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Original poster

Husband has secret female friends

52 replies

Inthegreyzone · 01/09/2023 21:19

Looking at DD baby photos on old phone when photos of a lady in revealing swim suit started coming up, bikini selfies, pouty selfies. I realised gallery was linked to DH WhatsApp. I confronted him and he deleted their chat before I could see. Then I see 2 other random ladies in his WhatsApp who he's been chatting with daily and sending videos with. He met them online and exchanged numbers. Apparently these are just friends but he has betrayed me 'sexting' with a girl before and I've not been able to trust him since. He is always on his phone and says its because he has Adhd but I never know who he spends all this time talking to. I don't think he'll ever change and I don't know whether to ignore this or think about separatation

OP posts:
Original poster
Inthegreyzone · 02/09/2023 07:36

Absolemsbong · 02/09/2023 07:35

Yeah he’s a serial cheat sorry op.

Even if you were having sex three times a day this would still be happening, trust me.

But is flirting cheating if its not physical?

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 02/09/2023 07:36

Of course he's going to say he's innocent the very rarely admit it.

Absolemsbong · 02/09/2023 07:38

Does anyone think this is just okay?

Not at all, it’s disrespectful and Thirsty.

Absolemsbong · 02/09/2023 07:40

But is flirting cheating if its not physical?

Do you really think he wouldn’t given half the chance!?

In my life experience men who are attention seekers and engage in this ego stroking bullshit behaviour are serial cheats.

Why delete the conversation if there’s nothing to hide??

Absolemsbong · 02/09/2023 07:41

You have to do what’s best for you grey but you need to protect yourself as a bare minimum financially, really you do 🙏

PosterBoy · 02/09/2023 07:55

Inthegreyzone · 02/09/2023 07:36

But is flirting cheating if its not physical?

Show quote history

That's for you and your partner to decide, not mumsnet.

Everyone has different boundaries.
What's important is that you both agree what yours are.

So ... is flirting cheating in your relationship or not?

Ilovelurchers · 02/09/2023 10:59

There are no hard and fast rules. You are allowed to be ok with it if you feel ok with it. Maybe you would be happy with an open relationship, if you no longer want sex with him yourself? Some people live happily like that.

Don't worry about what anybody else thinks. If you are ok with him having these chats (and maybe more) that's ok. Tho definitely then you should be free to do the same, and find your own chat-buddies etc should you ever wish to......

If it hurts and upsets you tho it's not ok, and you either need him to change (demonstrably) or to leave.

I would suggest tho that if you do decide to try and stay together, but don't want an open relationship, you may need to address the sex issue. Unless he is asexual he is unlikely to feel happy and fulfilled long term in a sexless relationship. It doesn't justify him cheating - it would however justify him leaving in my opinion, if you are not willing to try and address the issue.

teachername · 02/09/2023 11:24

In order for boundaries to be maintained in open relationships or ones where flirting is allowed but nothing physical, you need TRUST.

I don't think there is trust in your relationship @Inthegreyzone. If you don't have trust then you will be constantly mentally exhausted wondering what is happening.

He is your DH - do you want to have the rest of married life feeling like this? You don't have to, you have choices and I'd be looking closely at those choices finding out info to know where you stand should he decide to move on or you decide not to be 2nd best (or maybe even 3rd, 4th...).

BeMoreBarbie · 02/09/2023 12:19

You have two big issues here that need addressing.

  1. No, it's never OK to flirt and sext with other people when you're in a relationship. Don't make excuses for him.
  1. By all accounts you have a sexless marriage. This needs to be addressed. Why have you lost your sex drive? Do you want to get it back? Can you work on this together? You need to talk to him. No one should be forced into sex they don't want but also, what's the answer for him here? If you're not willing to discuss/fix, would an open relationship work? No one is forcing him to stay (or indeed cheat) but it needs to be discussed openly. Sexless marriages can work but only if both parties are happy.
PTSDBarbiegirl · 02/09/2023 12:25

You can't trust him, he's going behind your back and engaging in extra marital relationships. Is that really what you want for yourself. Unless he's having a major mental health episode there's no excuse. Get rid.

Mmhmmn · 02/09/2023 12:25

Why on earth would you confront the swimsuit girl?

Your relationship is with him - he is the one that has broken your trust. What a shock you must have got seeing all that. I'm amazed he let you anywhere near his phone (unless he subconsciously wanted you to discover the photos ..?)

BeMoreBarbie · 02/09/2023 12:28

Mmhmmn · 02/09/2023 12:25

Why on earth would you confront the swimsuit girl?

Your relationship is with him - he is the one that has broken your trust. What a shock you must have got seeing all that. I'm amazed he let you anywhere near his phone (unless he subconsciously wanted you to discover the photos ..?)

This. Don't confront her. She either won't know you exist or will have been spun a lie to make their relationship seem ok. It's nothing to do with her. Unless you're requesting contact as part of a fact-check.

MrReflection · 02/09/2023 12:34

teachername · 02/09/2023 11:24

In order for boundaries to be maintained in open relationships or ones where flirting is allowed but nothing physical, you need TRUST.

I don't think there is trust in your relationship @Inthegreyzone. If you don't have trust then you will be constantly mentally exhausted wondering what is happening.

He is your DH - do you want to have the rest of married life feeling like this? You don't have to, you have choices and I'd be looking closely at those choices finding out info to know where you stand should he decide to move on or you decide not to be 2nd best (or maybe even 3rd, 4th...).

Trust.....the underpinning foundation to all relationships.

Once that's gone, move on.

It's worth understanding the difference between emotional cheating and physical cheating. The first regularly leads to the second.

Blackscrackleanddrag · 02/09/2023 12:35

He’s a long tern serial cheat. Had a friend this happened to. He’s cheating and lying about it.

WunWun · 02/09/2023 12:36

KirstHD1 · 01/09/2023 21:30

I usually encourage people to stick it out when they first find their partner is doing this but this does seem to be going a far here. What is your sex life like? Could that be the problem. Try spicing it up and satisfy his fantasies?

Wow, sounds as though you give really shit advice.

WandaWomblesaurus · 02/09/2023 12:37

KirstHD1 · 01/09/2023 21:30

I usually encourage people to stick it out when they first find their partner is doing this but this does seem to be going a far here. What is your sex life like? Could that be the problem. Try spicing it up and satisfy his fantasies?

Seriously!!!!!???????

C1N1C · 02/09/2023 12:42

Difficult one.... and a topic fraught with double standards on MN.

If a man stops wanting sex for six months to a year, he'll be panned on here, and women will say it's not fair, you shouldn't have to live in a sexless marriage, etc. But many women, it seems, have reduced/non-existent sex drives after children, so how long is 'fair' for a man to live a sexless marriage?

Regardless of 'how' it happened, his response is wrong. It looks like he's already, if not, at least preparing to look elsewhere. If he's not happy with his sexual lot in life, a decent person would discuss options before moving on.

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/09/2023 13:02

Inthegreyzone · 02/09/2023 07:36

But is flirting cheating if its not physical?

Show quote history

Cheating is anything you've agreed not to do with another person outside the relationship.

So if you don't want him to flirt with other people, then make sure he knows that. Either he can agree with your boundary and decide he wants to be in a relationship with you, or he can end the relationship. If he then breaks that boundary, then he's cheated.

Tiredmum100 · 02/09/2023 13:43

KirstHD1 · 01/09/2023 21:30

I usually encourage people to stick it out when they first find their partner is doing this but this does seem to be going a far here. What is your sex life like? Could that be the problem. Try spicing it up and satisfy his fantasies?

Are you the partner of the OP? What awful, stupid advice.

Hibernatalie · 02/09/2023 16:27

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is ok - do you think it's ok? He is sexting other women, that much is true. You don't need solid evidence, you're not going to take him to court. You know it's true. You also know he might act on it. Is that acceptable to you? Are you OK with him getting the sexual part of your relationship elsewhere while he stays with you in every other aspect? It is only you who will experience the fallout of your decision so it's a decision only you can make.

Hibernatalie · 02/09/2023 16:28

KirstHD1 · 01/09/2023 21:30

I usually encourage people to stick it out when they first find their partner is doing this but this does seem to be going a far here. What is your sex life like? Could that be the problem. Try spicing it up and satisfy his fantasies?

This response reminds me of that podcast Dear Joan and Jericha! IYKYK

Terrribletwos · 02/09/2023 16:38

No. Definitely think he is not actually flirting, and that would be wrong anyway, but seeking out sexual partners and it's now your time to think about what you do with that. I would leave.

Redruby2020 · 02/09/2023 18:35

Inthegreyzone · 01/09/2023 21:51

I am a sahm of 2 though so I'm trying to weigh it all up. He is kind and I know I have pushed him away through my personal struggles. But at the end of the day I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him

Don't minimise, he did similar in the past too, yes sometimes things can add to someone behaving in certain ways, but then I have learnt you can look great great in bed blah blah, and it still happens, women could run theirselves in to the ground over this kind of thing.

Merryoldgoat · 02/09/2023 18:49

KirstHD1 · 01/09/2023 21:30

I usually encourage people to stick it out when they first find their partner is doing this but this does seem to be going a far here. What is your sex life like? Could that be the problem. Try spicing it up and satisfy his fantasies?

Wtaf?

Absolemsbong · 03/09/2023 04:48

I usually encourage people to stick it out when they first find their partner is doing this but this does seem to be going a far here. What is your sex life like? Could that be the problem. Try spicing it up and satisfy his fantasies?

The man is a long term cheat and likes ego validation from multiple places so unless she can shape shift I don’t think that’s going to work…

If you’re not happy with your sex life texting strangers wouldn’t solve the issue and unless the man is an absolute imbecile he knows this.

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