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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Giving him time

71 replies

Anonanonanon1 · 07/09/2023 11:22

I've been seeing a guy for a few months. We work for the same company but don't see each other work wise very often.
We are both in our 40's.
Everything was going brilliantly until just over a week ago when something happened during an intimate moment that he said put him off.
He didn't tell me straight away, but after a couple of days.
He said that what happened put him off and he needed time .
I responded that I was really sorry and I would give him time and please could we start again.
He said 'No problem x'

I left it a couple of days and then sent a message to reassure him that the situation was avoidable and I had taken steps to prevent it happening again, which he didn't read for a few days as he was on holiday with family.

Again I got a reply, no problem.
I then stupidly added to the previous message on the same subject and he replied same day saying not to keep mentioning it as he gets it.

I've replied saying good idea.

The next evening I wanted to say something to show I had dropped the subject so just a casual how's your day been, kind of thing, which has been ignored.

Obviously I am going to leave it now as he's said he needs time.

He hasn't blocked me, which I'm taking as a good sign. His work contact is completely separate so he could block me on the personal number.

Just posting on here as I feel so lonely. I've done a couple of days work this week but don't have to be doing so until next week so I'm just moping around.

I have this dread of never hearing from him, and then having to face him at work.

I suppose I should say what happened, and I know for most men this would not be an issue but I bled a little bit and he was worried that there was blood when we did oral, which there wasn't. It was a minute amount, but he's a bit funny about things like that. I felt I had to message him to reassure and notice he has deleted the messages mentioning the subject, so he obviously wants to forget it.

I just hope he can get over it. Previous to this I've never had anyone make me feel as wanted or appreciated, and this was growing right up till that occasion.

On the day it happened he seemed fine, saying see you soon and kissing me when he left. But he said it was playing on his mind to the point where he felt ill with what could have happened.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

OneWayDriver · 07/09/2023 15:43

Is his name Mark? I had an ex like this.

Bin him off you won't regret it.

momtoboys · 07/09/2023 15:45

Bin him. It's over anyway.

toddlermom99 · 07/09/2023 15:45

What a pathetic excuse for a man. Better off without someone like that

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/09/2023 16:03

He’s done you a favour by exposing what an uptight and punitive little dickhead he is.

How he is treating you is not ok. The extent of his disgust and how he’s behaving towards you is deeply offensive.

Original poster

Anonanonanon1 · 07/09/2023 16:13

No his name is not Mark

OP posts:

27penny · 07/09/2023 16:40

I had a similar incident a few weeks back fairly new relationship.. break through bleeding from birth control, i know its not a big deal but i said oh shit sorry about that and he said 'it doesn't bother me, its all you' and we got on with our lives. I'm sure he wasn't delighted neither was i 🫣 but i couldn't tell, a non issue. Can't imagine it being made into such a big deal that he needed space from u 😕

Userengage · 07/09/2023 16:40

I’m sorry to read that you are posting about him again so he is still breadcrumbing you. Please mentally shut the door on him and move on; he’s making a right fool of you.

MargotBamborough · 07/09/2023 16:42

Doesn't usually do oral and freaks out at a little bit of blood?

Throw this one back in the sea, OP.

rollonretirementfgs · 07/09/2023 16:47

Ditch him! Imagine this pathetic person being your birthing partner! Get a grip mate!

northernlight20 · 07/09/2023 16:58

raise your bar op, cant believe what us women will tolerate

perfectcolourfound · 07/09/2023 19:06

He may have a condition / MH issue that makes it hard for him to deal with bodiky fluids. But if he has, it's his issue. Not yours.

The 'asking for time' could be read two ways ('I know it's weird of me, but this has shakn me, give me a bit of time and it'll be fine' / 'I'm a manipulative arse who's punishing you for something that isn't your fault and goading you to feel bad and apologise').

If it's a) then you need to decide if you can live with this. You're feeling bad about something when you did nothing wrong. You're apologising for something you didn't do. You're feeling unwanted, shamed, judged. If you stay with him, expect more of the same.
If it's b) then run like the wind.

OnedayTwodays · 07/09/2023 19:29

MN being dramatic yet again.
Nothing wrong with not loving blood and fluids coming out of vaginas.
I say this as a woman.
Sure, happens, but it doesn’t mean we all have to love it and praise or something.

Original poster

Anonanonanon1 · 07/09/2023 19:41

Thank you perfectcolourfound
I am very much hoping it's 'a'
Especially as he said, you know what I'm like about mess, when he said he needed time.

OnedayTwodays thank you.
I have to admit that I am a bit funny about some things, and I am not great with blood either. Hence I totally understand, and hope this is something that time will help with.

OP posts:

ZeppelinTits · 07/09/2023 21:27

How many more sulks and 'I need to think' and withholding behaviour will you put up with before you accept this is just what he is like? It sounds quite joyless, punitive and stressful. Not to mention, crap for your self-esteem. Why are you okay with this treatment and bending over backwards to understand and be accommodating of his childish flounces?
Also, how is he just getting into giving a woman oral for the first time at his age?! Something wrong there.

Original poster

Anonanonanon1 · 07/09/2023 21:42

This is the first time he's done this. It's very out of character. Although we've only been seeing each other a few months, I've known him for 5 years and this is not his usual self

OP posts:

tankcrossing · 07/09/2023 23:55

Oh OP, when I started reading your post I was wondering what on earth you could have done to put him off.

I truely thought you had maybe farted in his face, I accidentally did that once to DP and we nearly fell out of bed laughing.

Honestly, don’t get in any deeper with this guy, he sounds like a childish idiot.

Dery · 08/09/2023 00:27

@Anonanonanon1 - really sorry you’re going through this. It’s very disappointing and hurtful. You say this isn’t like him but what people are like as an acquaintance and what they’re like in a relationship are very different things. Even if he does come back - and it’s a big if - I don’t think you will feel emotionally safe with him again. And he can’t care that much if he’s willing to lose you over this.

Jessicaarga · 08/09/2023 00:31

You should have farted in his face also. I had a huge heavy bleed when I was 17 whilst my boyfriend (age19) and I where in bed making love. I had no idea until he mentioned the (sorry i don't how to put this) wetness. That's when we both realisee what happend looking at the sheets. I was mortfied, worse than a fanny burp. But he was like...no big deal. Was way worse explaining to my mum.

Namechange666 · 08/09/2023 11:16

I don't wish to frighten you but if you're bleeding during intercourse and you're not on, then go get a smear done. My friend had this happen to her. She had CIN 3 which is in situ cancer or sometimes precancerous. It could be just an ectropion. It could also be an infection or nothing. But please go see your doc. Dickhead or not, this is a flag to go see the doc.

Losttheplotsometimeago · 08/09/2023 11:18

Another thread like this?

Also... don't screw the crew

Original poster

Anonanonanon1 · 08/09/2023 11:38

Namechange666 I went to the doctor and it was fine.

OP posts:

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