Anyone ended relationship with a depressed partner?

Jaded2023 · 2023-09-02T21:59:57+00:00

Hi - so my partner has been suffering with major depression for over a year now - on meds reg Therapy but he seems if anything to be getting worse . my own mh is now starting to be affected and I feel I am at my own limit in terms of resilience. has anyone any words of wisdom - I want to help him but I feel at risk of going down too! thanks for reading x

retinolalcohol · 02/09/2023 23:51

I was in a similar situation at 24. His feelings were so all encompassing that there wasn't any room for mine. No room for any of my needs. My mum was diagnosed with cancer and he refused to come be with me because he was having a 'bad day' and didn't want to get out of bed.
It was the saddest, loneliest time of my life. He didn't mean to and I felt bad for him (and do still sometimes) but he absolutely dragged me down with him.

Leaving felt like someone had been sitting on my chest for three years, and they'd suddenly got up - I was so much lighter I basically skipped out of there.

My advice is, unless you have kids, leave. It's already impacting your mental health. You can't save him, but you can save yourself

retinolalcohol · 03/09/2023 00:01

I'll also add that depression (not the person themselves) is a very selfish illness. It will make a person go into survival mode, only thinking of themselves and how to get through the day. My ex used to say that he didn't have the capacity to do anything other than that.

I went to parties alone, shopping alone, holidays alone - because he couldn't have enthusiasm for these things. I went to medical appointments alone, my grandfathers funeral alone, because he didn't have the capacity to support me. It only got worse and worse over time. I became his emotional support human and little else.

My point being, a person in the grips of what is a horrific illness often does not have the capacity to be a good partner. He needs to recover before trying to be in a relationship

RuffledKestrel · 03/09/2023 00:02

Compassionate me would say it depends on if he is actively doing things that bring down your mental health - putting you down, emotional abuse, you can do nothing right etc.
Or if it's just being around him when depressed is effecting you - it's hard being around someone who never sees the good in life.

Realistic me says give him a warning with a time frame that you are now struggling and if things don't improve in x weeks then that's the relationship over.
I wish I had left mine earlier (years earlier) than I did. Even though I told him his downers were really effecting me, he done nothing to help me, even in his good mood days.

Original poster

Jaded2023 · 03/09/2023 00:08

@retinolalcohol wow that totally utterly resonated . I’m so sorry you went through that . And so glad you saved yourself.

we had an amazing relationship and I have been holding onto that as i
love him very much and was very in love with him .

but i am - as you were - his emotional support person .

im also very worried he will end up not wanting to live, if i
walk
away (I work in field of mh also which makes me hyper aware of what can happen in these circs)

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Original poster

Jaded2023 · 03/09/2023 00:18

RuffledKestrel · 03/09/2023 00:02

Compassionate me would say it depends on if he is actively doing things that bring down your mental health - putting you down, emotional abuse, you can do nothing right etc.
Or if it's just being around him when depressed is effecting you - it's hard being around someone who never sees the good in life.

Realistic me says give him a warning with a time frame that you are now struggling and if things don't improve in x weeks then that's the relationship over.
I wish I had left mine earlier (years earlier) than I did. Even though I told him his downers were really effecting me, he done nothing to help me, even in his good mood days.

He is trying hard and is never mean to me m
its Just so wearing

i feelso sorry for him though

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Keepitweird · 03/09/2023 00:23

Ultimately you can only be responsible for you. I've been the other side of that relationship and the one with depressions and suicidal ideation - I've some serious scars to go with it too. One of my deepest regrets is the depths I took my then partner to.

He is not your responsibility no matter how it may feel to you, you need to do what is best for you.

Original poster

Jaded2023 · 03/09/2023 00:36

Keepitweird · 03/09/2023 00:23

Ultimately you can only be responsible for you. I've been the other side of that relationship and the one with depressions and suicidal ideation - I've some serious scars to go with it too. One of my deepest regrets is the depths I took my then partner to.

He is not your responsibility no matter how it may feel to you, you need to do what is best for you.

thanks for posting this

do you wish your partner had put themself forst, with hindsight ? Xx

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aurynne · 03/09/2023 00:42

Me. As a result of that miserable relationship I decided I would never, ever date anyone who was going through depression or had a serious risk of relapsing after recovering from depression.

It was one of the darkest, most unpleasant relationships of my entire life, to the point that by the time I left I literally did not mind whether he did or did not kill himself, as he threatened myriads of times. I just wanted out and to never hear, see or think of him again.

Original poster

Jaded2023 · 03/09/2023 00:46

aurynne · 03/09/2023 00:42

Me. As a result of that miserable relationship I decided I would never, ever date anyone who was going through depression or had a serious risk of relapsing after recovering from depression.

It was one of the darkest, most unpleasant relationships of my entire life, to the point that by the time I left I literally did not mind whether he did or did not kill himself, as he threatened myriads of times. I just wanted out and to never hear, see or think of him again.

Edited

Oh gosh. Totally get it ! Poor you @aurynne

I keep hoping he restores
to how he was before this but am losing hope that’s going to happen as more
time passes (

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aurynne · 03/09/2023 00:56

I also was hoping he would go "back" to the person he was sometimes, until I realised the person I was living with WAS actually the real person.

Original poster

Jaded2023 · 03/09/2023 07:21

aurynne · 03/09/2023 00:56

I also was hoping he would go "back" to the person he was sometimes, until I realised the person I was living with WAS actually the real person.

Ah yes this now is what I am starting to think.

Can I ask how long you were together before the depression started ? Xx

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aurynne · 03/09/2023 07:29

3 months, during which he behaved as the most fun, adventurous, loving man. The change once he "got me" was radical.

Original poster

Jaded2023 · 03/09/2023 07:47

aurynne · 03/09/2023 07:29

3 months, during which he behaved as the most fun, adventurous, loving man. The change once he "got me" was radical.

gosh then how long did you carry on for ?

we had a happy / good 5 years other than some pockets of weird behaviour / warning signs I can now see - so am very confused

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Helloits2023 · 03/09/2023 08:10

I had a similar situation with my last boyfriend before I met DH. I knew he had depression and took antidepressants when we met, but for the first six-nine months the symptoms weren’t really apparent and it didn’t seem to impact him.

What I couldn’t deal with when the depression came to the forefront was that it only seemed to affect his relationship with me. He went to work just fine and performed well, he had the motivation to plan fun things with his friends and to make time to develop new friendships. But apparently I was the one person he couldn’t put on a brave face for. He didn’t want to leave his house to see me, wouldn’t make plans, wouldn’t communicate, I felt like I was his last priority. I couldn’t handle feeling that way and we broke up after maybe four months of the depression being worse. I’ve been depressed myself and I could feel myself getting worse. I felt very unkind at the time but it was definitely the right decision, and I think it also pushed him into getting some proper help, and he seems to be in a happy relationship now too.

Original poster

Jaded2023 · 03/09/2023 08:47

Helloits2023 · 03/09/2023 08:10

I had a similar situation with my last boyfriend before I met DH. I knew he had depression and took antidepressants when we met, but for the first six-nine months the symptoms weren’t really apparent and it didn’t seem to impact him.

What I couldn’t deal with when the depression came to the forefront was that it only seemed to affect his relationship with me. He went to work just fine and performed well, he had the motivation to plan fun things with his friends and to make time to develop new friendships. But apparently I was the one person he couldn’t put on a brave face for. He didn’t want to leave his house to see me, wouldn’t make plans, wouldn’t communicate, I felt like I was his last priority. I couldn’t handle feeling that way and we broke up after maybe four months of the depression being worse. I’ve been depressed myself and I could feel myself getting worse. I felt very unkind at the time but it was definitely the right decision, and I think it also pushed him into getting some proper help, and he seems to be in a happy relationship now too.

Oh wow ! Yes it’s like you become the person who has no needs, then it feels like you’re enabling it kind of ? X

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Original poster

Jaded2023 · 03/09/2023 12:05

Keepitweird · 03/09/2023 00:23

Ultimately you can only be responsible for you. I've been the other side of that relationship and the one with depressions and suicidal ideation - I've some serious scars to go with it too. One of my deepest regrets is the depths I took my then partner to.

He is not your responsibility no matter how it may feel to you, you need to do what is best for you.

Thanks for posting this x

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Bewildbefree · 03/09/2023 12:17

Yes I’ve been there. As much as you want to help them. They will only make change if they want to help themselves.

retinolalcohol · 03/09/2023 14:33

Honestly I felt the same - I was so so worried about what would happen if I left.

Luckily in my case it seemed to be the shock, rock bottom moment he needed. It was like me being there to lean on constantly was enabling him to just keep refusing to tackle it head on. Like his head was in the sand and me leaving was the catalyst for him waking up. I think maybe it also helped him not having me to consider - I wasn't constantly around piling on the pressure by expecting him to be present for me.

He was much better within about a year, and I'm not convinced that would've happened had I stayed. Letting him go was the most loving thing I could've done for him. He hated me at the time but now we're on decent terms, and even he backs my decision.

OP there's a chance the above might be the case. But even if not, it's still not your responsibility to consider. Your own mental health is your first priority - everything else is secondary x

Original poster

Jaded2023 · 03/09/2023 15:55

retinolalcohol · 03/09/2023 14:33

Honestly I felt the same - I was so so worried about what would happen if I left.

Luckily in my case it seemed to be the shock, rock bottom moment he needed. It was like me being there to lean on constantly was enabling him to just keep refusing to tackle it head on. Like his head was in the sand and me leaving was the catalyst for him waking up. I think maybe it also helped him not having me to consider - I wasn't constantly around piling on the pressure by expecting him to be present for me.

He was much better within about a year, and I'm not convinced that would've happened had I stayed. Letting him go was the most loving thing I could've done for him. He hated me at the time but now we're on decent terms, and even he backs my decision.

OP there's a chance the above might be the case. But even if not, it's still not your responsibility to consider. Your own mental health is your first priority - everything else is secondary x

I really want him to wake up IN our relationship. I don’t want to lose what we had, if there is. Chance it would come back. But am running out of hope really now (

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retinolalcohol · 03/09/2023 16:08

Yep I can empathize there. It was also years before the depression presented itself for me, so I had seen him 'before' and desperately wanted that version back. I always tried to see his pushing me away, being selfish, having no enthusiasm as a symptom that could be cured, rather than who he was. But that's why it's so difficult. It'd almost be easier if they'd cheated or done something horrible, because then you could easily walk away. But because they're essentially faultless it's an impossible situation.

What I will say is theres no way of you predicting how it's going to go. He could get better in 3 months, or you could still be there in 3 years drowning and end up a shell of yourself. For me that risk isn't one worth taking and not one I'd take again. I'd advise any one of my friends the same. You get one life and deserve to be happy. It is so so hard though & I feel for you genuinely

Lightme · 03/09/2023 16:14

I'll also add that depression (not the person themselves) is a very selfish illness. It will make a person go into survival mode, only thinking of themselves and how to get through the day. My ex used to say that he didn't have the capacity to do anything other than that

Amen to this. I've dealt with this for a long time and OP, it did end up affecting me and eventually I got very depressed too. I ended up in a worse mess than him actually, but in the case of my DH he didn't get any help so that makes it worse.

If its been a year and medicine and therapy aren't working, the root cause hasn't been dealt with. In the case of my DH I know the root cause...do you?

Original poster

Jaded2023 · 03/09/2023 16:20

retinolalcohol · 03/09/2023 16:08

Yep I can empathize there. It was also years before the depression presented itself for me, so I had seen him 'before' and desperately wanted that version back. I always tried to see his pushing me away, being selfish, having no enthusiasm as a symptom that could be cured, rather than who he was. But that's why it's so difficult. It'd almost be easier if they'd cheated or done something horrible, because then you could easily walk away. But because they're essentially faultless it's an impossible situation.

What I will say is theres no way of you predicting how it's going to go. He could get better in 3 months, or you could still be there in 3 years drowning and end up a shell of yourself. For me that risk isn't one worth taking and not one I'd take again. I'd advise any one of my friends the same. You get one life and deserve to be happy. It is so so hard though & I feel for you genuinely

thanks lovely x

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Original poster

Jaded2023 · 03/09/2023 16:22

Lightme · 03/09/2023 16:14

I'll also add that depression (not the person themselves) is a very selfish illness. It will make a person go into survival mode, only thinking of themselves and how to get through the day. My ex used to say that he didn't have the capacity to do anything other than that

Amen to this. I've dealt with this for a long time and OP, it did end up affecting me and eventually I got very depressed too. I ended up in a worse mess than him actually, but in the case of my DH he didn't get any help so that makes it worse.

If its been a year and medicine and therapy aren't working, the root cause hasn't been dealt with. In the case of my DH I know the root cause...do you?

Childhood trauma yet (seemingly) no memory and has had a v successful life, loving family.

maybe (with hindsight ) a couple of pockets of odd behaviour that only now can I see any link to what’s happened

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Lightme · 03/09/2023 16:56

@Jaded2023 he should have made huge progress in a year though. It might be the completely wrong therapist or wrong medication. Where are you at financially in terms of exploring other options?

Childhood trauma can throw up PTSD and if that's what it is, a therapist specialising in that can be more helpful.

Original poster

Jaded2023 · 03/09/2023 17:01

Lightme · 03/09/2023 16:56

@Jaded2023 he should have made huge progress in a year though. It might be the completely wrong therapist or wrong medication. Where are you at financially in terms of exploring other options?

Childhood trauma can throw up PTSD and if that's what it is, a therapist specialising in that can be more helpful.

Ah I should add it’s taken a while to find the right therapist and he’s that’s exactly what it’s thrown up

so I guess it’s early days still with therapy . The meds don’t seem to do that much tbh (

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