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Original poster

Online Dating: Is this 'normal' or am I over-reacting?

75 replies

musiclove · 03/09/2023 23:33

Hi everyone - I've (32F) recently started dating a guy (35M) I met on Hinge - I was previously in a 10 year relationship, so this is my first dating experience in a long time, so I'm not sure if this new guy's behaviour is normal and I'm reading too much into things, or if it early sign of possessiveness/ jealousy/ unacceptable behaviour.

So this is a summary of events so far:

  • Matched on Hinge in mid-June
  • Went on a date four days later
  • On first date he kept saying how it felt like we'd always known each other, was super keen, went in for a massive snog after only 2 hours with each other, but it felt nice so everything seemingly fine
  • Continued to text back and fourth
  • Went on a couple of more dates
  • On the third date he asked me if I was a jealous person, I said no and asked him if he was, he said he had been a little in the past when he was much younger, but not any more (hmmm?)
  • On the fourth date, things went to the bedroom - things were progressing towards sex and he went to go inside me without a condom on - I firmly said 'woaaah, what are you doing?' and he apologised profusely and got a condom.. went to have sex again, again no condom initially and said it's because he trusts me (what is that? why would you have sex without a condom because you trust someone, what does that equate to? he doesn't think I'm 'sleeping around'?!)
  • After the condom incident, we went on another dinner date and the topic of children etc. came up and he mentioned if he got me pregnant it wouldn't be such a big deal, because you know he's 35 now... I was like.. okk but where is my say in this said pregnancy?!
  • We continued to date through July, I was working at a festival and he kept asking how many guys were chatting me up etc. - in a lighthearted way, but he said that was where his jealousy was previously - an ex-gf working in a bar.
  • And then we both went away on trips for all of August. I mentioned I was going away to disconnect so don't be surprised if I don't message every day/ have much contact as I'll be busy and with different friends the whole time
  • He has messaged me every single day away on my trip - asking what I'm doing, what's the plan, where am I, who I'm with now, what I'm having for dinner etc. etc.
  • It's making me feel very uncomfortable, as I don't want to have to give a running commentary of my day every day to someone I've only known for 2.5 months
  • When I only message very briefly or not back, he asks if everything is ok
  • The conversations over text are also excruciatingly boring, as we haven't seen each other for over a month and haven't known each other long at all.

We're both back now, and he wants to meet up on Tuesday - I don't know whether or not I should just tell him I don't feel the same way anymore/not continue things, or meet up on Tuesday to see if it's just me disconnecting having not seen him for so long.

I'm guessing if I genuinely liked this guy/ saw a future, I'd be super excited/keen to see him again, but something feels off and I'm not sure if the things listed above are causes for genuine concern, or me reading into things because I was in such a long relationship previously and used to different behaviour with my ex.

Thank you for reading so far, and apologies for the incessant listing!!

OP posts:
tempuseradsm · 04/09/2023 02:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Lavender14 · 04/09/2023 02:49

Sorry- you asked him to wear a condom and he tried to sneakily go ahead and pop it in without wearing one? That's sexual assault and a massive red flag. I'd run from that one like you're on fire.

mynxy · 04/09/2023 05:47

Agree with everyone else, dump him asap.

He's lovebombed you and is trying to trap you. He's controlling and jealous and it will only get worse - and as PP said, be prepared to be stalked.

Original poster
musiclove · 04/09/2023 10:03

Thank you for the replies everyone - I've realised that I need to trust my intuition and act on things much sooner in the game of dating - I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt far too much, but by doing so excuse extremely worrying behaviour - I'm relieved to know I wasn't overreacting and will certainly feel more confident in myself moving forward and know what signs to look out for.

Ah, what an introduction to OLD..!

A brief 'this isn't working for me' message is being sent, and praying I won't be stalked afterwards.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 04/09/2023 10:51

Definitely the right decision to not proceed. Sounds like this guy will become jealous. Conversation might be boring as not much to say but early day you’d hope you’d still be wanting him to text rather than it becoming a burden.

NoWayNarc · 04/09/2023 10:53

Didn’t even get 1/3 of the way through your list and every nerve in my body was like, NOPE.

GLORIAGloriarse · 04/09/2023 11:20

This would be a definite no for me. Messing about with condoms, he's jealous, boring, doesn't seem that bright or switched on. Polite thanks but no thanks and jobs a good un.

Seaoftroubles · 04/09/2023 11:47

So many indications that he's not right for you. No need to meet up and subject yourself to him trying to persuade you to continue the relationship. A brief, polite message will be fine, but prepare for some recriminations.

mosiacmaker · 04/09/2023 11:56

The red flags etc are irrelevant in my mind, his dull conversation BORES you! That’s all you need to know!

The honeymoon period may fade over time but you have to have sparkling conversation that makes you laugh/think in the beginning at least!

The beauty of online dating is that the world is your oyster and you get to try out lots of different types of guys to find the perfect one. If it’s not a HELL YES it’s a NO, in the dating world. And that’s ok.

Extract yourself now before it becomes more difficult.

ohsuzannah · 04/09/2023 12:02

I hope he doesn't know where you live?

SnackQueen · 04/09/2023 12:06

Why are you wasting so much time with someone who you clearly aren't that into? Are you trying to convince yourself that you like him? Are you waiting around in case your feelings start to change? Move on and find someone you actually like. Also, he sounds like a fucking tool.

Rec0veringAcademic · 04/09/2023 12:28

Red flags galore. Do not meet him again, he is controlling, jealous, insecure, selfish (the condom thing plus his comments about kids - had one of these. He was looking for a womban as a MN pp pointed out at the time.)

Dump, block, move on.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/09/2023 12:37

NoWayNarc · 04/09/2023 10:53

Didn’t even get 1/3 of the way through your list and every nerve in my body was like, NOPE.

Got as far as On first date he kept saying how it felt like we'd always known each other, was super keen, went in for a massive snog after only 2 hours with each other and started saying nope nope nope nope.

Lulubo1 · 04/09/2023 12:42

Big no from me. He sounds like he could become very very controlling (and a bit high school behaviour with the jealousy and constant need to for contact and PDA). I hope it all goes well and he stays away after you send the text.

Cowlover89 · 04/09/2023 12:50

You're well rid. Sounds like a nob

readingmynightaway · 04/09/2023 12:56

Be straight up and tell him you are no longer interested.
Contuine dating until you find the spark not the damaged weirdos.

verdantverdure · 04/09/2023 13:03

Lavender14 · 04/09/2023 02:49

Sorry- you asked him to wear a condom and he tried to sneakily go ahead and pop it in without wearing one? That's sexual assault and a massive red flag. I'd run from that one like you're on fire.

Yes, that's what I was thinking. I can't remember what it's called.

Mandyintheskywithdiamonds · 04/09/2023 13:06

Lavender14 · 04/09/2023 02:49

Sorry- you asked him to wear a condom and he tried to sneakily go ahead and pop it in without wearing one? That's sexual assault and a massive red flag. I'd run from that one like you're on fire.

This x 100 ^

Optimisticparent · 04/09/2023 13:19

The attitude to sex and not respecting your wishes would be a definite no for me. Texting continuously to find out what you are doing and who you are with would also be a deal breaker for me- likely to become a dangerously controlling person. Hope you can extricate yourself without too much hassle from him.

Original poster
musiclove · 04/09/2023 15:08

Update: sent the message, explained my feelings and I was extremely direct and clear about things, that I don't see a future etc. This is his reply:

"Hey this message leaves me a bit shocked in some way. I noticed something “different” over the last few days but didn't imagine all of this. I prefer to have this chat by voice. After all we had and how intense it has been, I guess it's my right. Can I call you after work?"

His "right"?!?!

OP posts:
WhineWhineWhineWINE · 04/09/2023 15:13

Ugh no, that's an odd way to phrase it and would make me instantly uncomfortable.

Exisonfire · 04/09/2023 15:15

He’s a prick. Definitely the correct decision to get rid, he needs to pipe down about his “rights”!

Lulubo1 · 04/09/2023 15:20

You made things clear in your text to him. He doesn't have any "right" to demand any more of YOUR time.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 04/09/2023 15:21

URGH.

Sorry OP. He's a total jerk. Rights indeed 😂

weemouse · 04/09/2023 15:38

"My right"

Tells you everything you need to know.

Run.For.The.Hills.

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