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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has secret female friends

52 replies

Inthegreyzone · 01/09/2023 21:19

Looking at DD baby photos on old phone when photos of a lady in revealing swim suit started coming up, bikini selfies, pouty selfies. I realised gallery was linked to DH WhatsApp. I confronted him and he deleted their chat before I could see. Then I see 2 other random ladies in his WhatsApp who he's been chatting with daily and sending videos with. He met them online and exchanged numbers. Apparently these are just friends but he has betrayed me 'sexting' with a girl before and I've not been able to trust him since. He is always on his phone and says its because he has Adhd but I never know who he spends all this time talking to. I don't think he'll ever change and I don't know whether to ignore this or think about separatation

OP posts:
KirstHD1 · 01/09/2023 21:30

I usually encourage people to stick it out when they first find their partner is doing this but this does seem to be going a far here. What is your sex life like? Could that be the problem. Try spicing it up and satisfy his fantasies?

Shadesofscarlett · 01/09/2023 21:36

erm what? spice it up to stop him cheating - god I heard it all now. Dump his cheating arse.

Original poster
Inthegreyzone · 01/09/2023 21:38

@KirstHD1 I'm afraid it's been non existent since our youngest (3) we have both struggled with personal events over the last 3 years. I have not wanted to be touched very much and I don't know if that will ever change. I have tried to get counselling. The messages have been going on with different girls since we got together 10 years ago though when we did have a sex life

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/09/2023 21:39

Do you add random guys you meet over the internet and chat with daily, sharing pics etc?

No? Why not?

Because it's not normal.

Ditch him

abyssofwoah · 01/09/2023 21:40

Friends my arse. Ditch the bastard, you deserve better.

Nicole1111 · 01/09/2023 21:47

Run don’t walk

Littlefish · 01/09/2023 21:50

KirstHD1 · 01/09/2023 21:30

I usually encourage people to stick it out when they first find their partner is doing this but this does seem to be going a far here. What is your sex life like? Could that be the problem. Try spicing it up and satisfy his fantasies?

Why the fuck should she try and spice things up. The man is a horrible cheat. She needs to get him out of her house and life.

Original poster
Inthegreyzone · 01/09/2023 21:51

I am a sahm of 2 though so I'm trying to weigh it all up. He is kind and I know I have pushed him away through my personal struggles. But at the end of the day I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him

OP posts:
youtwoandme · 01/09/2023 22:09

KirstHD1 · 01/09/2023 21:30

I usually encourage people to stick it out when they first find their partner is doing this but this does seem to be going a far here. What is your sex life like? Could that be the problem. Try spicing it up and satisfy his fantasies?

What a horrid reply!!!
As if it's her fault he's a sneaky, liar and cheat!!
OP pay no attention to this idiot!

Wildehorses · 01/09/2023 22:14

He financially supports you and you have not had sex in three years … time for a serious conversation, good luck, no easy answers

PosterBoy · 01/09/2023 22:17

If you no longer have a sex life, does it matter? Which part matters? If he is sleeping with them? Sexting? Emotional affair? Where is your line and why?

If he has crossed your line then I think you have to leave or you will stay unhappy

Thewookiemustgo · 01/09/2023 22:46

OP the problem isn’t your sex life or your relationship or you, the problem is HIM.
It matters not one jot how much sex is/ isn’t ‘enough’ for anyone, cheating is the fault of the cheat, nobody else’s. Cheating is a choice, an option, not a necessity or something you are driven or forced to do. He chose to do this, you had no part in his choice at all. Honest, decent adults communicate truthfully with one another and sort out issues in an open, mature fashion. They don’t lie and cheat, taking no personal responsibility for their appalling behaviour and/ or blame the victim of it.
His ADHD is neither here nor there. It’s just being used as his excuse for being glued to his phone doing things he shouldn’t be doing in plain sight.

Thewookiemustgo · 01/09/2023 22:50

Again, OP, this isn’t your fault. You didn’t cause it. Your being an SAHM has no bearing on his behaviour, and ‘pushing him away’ is a relationship issue which he should have voiced, not filed away as his justification and personal permission to betray and disrespect you. Nothing excuses cheating. You can’t control other people’s behaviour, you did not cause this. He chose it.

FlamingoFloss · 01/09/2023 22:53

KirstHD1 · 01/09/2023 21:30

I usually encourage people to stick it out when they first find their partner is doing this but this does seem to be going a far here. What is your sex life like? Could that be the problem. Try spicing it up and satisfy his fantasies?

Really, Mrs Stepford?

DameCurlyBassey · 01/09/2023 23:04

Inthegreyzone · 01/09/2023 21:38

@KirstHD1 I'm afraid it's been non existent since our youngest (3) we have both struggled with personal events over the last 3 years. I have not wanted to be touched very much and I don't know if that will ever change. I have tried to get counselling. The messages have been going on with different girls since we got together 10 years ago though when we did have a sex life

Your body is telling him what you can’t tell him directly: that you have had enough of his cheating arse and don’t want to sleep with him ever again. So he can eff off.

Elfer13 · 01/09/2023 23:17

10 years ? Seriously you need to make a life decision if he isn't or hasn't already cheated on you he clearly intends to. It took my ex about a month after "innocently" messaging his "friends".
Get shut and good luck.

Original poster
Inthegreyzone · 02/09/2023 06:48

Thank you, I appreciate your responses. The problem is he says he's innocent and I don't have solid proof against that. the chats I've seen seem clean just a lot and all through the day and I never knew about these relationships. The conversations with the swimsuit girl may well have been below board which is why he deleted them. I'm thinking about confronting the swimsuit girl

OP posts:
kidsonthemoon · 02/09/2023 07:01

With all due respect your problem is t with the swimsuit girl , it's with your husband. He is repeatedly crossing boundaries . He admits to chatting but I'd bet there's much more to it than that . People often only admit to the bare minimum. He's been doing it 10 years, this is cheating don't let him bs you about that

kidsonthemoon · 02/09/2023 07:03

Sorry isn't with swimsuit girl

TheAverageJoanne · 02/09/2023 07:15

KirstHD1 · 01/09/2023 21:30

I usually encourage people to stick it out when they first find their partner is doing this but this does seem to be going a far here. What is your sex life like? Could that be the problem. Try spicing it up and satisfy his fantasies?

Grow up.

TheAverageJoanne · 02/09/2023 07:17

Wildehorses · 01/09/2023 22:14

He financially supports you and you have not had sex in three years … time for a serious conversation, good luck, no easy answers

Are you suggesting sex is a reward for being financially supported?

Copperoliverbear · 02/09/2023 07:33

He's blaming his adhd for his bad behaviour, get rid of him today, he won't change he's an arsehole x

Original poster
Inthegreyzone · 02/09/2023 07:34

Is a husband who constantly flirts with girls (strangers to me) on his phone a husband I should leave? At some point he will probably take things too far. Or do I ignore this for the rest of my life? He is a good dad and supports me. Does anyone think this is just okay?

OP posts:
Absolemsbong · 02/09/2023 07:35

Yeah he’s a serial cheat sorry op.

Even if you were having sex three times a day this would still be happening, trust me.

Absolemsbong · 02/09/2023 07:35

Just to add you need to get back into work and start earning asap. This is not a person to be trusted or relied upon.

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