Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Open marriage regret

73 replies

hoplesschoices · 07/09/2023 01:47

I'm in an open marriage, it was fun to start with and now I want it to stop. DH is close to another woman too close. I've tried to call time on the open marriage but I think this is going to end our actual marriage.
If I had one wish it would be to of never of done this.
It's what we wanted at the time and for a moment it was exciting and fun, but as I realised how much I love DH and would rather be with him, he was out realising how much fun he could be having elsewhere.
I don't blame him it's not his fault, it was a joint decision but I guess it was always going to end badly.
Just needed somewhere to let it all out really.
I need to call time while we're still friends and love each other, I don't want to break up hating him and never being able to get on.

OP posts:
VioletPickles · 07/09/2023 01:54

Time for a serious chat. You are allowed to change your mind and communicate that fact to him.

mayorofcasterbridge · 07/09/2023 01:57

God knows why you agreed to this in the first place!

You are going to have to tell your DH you are no longer prepared to tolerate this arrangement, and then abide by his decision.

Cantbelieveit101 · 07/09/2023 02:21

Did you decide upon rules about "getting close" or only seeing a person a certain amount of times before you entered into the open marriage.

Did you talk about what would happen if one person decides that it isn't working?

You need to sit down and talk to him before it gets any worse.

Good luck

Original poster
hoplesschoices · 07/09/2023 02:42

I have talked to him we're at an impasse lots of feelings, lots of tears. Not sure where we go from here.
My one word of advice though is listen to google when it says 90% of open marriages fail. I'm an absolute idiot.

OP posts:
VioletPickles · 07/09/2023 02:44

What did he say when you said you didn’t want it to continue? I can’t see how it ever would work long term to be honest op.

Agegapconfusion · 07/09/2023 02:56

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP.

i think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to have tried this and changed your mind about it, especially if it was something you truly wanted at the time (and not something you were pressured into). I don’t think you’re stupid for trying it, you probably imagined it would work well for you both when you made that decision and it’s OK that it’s no longer working for you now that you’ve tried it.

i’ve read a lot about alternative relationships just out of interest, and what struck me was the deep, important need for ground rules, boundaries, consent and really strong communication. Did you have ground rules and clear boundaries in place before you started? What is your DP saying now when you have spoken about it, that they don’t want to stop?

whilst painful, i do also think it’s OK that your DP (from what you have said) is enjoying the set up and doesn’t want things to change, however that doesn’t feel very positive.

why did you both decide to open the marriage in the first place? Is there a way to get that need met without it involving an open marriage?

MsDogLady · 07/09/2023 03:10

@hoplesschoices, your H has disregarded the agreed on rules/boundaries of your arrangement. He is now cheating.

You’re going to have to call him out on going rogue and having this affair. If he won’t agree to shut it down pronto, cut contact with OW, and reinvest in monogamy with you, it will be game over.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/09/2023 03:15

I am so sorry that it has ended up like this.

I think that a lot of people misunderstand what "open marriage" means. It isnt just having sex with someone else on a ONS or swinging, which is totally different with different rules. Its dating, forming a connection, creating a new secondary relationship. Basically its an affair that everyone involved knows about, and that can mean that sometimes the primary relationship ends up being the secondary relationship.

I take it that he doesnt want to end the secondary relationship but also doesnt want to end the marriage? So you are now in a horrible place of being the wife to a man who has another woman he is in love with, which is horrific, with the added shit of him saying "but you said you were ok with it". When this isnt in fact what you signed up for.

I am afraid that this isnt going to end well for you. Either you accept that you are now the secondary partner or you leave. I would suggest you leave.

Mrsmulhern · 07/09/2023 03:21

I think if he knows you don’t want to continue, as you’ve said and his reaction is to fight YOUR decision. Leave. I’m sorry this happened to you op

WandaWonder · 07/09/2023 03:46

MsDogLady · 07/09/2023 03:10

@hoplesschoices, your H has disregarded the agreed on rules/boundaries of your arrangement. He is now cheating.

You’re going to have to call him out on going rogue and having this affair. If he won’t agree to shut it down pronto, cut contact with OW, and reinvest in monogamy with you, it will be game over.

I don't think you can control feelings like this saying it's OK to see other people but you can't get attached to the person or however it can be worded

It is not like going to an animal shelter to play with puppies and thinking I can't get too attached

Humans have thoughts and feelings and can't be switched on and off like a tap, there is always this risk if you go down the 'open relationship but on my terms only' type thing

Kuromi · 07/09/2023 04:48

In an open marriage he cant be "too close' with someone else. The point in an open marriage is for him to have other romantic partners that he loves.
Sounds like the consequences of your own actions here.
Your feelings are valid but so are his.
I personally dont believe in non monogamy so id never agree in the first place. The minute my husband wants to open our marriage is the end of our marriage

AuntieEsther · 07/09/2023 04:52

Kuromi · 07/09/2023 04:48

In an open marriage he cant be "too close' with someone else. The point in an open marriage is for him to have other romantic partners that he loves.
Sounds like the consequences of your own actions here.
Your feelings are valid but so are his.
I personally dont believe in non monogamy so id never agree in the first place. The minute my husband wants to open our marriage is the end of our marriage

You're describing polyamory, not an open marriage. In an open marriage you can have any boundaries and expectations you choose, including not getting too close to other people.

OP I'm sorry this has happened. It's for this reason that boundaries are agreed before any outside connections and it sounds like he's ignored those boundaries, or you are trying to put them in place retrospectively. Either way he's damaging and risking your marriage by clinging to the other woman and that's not ok. Ultimately though if he chooses her he chooses her and though that's heartbreaking for you it's his choice. I hope he understands where you're at.

Original poster
hoplesschoices · 07/09/2023 07:33

We had rules and boundaries in place, unfortunately these were pushed and made me feel disrespected
I felt like it was only a matter of time before I became second to him.
We agreed that if one of us wanted to back out we could but now it's come to it, it's a lot of discussions and 'how can we go back now'
Dh is a great person and I've thrown the bombshell as he thought we were happy with the situation. It's taking time to process.

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 07/09/2023 07:36

mayorofcasterbridge · 07/09/2023 01:57

God knows why you agreed to this in the first place!

You are going to have to tell your DH you are no longer prepared to tolerate this arrangement, and then abide by his decision.

OP didn’t ‘agree’ to anything - it was both of their decision. Read the original post.

hylian · 07/09/2023 07:41

OP, this isn't (and was never) really within your control and it's not your fault.

Your husband wanted to see other people. Even if you never agreed to the open marriage, he would be frustrated and you would still be struggling. You'd still have problems.

I'm just saying don't beat yourself up because even if you had never agreed to it, your marriage wouldn't be perfect and he may well have sought this out. It's not your fault.

BadHairBae · 07/09/2023 07:50

Try not to beat yourself up over this. You tried something different, something new and exciting and it didn't work out for you and that's okay.

I would keep the conversation going with DH about ending the agreement. It's clear he still has strong feelings for you and hopefully he'll make the same decision soon.

It must feel like an awful mess for you right now but give it time. I really hope things work out okay, OP.

Agegapconfusion · 07/09/2023 08:02

just read your update - as a previous person has said, as he has now crossed the boundaries and arrangements you had in place, this is cheating. He gets to be happy with it all because it’s an ‚open marriage’. This isn’t OK and i’m sorry you felt he has consistently pushed boundaries.

you really do need a really frank conversation - he doesn’t now get to back out of the agreements you had in place. It now really should be open marriage or no marriage unfortunately - he needs to underdstand that. Sorry op i dont think he sounds like a great person if he is now openly cheating on you and unwilling to stop…best of luck

Agegapconfusion · 07/09/2023 08:02

Sorry! Closed marriage!! Not open marriage

Pleaselettheholidayend · 07/09/2023 09:16

I think the lack of agreement, even on this thread, on what actually is an open marriage gets to the heart of the problem.

You can set as many boundaries as you like but emotions strike whenever and wherever they want to. I think there's a real effort to culturally separate sex and emotions but I think not many people can actually do that in practice.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you OP and I hope you are able to resolve this as best you can.

mummymeister · 07/09/2023 09:22

The problem with setting boundaries that arent the usual exclusivity one that you get in a marriage is that you set them right at the start when you havent experienced what is happening to you and your husband at the moment. he didnt set out to fall for someone else and risk your relationship, he couldnt have reasonably foreseen this. This isnt either of your faults and that is the starting point. its happened and now you and he together have to decide how to go forward. if you cant tolerate the situation, you have told him and he wont end it then unfortunately you have to make good on your decision and leave. Personally I would also communicate this to the other woman directly so that she knows the situation - you had boundaries he pushed them went over them and thats now it. why? because she is in the position you were in years ago when you got married and it would be good for her to see the other side of this.

Agegapconfusion · 07/09/2023 09:28

@Pleaselettheholidayend i think the important thing is that the terms of the ‚open marriage’ are defined by the couple involved, i agree it’s impossible to define it more generally as it’s really dependent on who is involved. Hence the importance of boundaries and communication as an important part of the process of figuring out together whether something is OK because it will be different for everyone. There isn’t one defined way to have an ethically non monogamous relationship as it’s so variable based on the individuals involved.

I do think if you have boundaries such as - yes you can have sex but emotional closeness is not OK, and if you’ve agreed to that, as soon as you notice you are becoming closer to someone you should be open about it and stop it or if you feel you can’t have sex with someone without becoming attached. In the same way if i developed a crush on a colleague for example, i have a choice to continue that interaction potentially deepening feelings etc, or to avoid as much as possible. Her DP had a choice and chose to continue getting closer to someone against his partner’s wishes. That’s the important bit i think.

Pleaselettheholidayend · 07/09/2023 09:59

@Agegapconfusion I see what you're saying, but really what you're saying your second paragraph is that he cheated. He broke the terms of the agreement.

In a 'typical' monogamous set up the terms are pretty simple: stay loyal, don't sleep with or develop feelings for others. It's pretty easy define cheating and it's gives the aggrieved party a clear way to define and articulate their hurt.

In open arrangements it allows the couple to set up their own terms with lots of sub-clauses and caveats. I think the problem with this is then can become more difficult express hurt or disapproval if you feel your partner has crossed a boundary. Relationships are so subtle and ever changing, so how do you decide what particular act/moment is the time the secondary relationship has crossed a boundary and tipped over into cheating from just being 'open'?

It just a leaves a door wide open for so much hurt and miscommunication and people getting away with bad behaviour because they think they've stuck to the letter of law of their relationship, rather than the spirit of it.

Original poster
hoplesschoices · 07/09/2023 10:03

I find myself blaming the woman and that's not fair she's done nothing wrong. I feel like she's the route of the problem though.
Maybe our boundaries weren't clear enough, I'm at fault here as well as DH.
I just never imagined dating and the like. I thought it was no strings attached friends with benefits type of arrangement
I guess that's on me because I kept quiet at the start when the dating started because I didn't want to rock the boat.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 07/09/2023 10:06

I think you marriage is broken and there's no fixing it. This is not what marriage is about. I strongly advise that you seek counselling (for yourself) and find a way to end the marriage and move on to a future which includes a healthier outlook towards relationships and boundaries.

978q · 07/09/2023 10:08

When it comes to men getting the leg over, any and all boundaries are meaningless, just the way it has always been.