Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment

57 replies

silenttimes · 06/09/2023 19:36

I'm on the 5th day of silent treatment from DH.
Whenever I am looking forward to something he ruins it or does this. It was one of my daughters 18th birthday last weekend. I had a night out planned with her and her friends which he was aware of and coming too. In the morning he just woke up and stopped speaking to me. I asked him what the matter was and he said nothing he just didn't have anything to say. Something was clearly the matter and he made me feel uncomfortable all night.
Im sick of him ruining things. I checked plans and he agrees, then when it comes to it, he goes quiet and has a face on him. When I am what's wrong, he says nothing.
I just feel like he's so selfish and if it's something he doesn't really want to be doing (even if it's for the kids) he ruins it. If I just stop involving him I have to take the kids (younger than the 18 year old) to things on my own and it's hard work. Why should he get to opt out? It feels like he's won.
I hate getting the silent treatment, I can't sleep, eat or concentrate. Just posting to rant as I feel so sad.

OP posts:
Einevinefine · 06/09/2023 20:38

Sorry to read this (hugs).
I would get financial documents/passports in a place where you know where to gather them if you can’t tolerate anymore.
It is abuse, my ex use to go from silent to screaming drama and threatening suicide in front of kids. I won’t list all his behaviours as this post is about you.
I really hope you are ok xx

thistimelastweek · 06/09/2023 20:41

So, he asked what are you going to do about it.

Please please tell him to fuck off and mean it.

Please never ever dance to his tune again.

If you can't yet bring yourself to leave him, at the very least ignore the silent treatment. Take away his power.

eatsleepfarmrepeat · 06/09/2023 20:44

You either kick him out, or take your kids and go. He’s an abusive twat. Is he the father of your children? Please get a friend over now and pack some stuff.

Thighdentitycrisis · 06/09/2023 20:48

To answer his question. What you’re going to do is get rid of him

It sounds like he might not be the father of your kids. I hope so, please kick him out, they will thank you

Original poster
silenttimes · 06/09/2023 20:48

He's stormed out. Oldest child isn't his. The two younger ones are.
Thank you all for being so kind, I feel less alone.
You're all right, I know what I need to do, it's just scary.
I work (although he makes it difficult for me) and I'm on the mortgage. I just don't think he will leave if I ask him and I don't want the kids having to live with this atmosphere anymore. It feels as though I've got a mountain to climb and no strength to do it.

OP posts:
Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 06/09/2023 20:54

OP you’re a woman, you’re stronger than you think.

ManchesterLu · 06/09/2023 21:07

This is abusive, he's doing it because he wants to control you and the way you feel. You don't need to put up with it, and you deserve so, so much better. Honestly.

SweetcornFritter · 06/09/2023 21:47

My ex used to give me the silent treatment when things were not to his liking or he disapproved of something I said or did. Just as the Op describes he would say “nothing’s wrong” when I asked and then become ominously silent again. It was a regular thing and would infuriate and upset me. He is now my Ex and this is one of the (many) reasons why.

Ceci03 · 07/09/2023 00:24

It's a horrible way to behave OP. My ex used to do this. Like you say usually when something nice was planned. We have been separated 14 years and he's just started doing it again !!! Older dd is going to uni and he owes me like 5 months of child support but he's just left all my messages unread and won't respond and won't answer his phone. I know there's nothing I can do he can keep this up for weeks on end. It's a horrible way to live. Honestly think how much easier your life would be without him I have no regrets am so relieved to be shot of him even to this day when I read posts like this. Bugs OP

Newestname002 · 07/09/2023 00:32

@Ceci03

Older dd is going to uni and he owes me like 5 months of child support but he's just left all my messages unread and won't respond and won't answer his phone.

I'm sorry you are still being manipulated and disrespected by your Ex. Regarding child support, can you contact child support and have this taken directly from his salary? 🌹

Ceci03 · 07/09/2023 00:45

He lives in Ireland and is self employed. Not sure I can do anything... just wish he would tell me what's going on. Or give me half or make a plan. But nothing.

omgsally · 07/09/2023 00:47

You're definitely not alone. So many women on here understand exactly what you're going through. Please listen to all the advice above and leave this vile man. Stop begging him, pleading with him, trying to cajole him etc. He knows what he's doing. Just get away from him asap. You will find your strength. It takes a lot of strength to stay in abusive relationships. You just need to use it to kick his nasty arse to the kerb. Think of the satisfaction you'll feel when you give him the shock of his life by finally waving goodbye to him.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/09/2023 08:09

silenttimes · 06/09/2023 20:48

He's stormed out. Oldest child isn't his. The two younger ones are.
Thank you all for being so kind, I feel less alone.
You're all right, I know what I need to do, it's just scary.
I work (although he makes it difficult for me) and I'm on the mortgage. I just don't think he will leave if I ask him and I don't want the kids having to live with this atmosphere anymore. It feels as though I've got a mountain to climb and no strength to do it.

Your choice is do you get help to (probably) split now or do you spend the next 30 years living like this and then looking back on a life of control by silent treatment?

Its not fair that he opts out but if he has been like this for a couple of decades he won't change. The decision is can your one life living like this?

Original poster
silenttimes · 07/09/2023 18:51

Thank you all. I went into the office to work today and then met a friend for lunch. It eased the loneliness. I know what I need to do. Just got to make myself do it. I'm home now and he's trying to act normal. It's such a head fuck

OP posts:
Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 07/09/2023 19:11

I filed for divorce and didn't tell dh for 2 weeks.... Start planning op.

Original poster
silenttimes · 07/09/2023 19:49

Thank you. I'm just trying to get some figures together. Could anyone give me a rough idea of what my outgoings would be on a small 3 bed house please? I have worked out how much my mortgage payment would be if I get 50% of the equity in the house we have.
I've made a list but my mind is jumbled and I can't think straight. I think if I know worst case it might help.
I'm just worried as I'm only on a 12 month contract at work.

OP posts:
pointythings · 07/09/2023 19:55

@silenttimes it really depends on the house (how energy efficient is it and so on) and on what level of heat etc. you're used to. It'll be worth looking up what council tax would be as well (if it's going to be you and DC, you will get a 25% single occupancy discount).

I'd also start looking for a job that is permanent as opposed to fixed term, not easy, I know! Depending on how much you earn, you may qualify for support from UC. If your oldest is off to uni, you will have to prove she's a student, otherwise she will count as an adult occupant for your council tax.

Going solo is stressful and financially tough, but it's honestly so much better than being around someone who makes your life hell.

Dalekjastninerels · 07/09/2023 22:08

In the short term treat the Silent Treatment acting immature with the contempt it deserves.

Long term; marriage vows are sacred and you are not the ones who have violated them; so you are well within your rights to act appropriately.

Long story short; Divorce the Dickhead!

fetchacloth · 07/09/2023 22:19

This is abusive and controlling behaviour 😡
I wouldn't stand for it.

junebirthdaygirl · 07/09/2023 22:47

Whil you are waiting for divorce completely ignore the silent treatment. Act like you don't even notice. Put on some music. Sing along as you cook etc. Not only acting as though things are normal but as though you haven't a care in the world. His silence will be wasted.

fairymary87 · 07/09/2023 23:06

Wow I'm so impressed OP! You're putting the kids first, trust me so much they will be so happy! My Dad would go upstairs and sulk over things for hourssss and hours! And it was so tense and stressful and we were all on edge. It was only as I got in my 20's I realised he was emotionally abusive towards the family. Proud of my mum and step mum for leaving him xxx

EveningSpread · 07/09/2023 23:12

My ex used to do this. Ruin special occasions, stonewall me, and deny he was doing anything - or accuse me of doing what he was doing, which was really mind boggling. It’s all alarmingly common behaviour. It’s emotional abuse. They want you constantly preoccupied with them, and on edge.

When, after years of trying to reason and communicate, I finally told him it was over, he was distraught. I ended it by saying I’d come to the conclusion that
(a) he wasn’t aware he was doing all this, so wouldn’t change, or
(b) he was aware he was doing it, so he had been intentionally emotionally abusing me. Either way, I wasn’t staying - but it has taken me along time to get there.

He became very teary and said he knew exactly why I was leaving. The bastard had been doing it on purpose all along! Be prepared for the sudden remorse when he realises you’re serious, but don’t buy it. They never change.

I left and and now live with a lovely man who treats me with care and respect, our house has a wonderful atmosphere, and we have never had a disagreement we couldn’t work through calmly.

I hope that in a year or two you’ll be living calmly too. Ride this out - it’s going to be tough but worth it.

Wallywobbles · 08/09/2023 06:17

Please get legal advice and do what needs to be done.

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 08/09/2023 06:46

junebirthdaygirl · 07/09/2023 22:47

Whil you are waiting for divorce completely ignore the silent treatment. Act like you don't even notice. Put on some music. Sing along as you cook etc. Not only acting as though things are normal but as though you haven't a care in the world. His silence will be wasted.

Oooh, I like that. I was wondering how one ignores the silence, but yes fight Fire with Water. Piss on his chips!

Ceci03 · 08/09/2023 15:08

junebirthdaygirl · 07/09/2023 22:47

Whil you are waiting for divorce completely ignore the silent treatment. Act like you don't even notice. Put on some music. Sing along as you cook etc. Not only acting as though things are normal but as though you haven't a care in the world. His silence will be wasted.

This!!!

Used to dilute the sulking when ex saw me so nonchalant. I think he got off on seeing me stressed and upset and liked the attention of me crying and asking him to stop begging him sometimes I'm enbarrassed go say