Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Checking out other women

75 replies

Purplebluetiles · 04/09/2023 17:45

Hey all, I want to start by saying my partner is usually super respectful. We've been together for 11 years and we had a rocky start to our relationship. When we first got together he told me there was a girl looking at him in a nightclub, that she's beautiful and she's doing a course in the same college as us. This obviously upset me but I let it go. Fast forward a few years said female is now going out with his best friend but I thought we would have moved on and that he's not thinking of her in that way. We went to a wedding this weekend where I felt good about myself for the first time in ages post partum. He didn't know I was there and I saw him properly checking this same girl out-not just a quick look, really looking. I know men are going to look and I have to accept that, but it really hurts that he can't give me the same attention as he's always either busy or tired. I brought it up to him and he says it's such a small thing and I've ruined the memory of the entire weekend by making a big deal of it 😞

OP posts:
5128gap · 04/09/2023 17:56

Oh dear. Sounds like he's got a big crush on this woman. It's unfortunate, but it happens. The important thing is that he controls himself and doesn't act like a lovestruck fool around her, embarrassing himself and everyone else.
In your shoes I'd be telling him you'd clearly seen him staring, so not to insult you by pretending otherwise, and that you would appreciate if in future he'd not make himself look creepy, risk making another woman uncomfortable and annoy you and his mate, should he also notice, by doing it again.

Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 04/09/2023 18:23

Thank you for your reply, he swears down he doesn't but it's so obvious he has a crush on her. To me it's more hurtful than just finding her attractive. I'm definitely going to say this to him, I can't imagine his friend being too happy if he noticed lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 04/09/2023 18:32

Purplebluetiles · 04/09/2023 18:23

Thank you for your reply, he swears down he doesn't but it's so obvious he has a crush on her. To me it's more hurtful than just finding her attractive. I'm definitely going to say this to him, I can't imagine his friend being too happy if he noticed lol

@5128gap ☺️

OP posts:
SisterMichaelsHabit · 04/09/2023 18:53

For me the red flag here isn't the fact that he checked out the girl, it's the fact that he told you that it ruined the memory of the entire weekend when you tried to discuss this with him. This isn't someone who can handle criticism or open discussion about problems in your relationship, that's a serious crack in the foundation IMO.

Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 04/09/2023 20:19

@SisterMichaelsHabit I agree with you, he does it the entire time and makes me feel like I'm the most annoying aggravating woman in the world. It's like he can get away with everything because he reminds me I'm such a pain.

OP posts:
Lookingoutside · 04/09/2023 20:31

’I know men are going to look and I have to accept that’

WTF?! No you don’t. He and every man like him has to stop objectifying women. Get rid of him, he doesn’t respect you.

Onemorebiscuit12 · 04/09/2023 21:02

I believe many of us girls have been here. I've dated 3 men who have all hurt my feelings in this way. .

It's absolutely OK to say to him I don't like it. It makes me feel you would betray me if she offered you a chance and it makes me feel I'm not good enough.

But its also important you remember that they are stupid if they think the grass is greener because its often not. Even if they could pull these women they think are "hot" she could still be a walking nightmare.

It's quite easy for anyone to get lost in an idea or fantasy. But it's not real. Real I'd less than perfect and its being yourself completely right down to seeing eachother in the morning looking rough and being unwell in the same house. It's about the highs and lows. That woman is a created fantasy in his head but she's not real or familiar. You are who he's with. If he's dumb enough to loose you to get an ego boost then more fool him. Sadly I think alot of men like to look and have their relationship safely behind them too!

Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 05/09/2023 15:16

@Lookingoutside I know you're right, it seems like we're conditioned to thinking 'boys will be boys' but I know deep down it's not right. I feel it's even just the fact he was giving another woman the attention that he doesn't give me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 05/09/2023 15:19

@Onemorebiscuit12 it's a horrible feeling 😞 That's exactly it, it feels like all she had to do was put on a nice dress and he completely forgets himself. I know for a fact she's a complete nightmare too but she looks like a walking princess with long dark hair..very frustrating 🙈 You're so right, he keeps saying it's not worth letting go of an 11 year relationship over this but I can't stop picturing the way he stared at her and I'm sad all over again.

OP posts:
StanleyGoodspeed · 05/09/2023 15:22

I would be leaving him, I would not put up with this

MMmomDD · 05/09/2023 15:56

Ok - 11 years ago a girl ‘looked’ at him at a night club. He thought she was beautiful.
He did not drop his early relationship with you despite having opportunity as they studied at the same college
He has been with you and you recently had a baby.
Its now 11 years later. He looks at this woman. Not while standing with you - as you said he didn't know you are nearby.
MN : LTB.

Seriously?

OP - yes, post partum isnt great for self esteem. But you will get through it and feel your old self.
He wasnt disrespectful, didnt ogle her while standing with you, etc.

The most he is guilty of is being human. Its OK to find other people attractive. Its even OK to look at them - discretely. So your partner doesnt feel disrespected. (Or hurt - in your case). Which is what he did.

Just hang on. You’ll get through these
early days and hopefully feel better.
By your comments - it seems jealousy might not be a new issue in your relationship. Possibly driven by generally lower self esteem?

5128gap · 05/09/2023 20:06

Purplebluetiles · 05/09/2023 15:19

@Onemorebiscuit12 it's a horrible feeling 😞 That's exactly it, it feels like all she had to do was put on a nice dress and he completely forgets himself. I know for a fact she's a complete nightmare too but she looks like a walking princess with long dark hair..very frustrating 🙈 You're so right, he keeps saying it's not worth letting go of an 11 year relationship over this but I can't stop picturing the way he stared at her and I'm sad all over again.

Well presumably gawping at another woman isn't worth losing his 11 year relationship over either.
Why should you stop minding the behaviour to save the relationship when it would be better all round if he just stopped the behaviour to save it?

Didimum · 05/09/2023 20:15

“I know men are going to look and I have to accept that”

Here’s your first problem. No they don’t have to look and no you don’t have to accept it.

5128gap · 05/09/2023 20:22

Didimum · 05/09/2023 20:15

“I know men are going to look and I have to accept that”

Here’s your first problem. No they don’t have to look and no you don’t have to accept it.

I agree with this. If more women refused to accept it fewer women would have to suffer the discomfort of being stared at.

Loubelle70 · 05/09/2023 21:57

Hes gaslighting you so you feel crap about 'ruining the memory weekend etc'. How about him ruining yours by ogling this other woman! . Hes trying to play with your mind.. also hes prob peed off that you caught him and prob in bad mood because his mates dating her. You ruined nothing, if he wasnt ogling thered be no ruined weekend. Dont let him turn it around on you. He shouldnt be ogling anyone .

Loubelle70 · 05/09/2023 21:59

Absolutely!!! Its piss poor. No we dont nor will we accept it. Thats just a quote men say to make it look like every man does it so its ok..its so they can get away with it. I wouldn't accept it anymore. He would be outta here

Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 05/09/2023 23:47

@StanleyGoodspeed Starting to think this is my best option

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 05/09/2023 23:51

@MMmomDD I do understand where you're coming from. We're human and we're all going to find other people attractive. However, I also think it's hurtful from the side of not getting attention. When it feels like someone is telling you you look nice because they think you might get annoyed if they don't, and not caring where you are at said wedding, but have all the time in the world to look at another woman it's just plain hurtful.

I also think had different paths crossed she wouldn't have said no to getting to know him at the time. I have low self esteem because these kind of things keep happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 05/09/2023 23:52

@5128gap I agree, an 11year relationship can't just be a get out of jail free card for shitty behaviour! I'm trying to forget about what's happened but it's already changed the relationship dynamic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 05/09/2023 23:53

@Didimum thank you! He says I'm a weirdo for genuinely not checking out other guys 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 05/09/2023 23:54

@5128gap fact! Completely agree

OP posts:
Newnamehiwhodis · 05/09/2023 23:54

I think the deeper problem is what you have repeated a few times and no one has replied to, which is that he doesn’t look at you that way.

I’d leave him too. It isn’t over a petty thing. It’s this: you told him how you feel, and, rather than hear you and work on things, he flipped it back on you and said you ruined the weekend.

nope. I’d be out.

Seagullchippy · 05/09/2023 23:55

Lookingoutside · 04/09/2023 20:31

’I know men are going to look and I have to accept that’

WTF?! No you don’t. He and every man like him has to stop objectifying women. Get rid of him, he doesn’t respect you.

I wouldn't ever consider a relationship with a man who had the inclination to yet alone actually carried out such sexist, imbecilic, pervy behaviours.

Of course you don't have to accept it.

Plenty of men are capable of falling in love and finding themselves only attracted to the woman they're in love with. It's normal and healthy.

Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 05/09/2023 23:56

@Loubelle70 thank you, this is exactly what I'm thinking. He's saying he knew there'd be some kind of issue with me at the wedding and my response to this is: why are you with me then?! I really think if you genuinely appreciate your partner you won't want to admire other people in that way

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 06/09/2023 00:01

@Newnamehiwhodis For sure, thank you. I get told I look pretty every now and then but it was honestly so hurtful to see him admiring another woman in that way. That's exactly it-he made me feel awful when he's the one in the wrong!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread