Page 3 | Open marriage regret

hoplesschoices · 2023-09-07T00:47:55+00:00

I'm in an open marriage, it was fun to start with and now I want it to stop. DH is close to another woman too close. I've tried to call time on the open marriage but I think this is going to end our actual marriage. If I had one wish it would be to of never of done this. It's what we wanted at the time and for a moment it was exciting and fun, but as I realised how much I love DH and would rather be with him, he was out realising how much fun he could be having elsewhere. I don't blame him it's not his fault, it was a joint decision but I guess it was always going to end badly. Just needed somewhere to let it all out really. I need to call time while we're still friends and love each other, I don't want to break up hating him and never being able to get on.

GrumpyPanda · 07/09/2023 17:24

Letmeoutnow · 07/09/2023 16:29

The thing I am struck with from posters here, despite the astounding naivety of thinking you can order someone to not to develop emotional intimacy for someone they like and are having regular physical intimacy with, is the utter callousness to the other woman / man in this arrangement. The idea that they are just human collateral to be cast aside when the ‘primary partner’ demands. It’s a disgusting way to treat other people. They have feelings and emotions too. They are not just voiceless pawns for you to spice up your marriage with.

Despicable way to treat other people.

So glad to see somebody else express what I'm always thinking about this type of discussion. It's essentially cannibalizing those at the periphery of the marriage and using them as playthings for the core couple. Yet nobody ever seems to take them into account.

AgentJohnson · 07/09/2023 18:47

I wanted him to be happy we weren't happy in a while and then suddenly he's happy, we're dancing in the kitchen singing duets like 'a whole new world' it was nice
I didn't want that to end but I guess I put that above my own happiness.

The truth is your marriage was on rocky ground and this Hail Mary of an idea was a desperate attempt to hang on to someone who was already disconnected.

Don’t beat yourself up, at least now there aren’t any what ifs. If you hadn’t thrown the dice you would have plodded along unhappily for God knows how long. The ‘open’ marriage was a sticking plaster on a gaping wound. You deserve so much more than this entitled prick, who was either too lazy or too selfish to be honest with you about checking out of your marriage. He’d rather see you hurt than forgo eating his cake.

Appleontherocks · 07/09/2023 18:50

The thing is, it is unrealistic to expect someone (other than yourself) to have regular intimacy with someone else and not develop feelings. It's one of the things people experienced in ethical non monogamy advise against

MsRosley · 07/09/2023 18:54

OhComeOnFFS · 07/09/2023 16:00

Of course he was dancing and singing; he was like a dog with two dicks. And of course another woman got involved - very few people are cut out for open relationships.

I'm really sorry you got hurt. I think the marriage is at an end now and tbh it was at an end before you brought extra people into it.

Every word of this, but especially the glorious 'dog with two dicks' comment 😂

Sorry, OP, don't mean to be flippant, but if your DH really loved you, he wouldn't have agreed to an open marriage in the first place. You're better off out.

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 06:20

Letmeoutnow · 07/09/2023 16:29

The thing I am struck with from posters here, despite the astounding naivety of thinking you can order someone to not to develop emotional intimacy for someone they like and are having regular physical intimacy with, is the utter callousness to the other woman / man in this arrangement. The idea that they are just human collateral to be cast aside when the ‘primary partner’ demands. It’s a disgusting way to treat other people. They have feelings and emotions too. They are not just voiceless pawns for you to spice up your marriage with.

Despicable way to treat other people.

I am making the base assumption that the other woman is a fully grown coherent adult, and knows the facts and agreed because it suits her lifestyle.

I agree using people as commodities for sex and gratification/couples entertainment is disgusting.
I just take issue with assuming the OW is a ‘victim’ she may be fully on board and that is her choice and right.

NonMiDispiace · 08/09/2023 06:31

tribpot · 07/09/2023 13:21

Dh is a great person and I've thrown the bombshell as he thought we were happy with the situation

This seems very convenient. At first you kept quiet at the start when the dating started because I didn't want to rock the boat. Now that you've invoked one of the specific rules that either of you could back out at any time, apparently this is a 'bombshell'.

It seems pretty clear that your DH has engineered a situation where he could cheat with impunity. Even if you didn't clearly set the boundaries of what type of activity was allowed in the arrangement, you did have a rule about being able to back out.

Why were you worried about 'rocking the boat'?

I struggle with the fact that you both wanted sex with other people ( which in my eyes is cheating regardless of you being happy with it) and now you’re not happy because the inevitable has happened?
I wanted him to be happy we weren't happy in a while and then suddenly he's happy, we're dancing in the kitchen singing duets like 'a whole new world' it was nice.
Seriously? You’re celebrating that he’s shagged someone else?
I’m clearly very old fashioned or something 😵‍💫

Thisistyresome · 08/09/2023 06:37

I noticed there are some vague descriptions in your account:
“It's what we wanted at the time”

You may have agreed between you, but who suggested the idea? Was it him or you? Who first thought this would be an improvement? It may seem to not matter once you have agreed but it shows where you each were at the start before you started down this path.

Loubelle70 · 08/09/2023 06:39

hoplesschoices · 07/09/2023 02:42

I have talked to him we're at an impasse lots of feelings, lots of tears. Not sure where we go from here.
My one word of advice though is listen to google when it says 90% of open marriages fail. I'm an absolute idiot.

Sadly thats true. Once you open a marriage up to other people, feelings get involved and whoosh...marriage fails(my bro and sil split up under similar circumstances). You cant go back now, feelings are obviously involved..however..it possibly wont all be rainbows for husband and other woman, knowing how they met, if they got together and carried on sharing themselves, itll happen again, rinse repeat. At least you know what you wont do in next relationship. All the best OP X

Loubelle70 · 08/09/2023 06:39

Thisistyresome · 08/09/2023 06:37

I noticed there are some vague descriptions in your account:
“It's what we wanted at the time”

You may have agreed between you, but who suggested the idea? Was it him or you? Who first thought this would be an improvement? It may seem to not matter once you have agreed but it shows where you each were at the start before you started down this path.

^this

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 08/09/2023 06:44

You can change your mind. It’s ok to say I am no longer ok with this. Please let me know if you want to go back to the way things were, or end the marriage.

Loubelle70 · 08/09/2023 06:47

Im not one to judge, what people do people do in this situation. Can work(rarely) or cant work. Personally, whether both in agreement or not, id think the bloke wanted to cheat before it all started, and this agreement suits him just fine, have his cake and eat it. Quote ' Of course he was dancing and singing; he was like a dog with two dicks' pretty much sums it up.

PansyPolly · 08/09/2023 06:49

There are lots of ways of practising an open relationship/ethical non-monogamy/polyamory.

I am in a non-monogamous marriage. It started out as only having sex with FWB but I would now describe myself as polyamorous, as I am in love with one of my partners as well as with my DH.

It is difficult to put boundaries on feelings and there can certainly be some elements of treating the “third” like a game
piece not a person. However, the OP hasn’t said if the other partner is already in her own primary relationship.

Some open couples have power of veto and some don’t. @hoplesschoices OP, it seems you and DH agreed you did, but now he feels differently. Do you think
you get enough time from him or is he too focussed on the other partner?

SunflowerTed · 08/09/2023 06:51

Aishah231 · 07/09/2023 11:02

As others have said OP he's cheating on you. It doesn't matter that you agreed to an open marriage he has broken the agreement by getting too close. When you've pointed this out to him he hasn't stopped. How is he a nice bloke OP? Why do you love him?

How is he cheating when they both agreed to an open marriage? The problem is he has fallen for someone. He is not a robot - it’s a consequence of having the freedom to meet other people . Stop blaming him - it was a joint decision

SunflowerTed · 08/09/2023 06:52

Letmeoutnow · 07/09/2023 16:16

You really can’t set rules on your spouse not getting close to that women he’s having sex with/ in a relationship with. It’s daft to think you can. Humans don’t work like that.

If you want your spouse to remain emotionally close to just you, you need to stay monogamous.

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totally this

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 07:13

On balance op, I would end this ‘marriage ‘. I don’t think he can be the man or husband you need him to be.
I am sorry but any man that truly loves his wife would not be content to share her with strangers. Men that could hurt her, infect her or damage her. He is not a keeper but a randy old dog that has invested very little into the stale marriage you describe.

You have the opportunity to feel loved, cherished and secure in the future with a man that would not dream of agreeing or suggesting this arrangement.

LTB op.

Blankscreen · 08/09/2023 07:26

I think an open marriage is playing with fire.

It's all very well setting ground rules that you won't develop feelings, but humans are not robots and it unsurprising that he has developed feelings for the other woman.

I guess strictly speaking he should have ended things in the other relationship when he felt those feelings developing but I can see how this happened.

I'd love to know how this idea came about and who was the one that first uttered the words?

I think you need to give him and ultimatum, a simple its me or her?
If he won't end it with her then that is your answer.

If he does you might find that your marriage is over anyway as he resents you.

Sadly I think it is the end of days for your marriage to your DH.

PansyPolly · 08/09/2023 07:26

“Men that could hurt her, infect her or damage her. He is not a keeper but a randy old dog that has invested very little into the stale marriage you describe.”

the heck?? OP is a grown woman who can insist on condoms etc.

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 07:29

PansyPolly · 08/09/2023 07:26

“Men that could hurt her, infect her or damage her. He is not a keeper but a randy old dog that has invested very little into the stale marriage you describe.”

the heck?? OP is a grown woman who can insist on condoms etc.

I wasn’t solely talking about STIs duh.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/09/2023 07:36

hoplesschoices · 07/09/2023 07:33

We had rules and boundaries in place, unfortunately these were pushed and made me feel disrespected
I felt like it was only a matter of time before I became second to him.
We agreed that if one of us wanted to back out we could but now it's come to it, it's a lot of discussions and 'how can we go back now'
Dh is a great person and I've thrown the bombshell as he thought we were happy with the situation. It's taking time to process.

Your marriage is over, and it was over from the second he pushed boundaries and made you feel disrespected.

You saying that you’re not happy isn’t a bombshell. He’ll have known that from the second he started to push your boundaries into territory you weren’t happy with.

He’s not a great guy. If he was he’d have stuck to boundaries, and he’d be respecting the agreement that you stop if one of you was unhappy. In fact, if he was a great guy he’d be unhappy that you’re unhappy!

Open marriages only work if there’s a massive deal of respect and your spouses happiness is still more important than fucking other people. Your happiness isn’t as important to your DH as fucking other people is.

Bonelly · 08/09/2023 07:44

I don't know anything about open marriages and it's not the way I tick. However I wouldn't have imagined dating was part of it either. I'd have imagined love at home and sex elsewhere. That's a shame. However you don't know how things will play out. He might not want to lose you. But it sounds like you don't want him like this. Take the great confidence you had to agree to it in the first place and start afresh if it comes to it/

Alwaysdecorating · 08/09/2023 07:44

I think the boundaries in place were unrealistic.

I think always going to be unrealistic to insist there’s no feeling allowed to be involved. Is going to happen and not something you can entirely control.

I think the ‘if either of us change our mind we will stop’ isn’t a good boundary either If a person has already expressed they don’t want to be monogamous, trying to get them to be monogamous simply doesn’t work.

But also you can really mean it when you say ‘we will stop if either of us aren’t happy’. But 6 months, 1 year,2 year etc down the line you may realise you really don’t want to go back.

Simple fact is that often ‘open’ relationships are used as a sticking plaster over an already dying relationship. A few rules slapped in place in an attempt to legitimise it. But not thought out. These rules don’t really do much.

Honestly Op, I would start preparing for a life without him in it.

PansyPolly · 08/09/2023 08:03

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 07:29

I wasn’t solely talking about STIs duh.

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I know. But the gist of your comment was that the husband should be protecting his grown-ass wife.

PansyPolly · 08/09/2023 08:05

It’s very difficult to think through boundaries until you start. It needs to be an ongoing conversation, lots of check
ins etc.