him as more like a brother now is rooted in something deeper like the above and you're just trying to make sense of it. I think counseling is a really good idea to help you unpick this and maybe help turn things around.

For what it's worth, my marriage tanked because I made a poor choice in husband. Lust was at the forefront, which then yes did die down, and he had nothing else going for him. Terrible husband, terrible father. Passion and lust is great in the beginning but you need long lasting substance for when that inevitably wears off. It sounds to me like you chose really well for a long haul relationship especially since your relationship did also begin passionately.

My question to you op would be how often do you and dh actually go out on dates and go home to a child free house?

It's so easy to get bogged down in the running of home and family and life etc that you start to see your partner as someone who is there like your teammate or room-mate rather than as someone intimate. I find when I do have date nights with dh where we both go out, get dressed up and feel a bit fancy and properly invest some time in each other it reminds me that I really fancy him again and it helps reconnect us when being parents has taken over. Might be worth a try? At the very least you know you enjoy his company so you'll have a good time.