Sacrificing sex for the sake of the family

[CarolynKnappShappeyShipwright]

I am in my mid 30s, met DH at 18 and married a few years after, 2 DC.

We are the picture perfect family, we have a lovely home, amazing holidays, a wonderful lifestyle, fulfilling jobs, no money issues now...

DH, in particular, is a dream husband. He loves me so, so much, he does, probably 80% of the housework and childcare because I am lazier than him, I have no excuse for not doing more, other than because I have taken advantage of the fact I know it will get done. I am making an effort to address this. He is my best friend, we laugh, we understand each others senses of humour and we support each other.

BUT

I do not want to have sex with him. I have done, mostly because I want him to feel loved the way he loves me, because I do love him very much, but I don´t know whether I am in love with him any more and I feel so mechanical. I do want to have sex with other men, I crave passion, lust etc. I had that with DH for about a year, back when we were 18.

Half my life has gone by and lately I have been really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I will not know mad passion and lust and desire and good sex. On the other hand, I know deep down that DH is a much, much nicer person than me and that the DC are happy in their lovely lives and entirely innocent, and that a lack of passion is not reason enough to change that.

I know that many, many people have been through this, and I am waiting for an appointment for therapy, but I was wondering if anyone, further down the line, had any advice on how to come to terms with this.

Thank you

I highly recommend looking up Esther Perel on YouTube and/or reading her book 'Mating In Captivity'. I think she will have a lot to say that can really help you.

Since she was 19?

Christ. 🫤

What's the financial circs? Either of you more substantial earner? If he wasn't doing 80% of housework/childcare would you have left already?

I split with my first DP because the thought of sex with him made me feel sick. He was a lovely man but he never did it for me. He was my first and I was with him for years but I just had to get away... for me it was the right thing . Your situation is different and you need to explore all possibilities. Another poster suggested changing contraception as CP can put some people off - it put be off. You also sound lovely for caring and not wanting to hurt your DH.... speak to a professional who may help you, it is not your fault that you no longer fancy him and that he feels like a brother to you. Good luck I hope you find what will make you feel right.

I was the same. I left, had the completely amazing sex and now I’m single, fifty and post menopause, no libido but even if I had I don’t think I’d find anyone suitable.

I’m glad I left because my exH is quite narcissistic and it could never have lasted, but if I’d given up what you have I’d be feeling pretty rubbish.

This ^^

When you do get some alone time with your DH I suggest putting on a blindfold and reawakening your senses. Put on some music and get massaged with warming oils. Read some erotic fiction or listen to some audio books to get yourself fired up beforehand.

It sounds like you've put your DH in the comfy zone and you just need some time to reconnect again.

The thought of other people and the reality can be very, very different so I would suggest enjoying the lovely DH you already have rather than hankering over some fantasy man who may not even exist.

Or buy yourself a womanizer and light your own fire without burning down your marriage.

Good luck!

Potentially if she's been on the same sort of contraceptives. Some people go on something and stick with it, if it doesn't have any immediately obvious side-effects.

I've read articles in the past about how hormonal birth control can affect our tastes in men.

I think it's worth looking at the very basic practical stuff if you started out fancying the guy and having a good sex life with him, especially if the relationship is otherwise in good shape.

Suck it up op. There's no such thing as perfect. Try spicing up your relationship or get a new hobby or goal to distract you

I see a lot of these posts. Your husband sounds very good, from a 36 year old single guy writing this. You can't turn back time or rekindle teenage lust. Novelty, make time for good, involved sex, It is so easy to get stuck in the 925, and ultimately I don't want to sound remotely harsh, but perfection is impossible. You'll both have to make the effort to reenergise sex life, date nights, time alone, romantic weekends away, toys, discover some kinks, etc.

The alternative is find an FWB and have an affair, but living with the guilt would be immensely difficult and DH and kids would be destroyed, or at least, very hurt. So many women complain about this, especially if they've been with their partner quite young, which is understandable. Lots of ways to mitigate though, apart from finding a young chap who will bonk your brains out. Get creative.

@CarolynKnappShappeyShipwright do you identify with the traits of ADHD? You might find it helpful to read up about it x

all the best op

Yes, good luck, op. Needing sex is a basic human requirement, so no judgement here. No easy or good solutions, I'm sorry to say.

Have you considered swinging? Plenty of clubs around the country. It's not uncommon and honestly sounds like the best solution for you. Would be he open to it, do you think?

Swinging or an open marriage, but the latter might come as a shock to your DH. Might be worth a shot though. All these things need calm, measured conversation, so talk to him about It.

Lots of posts here are quite sad. Are choices when we are young, often define what happiness we derive in the future, and making choices when young Isn't easy, especially when trying to listen to others expectations of what they presume will be the perfect fairytale ending.

It's not her hormones, she hasn't fancied him in her 20s or 30s. It is because society accidentally assumes a couple is happy. If at any point she said to her friends they would support her.
Teach your kids you can leave a relationship for any reason, the other person doesn't have to be horrible or do something wrong. Even if they really love you, you not fancying them is enough. You wanting to do something else is enough.

People shouldn't settle, if they don't fancy one another. Society is a shambles. Hard for me to relate, single for ages, and a guy to boot, but of course leaving might be the best approach here, especially if the op considers him to be basically a brother at this point. Her DH won't want to hear that, but being considered a brother by your wife, is the most non-sexy thing imaginable. It might spark him into wild, passionate sex, judging by the posts that won't make a difference, but there are lots of ways around this.

I can see a lot of people think it's selfish to want a sexual partner or that there's something wrong with you because you no longer fancy the same partner as when you were eighteen.

I very much adored my boyfriend at eighteen, but I'd rather stick my foot in a bear trap than sleep with him now. I think that's perfectly normal.

Life is all a risk. It's a risk to stay settled and unfulfilled. It's a risk to brave it and go after your heart's desire. It's really up to you what you do.

But in your shoes, I'd either be separating or I'd look for an affair partner. I know both are seen as akin to murder in some people's eyes, but I'd find a sexless lifelong marriage equal to living suicide.

Life long marriage without good sex Isn't sustainable, no argument there.

Wtf
People are actually suggesting have an affair? Really?

I'm in two minds here OP. I have similar issues to you but the difference is sometimes I really fancy my DH, sometimes I really don't. It's very weird.

Sex is a very important part of a relationship, but is it worth leaving over? People are very quick to tell you to leave on MN, but it's a rough road and so many people end up getting a bit of sex for a bit, have a bit of fun but then just end up alone and a bit sad.
You have a lot to throw away for a bit of passion and excitement.

Op I hear you, I'm in the same boat and ended up reconnecting with an old FWB. It was exciting at first but after 2-3 times of hooking up, I got bored again. Not sure what's next and it's not really changed or made anything better.

I think it's definitely hormonal - I was fine until I stopped breastfeeding my youngest, and then bam! I suddenly really wanted to shag someone else! Maybe it's my ovaries screaming that it's my last chance to have babies? I'm nearing 40 too

I recently changed my contraception and I have to say that's made me feel less like hooking up with randoms so perhaps give that a go, if you haven't already

Next on my list to try is a therapist

Ideally not an affair, so far preference would be probably for the op and DH to rekindle the old spark, but that being probably unlikely, I'd be going down the different contraception route, suggesting an open marriage, swinging, etc.

Totally relate to both you and the above poster.
Personally, I don't think therapy will work, as I think it's problem your DH can't fix. As you said, he's like a brother. I suspect if he tried to 'act' in any way different in bed, that would actually be creepy and give the ick factor. I also think if he realises how you are feeling, it will destroy him, and the happy marriage you have.
Might be worth reading this article, in last week's Sunday Times magazine: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/stacey-duguid-interview-midlife-divorce-influencer-in-pursuit-of-happiness-h2pmlwpmh
Basically - she was clearly very self obsessed (basically, definitely not putting her children first), but the feeling you get at the end is if it were to do again, she probably wouldn't!
I think you have a LOT to lose... I would put up with it, get a dildo, and build up fantasies in my head and try and live vicariously through that... Passion and novelty won't last.... 5 years down the line you will be back to square one, minus the happy family. I don't think it is worth it.