Why is he lying to me?

[WhereDoesItGoFromHere]

I've been in a relationship for 2 years. On a day to day basis, it's perfect. He's kind, considerate, and thoughtful. He has lots of friends, people like him, his family is lovely. He is respectful of me and my feelings, he listens, he's empathetic, he pulls his weight emotionally, practically and financially in the relationship.

Everything concrete that I can see and experience on a daily basis is perfect.

But there are little things. Little things that appear to be lies. Nothing major, nothing 'real' I can really hold up and say what about this?

That are just making me feel uneasy. He denies that he's lied. Never called me paranoid - just maintains an innocence that just doesn't sit right.

I've been in crap relationships before and while they weren't crap 100% of the time, I've never felt this disparity before either. Where he seems to genuinely love, care for and respect me but has no problem with destabilising 'little lies'.

You have a sixth sense for a reason. Don’t be taken for a fool.

I had a relationship with a compulsive liar for about 4 years.
Most of the lies were so small and trivial and it took me a while to cotton on - obviously you want to believe the best of the person you love.
Eventually I found out he was cheating and I ended it.
When I look back I should have ended it long before because the lies were soul destroying, embarrassing and stressful, even before the cheating.

I would not knowingly be in that situation again.

Thanks.

It's hard because everything else is so good and I'm not even sure what I think it is he's doing.

The most obvious one would be getting sexual kicks online. I'm as sure as I could be that he's not seeing anyone else. He appears to be very 'committed' but I don't like the feeling of being lied to. There is never a realistic explanation just 'confusion' that I could think he's lied to me and denial.

Most of the lies were so small and trivial and it took me a while to cotton on - obviously you want to believe the best of the person you love.

That describes it very well.

I realised after many years together that my DH tells little lies, usually to get him out of a situation of some kind. I asked him why once, he said because everybody lies. I said that I don’t lie, so that’s not true, he just laughed and walked off. I just think that lying is a compulsion for some people, they won’t stop as it is a positive thing for them.

And the lying I’ve endured has added to the resentment I feel, so it won’t be a good outcome for any relationship.

There are a couple of things where he could theoretically have been telling the truth. A couple of things where I could genuinely have been mistaken.

There were two things this week and I spoke to him about them. He, of course, denied. Ridiculous, obviously lies, explanations were given. We haven't really spoken to each other since I got in from work. He went out last night and I was in bed and asleep when he got in and he left for work before I woke this morning.

It feels a bit pointless speaking to him about it becaue I know he isn't going admit it. He'll just deny and then were at an impasse.

So you need to decide if you can let it go and live with it, or not.

I can't

I can't believe it tbh. Everything is so good otherwise. Whatever the truth is and whyever he's doing it I just can't believe he'd be willing to throw everything we have away (given how he says he feels about me and sees our future) for whatever it is he needs to lie to hide.

Unless all of that is lies too. Maybe the whole thing is lies.

I am always surprised about how fluently many people lie. I have experienced dear friends lying about little things to get out of a social activity they didn't want to do. I would say I don't lie but I probably do without realising or to spare someone's feelings or to avoid a situation.

I suppose it depends how serious the subject of the lie. I have 'lied', pretended that I have finished reading my Book Group book when I have actually given up half way through. Presumably, the lies the OP is talking about are more serious. However, I do think many people lie without thinking.

Some people find lying so natural. I was seeing someone earlier this year and whilst at the time I didn’t realise I later realised he was bullshitting a lot of the time. Things he probably didn’t think would catch up with him at the time, eg saying something would be happening in summer for sure and now we are in September and I realised that was clearly a lie. Can’t be bothered to call him out on it as we aren’t in a relationship now, just in contact via message every week or so. I couldn’t be with someone who told blatant lies, I guess little ‘white lies’ I could tolerate if everything else was good

My ex is a compulsive liar. I now believe nothing that comes out of his mouth. I should have dumped him when I found out 6 months into the relationship that he had lied about his age. I didn't and stayed and it just got worse (he's also a narcissist). But it's stupid little things, he even lies about things I was there for so I know what happened. I would be embarrassed when out with friends and he would start with his lies and fantasies.

He could write a great novel with his lies.

I'll give you two examples from this week. Sometimes, he sits next to me playing a game on his phone. He only plays one game and I can tell when he is because of the colour of the light from the screen reflects on to him. The night before last, he was on his phone. I just asked what he was doing because I wanted to put a film on for us to watch but didn't want to interrupt something important. He said he was playing his game. He wasn't. It was a lie.He appeared to be reading/responding to a message. He smiled at the screen - not the smile of having read something amusing, but the small, slight, 'secret' smile when something has 'warmed your heart'. Or maybe even just mildly amused you. That sort of smile. But if it was something that had mildly amused him, why lie?I asked him what he was smiling at and he said he wasn't. That was a lie. I said OK, asked if he wanted to watch a film. He said yes and found something for us to watch.The rest of the evening carried on as normal. But there was a niggling feeling in me that something wasn't right. I don't 'question' him about things. It was the immediate denial that bothered me.My car is off the road at the moment and this week, I've been getting an uber to work, and he's picked me up. He messaged as usual asking what time I wanted to be picked up from work. I saw the message about an hour after he sent it due to being in a meeting. I replied and said I was ready now. He opened WhatsApp, read it and closed it again without replying - i was still online so saw it because he read it immediately. Not a problem. I assumed he was going to the loo or whatever and would message in a few mins to say he was on the way. That's what he normally does. Instead, he replied 20 mins later to say "Sorry, I've only just read this. I'm on the way now." He hadn't only just read it. That was a lie. The 20 min delay wasn't a problem. The lie was. When he picked me up, I mentioned it. He insisted he'd only just seen it when he said and asked what I thought he was doing. I said I didn't know but probably something he wanted to do for another 20 minutes without me knowing about it.I was a bit childish and said, maybe he was smiling at his phone for that 20 mins. He again denied that he'd been smiling at it. I said he had. Then he said he was smiling because he was happy he was sitting next to me on the sofa... i mean, thats just bollocks. We sit next to each other on the sofa every night at some point and hes never smiled at his phone because of it before.Those probably seem like I'm being overly aware or controlling. I'm not. I am more 'aware' of what he does now because there have been a number of these 'little lies'. I don't like the feeling of being hyper vigilant. It's not me. I'm not a paranoid or suspicious person. But as a pp said, I feel like I'm 'cottoning on' to something now.

Sorry. That had paragraphs when I typed it.

So often on MN the advice to women is to lie, but when men lie they are criticised.

Sounds so similar to my ex.
He would lie about his achievements, lie that he'd been present at certain events (I mean big, notable events like sports matches, political events) when he absolutely hadn't.
He told some people in a pub once (in front of me) that we had a mortgage, when in fact we rented our flat. Mad.
(I did suggest to him that he did a creative writing course because I thought that would be some sort of outlet for him).

That sort of lie is ridiculous. But so big and obvious that it's easily challenged and proven.

@WhereDoesItGoFromHere I had a very similar experience with my first (now ex) husband. Turned out he was online porn addicted and seeing escorts throughout our relationship of 10 years. He was lovely in all other respects. An absolute headf*ck for me. Not saying that your fella is doing the same, just that if the alarm bells are ringing as loud as they obviously are for you, then please don't marry him / stay with him for too long. Trust is everything, really

My exh was a liar. Small pick at your relationship lies. Like your life op. Until I caught him out on a whopper.. Told him to move out. By text! Haven't seen him since the night I caught him out. 11 years ago. The relief of not doubting your mind.. Mahoosive....

Yes that's true @WhereDoesItGoFromHere and I think that my exes lying was of a compulsive sort, not necessarily settling out to cover up his own unacceptable behaviour.
Eventually he was lying to cover up his cheating but that wasn't was happening from the beginning.

The situation with your partner sounds different as it seems you do suspect him of something, rather than purely being concerned about nonsensical lies.

That thing about waiting 20 minutes to text you makes him sound like a total dick.
He is a making you doubt yourself and tie yourself up in knots. Honestly, I’d Chuck him back .

He's chipping away at your sense of reality.

He would rather you doubt your own perceptions and feel crazy than tell you the truth.

That's no way to live, OP. Get rid.

Doing it deliberately to be a dick isn't him.

He obviously lied but doing it just to make me wait really isn't him.

I think he was doing something he didn't want to stop doing immediately (god, even just playing his game!) and thought I wouldn't have noticed he'd already read it. And then time passed more quickly than he'd realised. I'd understand that!

It was just such a stupid lie. I mean, he could have said his mum called and I wouldn't even have questioned it. It's the 'that didn't happen' nature of the lies. He must think I'm an idiot.

I know sometimes WhatsApp isn't accurate with last seen or being online etc but I've never had it open up, mark a message as read and then go offline again. That just doesn't happen. So is obviously a lie.

I just wonder whether his previous partners have just accepted it unquestioningly. Or whether he just didn't lie to them.

My husband does this OP- shitty lies that are so obvious and he shrugs them off when I call him out on them or accuses me of always having a go at him. As someone mentioned upthread- they don't change and my husband has got worse- even accusing our DC of lying when it's really him which I find abusive. I think nothing of stepping in and putting things right when this happens. Husband then lies some more to keep face in front of the children. Not going to lie- and he knows this too- but it's put me right off him. Am I angry, bitter and resentful of the fact I chose to have children with him- a big, fat, yes.

You need to either make your peace with tolerating him as he is (he won't change) or moving on. I know what I'd do in hindsight.