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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won't respect boundaries

86 replies

Potatodaisy · 06/09/2023 19:17

Sorry tmi.

I usually use the combined pill however I couldn't pick up repeat prescription in time and told my partner we would have to use condoms or pull out. We had non barrier sex and he finished inside me despite telling him he can't. He's done it several times in the past when I've had issues with the pill (eg illness as I feel if there's an issue he should know). Also when we normally have sex he tends to tell me when he's close and this time he didn't most likely so he could continue. I physically couldn't stop him doing it as either I'm in a position I can't or even when we do girl on top he physically grabs and moves me so I can't. I know it sounds stupid as I did choose to sleep with him but I've said so many times he can't just ignore me and how would he feel if I lied about being on the pill and forced him into a potential unplanned pregnancy situation yet he is choosing to do this to me. He says he gets carried away and he's sorry but it feels awful as I feel like I can't even trust him with sex anymore. What should I do to address this? For background we had an unplanned pregnancy which I terminated as we both agreed it was for thr best which is why it feels even worse he does this.

OP posts:
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 07/09/2023 07:02

He sounds awful op, if you e already had one unplanned pregnancy and terminated then it's simply pure selfishness on his behalf. At worst stop having sexual with him when your contraception pill isn't going to be effective. At best seer your bar higher and leave him.

MisschiefMaker · 07/09/2023 08:48

Throwncrumbs · 06/09/2023 20:15

He doesn’t care, he doesn’t care if you get pregnant as you can have an abortion…he doesn’t care because it doesn’t affect him..he doesn’t care! Selfish arsehole!

This exactly.

From his point of view it's more convenient for you to go through multiple abortions than for him to forgo sex when he's in the mood or to use the pull out method. It's as simple as that.

MisschiefMaker · 07/09/2023 08:59

MaggieBsBoat · 07/09/2023 05:46

I think @usererror99 is just trying to tone down the hyperbole. The shrieks of rape and assault don’t help in the same way that when a woman gets patted on the arse and she shouts assault (and of course it legally and actually is) that it undermines recourse to defining assault under worse situations.

That all said, why are you having sex with him at all @Potatodaisy . Leave him if he doesn’t respect you. There’s a choice for you. He did it once and you stayed.🙎

Oh wow just saw this.

It makes me so sad that some women (if you're a woman) actually think like this.

She explicitly said no, and made it clear she doesn't consent to that act. He physically restrained her so she'd be forced to experience it anyway. It's not hyperbole. It's a clear cut case of rape. Rape can and does happen in relationships, it's just another form of domestic abuse.

Naunet · 07/09/2023 09:01

He cares more about his orgasm than you potentially having to go through another abortion, do you see how selfish and disrespectful that is? And no doubt if you refused an abortion, he’d cry about you trapping him, like the stupid, selfish prick he is. You need to see just how bad this is, he’s abusing you.

Naunet · 07/09/2023 09:05

MaggieBsBoat · 07/09/2023 05:46

I think @usererror99 is just trying to tone down the hyperbole. The shrieks of rape and assault don’t help in the same way that when a woman gets patted on the arse and she shouts assault (and of course it legally and actually is) that it undermines recourse to defining assault under worse situations.

That all said, why are you having sex with him at all @Potatodaisy . Leave him if he doesn’t respect you. There’s a choice for you. He did it once and you stayed.🙎

What is it then when a man physically restrains a woman so he can ejaculate inside her against her explicit demand not to? Not rape or assault according to you, so what do we call it?

Mischance · 07/09/2023 09:10

I think you should leave. You need a man who respects you and who has a proper sense of responsibility. He regards you as his sexual property. You are not.

FFSWhatToDoNow · 07/09/2023 09:12

The fact it’s happens multiple times shows there is no negative consequence for him. So why would he change? He gets the sex he wants and any unwanted outcome is yours to deal with.

Ditch the tosser.

Dolores87 · 07/09/2023 09:51

This is sexual abuse. I am sorry this is happening to you.

billy1966 · 07/09/2023 09:54

CountryStore · 06/09/2023 19:44

It's rape: sex you didn't consent to. He said he would pull out, but he didn't, therefore you didnt consent = rape

This.

He has raped you repeatedly.

Get out of this awful relationship.

This is not a good man.

Stop allowing him to use, abuse and rape you.

Ring Women's aid for support.

Original poster
Potatodaisy · 07/09/2023 12:29

Thanks for all the replies. I know pull out isnt great contraception wise but if two people agree and consent to thst that's their right. What bothers me is I'm keeping him informed of any issues with the pill so he can make an informed choice about his sexual boundaries and then he trampled over mine. Ironically he believes that if a woman lies about being on the pill that that is rape of the man and when I pointed out that if he believes that is wrong how come he doesn't listen to me when I keep him aware and ask for him to use condoms? I said he'd feel hurt if I had not told him and took away his choice and became pregnant as a result and yet by me doing the right thing his response is to take away my choice. Everytime this happens and I tell him I'm going to pharmacy he gets a huff as he says I don't need to take the map so maybe the trying to get me pregnant is a possibility but he talks so much about women trapping men etc and et he can take away my reproductive choices. I will speak to a helpline because in my heart I know it's not right and I should be able to be vulnerable with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Potatodaisy · 07/09/2023 12:30

He also said if I had lied about the pill he'd be hurt but forgive me.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2023 12:35

I will speak to a helpline because in my heart I know it's not right and I should be able to be vulnerable with him.

Why call a help line? Just break up with him.

Pinkbonbon · 07/09/2023 12:36

I hear that you are telling him op but are you taking it in yourself?

Why does he need to confirm he agrees that his behaviour is wrong?

You know its wrong.
Loads of us on here confirming it too.

I think its a great idea to speak with women's aid.

He will never agree he is a rapist.

Op he is a very abusive man. And they always want you to think you are the one woth the problem.

The only time you might get an admission if wrongdoing is when they know you are leaving and then then, it's another tactic, to draw you back.

You will never find the right words to explain to him that he is assaulting you. Because he KNOWS he is assaulting you. He just doesn't want you to know he knows. He wants you to think you are the problem.

That's what abusers do.

Get off the merry go round of trying to explain to him why obviously disgusting abuse is not ok. He isn't 4. He gets it!

Tell yourself to get it!
And get out!
Ruuuunnn!

Pinkbonbon · 07/09/2023 12:40

Ps: I know it's hard to believe that someone who is supposed to love you could do this to you.

But he is.
And of course he knows what he is doing.

So please stop trying to explain to him why you think his behaviour is wrong. He does know its wrong.

Stop wrestling with his pretend confusion and believe in yourself instead.

Pps: and it does sound like he's trying to babytrap you FYI.

TibetanTerrah · 07/09/2023 12:47

I'm not in the least bit surprised he holds a double standard about this.

So he goes on and on about women trapping men, but HE'S trapping YOU. You've already had one termination. Are you just going to keep having them if the MAP fails because you're in such fear of being accused of trapping him?

I don't know why you're spending so much energy trying to convince him to see your side either. He likes things this way, he has no interest in changing the status quo. He gets sex without a condom, forces himself on you when he finishes, and none of the consequences - a baby or termination.

Do you really think he's going to have some kind of epiphany and go, oh yeah, you were totally right, sorry about that!' if you talk to him 'enough'??

Naunet · 07/09/2023 12:53

Potatodaisy · 07/09/2023 12:29

Thanks for all the replies. I know pull out isnt great contraception wise but if two people agree and consent to thst that's their right. What bothers me is I'm keeping him informed of any issues with the pill so he can make an informed choice about his sexual boundaries and then he trampled over mine. Ironically he believes that if a woman lies about being on the pill that that is rape of the man and when I pointed out that if he believes that is wrong how come he doesn't listen to me when I keep him aware and ask for him to use condoms? I said he'd feel hurt if I had not told him and took away his choice and became pregnant as a result and yet by me doing the right thing his response is to take away my choice. Everytime this happens and I tell him I'm going to pharmacy he gets a huff as he says I don't need to take the map so maybe the trying to get me pregnant is a possibility but he talks so much about women trapping men etc and et he can take away my reproductive choices. I will speak to a helpline because in my heart I know it's not right and I should be able to be vulnerable with him.

Wow, he’s trying to force ably impregnate you. He’s utterly disgusting and I don’t think you realise just how serious this is.

Naunet · 07/09/2023 12:55

Why does he need to confirm he agrees that his behaviour is wrong?

Indeed, most rapists will insist they did nothing wrong.

billy1966 · 07/09/2023 13:25

Dear god OP, this is an abusive man.

A rapist.

Its the police you should be talking to.
Reporting him.

Do you want to be abused?

If not, stop having sex and pack your bags.

Thank god you don't have children.

Original poster
Potatodaisy · 07/09/2023 13:28

Sorry by speak to helpline I mean get support in dealing with this. I know its wrong and it is hard to admit my partner is assaulting me. It's not shame the shame should be his just how do you deal with knowing the person you love would do one of the worst things possible you know? So I'll speak to the ones suggested to find a way forward. I know he won't own it but needed to tell him for my sake even if it doesn't get taken in by him.

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 07/09/2023 13:32

Potatodaisy · 07/09/2023 13:28

Sorry by speak to helpline I mean get support in dealing with this. I know its wrong and it is hard to admit my partner is assaulting me. It's not shame the shame should be his just how do you deal with knowing the person you love would do one of the worst things possible you know? So I'll speak to the ones suggested to find a way forward. I know he won't own it but needed to tell him for my sake even if it doesn't get taken in by him.

I guess what everyone means is to what end?
What are you hoping speaking to someone will do?

You can't change him. This is who he is

I hope you get the strength to leave him. And soon.

mrsmalaprop · 07/09/2023 13:35

The harping on about women 'trapping' men is a massive red flag. It smacks of having hung around the manosphere picking up misogyny.

That's why he has no qualms about accidentally getting you pregnant. He clearly doesn't like women very much. Think about that for a minute. You are in a relationship with a man who hates women.

I know it's difficult to accept, but I think you've posted on here knowing exactly what you'll be told - and you want to hear it to validate what you already know about him.

So hear it. This is AWFUL behaviour and you are absolutely right to acknowledge that.

Pinkbonbon · 07/09/2023 13:43

I think it always hurts like hell, even looking back, to think that someone you love could treat you with such contempt. It changes you in a way, the world becomes a darker place. But I promise some good comes from it too - when you're out. In that- you learn you can trust yourself to always have your own back. And that no matter what the world throws at you - you believe in yourself to deal with it.

Of course it takes time and recovery to get to that point. And lots of reading up on how to spot abusers moving forwards (knowledge being power and all that) but you'll get there. For a while the whole world will be a scary place and you'll struggle with not knowing who to trust. But you'll come out the other side a wiser, bolder, more self believing person. I know that feels like a consolation prize right now to a happy relationship that you had hoped for.

But there will be other opportunities for that once you have healed. Real opportunities. Not the lie that this asshole tried to sell you so he could trap you and abuse you.

You are worthy of having good, kind, loving people in your life. But - you've got to choose yourself. And get rid of people who mean you harm. Be brave, you can do this, you'll get through this. Believe in you.

Sparkletastic · 07/09/2023 14:51

You don't sound ready to end the relationship. At the very least tell him that sex is off the table as you cannot trust him.

perfectcolourfound · 07/09/2023 19:12

Please get away from him. I am disgusted reading what he does to you. It shows that he has zero respect for you, for your body, for your feelings.

He doesn't care if he gets you pregnant. He is either trying to trap you into getting pregnant or he thinks he can just force you to get another termination. Both of those are huge deals and anyone who cared for you even a little but wouldn't want you to be in that position let alone force you into it.

He doesn't care. You need to get away from him.

That is before you get to the matter that he's raping you. He is a sexist vile abusive man who is showing you what he thinks of you. You are worth so much better. Please please get away from him.

NoWayNarc · 07/09/2023 23:43

OP, leave. Stop trying to explain it. You know he’s not listening to what you say, there’s no misunderstanding, he just doesn’t care. You’ve already had to have a termination, termination is not birth control. He is a rapist. This does not get better.