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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Moving overseas with newborn. Father is in London.

64 replies

eveinlondon90 · 07/09/2023 21:33

Hi everyone,

I'll try keep it as short as possible. I got pregnant after daring someone for 3 months. The pill and morning after pill weren't enough to prevent pregnancy and so my angel boy is now here.

The father had become very depressed during my pregnancy and became more and more emotionally and verbally abusive. He always had anger issues but they went extreme. I didn't see him at all the last 2 months of my pregnancy and barely heard from him. He didn't care.

He says he cares for his son, yet He has also become verbally very agressive whilst me holding his newborn son. Something I do NOT want my baby to grow up with/around.

ATM theres no contact between father and baby because it became unsafe and abusive.
I hope in the future they can have a relationship though.

Now, the next issue. He has also let us down financially and never helped with rent for the new place we got together to raise the baby in. I've paid the deposit, 6 months upfront and another 3 months but the landlord now wants to evict because I cannot pay another 6 upfront because the father never financially helped. So I'm in a very sticky situation housing wise.

So that leaves me with hard choices. One choice being moving back home to Holland (from London). There I'd be guaranteed a home, I'd have my family, my friends and their kids, a safe environment, good care systems and schools etc. Plus I would be able to brearhe again and find my happiness back. I wouldnt have to rush back into work and leave my 3 month old at nursery.
So theres a lot of plus points. Except one... which is obviously moving my son away from the father.... I'd be happy to facilitate travel Cost etc.
But what do I do? Stay here? Struggle, be lonely, have min support, end up in baby and mum unit etc etc. Or go back home and have everything I need to be a good mum.

OP posts:
Frenchfancy · 09/09/2023 09:34

Go home.

Do not put him on the birth certificate. Apply for a passport as soon as you have a birth certificate.

Do you have British or Dutch nationality? If Dutch then make sure the birth is registered at the embassy and talk to them about a passport.

Zanatdy · 09/09/2023 09:42

I’d just go home. You can facilitate contact from there when baby is a bit older. You can hang around but it’s likely you’re just going to get hassle from this guy.

AcclimDD · 09/09/2023 10:49

Stop giving him some much info OP.
Just go asap x

Lolapusht · 09/09/2023 11:02

Totally not the point, but is it legal for your landlord to evict you if you don’t pay 6 months rent upfront?!

Go home.

Leave ex off the BC and don’t tell him or his family when you are going to register. If he’s so desperate to have a relationship with the infant he’s been abusive to, he will move heaven and earth to do so.

It’s not your job to make up for his pathetic behaviour. Go give your baby the best life possible free from abuse and surrounded by loving friends and family.

Olika · 09/09/2023 11:25

Leave ex from bc and go home. But get some legal advice first just to cover yourself. Good luck!

jeaux90 · 09/09/2023 13:19

Go OP. My DD14 hasn't seen or heard from her father since she was 2 thank goodness. She's happy and well adjusted. Never even asks about him really.

Enjoy your new life surrounded with support.

greyhairnomore · 09/09/2023 14:02

The father sounds useless. I'd go home tomorrow.

greyhairnomore · 09/09/2023 14:05

@Loverofoxbowlakes not legally required to contribute maybe , but morally. What decent man let's the woman pay for everything for a baby they made together?
I'm speaking as someone who was left with a toddler and never had a penny. CMS are useless

daytriptovulcan · 09/09/2023 14:23

Its a no brainer. Move back home to get support from your family. The fathers basicaly abandonned you and the child. Hes no worth a toss.

eveinlondon90 · 15/09/2023 16:38

Was her partner on the birth certificate? So did he have parental rights/responsibilities?

OP posts:
Franklyfrank · 15/09/2023 18:49

Ik had jammer genoeg niet de keuze terug te gaan naar NL met mijn kind, want was getrouwd en moest hier blijven na de scheiding. Iedere keer als we in NL zijn zie ik hoe het daar zoveel leuker/beter/makkelijker is een kind op te voeden. Ik zit hier zonder familie en mijn oudste vrienden zijn ook in NL. Ga ervoor meid, geef je kleintje de beste kans. Als de vader wil kan hij op bezoek komen, en als je kind ouder is kun je misschien vakanties bij pappa regelen. Maar voor nu zorg voor jezelf en je kindje. Heel veel sterkte!

Hermione101 · 15/09/2023 18:59

Do NOT put him on the birth certificate and go home. You and your child will benefit from being close to extended family. I’d take raising kids in the Netherlands over the U.K. any day.

InBedByTen · 15/09/2023 18:59

In your shoes I’d be back in the Netherlands like a shot. It’s such a wonderful country to bring up children and your child will be bilingual. You’ll be close to your family which will bring a lot more to your child’s life than a shit dad.

AbbeyGailsParty · 15/09/2023 21:02

He ignored you during pregnancy.
He’s let you down financially
He’s not provided anything for his son.
He’s been verbally aggressive.

Are there any positives?
Don’t put him on the birth certificate. Pack up and go asap and never contact him again. Otherwise you’ll be tied to him for life — well 18 years and he could get a lot worse. Watch your SM security settings , block him on everything.

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