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Original poster

Anyone ended relationship with a depressed partner?

101 replies

Jaded2023 · 02/09/2023 22:59

Hi - so my partner has been suffering with major depression for over a year now - on meds reg Therapy but he seems if anything to be getting worse .

my own mh is now starting to be affected and I feel I am at my own limit in terms of resilience.

has anyone any words of wisdom

  • I want to help him but I feel at risk of going down too!
thanks for reading x
OP posts:
Original poster
Jaded2023 · 13/01/2024 14:00

EmmaEmerald · 13/01/2024 09:46

OP I had a nervous breakdown at the end of July (mostly due to care of elderly mother but with hindsight, definitely other things too).

I was seeing someone at the time and he tried to help a lot, but I left him not long after (I don't normally date or have relationships or whatever).

I recovered very very slowly (it felt to me) and no one could see a difference in me till about a week ago. In November I felt I was teetering on the edge of another one but that was very much due to particular circumstances.

Controversial opinions incoming....

I did wonder if I'd have recovered faster without the boyfriend. My situation is unusual but I've never had anyone to help out before.

Is it possible your boyfriend would rather be left alone to recover?

As for whether he'll come back, I don't know, but my experience of mental health issues is that I become a much quieter version of myself every time they hit hard. If he recovers and becomes a very different person, you might want to move on anyway.

We all have limits of what we can cope with.

What is your relationship like at the moment? If he's in a complete daze, he might not care much if you leave. He might want to end the relationship himself but cba.

Or is he leaning heavily on you for stuff? Are you looking after him or do you just feel the "original him" is absent? You can leave for any reason you want.

sorry to read of your troubles.

yes he is leaning on me but also other family and friends as he doesn’t want to burden me too much. He’s still very thoughtful like that and I know he loves me BUT he is just so different to the person I fell in love with. Can’t work for eg . He is just in torment and can’t think of anything else much. (

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaded2023 · 13/01/2024 14:04

Thanks everyone for the replies . It’s just the lack of any improvement after so long that is so hard to deal with.

he is really trying but he’s sort of locked in it seems . Can’t think of anything else at all other than his internal world 24-7

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2024 14:07

Op, please stop wasting your life like this. You have got to finally wake up and admit it's over. Please don't throw away your own happiness trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

Forber · 13/01/2024 14:21

OP, your last posts were in September and we are now in January and it’s not getting any better. You need to gather your strength and make the decision that is best for you. You don’t have children so there is no real need to stay with him. This relationship doesn’t make you happy anymore and that’s all that you need to make the decision to bring it to an end.

Original poster
Jaded2023 · 13/01/2024 14:37

I guess hVe been holding onto the hope he will return to be the person he was before it happened

OP posts:
Mysticmog55 · 13/01/2024 14:45

No. I didn't dump my depressed boyfriend because I loved him and it was really hard and really difficult - and it crossed my mind - but I loved him.
He didn't dump me when I got seriously ill either.

Forber · 13/01/2024 14:45

I know but how long do you keep doing that?

He may never get better.

C1N1C · 13/01/2024 14:49

Considering it...

I realised this today actually after one of the many arguments started by my partner.

Being with someone depressed is really challenging because you spend your life trying to pick them up... You're constantly on edge wondering whether you'll come home and they'll be dead, or at least have ended it with you because they can see the strain it puts on you. My partner also has hormone issues, which adds a vicious temper into the mix.

That's my life... and what I'm finding now is that I'm being targeted as the villain because it's at the point where any proactive attempt, any love, affection, etc, is met with (as always) either a 'meh' or negativity. You then start to lose faith, become disheartened, and make less effort because they're going to be negative anyway right?! This then paints you as uncaring, lazy, and pulling back... which then makes things worse for them, and subsequently worse for you...

How do you leave someone you love but who you're miserable with? You cling on to that one day that they're happy or not abusive because that's the person you fell on love with.

Mysticmog55 · 13/01/2024 14:54

@Forber it took a few years while he was really depressed, it broke my heart, and he'll always be depressed and it does impact our relationship and it is really fucking hard but 1) he really tries
2) I have a very serious life long illness and he supports me
I'm scared he'll become really depressed again. I wish he wasn't.
Honestly, that's what love is and I love him.
I did think about ending it but I've had people quit on me because my illness limits everything so I see the other side of the coin.

Mysticmog55 · 13/01/2024 14:57

@C1N1C yes I understand the negativity and fear they'll be dead.
My partner is not aggressive.

Mysticmog55 · 13/01/2024 14:58

Also, I've dated other people and everyone has issues. I don't mean that to be trite.

retinolalcohol · 13/01/2024 14:59

EmmaEmerald · 13/01/2024 09:46

OP I had a nervous breakdown at the end of July (mostly due to care of elderly mother but with hindsight, definitely other things too).

I was seeing someone at the time and he tried to help a lot, but I left him not long after (I don't normally date or have relationships or whatever).

I recovered very very slowly (it felt to me) and no one could see a difference in me till about a week ago. In November I felt I was teetering on the edge of another one but that was very much due to particular circumstances.

Controversial opinions incoming....

I did wonder if I'd have recovered faster without the boyfriend. My situation is unusual but I've never had anyone to help out before.

Is it possible your boyfriend would rather be left alone to recover?

As for whether he'll come back, I don't know, but my experience of mental health issues is that I become a much quieter version of myself every time they hit hard. If he recovers and becomes a very different person, you might want to move on anyway.

We all have limits of what we can cope with.

What is your relationship like at the moment? If he's in a complete daze, he might not care much if you leave. He might want to end the relationship himself but cba.

Or is he leaning heavily on you for stuff? Are you looking after him or do you just feel the "original him" is absent? You can leave for any reason you want.

Hi OP - sorry you're still going through this now.

I'd like to add to this controversial opinion by saying my ex's point of view was similar. I would consider us 'friends' now (not close, but can talk). He has openly said that he doesn't think things would've ever got better for him or for the relationship if I'd stayed there enabling him. Me leaving sort of shook him out of the helplessness - he was still depressed for a while of course, but it made him realize he needed to change. He says he had to hit rock bottom

He's now doing brilliantly - new job, new house, new partner who seems good for him! I'm so happy for him and still so glad I left

gamerchick · 13/01/2024 15:03

Jaded2023 · 13/01/2024 14:37

I guess hVe been holding onto the hope he will return to be the person he was before it happened

So you keep saying.

Question is, how long are you going to cling onto that?

Look, you dont live together. Tell him you're struggling to support him ATM and need a break. Tell him you're going to have some time not on touch to decompress and recharge.

Then see how you feel about it all.

The second he threatens suicide. Dump him because there's no way back from that.

SunRainStorm · 13/01/2024 15:07

Jaded2023 · 12/01/2024 21:38

We don’t live together and he hasn’t worked since it started (but he can afford not to work - not in a huge way but he can afford not to)

Honestly OP, give yourself permission to break up and then do it.

Your one life is too short.

Original poster
Jaded2023 · 13/01/2024 15:12

Mysticmog55 · 13/01/2024 14:45

No. I didn't dump my depressed boyfriend because I loved him and it was really hard and really difficult - and it crossed my mind - but I loved him.
He didn't dump me when I got seriously ill either.

I do love him yes - hence nearly 18 months of life on hold I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaded2023 · 13/01/2024 15:13

Yeah I have often wondered this too

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaded2023 · 13/01/2024 15:14

Oh yes this totally (

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaded2023 · 13/01/2024 15:16

Did your partner have a history of depression ?

I feel like I would have coped better if it wasn’t such a shock and we hadn’t had 5 totally normal happy years before it

OP posts:
Lucy377 · 13/01/2024 17:19

Look up the Karpman Drama Triangle and look up Codependency and see if it rings any bells.

High maintenance men are attracted to women who put their own needs aside.

Is he under a psychiatrist?

EmmaEmerald · 13/01/2024 17:36

Jaded2023 · 13/01/2024 14:00

sorry to read of your troubles.

yes he is leaning on me but also other family and friends as he doesn’t want to burden me too much. He’s still very thoughtful like that and I know he loves me BUT he is just so different to the person I fell in love with. Can’t work for eg . He is just in torment and can’t think of anything else much. (

Show quote history

Oh dear, sounds like he was much more ill than I've been. The breakdown was more anxiety and depression, peaks and troughs. I still went for walks in the park with my then boyfriend, did cinema a couple of times. I slept a lot though....we had a couple of day trips planned where I didn't have the energy to go.

I posted about it here and a few people said it took a year or two or recover so I have been lucky with six months. I haven't worked for most of it.

My boyfriend didn't "enable" - he helped, so the days he was here he'd bring shopping, help clean the flat. He didn't mind me not working but it sounds as if you do mind, OP?

Basically, you sound really unhappy and as I said in previous posts, I don't want to bring anyone down, but it sounds like he can't help it maybe?

Even from my side, I think you'd be happier if you left.

Btw do you know the reply button doesn't work? You need to quote a poster or it's not clear which posts you're replying to. Many posts on Site Stuff but MN aren't fussed 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mysticmog55 · 13/01/2024 18:20

@Jaded2023 he did have a history of depression but until it got awful I didn't understand. It took 2 years for him to 'come back' but he's still depressed. I wish, right at the start, I knew but you don't have that luxury. I know people say "leave him" but it's really hard. Neither option is great for you. I hope he's trying to combat it with medication etc. My boyfriend is kind and funny and caring. He doesn't use drugs etc as a coping strategy. But it's still really hard when he's depressed

Original poster
Jaded2023 · 13/01/2024 18:59

Lucy377 · 13/01/2024 17:19

Look up the Karpman Drama Triangle and look up Codependency and see if it rings any bells.

High maintenance men are attracted to women who put their own needs aside.

Is he under a psychiatrist?

Oh interesting I will read thanks !

he is under he psych (private ) who literally seems not to know how to help as nothing seems to work. Also seeing a private therapist every week

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaded2023 · 13/01/2024 19:00

EmmaEmerald · 13/01/2024 17:36

Oh dear, sounds like he was much more ill than I've been. The breakdown was more anxiety and depression, peaks and troughs. I still went for walks in the park with my then boyfriend, did cinema a couple of times. I slept a lot though....we had a couple of day trips planned where I didn't have the energy to go.

I posted about it here and a few people said it took a year or two or recover so I have been lucky with six months. I haven't worked for most of it.

My boyfriend didn't "enable" - he helped, so the days he was here he'd bring shopping, help clean the flat. He didn't mind me not working but it sounds as if you do mind, OP?

Basically, you sound really unhappy and as I said in previous posts, I don't want to bring anyone down, but it sounds like he can't help it maybe?

Even from my side, I think you'd be happier if you left.

Btw do you know the reply button doesn't work? You need to quote a poster or it's not clear which posts you're replying to. Many posts on Site Stuff but MN aren't fussed 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Oh sorry I think have done now ?

I definitely think he can’t help it

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaded2023 · 13/01/2024 19:02

Mysticmog55 · 13/01/2024 18:20

@Jaded2023 he did have a history of depression but until it got awful I didn't understand. It took 2 years for him to 'come back' but he's still depressed. I wish, right at the start, I knew but you don't have that luxury. I know people say "leave him" but it's really hard. Neither option is great for you. I hope he's trying to combat it with medication etc. My boyfriend is kind and funny and caring. He doesn't use drugs etc as a coping strategy. But it's still really hard when he's depressed

The weird thing is he has lived an amazing flourishing life up until 15 months ago . Makes no sense to me at all what’s happened!

OP posts:
Specialized101 · 13/01/2024 19:12

My now ex-gf was manically depressed for the last 2 years but completely refused to accept any help despite being suicidal and signed off of work with stress and being well into the menopause after no periods for 3 years.It became completely unworkable and she refused to accept any accountability despite having these symptoms previously so i had to leave her to it for my own mental health in the end.She fooled everybody with her fake happiness when around them and is still waging a campaign against me and trying to convince everybody that its all my fault despite her history of mental and medical issues.
Heartbreaking as I was so in love with her but enoughs enough