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Original poster

Sex when you’re single

62 replies

Birthdayblu · 05/09/2023 21:52

Out with a fellow single friend this evening and happened to mention a past fling. Said fling happened after I’d taken a 4-month break from dating after a run in with an ex which shook my confidence.

Anyway, my friend (in her late 50s fwiw) commented that 4 months was a long time to be celibate. I was surprised given that I know tonnes of couples who are in sexless arrangements. Like me my friend is on dating apps but I tend to need a connection with someone I take to bed. Not always, but usually. I’m in my mid thirties for context and don’t have DC yet.

So. to my fellow singletons, is 4 months a long time to go without in your experience? What do you do to scratch the itch if you’re (like me) not meeting people organically?

feeling rather nostalgic about my confidence-boosting fling, now! 😛

OP posts:
Toomanysquishmallows · 06/09/2023 11:40

I had a four and a half year gap between dp,s in my twenties, I was a single parent, so I didn’t meet anyone, until I met my current partner of 20 years.

msmonstera · 06/09/2023 11:43

I bond through sex so have learned that casual sex/ons are not for me. It's been a year and I really miss it. Toys are fantastic but they don't hug you. That said, they don't break your heart either.

Original poster
Birthdayblu · 06/09/2023 11:54

Wow! Big range of responses here. Happy to hear you’re enjoying a new sexual lease of life, @WtP

I didn’t think 4 months was that long given that I’m so busy/picky. I have gone longer under different and more deliberate circumstances. Unfortunately the person who broke the seal last weekend was… disappointing 🤦🏻 and yet I have had previous casual encounters that have been unexpectedly delicious and fab. I definitely miss that element of my last short relationship - it was something that actually worked well. Really wish that the usual avenues for casual sex weren’t so associated with sleaze and horror. A friend’s inbox on fab swingers made my hair curl. I couldn’t possibly go there!

agree with the general consensus that vibrators are a whole lot better than certain sexual partners and the drama they can bring.

OP posts:
Sayut · 06/09/2023 12:06

It has never bothered me. I’ve been years without it. To be honest I’ve never been that fussed anyway even with a partner. I’m 50’s now and really can’t be arsed.

Aworldofwonder · 06/09/2023 13:03

I always really enjoyed casual sex in between relationships so four months would have been long for me, yes. There was a longer period once but I was ill.

I'm in menopause now and in a relationship. I don't have the same interest in sex and if I found myself single again I don't think I would be bothered.

TheGreatATuin · 06/09/2023 17:22

It's completely different from person to person. I'm in my late forties and would hate to go without for four months.
The longest I spent was a year after I left DH and it was really difficult. I don't want to do that again.
I can see how it'd be different for others.
I have a fab fwb now. It's weird. I have a way better sex life as a single woman than I ever did in a relationship.

TheGreatATuin · 06/09/2023 17:26

Really wish that the usual avenues for casual sex weren’t so associated with sleaze and horror. A friend’s inbox on fab swingers made my hair curl. I couldn’t possibly go there
Oh gosh, yes. Fabswingers is a nightmare. I went on there briefly and got so much abuse from men, I went right back off it.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/09/2023 17:28

She’s just bragging ! If she’s single

it’s not that easy to find good quality casual sex flings as that !
and sometimes you need a short break afterwards to process it

PosterBoy · 06/09/2023 17:33

This is the entire point of cultivating a few good fwb relationships - best of all worlds.

Life the last few years has had more celibacy than I ever thought possible, but I am menopausal which I think helps. I would tolerate a few months between shags. Not as many as 4 months though. Sex toys are not a replacement.

SamW98 · 06/09/2023 18:35

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/09/2023 17:28

She’s just bragging ! If she’s single

it’s not that easy to find good quality casual sex flings as that !
and sometimes you need a short break afterwards to process it

I do wonder where all these readily available FWB are because I’ve certainly got no idea how or where to find one.

I remember a friend saying ‘we’ve all got friends we can booty call when we’re in the mood’ and thinking ‘No I really haven’t got anyone of the sort’

Original poster
Birthdayblu · 06/09/2023 20:05

@SamW98 bloody same! I have no clue how I would go about finding one without resorting to absolute dross.

@TheGreatATuin someone messaged my mate asking if he could come round for a shag if he won his bid on eBay later that afternoon. So functional. So grim.

OP posts:
BananaSlug · 06/09/2023 20:12

I think it’s a long time in a relationship but not if single. But then my views are probably different anyway as I’m single and haven’t had sex in 6 years 🥲

SamW98 · 06/09/2023 20:16

Birthdayblu · 06/09/2023 20:05

@SamW98 bloody same! I have no clue how I would go about finding one without resorting to absolute dross.

@TheGreatATuin someone messaged my mate asking if he could come round for a shag if he won his bid on eBay later that afternoon. So functional. So grim.

I’ve got great male friends that I wouldn’t sleep with and as you say, aside from that it’s the pervs from OLD I wouldn’t touch wearing rubber gloves and full PPE

Catsafterme · 06/09/2023 20:28

I wonder if these people haven't experienced how much better it is when you have a connection.

I mean I could if I really wanted to but I've never been in the mind to just do it for the sake of it with anyone like other guys generally do. Dunno, just seems as you said functional but to me it's way better with someone you connect with.

TheGreatATuin · 06/09/2023 20:46

Catsafterme · 06/09/2023 20:28

I wonder if these people haven't experienced how much better it is when you have a connection.

I mean I could if I really wanted to but I've never been in the mind to just do it for the sake of it with anyone like other guys generally do. Dunno, just seems as you said functional but to me it's way better with someone you connect with.

You might not mean it this way but this comes across as really patronising.
Not everyone is the same when it comes to sexual preferences. Plenty of us have been in long term loving relationships and know exactly what the difference is between different types of sexual connection - whether casual or committed or anything in-between.
We're not sad singles ignorantly fucking around because we don't know what love is.

AuntieEsther · 06/09/2023 20:59

Catsafterme · 06/09/2023 20:28

I wonder if these people haven't experienced how much better it is when you have a connection.

I mean I could if I really wanted to but I've never been in the mind to just do it for the sake of it with anyone like other guys generally do. Dunno, just seems as you said functional but to me it's way better with someone you connect with.

I've experienced both thanks! Casual sex has its place in the hierarchy of pleasure.

CrushingOnRubies · 06/09/2023 21:45

My dryest spell was pretty much 3 years. Took me a while to get over ex and then lockdowns and covid happened. Hard to get flirty and stuff when you're socially distant and wearing masks

Catsafterme · 06/09/2023 21:50

TheGreatATuin · 06/09/2023 20:46

You might not mean it this way but this comes across as really patronising.
Not everyone is the same when it comes to sexual preferences. Plenty of us have been in long term loving relationships and know exactly what the difference is between different types of sexual connection - whether casual or committed or anything in-between.
We're not sad singles ignorantly fucking around because we don't know what love is.

Show quote history

No, wasn't meant that way I was meaning guys who just cycle through anyone they can. I can see now how that may have came across that way, apologies didn't mean it towards people in general.

Catsafterme · 06/09/2023 21:52

AuntieEsther · 06/09/2023 20:59

I've experienced both thanks! Casual sex has its place in the hierarchy of pleasure.

Show quote history

Yeah can understand that, wasn't worded the best perhaps but wasn't a dig.

SamW98 · 06/09/2023 21:57

CrushingOnRubies · 06/09/2023 21:45

My dryest spell was pretty much 3 years. Took me a while to get over ex and then lockdowns and covid happened. Hard to get flirty and stuff when you're socially distant and wearing masks

I became single a few weeks before the first lockdown so wasn’t exactly the right time to get back out there. Then once the restrictions ended, I was more about getting out with friends having fun than noticing men.

LaPerduta · 06/09/2023 23:44

I haven't had any sort of sexual contact this year and am pretty fed up with the situation, but I only seem to meet shit men (is there another type??) so don't expect this to change any time soon.

LaPerduta · 06/09/2023 23:49

I did have a FWB at one point but he was pretty rubbish in bed so I terminated that arrangement.

whatisheupto · 06/09/2023 23:51

Sounds like she's jealous to me. What a silly thing to say to you!

username0202 · 07/09/2023 00:10

I've been single a month. I was the one who ended the relationship of 4 years due to am addiction I found out he had. I went off him sexually over the last few months and when we I would fantasise about someone else. I have a very high sex drive.. I'm hoping to meet up soon with an old friend who's made it clear that he likes me & I don't want a relationship & I'm not ready for OLD so I'm just gonna go with the flow & I'm mid thirties xx

Hawkins0009 · 07/09/2023 00:14

@Birthdayblu
Even in established relationships, the business can fizzle, for a number of reasons, that said it's a mix for the individual as to how long or how short etc