Sacrificing sex for the sake of the family

[CarolynKnappShappeyShipwright]

I am in my mid 30s, met DH at 18 and married a few years after, 2 DC.

We are the picture perfect family, we have a lovely home, amazing holidays, a wonderful lifestyle, fulfilling jobs, no money issues now...

DH, in particular, is a dream husband. He loves me so, so much, he does, probably 80% of the housework and childcare because I am lazier than him, I have no excuse for not doing more, other than because I have taken advantage of the fact I know it will get done. I am making an effort to address this. He is my best friend, we laugh, we understand each others senses of humour and we support each other.

BUT

I do not want to have sex with him. I have done, mostly because I want him to feel loved the way he loves me, because I do love him very much, but I don´t know whether I am in love with him any more and I feel so mechanical. I do want to have sex with other men, I crave passion, lust etc. I had that with DH for about a year, back when we were 18.

Half my life has gone by and lately I have been really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I will not know mad passion and lust and desire and good sex. On the other hand, I know deep down that DH is a much, much nicer person than me and that the DC are happy in their lovely lives and entirely innocent, and that a lack of passion is not reason enough to change that.

I know that many, many people have been through this, and I am waiting for an appointment for therapy, but I was wondering if anyone, further down the line, had any advice on how to come to terms with this.

Thank you

This isn’t about hormones or your contraceptive or needing therapy FFS.

You’re just with the wrong bloke. Just because he’s amazing, doesn’t mean he’s the right man for you. Unfortunately, you’ve got a lot binding you together and it’s seriously had to leave when there’s nothing “wrong”. I sort of hope that your future ends up like mine (but mine had no DCs in it)

I was married to a brilliant man quite young. He was wonderful, everyone thought we were a perfect couple, he adored me. Like you, he carried the domestic load. He was (is) probably one of the best people I’ve ever met. But that doesn’t mean he was right for me. After the first couple of years, the sex made me feel sick. I definitely cried a few times (he never forced me or anything, I just felt it was really unfair on him to live with no sex). But when everything else is spot on, you’re really not going to leave.

Then I met a man through work. An affair (very secretively) happened. It gave me enough motivation to leave ExDH. 14 years later, my new DH isn’t perfect, puts me on no pedestal etc, but he’s my perfect match. The sex is still top notch.

But, if I’d had DCs the story may have been different. I wouldn’t blame you if you gritted your teeth and managed till they were in Uni. I also wouldn’t blame you if you had an affair.

There’s nothing wrong with you OP. Hope you find a solution that makes you happy (because even when you have DC, you still have a right to be happy)

Then just leave the marriage; affairs are never the answer.
There’s other options and all are better than being a slag.

There are other descriptive words you could use that aren't horribly misogynist, but I guess we make our own choices in life, eh?

I left my partner due to lack.of sex. He had kids but I didn't.. felt so selfish but oh I wish I'd done it sooner, I'm so much happier - sex is a thing for self worth.. he deserves to have that as do you.

Cross stitch to help the itch?

Christ. Raise your bar.

I'm not sure being a cunt on MN is better than being a 'slag' but here we are.

Dump him. You deserve so much better.

I think married people are a bit delusional at times. Some essential oils and a date night are definitely not enough to fix this. OP wants to shag someone else, she wants to be desired madly by someone new, she wants to see other penis's; she isn't just tired or not putting enough effort in!
Life is short. Tell your husband how you feel and go get laid.

If he was less willing to do most of the chores.... if he kicked up a stink about it and asked you to pull your weight... would that change how you feel about him?

@Cushion1cover Yep. When you choose to have a family you shooed to make sacrifices.

Children come before sex

I would not rock the boat personally OP but then again I’d be very very happy to have the life you say you have. And I think stability is super important for kids.

I do think there is probably something in your craving novelty, feeling like you missed out on sowing your wild oats, and possibly your unstable childhood making you desire “bad boys”. I do think it’s worth hashing all this out with a psychotherapist before making any sudden moves (and I also think it might be worth a go having sex counselling as a couple).

However it’s your life. Just whatever you do do NOT have an affair. I can’t believe people here are suggesting that with zero thought to what the person being cheated on suffers. It’s so completely unfair to your partner and he does not deserve that at all and you know it. Stay or leave, your choice, but don’t do that to him. I’ve been the person who was cheated on and it destroyed me. I honestly feel it’s a form of emotional and psychological abuse.

try long distance for a little while, he will feel like a stranger when you return and the passion will reignite!

I agree with the others that an affair is not the way forward but likewise you shouldn't just dutifully accept a passionless life. I understand, my ex was very passive about sex and had a low sex drive, and I realised after years of marriage that I probably never fancied him much but I didn't know better when I was on my 20s. We are now divorced (there were a lot of other problems) and I found an amazing new partner who I fancy like crazy. I now realise what a great sex life can be like and I am profoundly grateful for having that in my late 40s.

Perhaps though since you otherwise have no complaints it is worth having a very honest but not cruel discussion with your DH and suggest seeing a sex therapist together? Maybe he would enjoy exploring this side of your relationship and developing more desire between you. The Esther Perel book recommended above is also very helpful.

It's really a personal choice whether to have an affair or not. I'm not recommending any course of action. But frankly, people have been having them for as long as there have been couples. As much as marriage is idealised as a love connection, in reality it's as much a financial entanglement as it is anything. You each assume responsibility for another human being, and your children.

But when it is held together more as a relationship of convenience and mutual benefit, it doesn't necessarily follow that there will be integral love and passion. And for time immemorial, people have had secondary relationships in order to keep that unit functioning, because the desire for love and sex is so incredibly intense, people will literally kill each other over it.

Someone said up thread that children come before sex, which is ironic because children come after sex, actually. The need to procreate can be overwhelming. We have that urge to keep the human race alive, which is partly why it can be so incredibly hard to resist when you fall in love with someone.

We're not talking about logical decisions here. We're talking about being humans driven by desires we are simply not in control of. But we do need to temper that. So for some, it might be staying in a marriage that is generally happy and logically successful, but having a lover to fulfill a need. Or it might be deciding to ask for an open marriage. It might be trying to make yourself have those feelings for the partner you have. It might be deciding, you know what, bollocks, and getting a divorce and trying again. But one thing we absolutely cannot do, is turn off our feelings and our instincts.

Thank you all for all the insights and suggestions, I really appreciate them all.

Just in answer to a couple of points:

I am not on any hormonal contraception, I came off that a decade ago wondering if it was that which was killing my sex drive. I do have a vibrator, it isn’t a replacement!!

I am resolved not to leave, sex is important but it isn’t a replacement for the rest, and having seen my friends OLD experiences, it would feel very hollow I think. I don’t want to have sex with ransoms that don’t care about me, I want a mutual lustful craving!

I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow. Someone mentioned ADHD traits and I am pretty sure they are right - my DC have and I fit the profile.

Boredom and hobbies - yep - I have a lot of hobbies and sports I do to try and keep busy.

Affair - if it was a guarantee DH would never know then perhaps but he would be broken AND also it isn’t a cure is it. There’s no way he would agree to open marriage (I tried suggesting it) or swinging (I don’t like the idea either). My therapist also does sex therapy so maybe I can convince him to try that but I think it’s good to start by working on me.

This is very common. If you marry again it may happen again in relation to sex and boredom but your new husband may be worse in other ways. I am a bit older than you so I would value more staying in an otherwise very happy relationship. But at 30 I decided to leave my husband. We did not have kids from that marriage and had some adventures after I divorced. With kids I would not have done it.

I often think if only we could have an outlet for the physical side while not sacrificing the stability and endurance of romantic love.

The Greeks had different categories for love.

The problem is lust (often spontaneous, primal, animal) isn't usually very compatible with long relationships, family and domesticity.

Normally I would agree with this, but everything the OP has posted suggests undiagnosed issues that are bread and butter for a good therapist - unstable family of origin, mismatch in attachment types caused by unstable family of origin, thinking monogamous sex can be the same as honeymoon period sex, etc. I think therapy would really help her here