Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moving overseas with newborn. Father is in London.

64 replies

eveinlondon90 · 07/09/2023 21:33

Hi everyone,

I'll try keep it as short as possible. I got pregnant after daring someone for 3 months. The pill and morning after pill weren't enough to prevent pregnancy and so my angel boy is now here.

The father had become very depressed during my pregnancy and became more and more emotionally and verbally abusive. He always had anger issues but they went extreme. I didn't see him at all the last 2 months of my pregnancy and barely heard from him. He didn't care.

He says he cares for his son, yet He has also become verbally very agressive whilst me holding his newborn son. Something I do NOT want my baby to grow up with/around.

ATM theres no contact between father and baby because it became unsafe and abusive.
I hope in the future they can have a relationship though.

Now, the next issue. He has also let us down financially and never helped with rent for the new place we got together to raise the baby in. I've paid the deposit, 6 months upfront and another 3 months but the landlord now wants to evict because I cannot pay another 6 upfront because the father never financially helped. So I'm in a very sticky situation housing wise.

So that leaves me with hard choices. One choice being moving back home to Holland (from London). There I'd be guaranteed a home, I'd have my family, my friends and their kids, a safe environment, good care systems and schools etc. Plus I would be able to brearhe again and find my happiness back. I wouldnt have to rush back into work and leave my 3 month old at nursery.
So theres a lot of plus points. Except one... which is obviously moving my son away from the father.... I'd be happy to facilitate travel Cost etc.
But what do I do? Stay here? Struggle, be lonely, have min support, end up in baby and mum unit etc etc. Or go back home and have everything I need to be a good mum.

OP posts:
babyboyjune23 · 07/09/2023 21:36

I'm so sorry this has happened to you; it all sounds awful. Is the father on the birth certificate? What's his opinion on you leaving the country with the baby? If he has parental rights and responsibilities (by being named on the birth certificate) then you must have his agreement to take the child out of the country.

FriedasCarLoad · 07/09/2023 21:37

Usually I think it's profoundly unfair to take a child away from their parent.

In this case, I think going to the Netherlands seems a far better choice. He won't provide you with support and lone parents need support. Your son will benefit from a happier mother and an extended family. And you're even willing to pay for his father to visit.

Go :)

BingoandBlueyForever · 07/09/2023 21:37

Will he agree to it? If he doesn’t agree, and he’s already named on the birth certificate, then you might have to go to court over it. If he isn’t named as the father, I think you could go and he’d have to go to court first to get parental responsibility and then he could ask for contact, but by that time you’d be able established at home in Holland and a court would be more likely to rule that the child should stay in Holland with maternal family and have visits with his father, rather than ruling that the child should live in England with his father.

dreamersdown · 07/09/2023 21:38

Go home and give your child the best life. Holland isn’t far.

DWSDB · 07/09/2023 21:39

Obviously this is just my opinion and it’s your choice and what feels right for you but I think you should go home.

you have done so well keeping it together for your son despite being in a different country and isolated but do what’s right for you and him. If the dad wants to follow/see him you’re not disallowing that in the future but it’s not safe now. I’m not sure the legality of it I would suggest speaking to citizens advice. I would also go through the courts for regular child maintenance that’s enforced.

Go be with your family and support network, sounds like your precious boy will get more out of your side of the family than his dad at this point. Well done for keeping everything afloat what a hero.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 07/09/2023 21:40

You can't necessarily "just go home". The Hague convention is a thing. If he's on the birth cert, you need to either get the father's consent or get a court order. If he's not on the birth cert you're in a much stronger position.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/09/2023 21:41

He doesn’t sound like a father figure id want for my child- go home, live a nicer life for you and your child.

JaneIntheBox · 07/09/2023 21:41

It's quicker to go from London to Amsterdam than London to Glasgow OP. I even knew a few people who went there for work weekly, and came home Mon-Fri.
AND ... prices of a flight/Eurostar tickets can be cheaper than aforementioned Glasgow to London.

London is crazy expensive and a shit place to raise a family if you don't have much money, no difference between moving out there vs a cheaper part of the UK so going back to Holland is most sensible. PP will be able to advice r.e. courts etc but morally going home is the right thing to do.

JaneIntheBox · 07/09/2023 21:42

DWSDB · 07/09/2023 21:39

Obviously this is just my opinion and it’s your choice and what feels right for you but I think you should go home.

you have done so well keeping it together for your son despite being in a different country and isolated but do what’s right for you and him. If the dad wants to follow/see him you’re not disallowing that in the future but it’s not safe now. I’m not sure the legality of it I would suggest speaking to citizens advice. I would also go through the courts for regular child maintenance that’s enforced.

Go be with your family and support network, sounds like your precious boy will get more out of your side of the family than his dad at this point. Well done for keeping everything afloat what a hero.

They can't enforce child maintenance for a child that's not in the UK?

StillWantingADog · 07/09/2023 21:48

In isolation I’d say certainly go back home but this is not that straightforward if he is on the BC. Also it would be difficult to enforce child maintenance payments if not in the UK.

Bur still, overall, it sounds like the best thing to do. Your ex p might well agree to it if it looks like the best option for your ds. London to Amsterdam is no distance at all.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 07/09/2023 21:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Temporaryname158 · 07/09/2023 21:54

I would seek the advice of a solicitor.

is he named on the birth certificate? If he isn’t get in the first plane out.

if he is I think you need to evidence gather. Collate bank statements showing you paid all the rent. The letters from the land lord requesting payment. Communicate with the dad in worrying (email, letter,texts) stating what you need and put in a CMS claim.

if you can evidence why you had to move I think you are in a much better position. Especially if via solicitor letter you make clear you ar e it debugging contact.

if the verbal abuse was via text as well etc then keep all evidence

Original poster
eveinlondon90 · 08/09/2023 01:16

Thank you everyone, there's been such nice words in your responses. They mean a lot.

A little bit more info. The father has never helped with anything financially. Also not the baby. If anything he still owes us a lot.

I'm okay with him not contributing anything.
I've worked 7 days a week until birth, as I was able to having my own company and my pregnancy was healthy and good. So I did so so I could save up and support everything I needed for my son and myself. We made it that far.

As for the birth certificate. He is not going to be on it. Baby is two weeks now so waiting for our appointment. He was already abusive and aggressive but his family has turned the same after me informing them that for now I wasn't going to put him on the birth certificate due to everything that has happened and I wasn't feeling safe enough to do so at this point. It's this decision that made his whole family go full attack and even threathen me. I recorded the whole thing. So there's plenty of evidence.
After their attack they left and they've turned their backs completely ever since. Not heard from them at all anymore.

My family and I have tried everything to create a harmonious relationship between everyone. The whole situation breaks my heart and it hurts me to make decisions that will hurt other people. But my son is everything and he deserves a stable, calm, healthy and happy environment. I just wish it was all different and he wouldn't have been this hateful and abusive.

So yeah, he's not on the birth certificate.

Its such a hard decision. I'll be leaving my company behind, though I'd do this for my sons sake without a doubt, and yeah it's just scary.
But I have to do what's best.
Holland indeed isn't far and as mentioned I wouldn't mind paying for travels for the father to visit if he would want this.

OP posts:
evuscha · 08/09/2023 01:27

Of course emotionally and practically it sounds like the best solution! However, you may want to consult a solicitor about his legal rights. There have been many cases where mother moved abroad with a child and the father was able to force their return (and essentially take them away from mother) through courts even years after no contact. I am no legal expert, I’m sure not being on the BC helps but he might still have a claim since the baby was born here. Definitely make sure to do everything right legally, even if he’s not much of a dad in a moral sense.

MCOut · 08/09/2023 01:51

You need to speak to a lawyer. I completely understand why you want to go home but I don’t think it will be legal for you to leave without permission. If memory serves he will be able to petition the court for parental rights and to be put on the birth certificate. If he then doesn’t agree you will have to apply for relocation. If you just leave, it might be considered kidnapping and you’ll be ordered back to the UK because your sons habitual residence will probably be considered to be here.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position and all the best of luck OP. I hope you’re able to leave.

Silvetmoon · 08/09/2023 01:59

Speak to a lawyer OP, and if you can, move.

Better to move now than get trapped and wish you’d moved later.

You are trying to be ‘fair’ but you can’t and shouldn’t be fair with someone who is abusive. Best of luck.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 08/09/2023 02:00

I’d definitely take baby away from that jerk and his family. I’ve lived in Holland and I believe it offers a better quality of life for kids than the UK anyway.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2023 02:04

I wouldn't worry about that man going to court to keep the baby in the UK. I don't think he can be bothered.

If I were you, I would be getting back to Holland as quickly as humanly possible, and I would not stay in any kind of contact with your ex. You and the baby are better off without him in your life.

scrantonelectriccity · 08/09/2023 02:09

It doesn't sound like he'd bother taking it to court, he doesn't care. Leave and don't tell him in advance that you're going. And definitely don't put him on the birth certificate

MintJulia · 08/09/2023 02:24

I agree with @scrantonelectriccity Your ex is not on the birth certificate. As of now, he cannot stop you from going home.

He has been abusive, unsupportive and threatening, something that you can prove. You need the support of your family to raise your child safely. I'd go back to the Netherlands before he has a chance to stop you.

Goldbar · 08/09/2023 03:29

In reality, he's unlikely to be bothered going to court and, if he does, by that time your child may be habitually resident in Holland.

Pepperama · 08/09/2023 03:37

Yes get some legal advice - don’t th ink there will be an issue if he’s not on the birth certificate

newstart1234 · 08/09/2023 04:50

You sound amazing for getting this far. Just a practical point: is a member of your family able to come to London to help you move? I could imagine that the actual process of leaving could be a flash point and you would ideally be not alone right then.

Swipe left for the next trending thread