Husband struggles with change and challenge

[AnnieG1986]

Does anyone have experience supporting a partner who struggles with what I might consider as 'normal' adult challenges? Recent triggers include a boiler leak, a small patch of damp in our rental property, a journey, or a minor illness in our pet, which can lead to him retching into the toilet, losing weight due to anxiety and in certain cases becoming paralysed to take action. We have also moved house recently and whilst I appreciate that this can be a hugely stressful event I ended up doing 90% of the work: for example, he didn't like having boxes around him and the limbo state (totally understandable but unfortunately that's just part of moving house). He has said that during this current difficult period he relies on my mood to keep him going so I feel pressure to be always positive (and I confess I don't always succeed).

He has been having counselling for anxiety for several years which is great, but whilst there is progress I'm not sure how much significant change there has been. He has said on several occasions that he wants a simple / easy life and to have certainty. Unfortunately real life just isn't like that. For several years, exacerbated by lockdown, he has also been spending what I might consider excessive time on 'virtual' hobbies such as computer games, model painting, online chat forums, which have detached him from the real world to an extent and have strained our relationship due to me carrying the vast majority of the practical and emotional load.

It's clearly horrible for him and he is really trying to manage the situation (and has so many other positive attributes) so I feel awful for feeling frustrated by it. I just worry what happens when life throws us bigger (and inevitable) curve balls in the future such as parental illness, financial difficulties, or if I became ill for whatever reason. I want to feel like we can address these together as a couple and at present I often feel isolated and alone.

Again thank you so much for the thoughtful replies. The current anxiety seems to boil down to not feeling safe in our new home because of the hairline crack / small patch of damp / apparently slightly wonky windows (in fact our home is beautiful and spacious and I think we are really lucky to be able to rent it) which he catastrophises as the house subsiding / going to fall down / force us to move out. He says home is usually a safe space for him but he doesn't feel that now, though emphasises that he recognises I've worked hard to make it homely etc after the move and that it's his problem. I feel like such a shitty person for feeling (and occasionally showing) that these are minor issues because of course they are very real fears to him.

After a long chat with his cousin I gently introduced the neurodiversity idea and he says that he probably wouldn't want to know either way and that he doesn't think it would help him. The latest advice from his counsellor is to take time just to 'be' without doing anything so that he can start to feel more comfortable with his thoughts. He is starting to do more of the housework which is brilliant and much appreciated but I am concerned that this advice - whilst well intentioned and potentially helpful - might mean that I carry most of the load again.... I mean I wish I could take time just to be but no time sadly. I'm starting to feel stressed and my work pressures and challenges from my new job aren't helping.

Just be so careful to adequately care for yourself since in my experience providing emotional support to a partner can really mount up and cause a form of burnout if it happens over an extended period.

It's important not to feel that you have a responsibility for his feelings - those are his to deal with and he also needs to find outlets outside the relationship even if it's difficult for him to make friends.

Remember you can leave a relationship for any reason, if it's not working for you any more that is also okay.

I took some time to myself to "be" yesterday. A one hour yoga class.

With all due respect, this counsellor seems to be enabling him. Or, when you hear things 2nd hand you aren't getting the full story.

Having been through something similar - it only gets worse after having kids and with age, as there are so many more demands on you, things to fear, social interactions that can't be skipped. It's a huge and growing load for you as a partner.

If you love each other and want to work it through, and have money or family support to ensure you can cope in tough times, that can be great. If not, and especially if you want a family I would be thinking really really hard about how this might work or not for you.

I came on here to suggest ASD too but can see several other posters have too.

He sounds so like my Dad it's unbelievable! My dad has never been diagnosed but it dawned on me gradually after one of my children was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and the assessor noted that I also showed traits. (I since got a diagnosis of ADHD. Didn't seek one for ASD because it wouldn't change anything for me now and I'm happy to accept I'm likely on the spectrum.)

My Dad behaves very like your husband. He fixates and agonises over certain issues (some very minor) but some other seemingly more significant ones he doesn't seem to notice at all! He took early retirement from his job (the only one he'd ever had) in his early 50s as a new system was introduced and he couldn't cope with the idea of it. He's got through life OK because my mum has massively facilitated him although he doesn't acknowledge that. He's also quite volatile emotionally and she is his "emotional support animal" but he is completely intolerant of displays of emotion/distress from others as he can't cope with it.

He gets upset and agitated about anything changing, even getting a new carpet when the old one had holes in. It took months for my mum to persuade him and even then he sighed and muttered for weeks after that he preferred the old one.

When they had their house repointed he got all anxious about the brick dust on the driveway and would sweep it up every night with a dustpan and brush. (The builders hosed it all down on the last day but he couldn't cope with the interim stage.) But he could totally ignore dust and mess inside the house and never touch the dustpan otherwise!

Mum persuaded him to go on holiday a handful of times (mainly for the benefit of us kids) but he'd get all anxious and agitated beforehand and then mope on the holiday saying he'd rather be at home in the garden.

Do any of these sound familiar? If so please try to persuade him to pursue a diagnosis. It won't change "him" but he'll be supported to develop better coping strategies which will lighten the load on you. Don't end up like my mum whose whole life revolves around managing things for him.

"I couldn't be on a team with someone who retches into the toilet at any minor crisis."

I thought they meant the ill animal retches in the toilet

My very good friend sounds to share a lot of the same anxieties, struggles and every normal glitch in life - waiting for hours for a call-centre phone to be answered, a tradesperson not showing up, an update on his phone changing the layout he is familiar with etc. He had a very abusive and traumatic childhood and has ADHD (no formal diagnosis but he 100% has so many signs he has to have it).

He is a lovely person but this fear and inability to cope with everyday life, absolutely has wrecked his life. He wanted us to be in a relationship, but I couldn’t live with him. I am very patient and understanding but he is exhausting to be around. He exhausts himself too 😔.

Have you tried being firmer rather than being endlessly understanding, helpful? I try to help DF try to get a sense of perspective when he is going on about a long wait for a phone call or a bus being late. I’ve told him I’ve listened to enough negativity now and can he stop complaining. He does check himself then. I’ve told him these things don’t just happen to him - only the very wealthy who have PAs to do all the daily tedious life work , get to avoid it.

Sounds exactly like ASD
My husband gets very stresstes about change too and bexomes snappy/ irritable and hyper

@AnnieG1986 your partner's reactions to challenges are very similar to my ex's. I wondered if he was ND and all the rest but it turned out to be purely not being able to cope with the loss of control. You saying your partner felt he had no autonomy at school really resonated.

It sounds like your partner has more issues than just the loss of control/autonomy thing but the end result is the same - you are the one having to deal with everything while your partner nurses his issues. If it's bad enough for you to be posting about it, something needs doing

This sounds really tough in you, OP. He doesn't want to know if he's ND...and what about you and what you need? He seems very wrapped up in his own needs to even contemplate you have some yourself!

As others have said, these traits are only likely to become more entrenched as he gets older. This might mean more and more reliance on you. I wonder if you should consider if that's a role you want to have. Personally, I find a man that needs "mothering" very unattractive but I guess we're all different.

The catastrophizing sounds like he may have OCD, doesn’t always respond well to CBT but meds can help massively. Recommend a visit to the GP.

Hope people don't mind me reopening this post. DH's mental health has continued to deteriorate over the past few weeks. He is finding it hard to get up some mornings and starts most days by trying to throw up in the loo. He is now started on medication and has a new counsellor so thank you to those who encouraged that. Very hopeful that will help even though he remains uninterested to explore the neurodiversity angle. I'm just unsure where the boundary should lie between being patient, supportive and understanding of mental health problems and frustration that the smallest things send him into a severe anxiety / panic / depression / dry heaving spiral. Recent issues include a train journey to a wedding, an issue with bleeding a radiator, worry that house is cold. He is still talking about finding it difficult to get used to the fact the shops are different on the main road compared to where we used to live 2-3 months after house move. It is slowly chipping away at me.

Hello OP,
I read your update.
All in all, it sounds like a really difficult situation!
Good that he is getting some help, but the whole situation still sounds really tough for you.

I hope someone here have some more concrete advice.

I'm thinking of you, OP! I really hope things will get better for you and your family.

Who is suporting you op?
Csn you leave him alone for a weekend and get a break ? Or
Is there a chance he can go elsewhere for respite? With friends or family? Voluntary admission to a ward ??

That's an awful lot of pressure on you, my lovely.

@AnnieG1986 massive squishes. I don’t know how you do it. Long term I couldn’t cope with constantly walking on egg shells and having to be the supportive positive person keeping the relationship/home/life/environment upbeat and running.

at what point do you get to put yourself first.

you may love him but what if you were told for each year carrying and coddling this man through normal adult life - the stress will take 5 years of your life. Is it still worth it? Are you really living or just existing and tip toing around?

no progress in over 5 years. Going on for a decade of this. Where is your future? What will the two of you in the house be like when you both retire. I feel trapped just reading about your life.

do you love him like a partner? Or has this also slipped into a caring role? Are you with him now out of habit and due to time and effort invested in this relationship?

Why are you still together?

Wheres your therapy? where’s your break from all this?

I don’t mean to sound harsh. Maybe it’s a little tough love?

OP this sounds unbearable. You're an incredible person for persevering this long.

You don't have to keep going. Just because someone has mental health issues doesn't mean you need to support them indefinitely.

You matter as well.

How is your emotional health these days?

This sounds so difficult, OP. 💐
I can understand his feelings to a certain extent as I’m diagnosed with GAD. In my case, I suspect it’s partly genetic and partly caused by childhood trauma. I’m glad to hear that he’s now having both counseling and taking medication-based on my own experience, counseling alone wasn’t enough.

Truthfully, he’ll only start to improve when he takes control of his anxiety and stops relying on you so much.
Mine wasn’t as severe as your DH’s and it’s been under control for a while now. I never meant on my DH to the same extent though and I’m concerned for you, as propping someone else up is very wearing.
it could prevent you from doing what you want with your life. My Mum propped my Dad up for years (he has lifelong MH problems), then my SM did it after Mum died, and guess what, I’m propping him up now.

I hope that your DH is at a turning point; take care of yourself as well and if you need to get away/perhaps have a few days with your family/a friend, do it. Your DH needs to understand that you deserve some rest too.

He needs to see a doctor.

Forget the talk therapy. He needs medication.

Is he taking meds?
Agree with above get him seen and on meds if he is not already

Ah see he has started medication . That should kick in.

Hi OP.

This is a lot on your shoulders. If you are sure you want to go forward and support him in life, you might have to reduce demands on him to almost zero.

DH, whilst nowhere near as ‘bad’ as your DH, is very demand avoidant and carries none of the mental load. It’s hard. I’d love to take the kids away more etc., but he’d rather be fussing around at home. He at least does see the need to ‘do’ stuff. (DS1 is ASD/ADHD, DH undiagnosed).

In terms of an assessment, might your husband be able to raise this with the GP, with your support? It might help him gain self-acceptance, at least.

Surely there comes a time when you’re actually not helping though.
Anything you have done up till now hasn’t worked, if anything it’s made him worse.
I think it becomes enabling after a while.

Exactly what I was going to say. People saying he needs to grow up etc, perhaps he is ND and not diagnosed like many

This is exactly what my DS (autistic) is like. We have workmen in at the moment and it's doing his nut in. Pacing, not eating, constantly asking when it will be over. It will take him months to get over it.
Much love OP. I think if he won't get a diagnosis you need to treat him as if he is autistic and have a serious think about whether you can cope if he never changes. If it is autism he won't. I think easier for me as DS is my child so not loving him and looking after him isn't an option.