Husband struggles with change and challenge

[AnnieG1986]

Does anyone have experience supporting a partner who struggles with what I might consider as 'normal' adult challenges? Recent triggers include a boiler leak, a small patch of damp in our rental property, a journey, or a minor illness in our pet, which can lead to him retching into the toilet, losing weight due to anxiety and in certain cases becoming paralysed to take action. We have also moved house recently and whilst I appreciate that this can be a hugely stressful event I ended up doing 90% of the work: for example, he didn't like having boxes around him and the limbo state (totally understandable but unfortunately that's just part of moving house). He has said that during this current difficult period he relies on my mood to keep him going so I feel pressure to be always positive (and I confess I don't always succeed).

He has been having counselling for anxiety for several years which is great, but whilst there is progress I'm not sure how much significant change there has been. He has said on several occasions that he wants a simple / easy life and to have certainty. Unfortunately real life just isn't like that. For several years, exacerbated by lockdown, he has also been spending what I might consider excessive time on 'virtual' hobbies such as computer games, model painting, online chat forums, which have detached him from the real world to an extent and have strained our relationship due to me carrying the vast majority of the practical and emotional load.

It's clearly horrible for him and he is really trying to manage the situation (and has so many other positive attributes) so I feel awful for feeling frustrated by it. I just worry what happens when life throws us bigger (and inevitable) curve balls in the future such as parental illness, financial difficulties, or if I became ill for whatever reason. I want to feel like we can address these together as a couple and at present I often feel isolated and alone.

What would he do if he were single?
He needs to grow up. You need to be a team.

He understands life is rarely simple does he not?

Honestly OP, if my partner left me to do 90% of a house move and made it so I had to be upbeat about it, he could have his certain single life.

He's not going to cope is he, with anything. He has found you to carry the life load so he can play online and you will sort everything else out. This is worse, for you, than being alone surely.

He needs dragging to the GP for some medication. Counselling clearly isn't working, but it's a good excuse to say "but I am trying I go to counseling" where he possibly just naval gazes and gets told "there there"

Honestly after that house move I would make an ultimatum, get sorted however or you are on your own.

He's wetter than a fish's wet bits.

I know where you're coming from. This is a real mental health issue and I don't think he'll be persuaded to "snap out of it", or get better just by taking on more tasks.

At the root of this kind of life avoidance and anxiety is fear. What do you think he's afraid of, deep down?

How would he react if you suggested counselling or therapy? You could go together if he found the prospect too daunting on his own.

It's not fair on you , partners should be equal you shouldn't have to carry him. It will end up taking a toll on your mental health.

I would urge him to see his G.P and get some medication for his anxiety as the counselling he's receiving obviously isnt enough. Certainty in life is one thing we can't be certain of! Also he is putting pressure on you to be positive and relying on your mood to keep him stable which is obviously unfair and untenable long term.

He needs to go to gp
See a psychiatrist
Take meds
Change therapist etc
All on him
You are not any of those and you cannot fix him he has to want to help himself and to get help
Dont have kids with him except on basis you accept will be alone

Any chance he’s neurodiverse OP? Finding change and challenges unusually difficult, wanting certainty and escapism can be a sign of ASD (I have two autistic children).

He needs a different therapist for a start. And a GP appointment. This is deeply unfair on you OP. I think you need to insist he's far more proactive in seeking help. There's no incentive for him to do so while you're accepting the carer/mum role.

you can do nothing and the more you do the less he needs to try

he needs to go to a GP, take meds, change therapist, actually start using some of the techniques from therapy and dealing with those everyday issues on his own - you can do nothing for him

What did he do before you got together?

If this is life long and it could be. You'll need to choose whether this is it or leave. It might be tricky to have kids with someone like this.

I couldn't be on a team with someone who retches into the toilet at any minor crisis. I take my hats off to those who can but it's bad enough with my SN kids.

I also would recommend an assessment for possible ASD. It depends though on if this has always been his behaviour or there has been a recent change. If more recent then there could be some other related event or source, or even something like early onset Dementia.

Not all therapists are trained to deal with neurodiverse people.

Yanbu to want to be able to depend on your husband sometimes. I can imagine how tiring it is to be seen as the cure when you can't fix everything for him.

Nobody wants drama but shit happens and he needs to work out coping mechanisms so you don't burn out. What would he do if you were in hospital for example ? If you have kids then they need to see their parents mutually supporting each other or you risk them being in relationships where they continually rescue the other person or expect to be rescued all the time. Resilience is important but your kids need to spot when no is the right answer too.

He has said that during this current difficult period he relies on my mood to keep him going so I feel pressure to be always positive (and I confess I don't always succeed).

This bit is completely, entirely and totally unreasonable of him. You are his wife, not his emotional support animal!!! Does he recognise that you are a real person on your own right and don't exist simply in relation to him? It doesn't sound like he does.

As your husband he ought to be doing whatever he can to prevent his anxiety having too much of an impact on you. It is HIS responsibility to manage his own mental health.

he is really trying to manage the situation

Is he? How so?

My DH with similar issues was diagnosed with autism recently.

Thank you so much, everyone - didn't expect such a supportive response. This is indeed a mental health issue and for that reason I have been feeling shitty because I find it difficult and am not always as supportive as I feel I should be. He goes up and down (in a big way) but this morning it was a hairline crack he'd spotted in the bathroom wall of our rented accommodation last night, which meant that he didn't sleep properly and was too anxious to eat, nausea etc.

I broke down in tears at work recently because of the accumulated tension (my job is new and demanding as well). He has agreed to look into CBT and consider an alternative therapist and is making an effort to get out of the house more. A lot of this seems to stem from the fact that he hated feeling that he had no autonomy when he was at school (he's 38 now). We've talked about the fact that children and teenagers don't have sufficient maturity to have total autonomy.

Squiblet - you're right and I've asked him this directly. He says that he fears things going wrong that he can't control (essentially, real life).

To those who suggested investigating neurodiversity: his cousin had already wondered about this. He doesn't seem to display many indicators but I'm not an expert here. I'm not sure it's the right time to raise it though.

OP, I can feel sympathy for him as he is clearly struggling. But unfortunately, mental health issues are not a reason to emotionally abuse your partner, or be controlling. And that is what he is doing - he is making you change or adapt your emotions, actions, and responses to support him. And unfortunately, as is always the case in controlling relationships, nothing you do will ever be enough.

I would second all the other posters - therapy is not working. He needs to take a much more proactive and dynamic approach. if that feels overwhelming for him, then perhaps you can help if he agrees that you will make appointments and he has to attend and then follow the advice etc. I'd be looking for a psychiatrist who can assess for neurodiversity and/or advice on where to go and who could also prescribe medication for anxiety/ADHD etc. It may be that he needs additional or alternative therapy as well.

Do not consider having children with this man until things are better.

This sounds very stressful for you, it is not fair that you are expected to absorb all the effort and negativity to “spare” him. Being too nauseous to eat after a small issue sounds very extreme. What does he do for work OP? Surely he must encounter situations there that are unpredictable or challenging for him.

I speak as someone who has supported a spouse through several episodes of depression/stress/burnout ultimately leading to early ill health retirement. For a long time there were no steps to help themselves but I was so busy doing everything and managing the kids I couldn’t see the woods for the trees. In all honesty I wish I had found the strength to split up with him but ironically I was too busy.

Also suggest not having kids with him until he has sought more help. It all becomes so much more complicated when kids are in the mix, sleepless nights that’ll be you, toilet training accidents or vomit that’ll be you, having to mix with strangers at kids parties arrange swimming lessons and activities that’ll be you. I may be projecting here 🤣🤣

Thank you again. He is a software developer and works from home, for a company. He is very skilled at his job but doesn't have many of the common 'work stuff' like dealing with customers or members of the public, budget pressures, hard deadlines, managing other people or stakeholder stuff. When he had to work with a particular colleague who is 'difficult' (read less skilled, a bit slower, maybe not so emotionally intelligent) he again felt very anxious. He is relatively bored at work and that feeds into the wider problems. This costs me to say but I simply don't think he has had enough life experience or necessity to sort shit out to help things settle into perspective.

We have decided not to have children: for me this is purely for environmental reasons (many people don't agree with this but it's right for me). It's been a long process of coming to terms with it but now I am more or less at peace with the decision. I otherwise have a lovely life with a fulfilling and stimulating job, lots of friends, interests etc.

You obviously have endless amounts of compassion and patience, but sadly this is likely enabling his childish lifestyle. CBT should have helped him, but he’s obviously choosing not to use the skills he’s learning.

Sounds typical of ASD to me - easily over whelmed, anxiety, difficulty with change and transitions, hobbies that don't involve any real life interactions, wanting a simple life ie not having to try to fit into an NT world, probably happier and more comfortable during lockdown.

I'm not sure why you think he doesn't show many indications? If could understand why he is the way he is it might really help him. That's my experience anyway. Is he close to his cousin? If you don't feel comfortable bringing it up then I wonder if his cousin would?

Also software developer is such a stereotypically ASD job that you couldn't make it up! - and the intolerance of people less skilled is again very typical IME.

I can relate to your DH’s behaviours and I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive type). I find myself ‘masking’ at work and generally outside the home, but fall apart and can’t keep it together at home. I’ve had countless counselling sessions over the years but was being treated for the wrong thing - the symptoms of depression and/or anxiety rather than coping with neurodiversity causing burnout/low self-esteem etc.

How is he a partner? He leaves nearly everything to you and you're not allowed to express your completely reasonable emotions. This is very controlling.

You sound so kind and patient but he’s not capable of being a good partner to you when he’s acting like this