Caught Husband watching other women on Tik Tok

[Sparrow669]

i caught my Husband watching other women on Tik Tok , the sexy dancing all that vibe, I found this out by joining Tik Tok and noticed he followed a bunch of random women on there all ones that did these stupid videos.

We have happily married for 8 years with two kids.

A few months back I found a sexy picture on a WhatsApp group of a random girl with her b**bs out on a group with his mates. Which he had left his IPad out and it had shown up on the notifications. Luckily the kids didn’t see! We had a discussion then about how it made me feel. Now this Tik Tok this has just thrown me right off. Starting to feel really insecure in myself.

I don’t check his phone ever , I don’t even know his password. I’m not one to ask about who he’s messaging or anything. Tbh I’m a super chill wife but this has just really loose trust.

Any help or advice would be appreciated
And I don’t believe in men are ‘visual’ creatures rubbish , I don’t feel the need to watch half naked men online so I’m not sure why men get the free pass on that.

I’m sorry I don’t have advice, but last night I discovered the same thing about my husband. I don’t know if the women I saw are subscription types or if any chat or anything involved. I’m so not clued up to these things and don’t use TikTok myself. I hope that someone will be along soon to explain this stuff as I don’t know if it equates to porn or if it’s more personal (which I don’t think I could accept).

Sleezing over women on Tik Tok (and probably Instagram as well) seems to be all too common unfortunately.

Weak men get addicted to the visual stimulation and resultant dopamine rush from these platforms.

And I don’t believe in men are ‘visual’ creatures rubbish , I don’t feel the need to watch half naked men online so I’m not sure why men get the free pass on that.

No, but lots of married women read sleazy books like 50 shades. This is more what men do.

I don’t think it really means anything; my husband might look at pictures of boobs for an occasional wank- it’s not a reflection on me or our relationship

If you look at the comments there's always older men commenting on posts of quite young women & teens. Blokes are really sad & (some) women know that & make videos to get them interested. They then get money I guess from all the views. Sometimes the blokes go on to subscribe to OF accounts. I think he will just cover his tracks tbh - I can't see him stopping looking at women. I don't think it's anything to do with you though. It's just unfortunate that men think it's OK to objectify women.

No, but lots of married women read sleazy books like 50 shades. This is more what men do.

Are you suggesting that a partner reading an erotic book about fictional characters is comparable to following and communicating with by 'liking' videos of real women?

Seems par the course these days

The bottom line is still sexual gratification from another source.

Would it make it any better if he was just reading a lewd magazine, ogling a page 3 girl or watching actors in a porn film?

OK - women whose H’s chose porn over sex life - have a point.
But it's a different situation.

Sexy dancing on TikTok? And that is a danger to your marriage somehow? Those videos are 60 sec long.
Or picture of boobs someone else sent on a group of men WhatsApp.
🤷🏻‍♀️

What about bums, boobs, etc - in summer dresses on the streets - or on a beach? Does your H need to be wearing a blackout helmet - or better yet not leave the house?

Your self confidence can’t be hinging on making sure your H doesn’t see other women as sexual. We all do - we see others as attractive sexual beings. And that isn’t a threat to relationships.

If you think it is a threat - and your H would leave in search of those boobs - then you shouldn't be with him.
Or - you need to figure out why your self confidence is this low.

ps It doesn’t matter whether or not men are visual or get a pass. It’s TikTok. There are ads on TV with same sort of stuff; musical videos and movies.

you cant want to control all imagery

This.

I'm glad people see this as a problem... my wife paused at the full-frontal scenes in Game of Thrones!

My husband is always watching this type of stuff on TikTok. At times he will even show me something he's watching, like a bum or boobs, and say "Ooo she's nice" etc, I glance and tell him whether I agree or disagree. If I come across a hot male I'll show my husband, sometimes he'll roll his eyes and say "Having a good look are you?" and I'll respond with "Hell yeah!", other times he'll smirk and shake his head.

It's the same when we're out and about, we don't stop each other looking, it's natural, but it doesn't mean our relationship is at risk or we would act upon anything we found attractive! Chill.

Have you told him what your boundaries were?

You both need to discuss your expectations because some won't see a problem in this behaviour.

The bottom line is still sexual gratification from another source.

I would feel very claustrophobic if my husband thought I could only be turned on by thinking about him, or if I thought he should only ever think of me. Sexuality isn't so focused on one person, and doesn't close down when you are with someone. It's limiting and probably limits your ability to share your fantasy life and full range of desires to each other even within the partnership.

Nobody fulfils all our desires.

The bottom line is still sexual gratification from another source.

I still think there's a big difference between words on a page, published for anyone to read, vs engaging with actual people other than your partner, even if it's through a screen.

Yes having just discovered DH seems to have targeted specific women and possibly following links (and maybe subscriptions) on from tiktok, I am struggling with it all tbh. It seems to be a step up from mainstream generic porn.

Men are visual creatures. You’re disapproving of what comes naturally to him. Should women be shamed for reading erotic fiction if they’re married? You’re being sexist as this is his biology and he’s a normal bloke yet you’re trying to stop it.

Yep it’s soooo natural to watch naked women on TikTok, even the cavemen did it 🙄

Erotic fiction and images/videos of real life people are not even remotely comparable.

And no, men are not visual creatures, not more or less that women are visual creatures. That’s a fallacy sold to women so women accept men ogling at women in the streets or pornography.

Like have a look and appreciate good looking people, but watching women on Insta or TikTok or in porn when your partner has already expressed how it makes them feel is just disrespectful. And very grim.

My concern with regards to my situation is that it’s not just looking at women on tiktok. I’ve always known he watches porn. I’ve never tried to stop him, it’s his choice. However, that anonymous and impersonal habit is different I feel than actively following specific women with dodgy links in their bios. For context, my husband is nearly sixty and these women are young. Yes I agree that men like to look, but isn’t possible interaction a step too far?

That's okay, my husband watches these kind of videos too. Well, I also like to watch nice videos of handsome men dancing:-) And I really love my husband very much. But of course it depends on if he watches all day or just sometimes.

Neither would exist at the scale that they do if they weren't striking a chord with either sex. In the heady days of 50 Shades it was ubiquitous, with women reading it openly in all sorts of settings.

I'm not particularly uptight about what people read or watch, but find it a bit grim to be doing it in public.

Grim, this would bother me too OP.
Its disrespectful more than anything to be honest.
Put it to him this way. Would he be happy watching it right in front of you if it's absolutely nothing? I'll bet not, so he knows you'd find it distasteful and yes hurtful actually too.

And those comparing it to reading an erotic novel. Ok then 🙄
And those that have read an erotic novel, I bet were not hiding the fact they were reading it from their partner. Its not even comparable.

Men and women make 'thirst traps' on tiktok, straight men, straight women, gay men and gay women seem to appreciate them if they didn't the creators that make them wouldn't have as many followers as they do

Thanks for all the responses it’s good to read both sides.

I think it really isn’t comparable to an erotic novel in all honesty as that is just a fictional fantasy character and yes I have read those kind of novels. Some people probably read those to give them some ideas to spice up the marriage. The same with watching porn , I mean in reality men are never going to actually meet a woman from the porn they watch!

However I think for me it’s the fact these are real people like me and you making these videos , I’m not sure many people would stand for a woman dancing for their husband in front of them in the street like that. The only difference here is there is a screen involved.

In all honesty I have spoken to him he feels terrible and knows it was disrespectful to me. I have asked if he want to watch that stuff use a different profile one that’s not connected by name to him as personally I don’t want anyone who knows us knowing that is on his profile plus in future teenage kids etc. ( dumbass didn’t think of this before how clueless).

Im not naive and know that everyone looks that’s just the way of things but I do think it’s made this stuff so much more in your face than before. Also how old are some of these ‘women’ I would hate to find out my daughter of 17 or whatever had creepy dudes in their 40s watching them ew.

Thank you to those who understand my post.