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Original poster

Checking out other women

75 replies

Purplebluetiles · 04/09/2023 17:45

Hey all, I want to start by saying my partner is usually super respectful. We've been together for 11 years and we had a rocky start to our relationship. When we first got together he told me there was a girl looking at him in a nightclub, that she's beautiful and she's doing a course in the same college as us. This obviously upset me but I let it go. Fast forward a few years said female is now going out with his best friend but I thought we would have moved on and that he's not thinking of her in that way. We went to a wedding this weekend where I felt good about myself for the first time in ages post partum. He didn't know I was there and I saw him properly checking this same girl out-not just a quick look, really looking. I know men are going to look and I have to accept that, but it really hurts that he can't give me the same attention as he's always either busy or tired. I brought it up to him and he says it's such a small thing and I've ruined the memory of the entire weekend by making a big deal of it 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 16:46

@MMmomDD I definitely want to try counselling because I know deep down we're best friends at the end of the day. I was always told I would find it hard to get pregnant so when I did, I just thought this little guy is part of my story now 🤷

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Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 16:47

@PaintedEgg I also didn't realise it came across like I said he wasn't attracted to me-he is, I'm a good looking gal. I feel like he's more attracted to others which is probably sub optimal in a relationship

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LightSpeeds · 07/09/2023 16:58

Bin him off and make him feel small!

Loubelle70 · 07/09/2023 17:53

Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 16:05

@Loubelle70 grateful for you on this thread! I 100% do waaay too much explaining myself in general! X

That's your boundaries, they keep you safe. Use them. Don't change who you are to please anyone, or especially a man. If you dont like something he does ..let him know it. If he brushes it off with that 'all men' rollocks...id wave him off..with the double digits. Xxxx

PaintedEgg · 07/09/2023 18:00

nothing you've posted here suggests you're trying at all. despite him apparently being very loving and respectful you're going on and on about the fact that he looked at another woman while he had no idea you were there to witness it

what he could possibly do more other than wear blindfolds?

Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 18:35

@PaintedEgg hahaha wow, I mean trying your best to communicate that you'd like a little bit more romance, trying to plan dates and meals. Suggesting couples counselling and stating we need to spend more time together and asking what I can do help the relationship stay vibrant. No I don't think I've tried at all. This definitely wasn't building up from a lack of attention or anything.

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Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 18:39

@Loubelle70 thank you, I really thought we were progressing in terms of women's boundaries being taken seriously. My son is definitely going to be raised to with all this in mind 💕 xxxxx

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nursei · 07/09/2023 18:43

MMmomDD · 05/09/2023 15:56

Ok - 11 years ago a girl ‘looked’ at him at a night club. He thought she was beautiful.
He did not drop his early relationship with you despite having opportunity as they studied at the same college
He has been with you and you recently had a baby.
Its now 11 years later. He looks at this woman. Not while standing with you - as you said he didn't know you are nearby.
MN : LTB.

Seriously?

OP - yes, post partum isnt great for self esteem. But you will get through it and feel your old self.
He wasnt disrespectful, didnt ogle her while standing with you, etc.

The most he is guilty of is being human. Its OK to find other people attractive. Its even OK to look at them - discretely. So your partner doesnt feel disrespected. (Or hurt - in your case). Which is what he did.

Just hang on. You’ll get through these
early days and hopefully feel better.
By your comments - it seems jealousy might not be a new issue in your relationship. Possibly driven by generally lower self esteem?

That's not nice. Jealous or not, he's obviously got a thing for this other girl that's not going away. I would be concerned also.

PaintedEgg · 07/09/2023 18:54

Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 18:35

@PaintedEgg hahaha wow, I mean trying your best to communicate that you'd like a little bit more romance, trying to plan dates and meals. Suggesting couples counselling and stating we need to spend more time together and asking what I can do help the relationship stay vibrant. No I don't think I've tried at all. This definitely wasn't building up from a lack of attention or anything.

if you go after him like that over something that is genuinely nothing, do you think he will feel like going in a date with you? what if you go out and he happens to glance in a direction of another woman?

Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 19:27

@PaintedEgg No, I suppose me voicing that I'm upset that he gave more attention to a woman he once really fancied, would make him probably not want to go anywhere with me. I'll remember to keep quiet next time in the hope he'll grace me with his affection 🙏 Lol unfortunately at this stage I'm thinking if I'm too much he can go find less 🥰

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Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 19:28

@PaintedEgg and also this does happen. I say fuck all. I said previously, it could have been any other woman.

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PaintedEgg · 07/09/2023 19:46

@Purplebluetiles is this how you escalate your conversations with him as well?

if you want to leave him then leave him, i just dont understand a logic of saying that he normally is very "well behaved" but apparently not enough?

what would you actually say during the counselling session? that you get mad at him for telling you compliments because you don't believe they're genuine, mad at him for not paying you attention even though it cancels out the first statement, mad at him for looking at other women and mad at him for being upset that he apparently is always doing something wrong?

what do you want him to do? there is nothing that wont result in you being mad at him

Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 19:56

@LightSpeeds you 100% have an idea there!

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Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 19:58

@PaintedEgg I would say that we're best friends and I find it really sad that I literally ask for nothing apart from some attention and a little bit of admiration every now and then. To not be gaslit when I bring up something that makes me uncomfortable and that I can't imagine being with anyone else so I really want to try and make it work. He knows he has things to work on and I'm no saint, I know I have things to work on too. But I still don't think what he did is acceptable.

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Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 19:59

@nursei thank you, when you actually see it happen in front of you it's such an awful feeling.

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PaintedEgg · 07/09/2023 20:09

It genuinely sounds like looking at another woman is not the main problem...

before you make any demands of him, you have to really evaluate both his behaviour and your relationship, because it does seem like you're going back and forth in that assessment

You've described him clearly ignoring and disrespecting you (you speak to him and he looks at his phone, thats bloody rude!), gaslighting you, implying you always cause some sort of issue so he doesn't enjoy being around you (or at least thats what his comment about going to that wedding sounded like), and never taking on board any criticism. Then you backtrack and say he is not that bad. If the stuff you have described is accurate then no, he IS that bad....and if it's not then for some reason you feel the need to exaggerate- even if it is just in the moment.

also, if the real problem are consistent issues with intimacy, communication and quality time, then narrowing down on individual situations does not work in your favour. isolated, this situation really is not that much of a big deal and it is easy to dismiss as trivial. but its not just about that one situation, right?

Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 20:22

@PaintedEgg You're right, there's definitely other problems going on and we've both been stressed for the last while which doesn't help anything. I think I'm just so head over heels for him that when he's nice and kind I disregard the other stuff. Honestly I don't know how I would navigate life without him or deal with him being with someone else, sad as it sounds 😅

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PaintedEgg · 07/09/2023 20:46

you're really putting this man on a pedestal and this is not helping neither you nor the relationship.

you'd be absolutely fine without him!

5128gap · 07/09/2023 21:10

Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 20:22

@PaintedEgg You're right, there's definitely other problems going on and we've both been stressed for the last while which doesn't help anything. I think I'm just so head over heels for him that when he's nice and kind I disregard the other stuff. Honestly I don't know how I would navigate life without him or deal with him being with someone else, sad as it sounds 😅

Its not very healthy to feel that way about someone who's behaviour makes you miserable. Those sort of feelings should be reserved for people who makes us truly happy.
When there are a lot of issues yet you still feel this way, it's often due to an unhealthy dynamic where you've been 'trained' to feel so grateful and appreciative of any good things that it gives you a high that feels very much like being head over heels. What it really is, is the contrast between nice him and disinterested disrespectful him makes the good times seem amazing. When in reality they should be the norm.

Loubelle70 · 07/09/2023 22:19

Fook all that. Its not just up to the woman fcol. Makes me angry. Been there done it. Wasnt anything i wasn't but...if they've a wandering eye, theyve got a wandering eye no matter how 'all in one package' you are. Some men are just never satisfied , even though theyre not that hot themselves. Women have to pander, look 'nice', have meal on table, dress attractively.. whilst he sits there farting and scratching his balls expecting a bj?. Bit fat NO

Loubelle70 · 07/09/2023 22:22

Purplebluetiles · 07/09/2023 18:39

@Loubelle70 thank you, I really thought we were progressing in terms of women's boundaries being taken seriously. My son is definitely going to be raised to with all this in mind 💕 xxxxx

Im already on it with my grandson 👍😁 xxx

Loubelle70 · 07/09/2023 22:29

Seagullchippy · 05/09/2023 23:55

I wouldn't ever consider a relationship with a man who had the inclination to yet alone actually carried out such sexist, imbecilic, pervy behaviours.

Of course you don't have to accept it.

Plenty of men are capable of falling in love and finding themselves only attracted to the woman they're in love with. It's normal and healthy.

Show quote history

^this

Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 09/09/2023 23:27

@5128gap I do understand where you're coming from, I'm definitely aware that this is a thing in our relationship. Since this has all happened it's been like a 180 switch in him but I'm no fool and it could be back to the old ways in a few days time 😅

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Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 09/09/2023 23:33

@Loubelle70 fact!! They have to do the bare minimum and even act like they're great because they send a little 'how are you' message everyday? I think you hit the nail on the head-really that was the entire point of the post, you do so much as a woman only for it to not be appreciated

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Original poster
Purplebluetiles · 09/09/2023 23:34

@Loubelle70 love that 😊😊 xxxxx

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