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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment

76 replies

connie26 · 01/09/2023 04:10

DH is giving DD 15 the silent treatment because he found out she had tried vapes - he found two in the house (ones that I had taken off her months ago and forgot to throw out - could kick myself). She doesn't vape anymore and I've explained this to him. She's tried to apologise and bought him some chocolate but he just grunted. He's now been moody since last Sunday and although DD is taking it in her stride, I'm worried it will start to affect her.
He's prone to moodiness when things don't go well and there are other things worrying him at the moment which adds to it all but I am at the end of my tether with him. I've had 30 years of this shit on and off. When I try to talk to him, he'll often turn it into 'oh, it's my fault is it' and shut himself off again.
I'm going to lose it with him very soon.

OP posts:
Bluesheeps · 01/09/2023 04:13

Doubt it’s about the vapes.

if you’ve had 30 years of this shit do you want another 30?

TibetanTerrah · 01/09/2023 04:15

You should have lost it with him years ago.

Maybe start with 'Just fyi, the silent treatment is abusive. If you're so emotionally stunted that you're unable to use your words like a big boy, here's a bag, and there's the door.'

Original poster
connie26 · 01/09/2023 04:16

No, I don't. All is fine until the next life-problem and then it's egg-shell time for a few days. I don't know how to get out of it though.

OP posts:
Surlaplage · 01/09/2023 04:17

I typed out a long reply but deleted it by accident.

Basically I was raised with silent treatment as punishment. It basically means 'I only love you conditionally'. It was so damaging and I would never do this to my child. I'm thinking back to a period of being blanked over 20 years ago and still hurts.

pilates · 01/09/2023 04:17

Tell him he needs to grow up and if he wants to have a relationship with his DD in the future he needs to stop sulking. I can understand why he was upset about the vaping but communication is the key here.

Original poster
connie26 · 01/09/2023 04:18

Thank you for your replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
connie26 · 01/09/2023 04:21

It's awful. He's done it to me many times.

OP posts:
Bluesheeps · 01/09/2023 04:21

sounds like your daughter is being reasonable apologising….but also she’s a teenager. She’s allowed to experiment.

would he explain to you why he’s shutting down?

leave him?

Original poster
connie26 · 01/09/2023 04:25

I don't know how to leave him - where to start and what affect it would have on DDs

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 01/09/2023 04:25

I would try to explain how abusive the silent treatment is when it’s not happening. I wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship like that, but every situation is different. So rather than walking on eggshells around him, sweep the floor, and put down a dance floor instead. Don’t let him set the tone of the room. When he is making everyone miserable counter it with happiness, sing along to a tune in your head and spin DD around as she walks past. Pretend h isn’t there. Make sure your DD knows being treated like that isn’t ok, and to ignore it.

Bluesheeps · 01/09/2023 04:32

Are you financially dependent on him? How old are the dd’s? Will it realistically affect them if he can’t be arsed to talk to them?

Newnamehiwhodis · 01/09/2023 04:56

And she is now learning to fawn on any man who is grumpy with her. It’s a horrible thing for her to learn. :(
I grew up with this too, thinking sulky behavior was my fault, and I had abusive relationships until therapy taught me differently.

he is actually damaging her.

I would not, could not, live with this abusive man. I’m so sorry, OP

Octosaurus · 01/09/2023 05:08

So many awful men around.... he sounds like a baby. Get rid of him please

SuffolkUnicorn · 01/09/2023 05:50

Surlaplage · 01/09/2023 04:17

I typed out a long reply but deleted it by accident.

Basically I was raised with silent treatment as punishment. It basically means 'I only love you conditionally'. It was so damaging and I would never do this to my child. I'm thinking back to a period of being blanked over 20 years ago and still hurts.

Same I was sent to Coventry by my mum from as young as I can remember say 3 it damages you so bad days turned into weeks months and years I would never treat my son like that it’s abuse I have no idea why the OP has put up with this shit and especially as he’s now doing it to his own child

Original poster
connie26 · 01/09/2023 06:19

Bluesheeps · 01/09/2023 04:32

Are you financially dependent on him? How old are the dd’s? Will it realistically affect them if he can’t be arsed to talk to them?

I work but he's the higher earner. The house is paid for. DDs are 15 and 14. They don't seem bothered but underneath, I don't know. He's speaking to the younger one.

OP posts:
Minttee · 01/09/2023 06:30

I was with a man like this for 8 years. He would ignore me for days at a time. Its absolutely soul destroying. I took my 3 year old and left eventually.
Don't waste another year let alone another 30. He will never change and you need to leave for your kids if you can't do it for yourself.

aLnik · 01/09/2023 06:33

When you say it "basically means" is this something you have researched? IF what your saying is true I am in for some serious heartbreak and so is our new baby...

aLnik · 01/09/2023 06:37

did you ever find any reason he would act that way? did you ever find and real peace or...what I really mean is...are you sure this will never stop? I am here right now with a brand new baby...

Lonicerax · 01/09/2023 06:37

It’s sort of saying ‘you are so selfish/ lazy /useless/a failure as a person /bad that I can’t even bring myself to acknowledge that you exist’ hence blanking - it’s cruel, manipulative, damages the whole household.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2023 06:47

Seek legal advice re separation and divorce from a Solicitor, contact a couple of firms in your area. Knowledge is also
power.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what are you both teaching your daughters?. Their dad is emotionally abusive and you are showing them that currently at least, this treatment is acceptable to you. If you were to remain with such a man then its very likely that both daughters will get into abusive relationships themselves. Better to be also from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

AgathaX · 01/09/2023 06:54

Your poor children. You are enabling his abusive behaviour to them by staying. They can't leave, yet. You need to protect them and show them how to create boundaries.

aLnik · 01/09/2023 07:01

I feel naive but why? What is the point in doing this to another person rather than just respectfully and maturely deciding together to separate?

Maray1967 · 01/09/2023 07:17

Tackle this head on with him, very directly and loudly if necessary. Mine would get a bollocking if he did this. I refuse to ever walk on eggshells.

If he does not respond well, ignore him. Carry on in a lively fashion and blank him. I would get on with things with your girls and make it clear he will not win behaving like this.

aLnik · 01/09/2023 07:38

That used to be who we were! I can hear your voice in your post! For us however one day without even knowing it just stopped. Then I spent months running in circles very confused until now, recently I ended up here. I just wish there was a reason. Even one he made up I would settle for but there's nothing. And I don't know why.
Thank you for hearing me

Original poster
connie26 · 01/09/2023 07:44

Thank you. When we are happy, which is most of the time, it's lovely but... there is always that knowledge that when things go tits up, as they do from time to time, my world is not pleasant. Nothing physical but he closes up and can barely talk. I know he is like this at work too. Eventually he comes round when he decides to talk about it or has had enough sulky time. My girls are stronger than me, I think because they have each other and have a lot of confidence.
If I was going to leave, I should've done it a long time ago.

OP posts: