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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment

76 replies

connie26 · 01/09/2023 04:10

DH is giving DD 15 the silent treatment because he found out she had tried vapes - he found two in the house (ones that I had taken off her months ago and forgot to throw out - could kick myself). She doesn't vape anymore and I've explained this to him. She's tried to apologise and bought him some chocolate but he just grunted. He's now been moody since last Sunday and although DD is taking it in her stride, I'm worried it will start to affect her.
He's prone to moodiness when things don't go well and there are other things worrying him at the moment which adds to it all but I am at the end of my tether with him. I've had 30 years of this shit on and off. When I try to talk to him, he'll often turn it into 'oh, it's my fault is it' and shut himself off again.
I'm going to lose it with him very soon.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 01/09/2023 18:25

Sorry, but I find this so hard to understand. Why are you tolerating this? You know behaviour like this repeats itself so your dds will potentially end up in similar relationships. Is this what you want?

A friend of my mum’s has a relationship like this. He wouldn’t speak to his wife for weeks. Without exception, the grown up children all have serious issues. I hate him, he was a teacher and I can just imagine him being equally horrible in class all those years ago.

Mary46 · 01/09/2023 19:09

Its lousy. I remember in secondary school could last days with my mam. We tend ignore now as adults we all too busy. Op its crap

Original poster
connie26 · 01/09/2023 21:33

Thank you for your messages.
He came home earlier after playing his sport and it was obvious that he was still in a mood. I lost it and had a go at him. He's packed a bag and gone.

OP posts:
Feverly · 01/09/2023 21:34

The trash has taken itself out. Get therapy for your poor kids.

HamishTheCamel · 01/09/2023 21:37

Hope you're ok OP.

purplejeanie · 01/09/2023 22:33

My husband is similar -he's periodically given me silent treatment over the years and now does it to our daughters who are 9. Most of the time he is extremely loving and then every few months he will snap and then be silent for a few days. It is tearing me up inside-to see their pain. If I leave him he will still have access to them half the time, and I won't be there to be with them, so I don't know how it'll help them. OP I hope you're ok.

Zanatdy · 01/09/2023 22:36

My ex tried the silent treatment on our son and I went ballistic with him as he did it to me for years and I find it abusive. Have a conversation and move on

Zanatdy · 01/09/2023 22:38

connie26 · 01/09/2023 21:33

Thank you for your messages.
He came home earlier after playing his sport and it was obvious that he was still in a mood. I lost it and had a go at him. He's packed a bag and gone.

Good on you, don’t let him continue to treat you all like this. Sending a hug

Jellybean23 · 01/09/2023 22:58

Well done and good riddance to him. If only you had done this thirty years ago. He's done got away with it because there were no consequences for him. He comes out of his mood when it suits him, he's been calling all the shots, it has empowered him.
If he comes back, make it clear you've had enough of this crap and won't tolerate it any longer. Don't back down now, you've taken the hardest step.

Anotherparkingthread · 01/09/2023 23:30

Please don't let your daughter buy him chocolate and try to right his bad moods. It's setting her up for a lifetime of tolerating men who will treat her badly as she desperately tries to appease them and gain their affection. You can't let her think that is normal it.

Dungeonsandwagons · 01/09/2023 23:34

No 15 year old ‘takes it in their stride’ when one of the two people in the world meant to provide unconditional love isn’t doing so. Its vile and abusive. Tell her this so she doesn’t copy you and allow men like this in her life. Then leave him

cardiganboo · 01/09/2023 23:38

Anotherparkingthread · 01/09/2023 23:30

Please don't let your daughter buy him chocolate and try to right his bad moods. It's setting her up for a lifetime of tolerating men who will treat her badly as she desperately tries to appease them and gain their affection. You can't let her think that is normal it.

Absolutely!

Make sure she knows that it's not okay to treat his family like this.

Glad he's left! Fuckface! Hope you're okay.

Dungeonsandwagons · 01/09/2023 23:55

If I leave him he will still have access to them half the time, and I won't be there to be with them, so I don't know how it'll help them

it will massively help them. They will know it’s not ok and they won’t accept this shit from their partners. Also they’re old enough to start deciding where they spend their time. If he continues to be a cunt they just won’t want to be with him.

Escapingafter50years · 02/09/2023 00:13

Read your posts back. What you have shown your daughters is that it's ok for a man to abuse you emotionally for 30 years at which point you have "invested" so much time into the "relationship" that you may as well stay.

You think this asshole will be able to force teenagers to stay with him at his behest? Tell him good luck with that.

You are long overdue breaking free of this abuse. You do not deserve it. Your kids do not deserve it either, but they have been stuck. You have stayed with this man and they have had no option. They will have been hugely damaged.

My "mother" did this to me all my life. Only recently she was so abusive I finally stepped back from her. She is now very old, alone and bitter and to be honest she deserves every moment of that. I'm in therapy for the last 2 years and will be for a lot more. The silent treatment from a parent destroys self worth.

Why did you accept this for so long? What happened to you in your formative years that you didn't feel you deserved better? Or maybe you did feel it was bad but that you couldn't culturally or financially leave? Do some reading about the silent treatment - it is seriously abusive and the effects are long lasting, they go to the core of us as a human being; basically at a young age to have a parent tell you, without needing to say the words, that if you do not behave exactly as they insist, then to them you will cease to exist. A good parent could not possibly do that. Can you imagine turning off your love for your children? Your husband is able to do that. He is damaged and unless he looks into his own behaviour he will not change. So if you want change, and you should, the change is up to you.

I have a feeling that his flouncing off is a self-pity move on his behalf. He will expect you to have learned your lesson and he will come back home with the fullest intent to punish you and your daughter for "causing" this situation. This is a time to stand firm, which will probably be very difficult for you, but very important to show your daughters that it's never to late to reclaim your life, your independence, your self-respect. You wouldn't wish this life on them I'm sure? Show them it's unacceptable.

Octosaurus · 02/09/2023 04:37

connie26 · 01/09/2023 21:33

Thank you for your messages.
He came home earlier after playing his sport and it was obvious that he was still in a mood. I lost it and had a go at him. He's packed a bag and gone.

Well done. Hang in there

Original poster
connie26 · 02/09/2023 06:49

Thank you so much. Your posts are helping me.
I'm trying to hang on in there. I really shouted and screamed in the car to myself last night after dropping dd1 off at her friend's.
When I got back his bag was there and he stared at me stony faced then left. I'm so tired of his behaviour. I was relieved when he'd left but I've no idea what's going to happen next.

OP posts:
pilates · 02/09/2023 06:53

It will be a great weight lifted off your shoulders. Life is going to start to get easier and more enjoyable for you. Good luck 😉

Mary46 · 02/09/2023 09:36

It drags you down this behaviour. Sorry for you op. I remember years ago I be afraid how quick moods would turn and how long she keep it going.

SuffolkUnicorn · 02/09/2023 11:08

purplejeanie · 01/09/2023 22:33

My husband is similar -he's periodically given me silent treatment over the years and now does it to our daughters who are 9. Most of the time he is extremely loving and then every few months he will snap and then be silent for a few days. It is tearing me up inside-to see their pain. If I leave him he will still have access to them half the time, and I won't be there to be with them, so I don't know how it'll help them. OP I hope you're ok.

Leave

Original poster
connie26 · 02/09/2023 17:05

Where is the best place to get advice on separation please?
I have no clue. Mortgage is paid for thankfully.

OP posts:
Mummykins54 · 02/09/2023 19:51

connie26 · 02/09/2023 17:05

Where is the best place to get advice on separation please?
I have no clue. Mortgage is paid for thankfully.

Some lawyers offer a free 30 minute consultation sounds like you have had enough x

80skid · 02/09/2023 20:24

Who's the adult in this relationship? By silent treatment, I suspect you mean "sulk".

Your child is learning about relationships. Is this what you want for them? Being emotionally punished for behaviour which isn't desirable? I thought the idea was that when teens inevitably f*ck up that they feel safe to tell the parents so they can help as appropriate? This isn't a relationship which encourages safe and honest communication.

80skid · 02/09/2023 20:25

Feverly · 01/09/2023 08:51

It sickens m to read of kids being abused as I was. Your kids shouldn't need to be 'strong' in their home, they're meant to be kept safe, FFS.
You're both teaching your kids that men are to be pandered to, fawn to appease the angry male, put the man before your kids, walk on eggshells, get that cortisol flooding their developing bodies and brains.
Send them off into the world angry, zero self worth, and primed to find a bloke to treat them like their father.

Come on, do better.

This. 💯

80skid · 02/09/2023 20:31

I'm sorry I hadn't reached the end of the thread.

Huge respect for wanting better for your daughter and demonstrating that it's not ok to be bullied.
I'm sending you all the positive thoughts and strength. Perhaps some therapy (solo/joint) will resolve the communication issues. Perhaps your marriage is over. Either way, you and your daughter deserve better, whether that is through self improvement, being alone or a new relationship.

You can do this.

Feverly · 02/09/2023 21:39

Never do joint therapy with an abuser. OPs focus needs to be on divorcing the abuser and starting her kids on the long journey to deal with their trauma.