Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Online Dating: Is this 'normal' or am I over-reacting?

75 replies

musiclove · 03/09/2023 23:33

Hi everyone - I've (32F) recently started dating a guy (35M) I met on Hinge - I was previously in a 10 year relationship, so this is my first dating experience in a long time, so I'm not sure if this new guy's behaviour is normal and I'm reading too much into things, or if it early sign of possessiveness/ jealousy/ unacceptable behaviour.

So this is a summary of events so far:

  • Matched on Hinge in mid-June
  • Went on a date four days later
  • On first date he kept saying how it felt like we'd always known each other, was super keen, went in for a massive snog after only 2 hours with each other, but it felt nice so everything seemingly fine
  • Continued to text back and fourth
  • Went on a couple of more dates
  • On the third date he asked me if I was a jealous person, I said no and asked him if he was, he said he had been a little in the past when he was much younger, but not any more (hmmm?)
  • On the fourth date, things went to the bedroom - things were progressing towards sex and he went to go inside me without a condom on - I firmly said 'woaaah, what are you doing?' and he apologised profusely and got a condom.. went to have sex again, again no condom initially and said it's because he trusts me (what is that? why would you have sex without a condom because you trust someone, what does that equate to? he doesn't think I'm 'sleeping around'?!)
  • After the condom incident, we went on another dinner date and the topic of children etc. came up and he mentioned if he got me pregnant it wouldn't be such a big deal, because you know he's 35 now... I was like.. okk but where is my say in this said pregnancy?!
  • We continued to date through July, I was working at a festival and he kept asking how many guys were chatting me up etc. - in a lighthearted way, but he said that was where his jealousy was previously - an ex-gf working in a bar.
  • And then we both went away on trips for all of August. I mentioned I was going away to disconnect so don't be surprised if I don't message every day/ have much contact as I'll be busy and with different friends the whole time
  • He has messaged me every single day away on my trip - asking what I'm doing, what's the plan, where am I, who I'm with now, what I'm having for dinner etc. etc.
  • It's making me feel very uncomfortable, as I don't want to have to give a running commentary of my day every day to someone I've only known for 2.5 months
  • When I only message very briefly or not back, he asks if everything is ok
  • The conversations over text are also excruciatingly boring, as we haven't seen each other for over a month and haven't known each other long at all.

We're both back now, and he wants to meet up on Tuesday - I don't know whether or not I should just tell him I don't feel the same way anymore/not continue things, or meet up on Tuesday to see if it's just me disconnecting having not seen him for so long.

I'm guessing if I genuinely liked this guy/ saw a future, I'd be super excited/keen to see him again, but something feels off and I'm not sure if the things listed above are causes for genuine concern, or me reading into things because I was in such a long relationship previously and used to different behaviour with my ex.

Thank you for reading so far, and apologies for the incessant listing!!

OP posts:
SophiaElizabethGrace · 03/09/2023 23:45

Don't meet him. There are so many reasons why you need to walk away. The condom thing would be my primary reason for never, ever meeting him again.

He's controlling, jealous, you don't seem to have that much in common and he doesn't listen to you or respect your boundaries.

He is not the right guy for you.

NudeLouboutins · 03/09/2023 23:45

It doesn’t sound like you like him very much. If you were keen you’d probably miss him on your holiday and want to tell him things that happened.

The line that really got me was about the texting being excruciatingly boring. You don’t know each other well, so that finding stuff out about one another should be really exciting, no?

My DH and I know each other for many years. Yet we are apart sometimes and text every night for hours, and tell each other random stories of something that happened years ago. When we first started texting, at least for 6 months, nothing was more interesting than texting each other and finding stuff out.

You sound quite independent which is no bad thing. He does sound a bit OTT compared to you. But the daily texts aren’t necessarily snooping and checking on you, could just be just him taking an interest in your life.

But sounds like you’re in different places and like this relationship isn’t something you really want. By all means though, why not meet up Tuesday and verify.

Theforeverhome · 03/09/2023 23:46

If there are things that make you feel uncomfortable, end it. Your gut is telling you things for a reason.

booksandbeans · 03/09/2023 23:53

he comes across as a clingy man child (who still has a lot of growing up to do) who could easily grow into an abusive control freak. The pregnancy thing, men talking to you/jealousy issues, constant need for texts etc. The early signs are there. Break this off early now before it gets too far down the line.

Bingus · 03/09/2023 23:55

I think the fact that he has repeatedly pushed against your boundaries is not a good sign.

Original poster
musiclove · 04/09/2023 00:02

@NudeLouboutins the texting at the beginning was really nice, sharing things, finding out about each other, but since we've been away it's literally just a rundown of daily events or regular things happening in life - we spoke over the phone once, and I tried to initiate a deeper conversation - I like discussing and delving into abstract topics (something we haven't done yet), but the conversation swiftly went to discussing his job for 30mins.. the phone call lasted 40mins in total.

I remember when I first started dating my ex we'd be on the phone for hours, discussing everything and anything, but we'd known each other for some time before dating, so I'm just not sure if the conversations with this new guy are a little dull because we don't know each other well enough yet, or it is because he is just a little dull - I've never started a romantic relationship with someone I hadn't previously known at all, so it's all quite new territory for me!

OP posts:
Original poster
musiclove · 04/09/2023 00:06

@SophiaElizabethGrace yes, this situation felt very strange - I wasn't quite sure what he meant by trusting me - what does that have anything to do with having safe sex? With my ex, we didn't have unprotected sex until we both had STI checks and I went on contraception - the first time this new guy went to have sex without a condom I told him I wasn't on contraception, and he proceeded to ignore that and try again with no condom - also saying how he had used the pull-out method in the past and it 'always worked' - WTF!!

OP posts:
ShinyBandana · 04/09/2023 00:09

You’re not all that into him 😌

Pallisers · 04/09/2023 00:18

The condom thing early on would have been enough for me to say no thanks.
He has no respect for your boundaries. He is looking for condomless sex without any worry of the consequences for you. He expects that women take care of contraception.

What on earth do you see in him?

go on your way without him.

huggyhoo · 04/09/2023 00:18

The sex thing is awful and you don't sound into him. I wouldn't bother pursuing it with him. Move on and find someone who excites and interests you.

Zoomie1 · 04/09/2023 00:18

That he is dull is not the main issue here. He is jealous and controlling. This is the main issue. Don't get involved with this man he's showing you some worrying traits.

Pinkpots · 04/09/2023 00:25

You should have got rid of him after the condom incident pushing your boundaries like that is one step from stealthing, would he try that next time if you gave him another chance?

EBearhug · 04/09/2023 00:45

IME, no man on OLD will take the initiative with putting one condom, but most agree to it with a bit of grumbling. This one is really pushing or boundaries with it, and doesn't seem too bothered at the thought of you carrying his child, without any discussion about what you might want, and only a couple of months in?

Get rid. Being single is better than someone pushing your boundaries and being jealous all the time.

Original poster
musiclove · 04/09/2023 00:49

@EBearhug yes, the pregnancy comment felt very worrying - we hadn't discussed timelines of wanting children at all, but he was very nonchalant about the possibility of an accidental pregnancy; his flatmate also recently moved out and I'm looking for a new flat, and he casually mentioned us living together, in a lighthearted way, but I quickly joked back and changed the subject... seems very full on to even be lightheartedly saying things like that.

OP posts:
Grendell · 04/09/2023 00:50

Bin him. Prepare to be stalked, hopefully only briefly.

Original poster
musiclove · 04/09/2023 00:51

@Pinkpots I hadn't heard of the term stealthing before - I've just looked it up and it's very worrying - thank you for sharing, so I can be more aware moving forward.

OP posts:
Midl · 04/09/2023 01:07

Get out of there while you can and are not pregnant with his baby - because if he gets his way, you could well be!

For a man of his age, he sounds very insecure and you do not want to have a life partner like this. Above most things, you bf needs to be grounded, honest and have self-esteem. Your date sounds anything but hinged, so I would just bite the bullet, text him, and say you don't want to date him anymore and wish him well. Don't give him any reason/s why as you'll only give him something to respond to or comment on.

SOS2023 · 04/09/2023 01:10

SophiaElizabethGrace · 03/09/2023 23:45

Don't meet him. There are so many reasons why you need to walk away. The condom thing would be my primary reason for never, ever meeting him again.

He's controlling, jealous, you don't seem to have that much in common and he doesn't listen to you or respect your boundaries.

He is not the right guy for you.

this
but I can also relate to the excruciatingly boring texts. I'm busy, I don't want to keep someone updated all day, even if I love them to bits.

Original poster
musiclove · 04/09/2023 01:20

@Midl I was thinking of calling him to tell him things aren't working out and explaining how I felt - I hate adding to the shitiness of online dating and ending things via text message, but I might be leaving myself open to him trying to explain himself/persuading me otherwise or whatnot, so perhaps a message would be more appropriate

OP posts:
Original poster
musiclove · 04/09/2023 01:23

@SOS2023 yess, especially when away on a trip - I hate that I replied and let it occupy space in my mind at the time, I should have told him the second it started to feel overwhelming

OP posts:
tempuseradsm · 04/09/2023 01:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AntiHop · 04/09/2023 01:57

It's clear you're not interested. Let him know as move on. He sounds annoying

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2023 02:01

It's shocking that you didn't kick him out over the condom incident, and absolutely baffling that you're still communicating with him. Raise the bar, FGS. This man has had red flags waving from the very start.

Original poster
musiclove · 04/09/2023 02:14

@Aquamarine1029 I definitely need to be more vigilant, and am learning from the process - having been in a LTR and not had any experience with online dating, I definitely went in a little naive and need to look out for and take action on early warning signs.

He's also uncomfortably into PDA - something I wasn't used to in my last relationship - at first, I thought it was endearing and a sign of being into me, but the more I think about it, the more it seems to be dominating and possessive, rather than cute and caring, as he started doing it from the first date.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2023 02:24

Why are you even going to talk to him again? It makes no sense whatsoever.

Swipe left for the next trending thread