Husband struggles with change and challenge

[AnnieG1986]

Does anyone have experience supporting a partner who struggles with what I might consider as 'normal' adult challenges? Recent triggers include a boiler leak, a small patch of damp in our rental property, a journey, or a minor illness in our pet, which can lead to him retching into the toilet, losing weight due to anxiety and in certain cases becoming paralysed to take action. We have also moved house recently and whilst I appreciate that this can be a hugely stressful event I ended up doing 90% of the work: for example, he didn't like having boxes around him and the limbo state (totally understandable but unfortunately that's just part of moving house). He has said that during this current difficult period he relies on my mood to keep him going so I feel pressure to be always positive (and I confess I don't always succeed).

He has been having counselling for anxiety for several years which is great, but whilst there is progress I'm not sure how much significant change there has been. He has said on several occasions that he wants a simple / easy life and to have certainty. Unfortunately real life just isn't like that. For several years, exacerbated by lockdown, he has also been spending what I might consider excessive time on 'virtual' hobbies such as computer games, model painting, online chat forums, which have detached him from the real world to an extent and have strained our relationship due to me carrying the vast majority of the practical and emotional load.

It's clearly horrible for him and he is really trying to manage the situation (and has so many other positive attributes) so I feel awful for feeling frustrated by it. I just worry what happens when life throws us bigger (and inevitable) curve balls in the future such as parental illness, financial difficulties, or if I became ill for whatever reason. I want to feel like we can address these together as a couple and at present I often feel isolated and alone.

OP, do you need to leave this relationship? There's just such a big, wide world to explore and enjoy out there.

In my experience as ageing happens, anxiety shrinks the world for people. Unless you're really happy in this situation don't waste a second of this little time that we all have.

I do apologise if I've been too frank here.

Thank you so much to everyone, this is such a support to me. We have been to GP today and have propranolol and sleeping pills, and a plan to test for thyroid issues (though GP thought not very likely). I gently mentioned ND/ASD and GP seemed unsurprised, suggesting we investigate it once this current crisis has passed. So that is positive.

I'm not happy at the moment but I think few would be in this situation. I have a senior and fulfilling role in international scientific programme management and will be travelling to Africa next week for ten days. I am looking forward to this and I am trying really hard to still live my life with work, exercise and outside interests as I am absolutely someone who embraces opportunity and seeks new experiences to make the most of life. This comes at the expense of a certain level of intimacy and closeness with DH as I am indeed in a carer role and have to start to detach a bit emotionally in order to look after myself and maintain my sense of self. I'm managing quite well most of the time but I will have the occasional breakdown in tears. I have started to imagine what life could be like if we were to separate but it is still too early to think about this properly. I have had MH problems in the past and DH has supported me, which I remember with gratitude, though it was a different situation.

I think this is all helpful and good. However, I would be quite irritated at his refusal to at least consider ND. The reality is that the tools, medication etc can be better calibrated if you have ALL the info, including what, if any, ND he has. For example, ADHD in adults can look like depression. But, unsurprisingly, anti depressants are less likely to help vs ADHD meds. I also know that ADHD often comes with anxiety.

For something like ASD, I assume, but don't know, that there are specialists who can work with someone with both ASD and mental health problems vs someone who just specialises in mental health.

The problem with mental health vs a physical health problem, is that with a physical health problem, the load of managing your lives and home might well fall on the healthy person, while the person with health challenges focuses on managing/coping with their well being. But with mental health issues it seems to me that too often the healthy person is ALSO somehow expected to manage the ill person's (mental) health as well as everything else. And that is NOT sustainable.

eg - DH has two broken legs, in wheelchair, unable to do much .Lots of pain. I would do all childcare, household tasks etc. Depending on his pain/experience, perhaps I'm also doing all the mental load (if he's coping with pain, he might take that on as he can do it from his wheelchair with the help of a laptop). MAYBE, I have to help him to get in and out of the shower or whatever. But he would still understand what I'm doing, be appreciative and would accept that there might need to be some compromise etc.

DH has severe mental health problems - I'm still doing all the above but on top, am I constantly reassuring him? Do I have to do my best to stay in the house at all times, and if I MUST leave, text him every 10 minutes when I'm out of the house to manage his anxiety? Can I only cook certain meals as other meals are upset him? Do I have to give up using entire floors of the house because he's scared those are unsafe? Do I have to spend time every day sitting and comforting him while he cries? Do I have to be careful about everything I say in case it is taken the wrong way?

It's quite easy to see how supporting someone with mental health very easily slips over into being controlled by someone with mental health problems.

This really resonates with me - DD has ASD and OCD, possibly PTSD as well, and at some stages helping her to manage her mental health definitely has crossed over into her controlling me (or at least trying to).

You sound like you're doing a better job of maintaining other aspects of your life than I have OP, but while as a mum I have a responsibility to support my daughter as well as doing it because I love her, your DH is an adult with whom you are supposed to be in a partnership. He is responsible for himself and while you of course will want to support him, you are also entitled to make the judgement call when the cost to your own mental health simply becomes too high.

Thank you so much everyone. It is good advice to treat DH as though he has ASD until we hopefully explore this further. I think it will help me take things less personally. To those who took a 'tough love' approach you don't need to apologise - it is important and appreciated to hear this. Does anyone have advice about how to remain patient when there is an anxiety and depression spiral about something tiny like a small patch of damp when I have a hundred other bigger problems to face?

I got the book Loving Someone with Anxiety which I found quite validating. I see there's now one called Loving Someone with OCD. There is a bit of a dearth of true support for loved ones (other than, get your loved one to get help) online but there are a few talk forums if you search. If nothing else they may help you feel less alone.

I also found it validating making my own private notes of the themes of his worries, how they changed and recurred over the years. I could see patterns that matched other people's experiences with OCD too.

To help me get through the time until my DH's medication kicked in, I started giving myself specific things to look forward to, that I would do alone and that would give me a complete break. For me it was mainly going to the theatre, which took up my whole attention while I was there so it was impossible to think about his worries, which it's easy to get into a habit of doing.

It is important to take care of your own mental health, it's difficult to see it slipping into the 'unwell' category when compared to your partner's symptoms, but that can easily happen nevertheless.

Most of the guidance for partners with OCD seems to be to answer anxious queries with a calm, "I don't know", and let it just sit there. This may give you feelings of guilt, as if you're treating your partner badly, but it is in fact a loving way to treat someone with OCD. You are modeling for them the appropriate response to unsolvable 'what-if'-type worries. Hard as it feels sometimes, it is important to live your own life as normal as much as possible.

One thing to be aware of, when you get your husband 'back', you may feel unexpected anger along with the relief. This is defensive detachment and is common in scenarios where you feel a partner has been lost to you for a while.

Sorry this advice is a bit scattershot, my memories of that hard time with my husband's OCD are a bit faded. I hope that itself gives you some hope though, as it's because he's been well (on medication) for many years since.