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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment

76 replies

connie26 · 01/09/2023 04:10

DH is giving DD 15 the silent treatment because he found out she had tried vapes - he found two in the house (ones that I had taken off her months ago and forgot to throw out - could kick myself). She doesn't vape anymore and I've explained this to him. She's tried to apologise and bought him some chocolate but he just grunted. He's now been moody since last Sunday and although DD is taking it in her stride, I'm worried it will start to affect her.
He's prone to moodiness when things don't go well and there are other things worrying him at the moment which adds to it all but I am at the end of my tether with him. I've had 30 years of this shit on and off. When I try to talk to him, he'll often turn it into 'oh, it's my fault is it' and shut himself off again.
I'm going to lose it with him very soon.

OP posts:
aLnik · 01/09/2023 08:01

I want to read and again I hear your voice but it sounds different in this post.
Do you regret staying? Even if you never found anyone else do you think you would have been happier throughout the years without HIM?
You said they're stronger than you. Do you wish you had been stronger by leaving?

aLnik · 01/09/2023 08:12

It's discouraging to hear he is prone to moodiness and when one thing steps out of perfect or don't go the way he planned. Because this is where I am only 30 years behind. I am not judging you as my relationship is 3 years with a new baby 7m and for US/ME I haven't felt loved in a long while and we haven't been together that long for me to feel this way. I can accept who he is and live truly happy but I don't know how to be in a home and not feel loved. Name calling, rude immature OMG IMMATURE comments...laughably immature...he wakes up the next morning with I love you and good morning baby but it's not acceptable anymore. Even when I do leave and go home to my mom...i just don't know how to break the cycle or maybe I do and subconsciously won't admit it however our love was just embarrassingly splattered all over the home and cheeks were always glowing. If I can't have that back then I can't stay. It's decision time.

Mycatisthebestever · 01/09/2023 08:30

I was raised by a mother like this and it has taken me about 60 years to realise the effect it had on me. I always had to submerge my true thoughts and feelings in case it was my turn to be the one who was in the doghouse. Of course I didn't know that at the time. It was therapy that made me realise this. I am now able to talk about how I feel or want or think. It is a horrible and abusive way to treat people.

aLnik · 01/09/2023 08:39

I appreciate you very much for commenting from the "other side"
Its not easy admitting you need to change I've done this in many different ways but if you were who I'm speaking of...neither one of us could never know you would reach this place. Does that make sense? Thanks for sharing that with me

AgathaX · 01/09/2023 08:42

OP you say your girls are stronger than you but how do you know this? Do you talk to them honestly about the effect this has on you, and will have on them? The girl being targeted currently has resorted to bribery to try to get her dad to talk to her. That's just not healthy and not is it a sign of a girl who is strong and coping well with this.
Don't deny the effect this will have had on them, and is still having. Yes you should have probably left years ago, or at least addressed it head on, but it's not too late now. Please don't just stand there watching him abuse them and do nothing.

Feverly · 01/09/2023 08:51

It sickens m to read of kids being abused as I was. Your kids shouldn't need to be 'strong' in their home, they're meant to be kept safe, FFS.
You're both teaching your kids that men are to be pandered to, fawn to appease the angry male, put the man before your kids, walk on eggshells, get that cortisol flooding their developing bodies and brains.
Send them off into the world angry, zero self worth, and primed to find a bloke to treat them like their father.

Come on, do better.

hellinahandcart700 · 01/09/2023 08:52

Leave the man child.

HamishTheCamel · 01/09/2023 08:56

connie26 · 01/09/2023 07:44

Thank you. When we are happy, which is most of the time, it's lovely but... there is always that knowledge that when things go tits up, as they do from time to time, my world is not pleasant. Nothing physical but he closes up and can barely talk. I know he is like this at work too. Eventually he comes round when he decides to talk about it or has had enough sulky time. My girls are stronger than me, I think because they have each other and have a lot of confidence.
If I was going to leave, I should've done it a long time ago.

Why? Why would it have to have been a long time ago? Why do you have to stay now just because you didn't leave 10 years ago?

I'm not saying you have to leave right now. Especially as I guess your DDs will be in the thick of GCSEs and A levels for the next few years. I'm just saying that there's no logic in saying you can't leave now because you didn't in the past. You can still choose happiness.

Mandyintheskywithdiamonds · 01/09/2023 09:02

connie26 · 01/09/2023 04:25

I don't know how to leave him - where to start and what affect it would have on DDs

You are suffering abuse OP.

Just because he's not hitting you doesn't mean it's not abuse.

Please speak to Women's Aid and they will give you the advice you need

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

Catsafterme · 01/09/2023 09:21

Silent treatment is awful to experience, it does cause anxiety, stress and having years of silent treatment can turn your head inside out and make you ill, a shell of a person.

The fact that you are kicking yourself for not throwing them out says it all. You shouldn't have to be thinking like that or preempting things in order to avoid some form of fallout.

londonmummy1966 · 01/09/2023 09:31

When I try to talk to him, he'll often turn it into 'oh, it's my fault is it' and shut himself off again.

Try turning round and saying -yes it is there's been a horrible atmosphere in the house for days now and it is all down to your sulking like a two year old. Suggest he looks to his daughter for an example of how to act like a grown up - apologise and move on.

Best way to deal with a sulker is how you would deal with a sulky toddler - a few bright and cheerful comments their way - then if there's no response an equally cheerful comment along the lines of "No? still not talking" and brightly say to your DDs "Oh dear dads still sulking, better leave him to it - shall we go and do x y z?" and leave the room.

yellowsmileyface · 01/09/2023 10:17

I feel sorry for your daughters. When I was their age my mum's partner who lived with us was horribly moody. It made the home environment so uncomfortable.

I don't think my mum realised at the time how much it was affecting me. I didn't exactly go up to her and say "hey, mum, this is really affecting me". I don't think even I realised. It wasn't until I was an adult, and ended up with my own moody fucker that I realised I'd internalised it all as being normal. I thought it was normal to be walking on eggshells all the time.

It really bothers me when I see mothers justifying their situation by saying "it doesn't seem to bother them too much. They're very strong and confident", because my mum probably would have said the same about me.

I know it's not easy to leave, and honestly yes it probably will disrupt your DDs lives in the moment, but in the long run you'll be showing them that that behaviour is not acceptable. Your eldest is already internalising it, as she felt a need to buy him chocolate in an attempt to placate him. Do you want her doing the same for her boyfriend in the future?

I'm sorry if my post seems harsh. It really isn't my intent to attack you. I just don't want you to underestimate the incredibly damaging effect this abusive behaviour is having on your DDs.

Msbluebozooka · 01/09/2023 10:24

londonmummy1966

Exactly this. It shows that you are strong, that you respect yourself and you won't tolerate this pathetic child like behaviour anymore.

SuffolkUnicorn · 01/09/2023 10:42

My mum did this to me from the age of 3
the days turned into weeks months then years she used to walk with her back to me it’s torture they know what they are doing why are you allowing this to happen to your child? And yourself

SuffolkUnicorn · 01/09/2023 10:44

Feverly · 01/09/2023 08:51

It sickens m to read of kids being abused as I was. Your kids shouldn't need to be 'strong' in their home, they're meant to be kept safe, FFS.
You're both teaching your kids that men are to be pandered to, fawn to appease the angry male, put the man before your kids, walk on eggshells, get that cortisol flooding their developing bodies and brains.
Send them off into the world angry, zero self worth, and primed to find a bloke to treat them like their father.

Come on, do better.

This with bells on

Mary46 · 01/09/2023 12:03

Had my mother do this op. Its crap. Moods could go days if not her own way. They dont change. Its not nice

AgathaX · 01/09/2023 15:53

They dont change. Its not nice - it's really horrible and damaging. As adults, people who've grown up in this type of environment are at such a disadvantage.

ThriceInALifetime · 01/09/2023 16:20

My DH is prone to moods, several years ago he gave me the silent treatment for something that was admittedly my fault.
I had apologised and he continued to ignore me for a few days, there was a horrible atmosphere in the house in front of the kids.
Eventually I told him if he couldn't stand being in the same house as me, he could leave, told him to go. He was quite shocked, he basically doesn't really have anywhere else to go, both his parents are dead and he never sees his sister, not that she would let him stay anyway.
He snapped out of it after that. He is still moody at times, not as bad as before but I just don't put up with it or ignore it.
Interesting about people saying about fawning over a man to keep them happy, I have done this in the past.
I grew up in a house with two parents arguing and shouting at each other, always worried about the next argument.
I'm really bad at confrontation and dealing with difficult situations which I think stems from this as I hate the screaming and shouting and usually back down which I'm trying to deal with even in my 50s. I have let people away with things like not talking etc instead of dealing with it due to avoiding confrontation.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 01/09/2023 16:33

My DH is prone to this and it used to upset me when we were younger. Nowadays as soon as I think he's going into a sulk I literally tell him to fucking pack it in! That usually shocks him out of it. In his case it's very much learned behaviour, his DPs could ignore each other for weeks, I wasn't going to put up with that.

Bonbon21 · 01/09/2023 16:45

It is never too late to leave someone who shows no respect for you.
It is never too late to leave someone who makes you tiptoe around for fear of upsetting them.
It is never too late to show your daughters that this silent treatment is unacceptable in a relationship and YOU are strong enough to draw a line and start again. Because if you show you can, if will give them the strength to do the same should they ever require to.
Or you can stay for another 30 years and just suck it up.
Shame.

Mmhmmn · 01/09/2023 16:55

connie26 · 01/09/2023 04:25

I don't know how to leave him - where to start and what affect it would have on DDs

Tell him you are really unhappy and you don't see a future for you as a couple if he doesn't sort out his behaviour.

You simply will not have another 30 years like the last 30. You don't need to spell out what he's doing wrong - he knows perfectly well what he 's doing. It's up to him to pull his socks up and improve generally if he wants to keep you.
Note. Even if he does improve this doesn't mean you can't decide you've had enough anyway!

Mmhmmn · 01/09/2023 17:00

Newnamehiwhodis · 01/09/2023 04:56

And she is now learning to fawn on any man who is grumpy with her. It’s a horrible thing for her to learn. :(
I grew up with this too, thinking sulky behavior was my fault, and I had abusive relationships until therapy taught me differently.

he is actually damaging her.

I would not, could not, live with this abusive man. I’m so sorry, OP

Totally agree with this.
She doesn't need to be buying him chocolate to get him to come round. If he feels so bloody strongly about it, why doesn't he talk to her about why - like an adult parent would. Poor DD. She's just trying stuff out as is normal for her age.

Make sure to tell her she does not need to try to appease this behaviour. It's a slippery slope to her accepting similar in her future relationships.

junebirthdaygirl · 01/09/2023 17:04

Just completely ignore him. Act like you don't even know he is sulking. Put some music on. Sing along to yourself while you are folding the washing. Go out for tea with your 2 dds and come back laughing and chatting. He shouldn't gain one inch from his stupid sulking.

Mummykins54 · 01/09/2023 17:52

@connie26 this is called stone walling and a grown man is doing this to his children? I have been stone walled by my husband - we are going through a very acrimonious divorce - walked on egg shells for years. And to stand by and watch him do this to your lovely 15 year old? No get out now. I was with this man for over 25 years and he almost destroyed me x

Thelonelygiraffe · 01/09/2023 18:19

TibetanTerrah · 01/09/2023 04:15

You should have lost it with him years ago.

Maybe start with 'Just fyi, the silent treatment is abusive. If you're so emotionally stunted that you're unable to use your words like a big boy, here's a bag, and there's the door.'

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