long sorry, but I need to vent about my touchy dh, no replies needed but all are welcome

[yahboosucks]

we have a gorgeous six month old dd

my dh loves her to bits

he has just suggested we start trying for another, to which I suggested that if he could get a bit more involved that would be fine, but until then it doesnt really appeal

and he has promptly gone off on one moaning what he ALWAYS moans on whenever I dare to criticise

"I am a pretty good husband to you you know, its so unfair, you are making me feel really bad" huph humph humph tennagery strop off all passive aggressive as usual, which makes me feel bad

BUT

since she has been born he has done/ not done the following

has changed only 6 nappies and has always required help - the last one of which was in October, which he only managed because he made me shout out detailed instructions even though I was simultaneously barfing down the toilet with food poisoning

actually thinking about that episode, the moment I was dressed and hobbling round the house feeling god awful the baby was handed back to me as he had a "hangover" and he had changed her nappy that morning so he was entitled to a "little" lie down (all afternoon)

has not given her a bottle for the last 3 months

has only ONCE fed her her lunch and only because he had no choice - this is now used as evidence that he is an exemplary father

has never given her a bath

has never dressed her

has never once got up in the night with her, yet still moans that he is SOOO tired and when I have snapped back that I am also tired has done the above "I am a good husband and you don't appreaciate me yah da yah da yah da...its not fair that you are trying to make me feel bad"

when asked to do anything more than hold her does the teenagery humphing "right fine whatever!" like I have just asked him to repaint the farking sistine chapel!

incidentally he will happily hold her, when she is in a good mood and all smiley and HE has decided he wants a cuddle, but of course when I ask him to do it (ie: if she is moaning and needs a bottle making up) it is a massive chore.

this a is a bit long and ranty and probably does not make a lot of sense but I am just so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can't think of anything constructive and hepful, but feel free to vent away.

[sympathetic face]

or even helpful

Sounds like it is time for you to have a weekend at your mums/best friends house, minus LO - give him a detailed list of instructions about what to do - then see if he appreciates what you do as a mum!

If that is too drastic, then I think you need to start doing a few things on your own at weekends. He may find it easier to get involved with DD if you are not there, IYSWIM.

'repaint f sistine chapel'...hehe

Don't know what to recommend. Sexual favours? Usually works...

I'm pregnant with our fist child but he's already shown a bit of leg, i.e. saying: I obviously work very hard...so won't get up at night whereas you will be lounging around the house...

Seems I'm up for new position of washing & cleaning fairy, too.

Any tips on how to prevent this or re-education programs will be appreciated!

yes thankyou tickle, that is exactly what he needs, but he will make such a song and dance about how its not fair that he should be in charge of the baby when he has been working all week, and how he doesnt know what he is doing, its just not worth it

this in turn will make me panic for our poor dd

{poor me] face

sorry, in the doldrums a bit but thanks anyway

"lounging round the house" pmsl

what the hell do they think we do all day!!

OP - I have come to the conclusion that there are men like your DH around, i.e. won't change a nappy, feed, bath etc etc, BUT, there are also women around who constantly moan that their men do nothing with the kids, BUT when the men do make an effort to do something, the woman either critisises or tries to take over because NO ONE can do the job as good as them.

Now I am not saying this is you and your DH -I mean I do not even know you, but I have friends like this and it pisses me off tbh.

Gosh, he needs a reality check.

The only way you'll give him the much needed kick up the arse is to go out AT LEAST for a day/evening & leave him to it.

What is/was his dad like in terms of hands on stuff?

What a great tactic of his to get out of doing anything- moan about how bad you're making him feel if you ever criticise him then it's you being the baddie, not him. How unreasonable of you to mention that he never does anything! Not how unreasonable of him to never do anything! makes my blood boil thinking about it. Wait till about another twenty MN's have replied to your thread then show it to him, and maybe burst into tears and be all helpless if being stroppy and complaining isn't working. I totally think he needs to be left on his own for a day woth her and to be told that you're doing it exactly so he stops thinking he's the one working hard all week when it's you that's working hard all week, all day and all bloody night!

I think he just doesn't realise that being home with a baby is hard work, and that you don't ever get a weekend! Remind him gently that you are both dd's parents. And then say it again, at frequent intervals.

If all else fails, withhold those sexual favours!

Message withdrawn

shaniece - when he does do something I lavish him with praise on the basis that hopefully he may want to do it again

I never criticise on the odd occasion when he makes an effort

so far this has never worked

God,what a knob.
Why did you have a baby with the useless fucker?

pelafina - its not that I let hime get away with it, I jusrt sort of get on and do it myself rather than have a row

I am doormat, hear me roar!! NOT

moon dog

I really don't know how you can put up with it! or why some men think it's ok to act like this. I tell you if my partner treated me like that esp the food poisoning incident he would have been out the door a long time ago.
my partner isn't dds (2.9) natural dad and he does a hell of a lot more than your OH does.
Can you really go on like this? I know I couldn't I would be telling my dp he had to step up.

Like I said OP, I never said this was YOU and your DH. It;s just I know women that will moan big time about their DH's saying they won't change a nappy, feed, bath, etc, but when the DH DOES actually do something they push them out of the way and tell them not to bother - in other words, no one can do it better than them .

FWIW - My DH was like this at the start of our marriage with our first born, and I put up with it for a while, then I threatened to leave him and he soon bucked his ideas up. He does pull his weight these days.

ravenAK - his dad was definitely not hands on, which I think has a lot to do with it. mil has told me that when she had dh fil just dropped her off at the steps to the hospital, lit his pipe, and said "back later, cheerio!" - and he was a gp!

his dad died when he was in his twenties. dh was, and I think still is, devastated

shaniece - sorry if my post came across as a bit defensive, know you didnt mean me, honest!
threatening to leave does sound a bit drastic...but I will keep it in reserve

mwhaha (evil laugh)

Ah. That could have a lot to do with it. Some blokes just assume they'd be crap at all that baby stuff (& isn't that convenient for them...)

Do you have any mates as a couple who include more involved fathers? My friend made rather a point of inviting me, dh & ds round to 'set a good example' to her hands-off dh, because apparently my dh is much more involved than hers.

(heh. She's not seen me have to punch him awake @ 3am when I've already got up to a crying child 4 times in the last hour...)

It could be worth trying. & obviously making a huge fuss of him whenever he DOES do something like dressing dd. Good practice for having toddlers!

The good thing about having the 2nd one that he wants is that you would be able to ask him to pitch in with one child, as you had your hands full with the other

Message withdrawn

Wouldn't count on it, Tickle. My mate with the (lovely bloke but) bloody useless dh did that & he hasn't come out of the shed since...

Definitely combination of short sharp shock (bugger off for the night) & lots of head-patting when he gets something right. Just pretend you're Gordon Ramsay...

hey there - I have only read OP, so apologies for repetition.

I had twins 3 years ago, in the first, oooo, 3 days, he did everything...I literally lost the will to live (PND was later diagnosed), and could not face the boys when they were anything other than asleep! ONe night during screaming fit of one or other of the boys, he thrust (dh) said screamer at me and said "start pulling your farking weight" and dramatically rolled over and "fell asleep". I was mortified, but did as I was told and mucked in.

To cut a long story short, he got more and more distant when I needed help, avoiding the stressful times of the day (although to his credit he was ALWAYS there for bathtime, but hey with twins he really had no choice), and generally being very scarce.

The boys seemed to either stress him out or bore him and like the OP would just not bother arranging to go out alone because I 'thought' it would be more trouble than it was worth. Anyhoo, I'm not entirely sure where the turning point was, it's all a blur of sleepless nights and prozac, BUT I walked out for a few days (with kids) simply because it was me and the boys on one side and him on tuther. We only went to his mums, but it was enough for him to realise that he had been taking the piss.

I came home, we talked, we started to (boring as it may be) split things 50/50 - we both work, so he would get up on a saturday morning with them leaving me in bed, and i would do the same for him on Sunday. As luck would have it, work sent me to a conference in spain for 4 days and it was one of the best things to happen to us. He simply HAD to do it. I left no instructions (I mean i wasn't given any when boys were born, so why should he be done any favours), and do you know what - did he GLOAT when i got home...not sure what was more annoying, him not helping, or him being the best farking dad on the planet!

Anyway, since then, if I am invited anywhere or if I want to do something that doesn;t involve little people, i really do just do it and it's the best tonic to a flagging relationship there is. i am no longer resentful if he's out, because I know i have something planned for another night. He's in Austria as we speak, and in return I am getting a week in Portugal sans kids!

I guess the long and short of my story is, the sooner you chuck him in at the deep end the better - I think the boys must have been two before DH actually started to actively take half the responsibility. Your DH can witter on all he likes about "but you do it better than me" "I don't know what I'm doing" "but you're the mummy, it's your job", but he NEEDS to step up to the mark of being a dad. Not saying leave him at all - my DH is not a talker, so actions worked best for him - if your DH is a talker and a listener try that first obviously!

(NOTE: my dh also gets up in the night, he is the better settler - which he loves tellig me too - so it just makes sense that he's up for 5 mins, rather than me struggling for half an hour and him having to listen to it)