Checking out other women

[Purplebluetiles]

Hey all, I want to start by saying my partner is usually super respectful. We've been together for 11 years and we had a rocky start to our relationship. When we first got together he told me there was a girl looking at him in a nightclub, that she's beautiful and she's doing a course in the same college as us. This obviously upset me but I let it go. Fast forward a few years said female is now going out with his best friend but I thought we would have moved on and that he's not thinking of her in that way. We went to a wedding this weekend where I felt good about myself for the first time in ages post partum. He didn't know I was there and I saw him properly checking this same girl out-not just a quick look, really looking. I know men are going to look and I have to accept that, but it really hurts that he can't give me the same attention as he's always either busy or tired. I brought it up to him and he says it's such a small thing and I've ruined the memory of the entire weekend by making a big deal of it 😞

@Seagullchippy for real! I keep getting told that it's a tiny small insignificant thing to complain about and he doesn't understand how it's affecting me so much. He's actually disrespecting me, his friend and her with his actions and if he really did love me I don't think he'd feel the need to act the way he did.

Hes gaslighting again. No wonder you don't know if youre coming or going. Ive been there, similar situation and it sucks. Its disrespectful, he doesnt compliment or show you that level of interest, angers me. Hes being a dick and thinking with it. Having a glance is different, but staring, admitting he liked her, its just plain rude.
Im also pretty (confidence lol) and my ex stared at every woman that he could see, i didn't have confidence then, he made sure i didnt. Never gave me compliments, rarely said he loved me, never initiated anything etc.
Now itd be different, i wouldn't put up with it...the porn or staring at other women. Personally i would have to ask him to leave because this will eat away at you until youve no confidence left then youll be hanging on for dear life, which is no look lol. Seriously, you deserve better and hes a pig

he does it the entire time and makes me feel like I'm the most annoying aggravating woman in the world. It's like he can get away with everything because he reminds me I'm such a pain.

Seems so whenever he does something that upset you (which I'm guessing is not just checking other women out), and you say your feelings are hurt, he minimises and denies how you feel and makes out that the 'real' issue is your ludicrous oversensitivity, not his behaviour?

If so, I think this is actually your biggest problem.

OP - read what you wrote again…

….When it feels like someone is telling you you look nice because they think you might get annoyed if they don't…
……. but have all the time in the world to look at another woman it's just plain hurtful.

Its really about you and how you feel about yourself. Why do you assume he complimented you because he had to????
You know how difficult it is to he with someone who is low self esteem and need the other person to prop them up??

OK - that woman is beautiful. But is she really the only beautiful woman that you come across? There are many people around us that are objectively more attractive than us. Its not a reason to be unhappy, or leave a relationship over.

If Brad Pit showed up to the wedding in question - would you really not glanced at him?
Your H didnt do it in front of you. Its really unfair to punish him for looking at an attractive person, when you werent around.

You did mention you had a baby recently. Are you maybe, possibly, bit down on life in general? It takes up to a year after baby for hormones to normalise. I have a feeling it may be playing a part here.

Please dont make any life altering decisions now.

I disagree. Some men can bring an otherwise confident woman down with their behaviour. Its slowly chipping away at a confident woman to make her accept things she wouldn't have before. The narcissists arsenal. So maybe hes chipped away at her confidence, for a while unrecognized until her self esteem is very low. As for brad pitt...she probably would glance, but i guess out of respect for her OH she wouldnt ogle. Maybe im projecting and assuming, i had my confidence destroyed by a man who cleverly chipped away at me and before i knew it , my self esteem was destroyed. It was his behaviour nit mine that destroyed the relationship. Its disrespectful to ogle.

staring at an objectively attractive person is annoying, but not the end of the world

his comments about you, that boil down to treating you like some sort of nuisance, are worrying

did he elaborate as to why he thought you'd create a problem? is it a frequent argument you have?

because either you are very oversensitive and bother him for no good reason (unlikely) or he exhibits awful behaviour and gets called out often which he doesn't like (more likely).

Even if it were generally considered fine to ogle other people when you're in a relationship (and some people are ok with it, which is up to them)...the problem of his dismissal of your feelings remains.

It isn't ok for someone to keep undermining you like that.

Thing is - none of us were there.
So we dont know what actually went on. And what sort of look it was.
Maybe he did oggle. Maybe he just looked.
Sensitive insecure people may see what they expect to see.

I have been on both sides of that.

Both by seeing things that were not there, because of where my head was at the time. And by people accusing/assuming things about me - completely unfairly.

I also had PND - so also know how that changes perception of life. And for quite a long time.

So - I’d still tell OP to focus on her baby, and on rebuilding her confidence. Get out, start exercising, or seeing friends, etc. Dont obsess about some woman who isnt a threat.

This ^

@Loubelle70 thank you, he really is. He's become more self aware telling me I shouldn't be feeling like I'm in the wrong when he's the one who made a slip up. That's exactly it- it's slowly but surely bringing confidence down a peg and chipping away at it! I'm still undecided what I'm going to do but we definitely need couples counselling or something going forward 😅

@CheekyHobson fact!! It seems as though he can get away with doing whatever he wants because 'I have an issue with everything" and I'm a pain in the hole, to which I keep asking: "why are you with me then?" 🤣🤣

@MMmomDD He told me he had a checklist of compliments to give me on the day of the wedding because he knew I'd complain about him not giving me any compliment.

I wouldn't actually say my self esteem is that low, I'm really pretty to be honest. I think personally a problem arises when your other half never tells you. It's not always romantic either. It's someone stating at their phone while you're trying to speak to them and maintain a connection, only for them to be able to engage in focused conversations with other people.

This is not just a random attractive person, it's someone who he once told me was more his type and he would be open to get to know, was I not in the picture. I have noticed good looking people but I also am not blind and physically saw him running his eyes up and down her body. Unfortunately it's imprinted on my mind, strangely accurate memory is really a curse at times.

I don't have PND, I have depression in general but haven't felt it worsen since becoming a Mum, rather I'm more confident in my body and what it's done for me. It all boils down to not being respected and trying to be a good partner and mother all at the same time, and effort not being reciprocated.

@PaintedEgg it's literally impossible to bring up any kind of issue with him! His own sister told him he gets way too emotional too quickly to which he doesn't agree. Of course he doesn't 😅 I think he exhibits a lot of the behaviour he sees from his home though, we've had issues with his parents overstepping boundaries with LO so I think they kind of just do whatever the f they want lol. Textbook narcissism all round

@Seagullchippy thank you, that's exactly it! It's the complete dismissal of my feelings and him taking the piss out of the word 'gaslighting' that's a giant red flag for me.

@Loubelle70 you're honestly reading my mind! It messes with your head when you're giving so much to a relationship only to be met with the bare minimum and then have disregard your concerns! Feeling ready to jump ship haha

OP - I dont know what to say that can help.
You do sound down and unhappy.
And it does seem the resentments are running both ways.

Couples counselling can help - but only if BOTH of you are open to examining not only the other’s flaws, but also how your own issues/behaviours affect the relationship.
If you come to counselling expecting it to fix him only - it will fail. And you shouldn't bother.

I don’t know why it still bothers you that 11years ago there was a woman he found attractive that was his type. And why its surprising to you that he still finds her attractive now. Why would that change?
Attraction is physical and we cant control or turn it off. Even when we are paired up - we can still find others attractive.

Looking when he WASN’T with you is not unusual.

I walked from the gym yesterday - its a hot day and i was in just a sports bra and shorts. I am in good shape at the moment - so several men glanced at me up/down.
Do they need to divorce their partners?
I am sure most didn’t even realise they were looking - it is often an absent minded action.

I think in a way you are fixating on this woman/his glance at her - more to have some concrete reason for your unhappiness. And i do think your depression plays a role in how you feel.

You talk about him(your life?) not being romantic enough. Not having compliments. Etc. Are you struggling with how reality of longer term relationship and drudgery of household and child rearing is VS your expectation of happily ever after?
Or - maybe you expected marriage/kid/security lift off your depression while it didn’t?

Its far easier to fixate on long haired attractive woman from the past. But i do have a feeling - that even if she wasn't at that wedding - you’d be at the exact same place. Feeling just as down.

I do hope a therapist can help you unwind it all and get you to a better place.

Good luck @Purplebluetiles . Let him prove it to you. Oc you will be on guard, youve every right to be until youre ready not to be. Dont be rushed. His loyalty commitment to you will show in time if hes not just saying it atm to placate you. If he gets impatient that's a big issue. Apologizing and carrying on as before wont cut it. Good luck xxx

@MMmomDD I understand where you're coming from. I don't know lots about psychology but what I do know would hint I haven't come to terms with what he said all those years ago. I think it was the realisation we both wanted different things at the time, kind of giving a big tick to the anxious thoughts you have that actually turn out to be true.

I definitely am unhappy, I'm not expecting a fairytale- I'm just sad that it was the first time I really felt like myself after baby and it doesn't ever seem enough for him. I've had people over the years including friends of his, tell me that I'm more interested in him than he is me. Unfortunately when you're in love you kind of just get on with it but I find it really sad that other men at this wedding were looking at me more than he was. Not that I wanted them to, it's just something I noticed. He can look at all the women in the world, I'd just like the same respect back.

There is nothing wrong at all to expect your OH to compliment you, stare at you, and not to stare at other women whilst you stand there like a downtrodden OH. Dont explain yourself to this extent! You aren't happy with his behaviour paying other women more attention than he shows you..tell him to stop it or go x

@Purplebluetiles

These are exactly the kind of things you should be discussing with a professional.
You can figure out why something said many years ago affected you.

The stupid thing he said years ago fell on fertile ground of you somehow feeling inadequate. As you said - friends commented over the years you were more into him, etc. It all probably manifested in you being needy and being on the lookout for constant reassurances. And also by seeing every little thing as a sign he isn't really into you. And our minds work such that we can often see the signs where there were none. So - no - anxious thoughts don't necessarily highlight some deep truths - more often like they create a parallel reality where you jump at shadows and see things in a particular way.
(Most of us been there - assuming the worst, misunderstanding intentions, etc. )

But that seems to be the pattern you fell into. You - feeling he doesn't really want to be with you. He - as its apparent - frustrated to be constantly doubted, and constantly failing you. That explains what you say his reaction was. And the fact he is so afraid to fail - he prepares and makes sure to compliment you - knowing you’ll make it yet another failure on his side.

But - what you don’t see and recognise - is that all those years - he didn’t HAVE to stay with you. He DIDN’T have to settle - men don’t have to rush as their fertility isn’t limited like ours. He chose to be with you because physical appearance (‘type’) is superficial. And relationships aren't based on that.

Equally - you noticed that other men were looking at you at the wedding. Was it OK that they did? Should their partners be leaving them?

It is clear that the two of you need to have some serious relationship maintenance/tune up. Its time to actually talk and understand each other - not just assume and get hurt.

@Loubelle70 grateful for you on this thread! I 100% do waaay too much explaining myself in general! X

@MMmomDD yeah no doubt it would help, it obviously runs a lot deeper than this one time but I don't think he's as blameless as you insinuate. I really don't ask for much in a partner, just to give me the same attention and time as a random girl you meet on a night out which he wasn't giving me. He did try more over the years and I actually stopped bringing up any issue that arose because I knew he would just get pissy with me.

He doesn't really think enough to care about hurting my feelings- at least he didn't in the past. I'm starting to think-did a man who does this to his own partner write these replies? 🤣 I feel I've been way too understanding with him over the years if you want a list of the stuff he's done I don't think there'd be as much sympathy pouring in. 🤣

I saw men looking, I didn't see anyone ogling me or others the way he did. Also, all the men who were coupled there including his best friends actually spent time with their partners on the day. I don't think it's clinginess or neediness to want to spend some time with your partner at an event.

Also, as an end note the woman in question posted a photo and cropped him out of it which I could be reading too much into but says to me, she most likely found his behaviour creepy and not super normal.

so you've already decided that he is not attracted to you, would leave you if you could (he can btw), and you're absolutely right and he's wrong

are you looking for a reason to leave him? you dont need to make him a bad guy to do that, you know?

I am not assigning blame - i am not in this marriage.
All i am saying - counselling may help. But its hard work and needs effort on both sides.
If you come there as you sound here and now - its hopeless.

Can i ask - you do seem really unhappy with him - why bring a baby to this?

@PaintedEgg I have said though that he's usually really respectful and we're in love I just don't feel like I'm getting enough attention at the moment, and that I'm trying more than he is.