Online Dating: Is this 'normal' or am I over-reacting?

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Hi everyone - I've (32F) recently started dating a guy (35M) I met on Hinge - I was previously in a 10 year relationship, so this is my first dating experience in a long time, so I'm not sure if this new guy's behaviour is normal and I'm reading too much into things, or if it early sign of possessiveness/ jealousy/ unacceptable behaviour.

So this is a summary of events so far:

• Matched on Hinge in mid-June
• Went on a date four days later
• On first date he kept saying how it felt like we'd always known each other, was super keen, went in for a massive snog after only 2 hours with each other, but it felt nice so everything seemingly fine
• Continued to text back and fourth
• Went on a couple of more dates
• On the third date he asked me if I was a jealous person, I said no and asked him if he was, he said he had been a little in the past when he was much younger, but not any more (hmmm?)
• On the fourth date, things went to the bedroom - things were progressing towards sex and he went to go inside me without a condom on - I firmly said 'woaaah, what are you doing?' and he apologised profusely and got a condom.. went to have sex again, again no condom initially and said it's because he trusts me (what is that? why would you have sex without a condom because you trust someone, what does that equate to? he doesn't think I'm 'sleeping around'?!)
• After the condom incident, we went on another dinner date and the topic of children etc. came up and he mentioned if he got me pregnant it wouldn't be such a big deal, because you know he's 35 now... I was like.. okk but where is my say in this said pregnancy?!
• We continued to date through July, I was working at a festival and he kept asking how many guys were chatting me up etc. - in a lighthearted way, but he said that was where his jealousy was previously - an ex-gf working in a bar.
• And then we both went away on trips for all of August. I mentioned I was going away to disconnect so don't be surprised if I don't message every day/ have much contact as I'll be busy and with different friends the whole time
• He has messaged me every single day away on my trip - asking what I'm doing, what's the plan, where am I, who I'm with now, what I'm having for dinner etc. etc.
• It's making me feel very uncomfortable, as I don't want to have to give a running commentary of my day every day to someone I've only known for 2.5 months
• When I only message very briefly or not back, he asks if everything is ok
• The conversations over text are also excruciatingly boring, as we haven't seen each other for over a month and haven't known each other long at all.

We're both back now, and he wants to meet up on Tuesday - I don't know whether or not I should just tell him I don't feel the same way anymore/not continue things, or meet up on Tuesday to see if it's just me disconnecting having not seen him for so long.

I'm guessing if I genuinely liked this guy/ saw a future, I'd be super excited/keen to see him again, but something feels off and I'm not sure if the things listed above are causes for genuine concern, or me reading into things because I was in such a long relationship previously and used to different behaviour with my ex.

Thank you for reading so far, and apologies for the incessant listing!!

Yup. The condom thing. Not cool at all.

Oh godddd:

My reply:

"I think the word 'right' is a little strong, but yes we can have a chat but it's how I've already explained, there's not so much else to say to be honest, my head really isn't in a place to let someone else new in and going away really opened my eyes to that - I don't want to be unfair and continue giving you the wrong impression - I know it's super direct, but I have to be honest"

His reply:

"I understand and I’ve no reasons to make you change your mind.
I’m just not used to cut human relationships (with friends or girlfriends) by text and I guess, even for the short time we know each others, would be nice to talk about this topic by voice. I call you when I’m home."

Seriously, I know it's really shitty to end things with someone over a text message and it must feel horrible, but surely if someone has chosen to do that it means they don't feel comfortable talking on the phone - makes me see even MORE that he has no respect for boundaries - we knew each other for 2 months.

Just block him, he's sounding weirder by the minute.

He's trying to control your break up too.

@WhineWhineWhineWINE right? Like it didn't happen in the way he wanted it to, so he's trying put his own stamp on it - super weird and making me feel very uncomfortable.. what could we possibly say over the phone? I don't want to get into the nitty gritty of all my reasons with him in fear it will leave me open to him defending his behaviour. Why would he want to talk over the phone, if not to try and convince me/control the situation/ justify his behaviour?

It would put me right off. All of it. He sounds needy, like he needs you with him all of the time. He is telling you who he is by not respecting what you are saying, aka, the holiday away where he was texting non stop to check on you. He also told you he was jealous in his last relationship, and that isnt going to go away with you. He sounds really insecure.

Exactly. Just reply and tell him he's making you feel uncomfortable now and there's nothing more to say so you will be blocking him and want no further contact. Or just block him, you really don't owe him anything - his ego is just at play here, he wants the last word.

Just seen your last post OP and he sounds unhinged. Wanting to meet up with you to discuss things because he is not happy with how you left it in a message, thats so manipulative, say no and honestly you own him nothing. Nada, nothing

Thing is, it's better not to do the 'it's not you it's me, I'm not in the right space' thing as it leaves the other person open to thinking they can change your mind, whether in good faith or not.

Better just to tell them it's been nice getting to know them but it's not a long term match for you. Doesn't need to be personal or mean, but it is clear that you don't want to be with them rather than you've changed your mind about dating. It's much easier to enforce it and end the conversation that way.

When it comes to OLD, unless you're lucky and hopefully meet your prince charming next time, it is useful to work out the most comfortable, tactful and clean way to end things that are not working for you.

This bloke is nuts. You've not seen each other in ages, it's all been by text, and he is now dictating how you end things. I'd put a stop to this rather than getting dragged into a phone call where he will inevitably try and control things and may get unpleasant. You could try 'I'm actually going to leave this here. We dated briefly and haven't spoken on the phone/ seen each other in weeks. This conversation is making me uncomfortable. I will end things as I choose and we have only dated briefly so I am satisfied with doing so by text. I wish you well but am not looking to discuss further'.

Don't be guilted. He's happy to not use condoms against your will. He's hardly Mr Manners because he expresses a wish to break up by phone.

@GLORIAGloriarse that's really solid advice - thank you! I really don't want a phone call where he starts belittling how I feel or explaining things away - I think I'll literally copy and paste your suggested message and let that be the end of it.

I especially don't like that he said 'I'll call you when I'm ready' rather than asking when suits you. He's so entitled.

Fire off a message and cut contact. I would be wondering how many others has been in my position before me.

Final update (hopefully!) We had a brief phone call where I basically re-iterated what was said in the text - he asked if I had been faking it all this time, that he had real feelings - to which I replied 'no, not faking it is why I'm saying this to you now', he then asked if I'd contacted my ex recently - to which I replied, 'that has nothing to do with this situation, and frankly I don't see any need to answer that' - (I haven't contacted my ex, but that's none of his business).

He also asked if he had done anything wrong specifically and wanted details, I said no (because I simply didn't want the confrontation) and he said his last girlfriend ended things after a year, simply saying her feelings had changed and gave no reasons - so he's been in this position before.

So it ended with him wishing me the best and thanking me for speaking to him, so hopefully that's the end of that chapter and he buggers off now.

I would have dumped him immediately after the condom incident - or actually during it. He was taking your right to consent away from you - there's a word for that.

I really hope you've learned something from this experience, because if you haven't, you are extremely vulnerable to abusive men, and they can sniff you out a mile off. You should have dumped him immediately over the condom incident. No discussion, no compromise. What he did is actually a crime, FFS. You have got to make sure your standards are far, far higher than they currently are before you start dating again.

@Aquamarine1029 absolutely I will - I feel extremely naive after the whole incident - having only ever had one 10-year long relationship, I just didn't know how to navigate things and stand up more firmly for myself - as soon as I get the slightest instinct that something is wrong, I'm out - also, making sure I speak with friends as soon as something strange happens, I have a habit of not wanting to share negative things about people so they're not viewed in a negative light - which is absolutely bonkers, I need to share these things to protect myself - I'm so relieved I came here, and have learned a HUGE lesson going forward.

Who cares what trusting you meant. It’s not like you’re going to figure it out and that’s going to make okay the fact that he tried to sneak raw dog you TWICE. Seriously fuck this guy. I’m sick that you ever went out with him again after that. Absolutely unacceptable.

And for the love of god, I don’t know what reason if any you gave when you told him it was over, but I HOPE you told him it was because of this horrendous condom incident. Call. Him. Out. When. He. Violates. You. Don’t let that shit go unsaid! After you’ve ended it: You do not have to respond to any of his texts. You do not have to get on the phone with him. You can block his number and never speak to him again if that’s what you want to do. Do not be nice because you think you have to be nice. I’m so glad you’ve learned from this OP.

“He also asked if he had done anything wrong specifically and wanted details, I said no (because I simply didn't want the confrontation)”

OMG, I can’t, I just can’t. Jesus Christ almighty.

I would make sure he is blocked on the dating app and all message apps etc.

He sounds like he love bombed you then tried to control you. All the jealous talk is controlling behaviour. He probably wanted you to get pregnant and move in to have complete control of you. I think you made a lucky escape!

I know, and it makes me so angry that the only consequence of unprotected sex he was remotely bothered about was an unplanned pregnancy.

I think the 'trusting' part was because he knew he was the first person I had slept after leaving my LTR - but for all he knows, I could have been bullshitting - we barely knew each other.

If he was that ok with trying to have sex without a condom with me after barely knowing me, god only knows who else he had tried/ done it with - makes me feel really sick the more I think about it.

Get rid ...
Listen to your gut instinct it's never wrong

UGH. He’s disgusting. I am glad you got free of him without seeing him again, because the “it’s my right” stuff is scary.
men who want to move things along that quickly and talk about pregnancy do not respect women. They are looking for a possession, not a human being.

so glad you listened to your instincts - this could have become VERY bad.

happy for you, OP!

@Newnamehiwhodis thank you! I'm sickened I was there for almost 3 months (although hadn't seen each other since end of July as we've both been away since then), but relieved I realised sooner than his last gf over a year..!

He's fucking terrifying op.

There's a gazillion red flags there.