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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment

57 replies

silenttimes · 06/09/2023 19:36

I'm on the 5th day of silent treatment from DH.
Whenever I am looking forward to something he ruins it or does this. It was one of my daughters 18th birthday last weekend. I had a night out planned with her and her friends which he was aware of and coming too. In the morning he just woke up and stopped speaking to me. I asked him what the matter was and he said nothing he just didn't have anything to say. Something was clearly the matter and he made me feel uncomfortable all night.
Im sick of him ruining things. I checked plans and he agrees, then when it comes to it, he goes quiet and has a face on him. When I am what's wrong, he says nothing.
I just feel like he's so selfish and if it's something he doesn't really want to be doing (even if it's for the kids) he ruins it. If I just stop involving him I have to take the kids (younger than the 18 year old) to things on my own and it's hard work. Why should he get to opt out? It feels like he's won.
I hate getting the silent treatment, I can't sleep, eat or concentrate. Just posting to rant as I feel so sad.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 06/09/2023 19:43

Can you not just say, oh here we go again the silent, sulky toddler treatment from a grown man. Can you give us all some indication this temper tantrum is going to last so we know how long to ignore moody pants for please.

He's acting like a toddler.
Treat him like one.

gamerchick · 06/09/2023 19:43

He just doesnt want you to enjoy anything. He wants you to feel on edge.

The silent treatment is listed as domestic violence. It's abuse OP. The best thing you could do is get rid of the daft twat.

If you want to stay with him, then plan things without him, or this will keep happening. It'll always keep happening.

Raggammuffin · 06/09/2023 19:47

It's so awful, my mother gives the silent treatment but at least I don't live with her anymore. It's so dehumanising.

I have concluded that when somebody gives you the silent treatment it's because they know that their ''gripe'' will not sound reasonable, or stand up to reason when it's verbalised. So they don't verbalise it. They keep you trying to figure out how to fix things.

Don't try to fix things, Get a divorce.

It's an absolutely disgraceful way to behave.

Stratocumulus · 06/09/2023 19:50

In the past I had a husband like this. There were other abusive issues too so finally I sought legal advice.

The solicitor listened carefully to my story about being “sent to Coventry” for days on end and commented “that’s abusive behaviour” you can divorce him for that so I did!

ThisWormHasTurned · 06/09/2023 19:51

This is abusive behaviour. My H (thankfully now XH!) used to agree to me going out, socialising, events and then create drama, arguments before I went. I think he wanted to seem like a supportive husband by agreeing but then resented me going, especially if I was leaving him to look after our DD.
This behaviour doesn’t get better. You deserve so much better!

Original poster
silenttimes · 06/09/2023 19:51

I tried asking him how long I was going to be ignored for this time, he just says he's not ignoring me. It's like his life is easier while he's ignoring me, he finishes work, goes to the gym and leaves me juggling work and the kids. It's a way to control me, it just makes me feel awful. I can't even enjoy things I usually enjoy doing in the evenings as it's like a cloud is hanging over me.

OP posts:
Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 06/09/2023 19:52

Grounds for divorce.. Best money I ever spent on our relationship..

Whattodo112222 · 06/09/2023 19:54

Stonewalling is a form of abuse OP

LyricalGangsta · 06/09/2023 19:57

So P used to do this in the very early stages of relationship.

"If you are going to act like a petulant child because you can't get your own way (in this case, he's doesn't want you to go out - with your own child might I add!) then I suggest you pack your shit and leave. I have xx children, I don't need another one"

That sorted it for me. It didn't happen again.

Thelonelygiraffe · 06/09/2023 20:00

Whenever I am looking forward to something he ruins it or does this. It was one of my daughters 18th birthday last weekend. I had a night out planned with her and her friends which he was aware of and coming too. In the morning he just woke up and stopped speaking to me. I asked him what the matter was and he said nothing he just didn't have anything to say. Something was clearly the matter and he made me feel uncomfortable all night.
Im sick of him ruining things. I checked plans and he agrees, then when it comes to it, he goes quiet and has a face on him. When I am what's wrong, he says nothing

He's abusive.

See a solicitor and work out how to leave him. Good luck.

You deserve so much better. 💐

MargotBamborough · 06/09/2023 20:03

You don't have to live like this, OP.

Don't waste the rest of your life on this man.

DeeCeeCherry · 06/09/2023 20:05

I'm on the 5th day of silent treatment from DH.
Whenever I am looking forward to something he ruins it or does this

No man is worth this. Its unkindness, and disrespect. Personally I'd already have been making silent plans, getting copies of all relevant financial documents, with a clear date as to when I'd be getting rid of him. Fuck off sit in silence facing a wall somewhere for all I care.

If you stay with him then this is your life and you'll be sobbing you way miserably through your elder years so either way whatever you choose to do, it needs sorting now. 5 days of silent treatment! I'd be breezily getting on with whatever I needed to do, not mournfully letting someone so rude see that they're spoiling my life. I find people like that deeply disinteresting anyway.

yellowsmileyface · 06/09/2023 20:07

It's a way to control me

You're right there. He's controlling and abusive.

There's no way to reason with people like that because they'll forever insist that they're not doing anything. How can you resolve something he'll never admit to?

I've been there. It's horrible when you get to a point that you dread special occasions rather than look forward to them because you just know he's going to ruin it.

You don't have to live like this.

WhatWillAPearDoAtNight · 06/09/2023 20:08

Raggammuffin · 06/09/2023 19:47

It's so awful, my mother gives the silent treatment but at least I don't live with her anymore. It's so dehumanising.

I have concluded that when somebody gives you the silent treatment it's because they know that their ''gripe'' will not sound reasonable, or stand up to reason when it's verbalised. So they don't verbalise it. They keep you trying to figure out how to fix things.

Don't try to fix things, Get a divorce.

It's an absolutely disgraceful way to behave.

This - haven't read the whole thread but this nails it.

It's abuse, I'm sorry you're going through this.

pointythings · 06/09/2023 20:10

Find your anger. Refuse to live with it. Tell him that he stops doing it completely or you will divorce him. Then follow through.

Whattodo112222 · 06/09/2023 20:12

Just to put into context OP.
My ex was exactly like this.
Every special occasion... ruined
Every night out... ruined
He would also make up arguments out of thin air.. I remember one time I was in a coffee shop and my order was taking a bit of time so I let the person behind me go in front and pay .. he saw this and came raging over and started calling me a c* of a doormat for letting someone go first...
He then didn't speak to me for 2 weeks and blocked me on everything.
Crying... didn't work
Pleading... didn't work
He used to look through me, yawn when I spoke, laugh at me, leave the dinners I used to cook and eat cereal and toast just to spite me.
He used to go out all day and night and I didn't hear from him.
He could go on..and on..and on....
The final time he stonewalled me it was nearly 2 months of the above behaviour.. by week 5 or 6 i became not bothered about it anymore.
Stopped calling him
Stopped texting him
No more Pleading or crying or begging.
I just went about my business with our daughter.
He didn't like that.
It culminated in a punch in the face in front of our daughter...
That was all I needed to know I had to leave him.
I couldn't express the relief of finally leaving him and not having to walk on eggshells or feel tense 24/7.

Honestly, ask yourself if you can live like that.. its abusive and controlling...and wrong.

Pumpkinpie1 · 06/09/2023 20:15

Your daughter is 18 do you want her to believe being ignored abused and humiliated is what makes a normal relationship? Time to be brave and get out

Original poster
silenttimes · 06/09/2023 20:22

He's just come in and started shouting at my son about something so I asked him to leave it. He said 'oh you've found your voice now have you'. I said it wasn't me not talking. He said it was.I calmly explained he had stopped taking to me on Saturday and he said 'yes, because I have nothing to say'. So I said 'well why have you just said it was me that was not talking then, it doesn't make sense'.
He then started having a go at me about something completely different.
I got so angry and shouted 'this is so fucked up, what your saying doesn't even make sense!'. (I have never really shouted before)
He then started mocking me with 'yep, you're right, it doesn't make sense, so what are you going to do about it? '.
I burst into tears and I'm now upstairs crying.

OP posts:
2jacqi · 06/09/2023 20:23

get him a toy dinky car or a lego bike and tell where to go!!! what a big bairn!!!

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 06/09/2023 20:26

Op are they his biological dc?

MissAmbrosia · 06/09/2023 20:27

What set up do you have? Can you tell him to leave? I would find anyway at all to get rid.

Sasha46 · 06/09/2023 20:29

Unfortunately it only escalates it never gets better…..actually sounds like he doesn’t want to be in that setting anyway.

MargotBamborough · 06/09/2023 20:29

Don't engage with him OP.

Two can play the not talking game. Just ignore him for the next few days/weeks while you take copies of all the paperwork you can find about your and his finances, all the passports, birth certificates, marriage certificate, the lot, and book an appointment with a divorce lawyer.

Feel free not to talk to him at all until you serve him with divorce papers.

This will not get better. If you stay with him, one day you'll be 80 years old and lying on the bathroom floor in agony having slipped over while he sits downstairs pretending he can't hear you for hours before he eventually calls an ambulance.

yellowsmileyface · 06/09/2023 20:33

People like this have a very twisted sense of logic. They need for you to be the one in the wrong, and they'll twist things any way they can to make it so.

As I said there's no reasoning with them. You'd be wasting your energy to try to find sense or logic in how they behave.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 06/09/2023 20:35

This is no life. Please try and leave this abusive twat. He’s a prize cunt and ruining the one life you have. Leave and never look back. X

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