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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

long sorry, but I need to vent about my touchy dh, no replies needed but all are welcome

52 replies

yahboosucks · 02/03/2008 19:50

we have a gorgeous six month old dd

my dh loves her to bits

he has just suggested we start trying for another, to which I suggested that if he could get a bit more involved that would be fine, but until then it doesnt really appeal

and he has promptly gone off on one moaning what he ALWAYS moans on whenever I dare to criticise

"I am a pretty good husband to you you know, its so unfair, you are making me feel really bad" huph humph humph tennagery strop off all passive aggressive as usual, which makes me feel bad

BUT

since she has been born he has done/ not done the following

has changed only 6 nappies and has always required help - the last one of which was in October, which he only managed because he made me shout out detailed instructions even though I was simultaneously barfing down the toilet with food poisoning

actually thinking about that episode, the moment I was dressed and hobbling round the house feeling god awful the baby was handed back to me as he had a "hangover" and he had changed her nappy that morning so he was entitled to a "little" lie down (all afternoon)

has not given her a bottle for the last 3 months

has only ONCE fed her her lunch and only because he had no choice - this is now used as evidence that he is an exemplary father

has never given her a bath

has never dressed her

has never once got up in the night with her, yet still moans that he is SOOO tired and when I have snapped back that I am also tired has done the above "I am a good husband and you don't appreaciate me yah da yah da yah da...its not fair that you are trying to make me feel bad"

when asked to do anything more than hold her does the teenagery humphing "right fine whatever!" like I have just asked him to repaint the farking sistine chapel!

incidentally he will happily hold her, when she is in a good mood and all smiley and HE has decided he wants a cuddle, but of course when I ask him to do it (ie: if she is moaning and needs a bottle making up) it is a massive chore.

this a is a bit long and ranty and probably does not make a lot of sense but I am just so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

pelafina · 02/03/2008 21:16

Message withdrawn

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 02/03/2008 21:17

Get yourself ready for a night out and I mean a night out,stay out all night.As he comes through the door from work hand him dd and say 'Here you go,byyyyyyyyyyeee!!'

Hes taking piss.Get a large pan and hit him on the head.My dh was 36 when we had first child and had never been near a baby or child in his life.He does everything I do (although not as well as me )

They just pretend to be useless...

pelafina · 02/03/2008 21:18

Message withdrawn

Original poster

yahboosucks · 02/03/2008 21:32

pelafina - yeah you would think that would work, but he starts huffing and puffing a la sistine chapel analogy in my first post

the situation is HOPELESS!!!!

but I thank you for all your posts, keep them coming, very useful.

esp. the mnetters who have/ had equally useless husbands. makes me feels so much better.

it is a bit risky but I think if we did have another he would have to pull his finger out, although as I said, it could all go horribly the other way

OP posts:

peasoup · 02/03/2008 23:13

Let him huff and puff. Go in another room where you can't hear his nonsense. Learn to zone it out and ignore the huffing and he'll stop if he doesn't get a reaction or if you don't jump straight in to rescue him.You've got to steal yourself to being strict with him and ignoring his huffing and puffing otherwise you've got a very tough road ahead of you. Even though your first instinct might be to jump in and take over because it's easier than listening to him whine, you have to force yourself to let him get on with it and ignore the whining. Get some headphones!!! It's like a little toddler-if you give in every time they huff and puff and whine then you're giving in to their every demand including demanding chocolate every five seconds, etc. Be strict with him; it is possible to train them. And do not think that he'll step up to the plate voluntarilly if you have another baby-it could backfire badly and you have two tiny babies and no help.

Tortington · 03/03/2008 01:23

moondog summed it up for me

if you carry on being martyr mother supreme - then you will carve a niche for yourself.

shut yer gob with the moaning - its not hard to change a nappy - my kids didn't come with a fucking hand book

bottles are not hard.

you either need to talk to him and tell him thatyou expect a proper conversation aout thse things or shut yer gob and get yer penknife out and start carving.

i understand that there are many typesof people in the world and we all communicate differently.

however i dont understand this

"i think we should have another baby"
"you have made one bottle and change one nappy, never bathed or looked after the baby on your own. you shit a HUMAN LIFE out your arse and then i will sit back whilst you do everything and then suggest we do it again"

"oh your always going on about my parenting"

" yes cos you dont fucking parent you wanker...you turn up and whinge when i am fed up and fucked off becuase you do exactlyFUCK ALL....so shut your mouth about another fucking baby - lets pretend she a goldfish and you are 5.....i will see how you get on with THIS ONE first before gettin another..becuase i will have to look after it ayway."

that kinda covers it - instead of " whinge whinge" from him

and
"ignore continue with martyrdom" from you.

pelafina · 03/03/2008 07:37

Message withdrawn

jabuti · 03/03/2008 08:25

and then when the baby turns into a todler how on earth will he feel connected/want to participate in the family life?

it sounds to me you are setting yourself an even harder life for the future.

moodymammy · 03/03/2008 08:51

cut his bollocks off and tell him he can have them back when he starts acting like a man seriously, go out for a few hours at the weekend and leave him to it. if you get back and he's whining how hard it is and the baby's nappy is on her head, just say well you obviously need a bit more practice so i'll be going out a lot more often from now on!

edam · 03/03/2008 08:52

You need to get firm. Ignore huffing and puffing - treat him like a toddler, give clear instructions 'her nappy needs changing, can you do it' and ignore stroppiness.

Also go OUT on your own so he HAS to cope. Do not let him turn you into a martyr.

And once he's realised that looking after a baby is not 'sitting around all day', have a serious conversation where you are assertive about splitting the workload when you are both around. Your working day doesn't finish at 5 and neither does his. Once he's home you both work as a team.

peasoup · 03/03/2008 15:09

"Her nappy needs changing, WILL you do it?" works better with men than "CAN you do it?" (I read and memorised my "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"

ElenorRigby · 03/03/2008 19:42

We have a 6 month old too...
Just showed this thread to DP, who reckons your DH needs a good kick up the ass.
He may be along later for a few choice words

ALMummy · 03/03/2008 20:13

The good news is that I showed my DH this thread today and he has just changed DD and her smelly nappy without being asked, un-farkin-believable!!!, this is the fourth one in 18 months - so I had you beat hands down OP. He was laughing as he read it but something obviously sank in. Show your DH these responses.

WallOfSilence · 03/03/2008 20:23

He won't do anything?

Jesus, it's your fault though.

You don't make him.

How do you think a toddler knows to tidy his toys? You keep telling him to.... same thing re: nappy changes, feeds etc..

And how come you've been counting every nappy he has/hasn't changed?

yerblurt · 03/03/2008 21:09

my god, this man deserves a kick up the arse and a dose of reality (elanor rigby's fella here btw)

... he's not bathed the baby

... last time he changed her was in october

... bloody hell, I would kick his arse from one end of the street to the other

so he goes out to work, oh boo hoo, so do I but I still manage to pull my weight at home, making dinner, making breakfast, bathing the kid, doing a hell of a lot at the weekend - what's his excuse?

listen, me and the DP have been through more stress and crap thrown at us than many of you would believe in a lifetime (going through the family court system, having a new baby, DP collapsing at work through stress and taking a month off, me being signed off work for 2 weeks with stress, having the CSA involved in our lives now etc etc), yet we manage to do it - because we work together.

Show your DP this thread - from one dad to another - he is being a grade A ar$e and needs to get his finger out and DO MORE. That includes doing the night shift, feeds, changes, the mundane

I'm not that brilliant with young babies, my forte is more on the toddler stage (I have a 5 year old with my ex), but I still do the best I can - you're DP must do his best

WallOfSilence · 03/03/2008 21:12

Lucky Ms Rigby

Actually, my dh does loads more for the kids than I do... I find them a wee bit annoying at times

Original poster

yahboosucks · 03/03/2008 21:36

thankyou for all your posts ladies

and blimey custardo! how flipping angry are you. even I wasnt that bad and I have the god awful husband!

and for the record, just so you don't think I'm any more sad and pathetic as some of you think I am already - I havent counted every nappy, it was a rough guess. artistic licence when writing my post, non?

and I am not a martyr, I just dont like arguing IYSWIM

off to kick ass, bye!

OP posts:

Tickle · 03/03/2008 21:39

Liking custy's goldfish analogy

Good luck Yahboo...

Original poster

yahboosucks · 03/03/2008 21:44

cheers tickle

OP posts:

Shannaratiger · 03/03/2008 21:54

my dp is very similar

peasoup · 03/03/2008 21:58

Can't wait to hear how the arse kicking goes! Enjoy it and keep us posted. We're behind you on this one!!!

pelafina · 04/03/2008 07:43

Message withdrawn

LoveMyGirls · 04/03/2008 08:17

Another vote for what a pathetic arse he is! Plus get yourself a weekend away, your baby will be fine, he will manage have some faith if you want to be kind leave a few instructions but ignore the huffing and bugger off anyway or you could start huffing and puffing back at him every time he says no if it works for him............

Changing a nappy takes 2 mins but when you're the only one doing that quite a chunk out of your day and after a while it's nice to have someone else giving you a break from it, what if you do them all week and he does tham all weekend? It's about compromise he can't possibly expect you to do everything!

lollipopmother · 04/03/2008 10:56

Yahboosucks How did the arse-kicking go?! Did you cave?!

littlewoman · 04/03/2008 11:12

The situation is not HOPELESS. You just don't want to handle it the way you know you should, so you are complaining to MN instead of kicking his arse. I think that's the real deal. He won't leave you if you dare to be strong, but if you let this continue you will grow to really resent him and that will be horribly damaging for your relationship.

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