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Original poster

Open marriage regret

73 replies

hoplesschoices · 07/09/2023 01:47

I'm in an open marriage, it was fun to start with and now I want it to stop. DH is close to another woman too close. I've tried to call time on the open marriage but I think this is going to end our actual marriage.
If I had one wish it would be to of never of done this.
It's what we wanted at the time and for a moment it was exciting and fun, but as I realised how much I love DH and would rather be with him, he was out realising how much fun he could be having elsewhere.
I don't blame him it's not his fault, it was a joint decision but I guess it was always going to end badly.
Just needed somewhere to let it all out really.
I need to call time while we're still friends and love each other, I don't want to break up hating him and never being able to get on.

OP posts:
DisquietintheRanks · 07/09/2023 10:35

It's such an odd idea though. You are OK with him sleeping with other people as long as he doesn't feel anything for them and you're allowed to sleep with other people that you feel nothing for. And this is your ideal?

OpenMarriage · 07/09/2023 10:46

The problem isn't the open marriage it's that the person you've got one with is a twat.

I used to be in an open marriage (NC for this), we could open it again in the future but it's closed ATM. We both needed each other's agreement to do anything with someone else. When I was pregnant with our first DC and DH asked about someone he was interested in, I realised I didn't want to be in an open marriage anymore (at least not for the time being). So I sat down and discussed it with him and we agreed that our core relationship was the priority (this has always been our hard boundary) and that we would close our relationship until we agreed otherwise. Like having babies, the person who doesn't agree always gets the final say with anything. Now we've had kids, we are so focused on them that we have never opened up our marriage again but it's not off the table.

In an open marriage, the primary partners' feelings should be prioritised over anyone else.

It worked for us for over 10 years, so they're not always a big mistake, don't feel stupid that this has gone wrong, they can and do work but they're harder to make work. Really though, it has to be the right person and a lot of people (can I say men? Because it always seems to be men) are drawn to open marriages as a license to cheat which doesn't work long term and is disrespectful to their primary partner. Then for some reason they don't get why their wife feels fucked over when they fuck her over.

And it's totally fine to realise from this that you need a monogamous relationship, but it does sound like your DH isn't taking your feelings on board at all and that you might need to find someone more respectful to have whatever relationship you want with.

CallieQ · 07/09/2023 10:54

hoplesschoices · 07/09/2023 01:47

I'm in an open marriage, it was fun to start with and now I want it to stop. DH is close to another woman too close. I've tried to call time on the open marriage but I think this is going to end our actual marriage.
If I had one wish it would be to of never of done this.
It's what we wanted at the time and for a moment it was exciting and fun, but as I realised how much I love DH and would rather be with him, he was out realising how much fun he could be having elsewhere.
I don't blame him it's not his fault, it was a joint decision but I guess it was always going to end badly.
Just needed somewhere to let it all out really.
I need to call time while we're still friends and love each other, I don't want to break up hating him and never being able to get on.

If you think an open marriage is going to be fun you are fooling yourself and now paying the price

Original poster
hoplesschoices · 07/09/2023 11:01

@CallieQ trust me I know this, I'm absolutely paying the price. My fault my mistake and my life in pieces, don't recommend.

OP posts:
Aishah231 · 07/09/2023 11:02

As others have said OP he's cheating on you. It doesn't matter that you agreed to an open marriage he has broken the agreement by getting too close. When you've pointed this out to him he hasn't stopped. How is he a nice bloke OP? Why do you love him?

mummymeister · 07/09/2023 11:08

hoplesschoices · 07/09/2023 11:01

@CallieQ trust me I know this, I'm absolutely paying the price. My fault my mistake and my life in pieces, don't recommend.

It is absolutely not your fault. why would you say and think this? what has your dh said that makes you believe this is true? you entered into a contract - a marriage. that contract had specific clauses agreed to by both parties. you have kept to the contract and he hasnt. so its him that is at fault and not you. dont let him make you feel like this, really dont. and dont blame the other woman. he will have spun her a pack of lies about how you are ok with all of it. she is just believing what he has told her. Your marriage is in pieces but your life isnt. put all of your strength into you. sorting things out for you. moving on in a way that you want to. he broke the contract he has to live with the consequences. you can and will build another better life for yourself.

Pleaselettheholidayend · 07/09/2023 12:09

@hoplesschoices what do you mean you didn't want to rock the boat? What did you worry would happen if you had?

I felt this highlights an issue, as in this sort of agreement both parties should be able to fully express themselves.

Rooroobear · 07/09/2023 12:22

Did you come up with any “rules” when you decided on an open marriage? Things like only seeing the same persons once or twice etc…..it seems your husband has grown close to one women which would be a massive no no if I chose to have an open marriage as these things do happen.

Rooroobear · 07/09/2023 12:24

Sorry just seen you did have some rules in place. I’m sorry you’re going through this but I think you’re going to have to say you or this other woman!

Janieforever · 07/09/2023 12:31

I don’t agree he’s cheating, I think that diminishes actual cheating. He’s totally being honest and up front and thinks what he is doing is in line with their agreement.

they both decided this, for reasons unknown. And didn’t detail the boundaries clearly. “I thought” isn’t good enough. They both thought different things on what it meant.

and now here they are.

Original poster
hoplesschoices · 07/09/2023 12:36

Pleaselettheholidayend · 07/09/2023 12:09

@hoplesschoices what do you mean you didn't want to rock the boat? What did you worry would happen if you had?

I felt this highlights an issue, as in this sort of agreement both parties should be able to fully express themselves.

I wanted him to be happy we weren't happy in a while and then suddenly he's happy, we're dancing in the kitchen singing duets like 'a whole new world' it was nice
I didn't want that to end but I guess I put that above my own happiness

OP posts:
tribpot · 07/09/2023 13:21

Dh is a great person and I've thrown the bombshell as he thought we were happy with the situation

This seems very convenient. At first you kept quiet at the start when the dating started because I didn't want to rock the boat. Now that you've invoked one of the specific rules that either of you could back out at any time, apparently this is a 'bombshell'.

It seems pretty clear that your DH has engineered a situation where he could cheat with impunity. Even if you didn't clearly set the boundaries of what type of activity was allowed in the arrangement, you did have a rule about being able to back out.

Why were you worried about 'rocking the boat'?

smashburger · 07/09/2023 13:26

No advice, this is a sad story

Did you date anybody or get anything out of the arrangement?

itsmyp4rty · 07/09/2023 13:40

You have to tell him to make a choice OP, and then you have to go along with the choice he makes even if it doesn't go your way. You know this has to be done and it's not going to get any easier the longer you wait. It's a sad situation but there's no blame on you. You tried something and found you didn't like it. He's now taking the piss and it has to end one way or another.

Wiii · 07/09/2023 13:43

Yeah. That's not a surprise. Live and learn I guess.

C1N1C · 07/09/2023 13:52

I know you said it was a mutual thing, but there's usually someone that raises the subject... and that is usually the one who is less happy with the relationship. Who was it?

SOBplus · 07/09/2023 13:56

IMHO, open marriage is like suicide - a permanent "solution" to a temporary problem. My sister and BIL did it under the same guidelines - sleep with anyone as long as no emotional attachment and no one their group knew. Of course he developed feelings for a paramour. They divorced, the relationship with paramour ran its course, he decided he wanted back with my sister and she took him back for whatever reason but we aren't allowed to judge. Now they are at it again with open marriage, where he sleeps around and she doesn't want to know. 🙄

Lastchancechica · 07/09/2023 14:08

It sounds to me like you were railroaded into this. I guess what was actually needed when your relationship ran into trouble was more love and attention, perhaps couples counselling - not other people.

I would give him an ultimatum, and then follow through with divorce if he is unable to accept your decision.

In my view the marriage is already over anyway, because why would any man stop? You have already both been with other people -the trust might not return without a deep and enduring love for each other.

I would want a new start with a man that valued monogamy in your shoes. I wouldn’t waste any more of my life with someone like your dh. They just never fail to seem like dirty old men to be, and it’s gross. There are wholesome men out there that would make infinitely better life partners.

Original poster
hoplesschoices · 07/09/2023 14:23

Lastchancechica · 07/09/2023 14:08

It sounds to me like you were railroaded into this. I guess what was actually needed when your relationship ran into trouble was more love and attention, perhaps couples counselling - not other people.

I would give him an ultimatum, and then follow through with divorce if he is unable to accept your decision.

In my view the marriage is already over anyway, because why would any man stop? You have already both been with other people -the trust might not return without a deep and enduring love for each other.

I would want a new start with a man that valued monogamy in your shoes. I wouldn’t waste any more of my life with someone like your dh. They just never fail to seem like dirty old men to be, and it’s gross. There are wholesome men out there that would make infinitely better life partners.

I wanted it at the time, I was up for it, it was a new exciting concept after years of marriage that was going a bit stale. The problem is I very quickly realised that it wasn't other people I wanted it was DH but by that point he was loving the new found freedom and excitement, I don't blame him for that.
Counselling is what we need, I don't see a way back from this situation, I think it's too late to go back to how it was before.
I made a choice one I was up for and it didn't work out, I regret it badly.

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 07/09/2023 14:39

How would you feel if your marriage ended OP?

Lastchancechica · 07/09/2023 15:09

You did plan for this not to work, and an agreement was in place should either side change their mind, he isn’t keeping his side of the bargain op.

You have done nothing wrong. You trusted him to honour the agreement.

Please take heart even if the marriage doesn’t survive it may not have done anyway. You had a bright future either way. Your relationship is now damaging your confidence and self esteem, his choice to prioritise others will be damaging to you, so don’t let this drag on and drag you down.

Lastchancechica · 07/09/2023 15:09

*You have a bright future

OhComeOnFFS · 07/09/2023 16:00

Of course he was dancing and singing; he was like a dog with two dicks. And of course another woman got involved - very few people are cut out for open relationships.

I'm really sorry you got hurt. I think the marriage is at an end now and tbh it was at an end before you brought extra people into it.

Letmeoutnow · 07/09/2023 16:16

Cantbelieveit101 · 07/09/2023 02:21

Did you decide upon rules about "getting close" or only seeing a person a certain amount of times before you entered into the open marriage.

Did you talk about what would happen if one person decides that it isn't working?

You need to sit down and talk to him before it gets any worse.

Good luck

You really can’t set rules on your spouse not getting close to that women he’s having sex with/ in a relationship with. It’s daft to think you can. Humans don’t work like that.

If you want your spouse to remain emotionally close to just you, you need to stay monogamous.

Letmeoutnow · 07/09/2023 16:29

The thing I am struck with from posters here, despite the astounding naivety of thinking you can order someone to not to develop emotional intimacy for someone they like and are having regular physical intimacy with, is the utter callousness to the other woman / man in this arrangement. The idea that they are just human collateral to be cast aside when the ‘primary partner’ demands. It’s a disgusting way to treat other people. They have feelings and emotions too. They are not just voiceless pawns for you to spice up your marriage with.

Despicable way to treat other people.