Anyone ended relationship with a depressed partner?

[Jaded2023]

Hi - so my partner has been suffering with major depression for over a year now - on meds reg Therapy but he seems if anything to be getting worse .

my own mh is now starting to be affected and I feel I am at my own limit in terms of resilience.

has anyone any words of wisdom

• I want to help him but I feel at risk of going down too!

thanks for reading x

Oh gosh so sorry. Yes how heartbreaking - it’s so hard to let go of the person you fell in love with isn’t it. I mean people change over the years but to be with a total stranger is horrendous

Does he live with his mother?

I wouldn't blame you for leaving, the change in a person can be quite traumatic. I can pinpoint it to life changes. Does he undergo therapy, take medication, do exercise etc?

Yeah he is trying really hard.

No why ?

You mentioned childhood trauma though....so something has caught up with him.

Do you go out together at all or is he too ill for that?

The thread I started at the time, lots of people talked about how psychiatrists hadn't been that helpful (I considered seeing one but decided against it, my case was more situational) and in some cases, doses had gone up and up and hadn't helped. Of course, for some people, it works out well, but if he's made no progress, maybe it's time for him to try another tack.

All you can do is put suggestions in front of him but it's hard to think of suggestions when I don't know what he's tried, or if he can face the world to any extent.

I have probably one trauma in life and it doesn't benefit me to talk about it, but I appreciate that's unusual.

Just wondered what his current set up.was regarding shopping, cooking, washing clothes and bedlinen etc. Having interest in what is coming up on Netflix next week...type of thing.

Have those things changed in the past 18 months?

Also, if I asked you what percent of your psychic energy per day was allocated to him, and allocated to you, what would that be.
Like do you allow yourself to be happy while feeling he's miserable?

yes I think something has caught up with him quite likely

we sort of so quiet things ok like a walk or watching TV.. often hard work as he’s sitting sufferings so much inside

He’s either with me or at his place with support from f&f

well I have started to try to live my own life when he isn’t with me really I suppose you could say

Truth be told, I couldn't stay with someone in a permanent state of depression. For the reasons some people have stated. Only thinking of themselves, thinking they are the only one suffering in life, not wanting to discuss it or get help, not wanting to do ANYthing with you and the family, and affecting every aspect of my life, and my childrens life/my family's life.

I would tolerate it for so long, but then would be off if it went on. My DH is important to me, and I do love him and care about him. However, I am more important to me than him, and so are my children. Me and my children would be prioritised above him.

I remember my DH asking me once when we only had one child who was 2 at the time 'if you could choose to have me die, or our daughter, who would you choose? Straight answer.'

I didn't hesitate. I said 'You. I would choose you to die.'

He went flame red with anger and frustration, and tried to get me to say I didn't mean it. I said 'but I do. She is my CHILD for fuck's sake.' He said 'but you have only known her 2 years, you have known me for 10.'

I was trying to stop myself from laughing at the ridiculousness of it at that point. That I would choose him before my OWN CHILD. LOL fuck off. 😆

But anyway tl;dr I would not have stayed with my husband if he had had long term depression. I am not sure I would want to stay if he became long term physically ill to be honest. I am no spring chicken, and don't want to spend my senior years being a carer.

FWIW I don't want him to be my carer either. I mean if we can't do fuckall. Like even walk or feed ourselves or wipe our own arse. Not just a bit ill, or a disability. I mean really seriously not able to do anything. I'm not sticking around if he gets like that. And I don't want him to if I get like this.

That’s such a good point - no way would I think would stay around for me if I was like that for so long.

heck he didn’t even hold my hand on a turbulent flight once when I was crying with fear !

@SheFliesLikeABirdInTheSky you don't understand depression at all. They don't think they're the only ones suffering. He knew i was suffering, his head was confused. It's really difficult and aspects make you appear selfish but my partner clearly tried to beat it, and that didn't work, for a very long time. For the other person it's really hard, but it wasn't his fault anymore than any other illness.
I find your second comments crass.
OP, I'm going to bow out now, but I do understand it's really hard. Maybe some time apart to clear your head?

My husband was in the depths of depression 2 years ago, it was truly truly awful. He had tried citalopram but didn't get on with it, then tried sertraline 50mg and wasn't really doing anything. We asked the GP to increase his dosage and they took it up to 100mg and the change over the following weeks was amazing. This was also at the same time that he had drastically increased the amount of red meat he was eating under suggestions from a functional medicine practitioner who looks at balancing hormones and sorting out your diet and routine to treat illness. The diet changes, higher dosage of medication and couples counselling really helped us and he's doing really well at the moment. He didn't do well with individual therapy but the couples counselling really helped him be able to explain how he was feeling and it helped me understand how I could deal with it better

That's a bit crap
You also mention "pockets of weird behaviour".

I'm often shocked how people minimise things in relationships, so wondering if there's more to this?

Sidebar - I never understand the whole "depression makes you selfish" thing but while I've been in treatment for years before this breakdown, I've always lived alone and mostly hid it. Those who knew, I tried my best to make sure I didn't bring them down or burden them with this stuff. The boyfriend I had this summer heard more about it than I've ever told anyone in 20 years! I'm amazed he didn't leave me before I left him!

But if it had gone on 18 months, I don't know if he'd have stuck around. I suppose I seemed normal enough so it might have been okay.

I read somewhere that if you were hyper vigilant to somebody's moods it was a form of abuse.

So whilst depression is an illness, the stress it plays on loved ones is immense.

A few years ago my husband had very bad depression. He spoke to me like I was shit. I was on tenterhooks all the time. Felt like I was sitting on the edge of my seat all the time. He came out of it with CBT. His was something to do with lockdown. I am still feeling the results from it though. I watch him a lot, worry if he has a down day (is it beginning again?), will he be hanging from the rafters when I get home (he went through a period of being very interested in suicide). To be honest I am done with it.

It has been a horrible few years. He was fine, had depression, is fine, but maybe it will have depression again. If he does get depressed again, I am doing things very differently, thinking of me. Leaving.

You don't live with him. I would friend zone him. Be there like a friend, but his path is not yours. Stay in touch, but not too much. You deserve a life. If he decides to take his life, absolutely nothing to do with you. He needs to get through this on his own.

Very interesting esp about the red meat - he went vegetarian before this episode wonder if had an impact !

Yes he sort of can’t be alone at all. It’s really wearing and puts a lot of stress on me when he is with me as I work FT in a challenging full on job

just wish he would do what you did and focus on himself and his recovery in a sort of private way

Sorry you’ve had this-too yes I am def hyper vigilant empath type myself which makes someone you love (and used to think was MY protection!!) such a strain as it massively affects me (

thanks for the advice - it means a lot x

I know you'll find this hard but suggest a break. You at least need a break from this because between him and your job you will break and then what? He couldn't even hold your hand when you were crying! He's not going to look after you the way you look after him. If he looks after you at all.

See what this new life without him looks like. Go out with friends or stay in for a calm evening. Work your life around you. You cannot continue like this.

Doing this for him is to your detriment I promise you. I've always put others first and it gets you nowhere.

thanks for posting

just all such a head f*

I’ve been the one on the other side of this and have had over a year off work, a four month psychiatric admission and numerous drugs and therapies. I finally got better with ECT and have my life back again. This is my third episode of illness with 7-10 years between episodes when I’ve been entirely well. There are things here I don’t recognise as being part of depression- for example whilst I’ve had suicidal thoughts and planning I’ve always kept that secret from my partner and I’m not convinced that using suicide as a manipulative threat is really part of depression. But anyway. I absolutely recognise that life has been incredibly difficult for my partner whilst I’ve been so unwell and he has supported me without question practically, financially and emotionally for which I’m so so grateful. I would undoubtedly do the same for him if he were disabled in a similar way by any illness, physical or mental and that’s just part of the commitment we made to each other.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is but:
jt is possible to completely recover even when you’ve been ill for a very long time
Depression doesn’t necessarily mean selfishness. It can be disabling and mean you’re unable to do things but you are still responsible for your own behaviour - I cannot imagine for example thinking that my partner should prefer our child dying to me dying as someone said above - ill or not my child’s welfare has always been the most important thing in the world to me.

None of this tells you whether you should leave your partner or not - but if this is all depression and not just elements of his personality that were hidden before coming to the fore I think it’s worth remembering it’s an illness like any other which is hugely disabling but can improve.

Good luck and I hope the future holds happiness for you both.

@mogglemoo

How on earth is your eldest child coping with this?

She isn't really. She now wants to give up Uni to 'look after Dad', so I now have another fire to put out.

Our weekend has been horrific. I made a GP appointment today and they have referred for more intensive intervention, appointment tomorrow. I've been told by the GP that it's serious and I must 'manhandle him into the car' to get him there- reinforcing that its me responsible for his recovery.

He continues to sit shaking on the sofa beside be and, when asked what he wanted for tea, mumbled, 'what is there?'

I feel this is very manipulative and not a sign of depression. He sees us as solely here to run after him and walk on egg shells.

No idea if I'm coming or going and have no idea where my lovely husband has gone. If I'm honest, I hope he gets sectioned tomorrow just to give us a break, but I know it's more likely he'll be coming back home 😞

@mogglemoo

Could he not have the appointment by video call or phone? How does your gp expect you to get a reluctantly grown man there?

Please please look out for yourself as well as your children. It will likely make you ill if you don't.

I know, I’ll get him there- I’m more stubborn than he is.

It was interesting at my appointment at the GP- I said I was struggling to cope with all this home stuff as well as a very demanding job. I told him that I was being referred for counselling through work. He said that was good, then said he didn’t think I needed anti-ds, my struggles would go away when the situation is resolved. He offered me diazepam as a short term solution, but explained they were ‘crap’ and could be addictive.

When my husband eventually went to the GP at the beginning of December, the same doctor handed anti-dos out to him there and then.

i’ve had a better night’s sleep, so feel better able to cope. Let’s see what today brings….