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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Giving him time

71 replies

Anonanonanon1 · 07/09/2023 11:22

I've been seeing a guy for a few months. We work for the same company but don't see each other work wise very often.
We are both in our 40's.
Everything was going brilliantly until just over a week ago when something happened during an intimate moment that he said put him off.
He didn't tell me straight away, but after a couple of days.
He said that what happened put him off and he needed time .
I responded that I was really sorry and I would give him time and please could we start again.
He said 'No problem x'

I left it a couple of days and then sent a message to reassure him that the situation was avoidable and I had taken steps to prevent it happening again, which he didn't read for a few days as he was on holiday with family.

Again I got a reply, no problem.
I then stupidly added to the previous message on the same subject and he replied same day saying not to keep mentioning it as he gets it.

I've replied saying good idea.

The next evening I wanted to say something to show I had dropped the subject so just a casual how's your day been, kind of thing, which has been ignored.

Obviously I am going to leave it now as he's said he needs time.

He hasn't blocked me, which I'm taking as a good sign. His work contact is completely separate so he could block me on the personal number.

Just posting on here as I feel so lonely. I've done a couple of days work this week but don't have to be doing so until next week so I'm just moping around.

I have this dread of never hearing from him, and then having to face him at work.

I suppose I should say what happened, and I know for most men this would not be an issue but I bled a little bit and he was worried that there was blood when we did oral, which there wasn't. It was a minute amount, but he's a bit funny about things like that. I felt I had to message him to reassure and notice he has deleted the messages mentioning the subject, so he obviously wants to forget it.

I just hope he can get over it. Previous to this I've never had anyone make me feel as wanted or appreciated, and this was growing right up till that occasion.

On the day it happened he seemed fine, saying see you soon and kissing me when he left. But he said it was playing on his mind to the point where he felt ill with what could have happened.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

Whawillthefuturebring · 07/09/2023 11:24

Move on. He isn’t interested anymore and he sounds a bit immature.

IsThePopeCatholic · 07/09/2023 11:30

He sounds easily disgusted. He needs to get used to the idea that women bleed.

PaintedEgg · 07/09/2023 11:32

I started reading this and I thought to myself "I bet he is one of the morons who get disgusted by menstrual blood" - and of course he is!

out of curiosity - what did he think would happen if there was any blood during the oral sex? is he scared of STDs and so uneducated that he thinks only contact with blood would pose a risk?

ZebraD · 07/09/2023 11:37

Just leave him alone. If he wants to be in touch then he will. Personally I think he would have been in touch by now if he was going to. To be honest, do you want to be with someone who can just drop you like that and basically give you the cold shoulder at the slightest thing?
What happened happened, it’s really not the end of the world. It really should be something that you say ooops about and just move forward without even thinking about it so I hope it hasn’t made you feel bad. We are women and these things happen . Hugs x

Original poster

Anonanonanon1 · 07/09/2023 11:39

I have no idea, but he said he doesn't usually do oral and I think the thought of it has shocked him

OP posts:

Ivegotsunshineinabag · 07/09/2023 11:42

First reply nailed it.

PeskyRooks · 07/09/2023 11:46

Give him time just means he wants to dump you but hasn't got the balls.

Move on. He sounds pathetic.

Laurdo · 07/09/2023 11:52

Anonanonanon1 · 07/09/2023 11:39

I have no idea, but he said he doesn't usually do oral and I think the thought of it has shocked him

He doesn't usually do oral? So he doesn't usually do something that many women enjoy and require to reach orgasm. I bet he usually expects oral to be performed on him though.

It sounds like he's not that interested and was just looking for an excuse to end things. He just hasn't got the balls to do it. I know it's easier said than done but forget about him.

Do you really want years of no oral and no orgasms?

littlebopeepp234 · 07/09/2023 11:59

This guy is being pathetic! He has gone distant and quiet on you because you had a period! And even worse you felt like you had to APOLOGISE for being on your period!!! Yes I imagine the blood wasn’t nice during oral sex but wow! Just wow! He got put off by you being on your period as if you did it on purpose! Most decent men would understand and probably laugh it off! Just bin him already!!

Greengrassohla · 07/09/2023 11:59

I’m pretty sure I’ve read this exact situation in the last week. Exact.

Laurdo · 07/09/2023 12:00

littlebopeepp234 · 07/09/2023 11:59

Wait till he finds out other women have periods too!!

Feverly · 07/09/2023 12:13

Stop begging him for attention. Raise your standards. When a man wants you you’ll be able to tell, very, very clearly as he will demonstrate it, through actions, consistently.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/09/2023 12:14

This man is dreadful he sounds like a teenager not an adult man no wonder he's single in his 40s. He needs to only go out with a post menopausal woman, or no one.

And not reading your message for days? That's so cruel. Even if you'd had the worst argument and betrayed him that would be unkind of him to ignore your message, but because you had a period? 'He could have blocked me' and you're grateful for this? Op your self esteem is on the floor and I imagine it's all his fault.

Please please please get rid of this man - he won't ever make you happy or make you feel loved.

Alcemeg · 07/09/2023 12:21

He's a weirdo who is easily repulsed by women's parts.

Plenty of blokes aren't.

Dump and run before you get more entangled with this punishing, rejecting dynamic.

partypompoms · 07/09/2023 12:28

Anonanonanon1 · 07/09/2023 11:39

I have no idea, but he said he doesn't usually do oral and I think the thought of it has shocked him

So more than one reason here to finish with him then. Walk away and stop apologising for bleeding. You've had a lucky escape.

ZeppelinTits · 07/09/2023 12:35

I know exactly what this kind of toxic, emotionally manipulative tosser is like. He's sulking, because it keeps you in line. You are dancing around trying to placate him, apologising, worrying - for WHAT? Having a female body that does normal things. Euugh. No way. Bin him off
And don't entertain another moment of this shitty manipulative behaviour on his part. There are better men out there, I promise you. If you stick around there will be more of this sulking and manipulation, I guarantee it. The subject will change, but his behaviour will stay the same. You will end up a husk, walking on eggshells and feeling worried all the time. No.

waterrat · 07/09/2023 12:41

Op..you.need therapy to find out why your standards are so low.

Pick your self belief up off the floor lady

SingingKlingon · 07/09/2023 12:49

🏃🏿‍♀️

mrsmalaprop · 07/09/2023 12:55

Has he never been in a long term relationship with a woman before?!

You can't pinpoint to the minute when your period will start. Sometimes a bit of action seems to get mine going. No one has ever sent me off to a psychological menstrual hut to repent.

Never mind him being 'put off' by a bit of blood. I'd be totally put off by his attitude, his behaviour and his immaturity.

Bin him off. This won't be his only unreasonable strangeness - and disappearing into his own head about stuff and going silent is absolutely toxic. It won't get any better.

Imagine what other little things you could do totally unwittingly that send him into a spin like this.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

WatieKatie · 07/09/2023 13:04

So he doesn’t enjoy oral. Is that giving and receiving? My money is on only giving.

Do yourself a huge favour, don’t message again. He’s showing you who he is and it’s not nice.

Original poster

Anonanonanon1 · 07/09/2023 13:05

Thank you all for your replies. Yes he has been in relationships before.
My periods are not regular due to my age, but this wasn't my period starting. It was a tiny little bit (his words) . There was no blood during oral or after the him being inside me the first couple of times. It was him going away and thinking there might have been that made him feel ill.

I realise I shouldn't have brought up the subject again when he said he needed space, but I can't help thinking this is a fairly large over reaction, all be it I accept he is a bit funny about 'mess'.
I can accept this because in every other way he is attentive, considerate, kind and makes me feel better than I have in a long time.
I really miss him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anonanonanon1 · 07/09/2023 13:08

He does enjoy oral both ways. He just discovered it with me so it's new for him

OP posts:

Epidote · 07/09/2023 13:08

He can't sulk like that for that minor incident. Well, he can but you should tell him to grow up.

Are you going to make a drama with his semen as well? Are you going to buy a ultra violet lamp to check that every time he touch the bread there is no tinny particles that belongs to any part of his body? I bet you don't.

He is making a mountain of a mole hill.
I would be giving him the time he deserves, until I'm completely out the menopause.

PerfectMatch · 07/09/2023 13:09

Yes OP you're right, it is a massive overreaction about something that is not your fault. He's behaving like an immature prick.

crimsonlake · 07/09/2023 13:12

Shock horror, sex can be messy, with his reaction I would throw this one back.
You do go on to say the 'bit of blood' was not related to your period, so possibly you need to get this checked out?

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