Sex when you’re single

[Birthdayblu]

Out with a fellow single friend this evening and happened to mention a past fling. Said fling happened after I’d taken a 4-month break from dating after a run in with an ex which shook my confidence.

Anyway, my friend (in her late 50s fwiw) commented that 4 months was a long time to be celibate. I was surprised given that I know tonnes of couples who are in sexless arrangements. Like me my friend is on dating apps but I tend to need a connection with someone I take to bed. Not always, but usually. I’m in my mid thirties for context and don’t have DC yet.

So. to my fellow singletons, is 4 months a long time to go without in your experience? What do you do to scratch the itch if you’re (like me) not meeting people organically?

feeling rather nostalgic about my confidence-boosting fling, now! 😛

I dunno, guess comes down to each person? I'm not technically single, I'm separated and going through shit right now but it's been five months and it feels like an eternity.

However, I'm not like most guys and I am unlikely to do anything about it as I also prefer a connection too. That and it's probably not wise right now, lot going on am in limbo.

Whatever works for you, doesn't matter what your friend thinks. You either just go for it or you wait until you find someone you are comfortable with.

Not really. I think you get used to it and it gets suppressed

Once in 14 months for me! I gave the one night stand thing a go. Hated it! I need a connection too and don't enjoy sex without one. It really really sucks!

My DP went thirteen years celibate between his ex and I. When I was 20s and early 30s I wouldn’t have gone more than 3 months happily, but experience finally showed me that “just” sex/no connection just didn’t do it for me and made me feel worse about myself not better. So even though I have a high sex drive, I was content on my own till DP came in to my life.

Depends on the individual. I absolutely love sex, but I've been without another person for years at times. I have a vibrator collection though...

What I've found hardest has been not having (non-sexusl) hugs from anyone for months at a time. I have a lot of friends, but most aren't geographically close, and not everyone is very tactile anyway. In some ways, that may have made it easier for me during lockdown, but still...

But in any case, everyone has their own sex drive, which means they might want it several times a day, or once or twice a year - and that can change over time because of hormones, age, work stress, family responsibilities, and a million other things. Some might be happy with one night stands, others need a the security of a close emotional connection that's built over time. So as long as you're okay with how you are, it doesn't matter about others. You do your thing, they can do theirs.

Due to medical issues sex stopped with my late wife in 2011 she died in September 2019. At first I felt like that was it my life as a man who could love a woman was over?
I finally plucked up courage in late 2022 to start dating and I will admit it was not been easy but now I'm with a fantastic woman who understands all the hang-ups that come with starting again.
In my case after 38 years with my late wife who I know I'll never stop loving, but she's not here to love now.
I once again feel like I'm a true reflection of myself with someone that knows how I tick.
She has also been through the loss of her husband & I think that's the main thing that allows us to love again as we fully understand what it is to loose a partner.

Hahaha I haven’t had sex since January/February 2020 - that’s three and a half years!!

Just get a vibrator, provides a much better outcome with less hassle.

I've gone almost a year before when I just didn't like anyone I went on dates with enough to sleep with them. Most of the time between boyfriends or guys I was seeing was 2-3 months max, I also had an ex situationship that I rekindled things with a few times over the years.

I'm on an almost 9 months now (I have a baby and no social life apart from mum friends) so I think I might end up with over a year again!

I’ve gone years without sex but I don’t have much of a sex drive so rarely desire it unless I’m in a loving relationship

OP, lovely, you’re mid thirties and don’t have a partner and are hoping for children?
Do you have the resources to have some eggs put in the freezer?

(I get this wasn’t the point of your post) but as the older mother of a disabled child please try to protect yourself if children is something you’re planing for.

I can't have sex with virtual strangers or people I'm not very strongly attracted to. I have absolutely no judgement for those who enjoy casual sex - in fact, good on them! But the idea of potentially mixing my DNA with someone with weird teeth (for example) makes me feel ill.

I just get on with life. There's not much else you can do!

Sex toys are a complete bargain compared to most of the previous lovers I have had. They don't snore, they do better at your pleasure, they don't spend your money, they don't take up much space, they don't have wandering eyes, they don't have ED, they don't tell me it is wrong to have a headache, they don't need a therapist girlfriend who 'understands' them, and I can put them away in a drawer without any protest. They don't make a load of mess either, or make the younger pre-menopausal me worry about accidental pregnancy. Sex is very over-rated unless it is with the right person, in my opinion.

Not into casual sex and it takes a lot these days for me to consider even dating let alone sex. Been single since January and perfectly happy
not having sex since then. Longest i’ve gone without sex has been maybe two years. I find I don’t miss it really because for me it’s all about the connection vs just getting my kicks. When I date someone I really connect to then sure i’m very into sex, but never really felt the need to share my sexual space with anyone just for frequencies sake or for a warm body which is what casual sex is to me.

That’s a nice story @WtP, happy for you and your new ladyfriend

No..i cant do one night stands. Too awkward and i dont see the point in sex if i dont enjoy it with a stranger.

I just used vibrators. :)

God I went years without sex in my mid thirties. Then I dated someone for a few months earlier this year and we had amazing sex. Now I miss it. I’m not into casual sex either, I’ve had one night stands and they make me feel like crap. I might give OLD a whirl, I’ve just been dusting myself down after the brief relationship as it made me question if I really wanted all the hurt and aggro that comes with a relationship. So I’m currently just enjoying going out a lot with friends, I’ve got such a busy September planned, no time for a man anyway. I have a good vibrator!

i agree with this, but I’m a man and almost all your points are true about women as well apart from the wandering eyes, but my hands are most certainly a lot lower maintenance than most of the previous lovers I have had - and they can’t get pregnant either

It depends on the person!
I have gone that long without before - the longest was a year when I had my fingers burnt by two men in quick succession and needed to take a break. However I've also sought out plenty of casual arrangements when single as I would never choose to go that long!
now I'm married 4 days feels like a long time TBH! DH has a health issue that has prevented sex for nearly 2 weeks and we are both gagging but then we are used to having it on tap!! 😆

It was nearly 7 years for me.....

I’ve been single since March 2020 and it’s the longest period of my adult life both being single and being celibate.

I’ve always had a very healthy sexual appetite but I have to have a real connection with someone before I could even think about sleeping with them I just couldn’t do casual sex or FWB.

So like a lot of us, I’ve made very good use of sex toys - thank god for rechargeable vibrators otherwise my lockdown battery supply would have been huge 🤣

Just started seeing someone in last few weeks so maybe soon I’ll be back in the saddle 😘

4 months really isn't a long time at all to be celibate if you're single and not into casual sex.

I too like a connection but having been single a year, I decided to explore the “sex positive” frame of mind. I’ve actually enjoyed meeting women that actually just want to have a couple of nights out and then have amazing sex. It’s been a turning point for me as I have only had sex in relationships but now I’m seeing it differently.

Lots of women, like me, have busy lives and just want to have some fun without complications.

I’ve found you can connect enough to have some fun rathe than expecting a relationship. That was holding me back a lot.

I probably never went as long as four months, though I don't recall counting! Now, however, it's been 17 years 😬 Got divorced, overwrote him with a couple of friendly shags, and that was the end. Now I'm too knackered, and my circumstances limit opportunities to near zero.

I really enjoyed social sex. I enjoyed the married sex, too, but it rarely contained any more emotional meaning than the 'why not' encounters - and often significantly less.

We're all different, and we sure as hell do change over time and life events. If you're currently averse to commitment-free shagging, don't do it. If you one day find you feel like it, do it. And have fun either way!

I haven't gone as long as 13 years but it has been several years for me.

I need a connection too. I'd rather be single than exchange bodily fluids with a stranger or someone I don't care for. I have a vibrator 😀

Now with DP who like yours was celibate for about 12 years between his ex and me.

Oh I’ve definitely had a couple of years in between relationships in my 20s and 30s.

I’m a very sexual person with a high drive but I can’t enjoy sex with someone I’m not comfortable around and trust and fancy massively, and that takes a while to build for me.

I’ve tried having sex with a couples of people fairly quickly into the relationship and that’s just usually put me off them and I’ve not enjoyed the experience