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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you stay mentally strong under long-term pressure?

75 replies

EntirelyFedUp · 31/08/2023 13:31

Name changed for this. I ended my marriage over a year ago because of exH's anger and drink problems. He never accepted the end of the relationship and has made my life very difficult ever since.
We've had a session of mediation but it didn't go well. He says that if I start divorce proceedings he'll make it as difficult and drawn out as possible. I'm giving him until the end of the year to reconsider mediation but, being realistic, I'm heading into a horrible divorce.
I have a full time job, house and three children. Enough money at the moment but legal fees are going to use all my savings.
Generally I'm getting on with life pretty well but sometimes the situation completely overwhelms me and I feel shaky and can't sleep or concentrate.
Does anybody have any advice, wisdom, stories etc about how to get through the next few years with my mental health intact? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Bowbobobo · 31/08/2023 13:38

Go to the GP for some propanolol- it’s great when you feel a spiral coming on, shouldn’t be taken regularly. Also St John’s Wort. And fresh air/exercise. These are what got me through the two or three years of separation and divorce. I didn’t bother with seeking support from other people, too complicated. Good luck!

Octavia64 · 31/08/2023 13:43

Counselling helped me.

I did eventually have breakdown (after the divorce was through).

EntirelyFedUp · 31/08/2023 13:51

I had some counselling after the break up but it was expensive. I'm sorry that you had a breakdown @Octavia64 and I hope you're OK now.

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Octavia64 · 31/08/2023 13:57

EntirelyFedUp · 31/08/2023 13:51

I had some counselling after the break up but it was expensive. I'm sorry that you had a breakdown @Octavia64 and I hope you're OK now.

Much better now thank you. Especially as I no longer need to engage with Ex.

Duloxetine (anti anxiety drug) also helped.

Ultimately I got up each day and did what had to be done.

Now I have time to sit in the garden and enjoy the sun, and you will get there too,

Thehonestybox · 31/08/2023 13:59

What a horrible man, I'm sorry you're going through that. If you think of a nervous breakdown as "a break from your nerves", it's basically your brain forcing you to take a break from long-term pressure. So if you want to prevent breakdown you need to figure out a way of putting those breaks in yourself.

I would put my name down on the NHS counselling waiting list, and in the meantime make sure you take time of work when you can, throw yourself into a mindful hobby like gardening, yoga, crafts, mindfulness group etc.

OriginalUsername2 · 31/08/2023 14:12

The GP can prescribe Sertaline for anxiety.

Mentally, I have told myself I’m playing life on hard mode and basically decided to be a warrior rather than a weakling. Think in terms of determined self-preservation. “Don’t let the bastards get you down” and all that.

Or you can go for a more eye-rolling, relaxed approach - let the ex kick and scream while you ignore it with a relaxed confidence, quietly filling in forms when necessary but being largely unbothered because 1. You got a bad egg out of your life and that’s something to celebrate and 2. You’re too busy enjoying your new life without him

Mindset is everything.

EntirelyFedUp · 31/08/2023 14:33

A big part of what I'm struggling with is the unfairness of the situation. Our finances aren't very complicated and we could easily have a mediated settlement and be civil to each other and move on with our lives.
His family want him to give mediation a proper go too but he's angry to a point that isn't healthy for anybody.

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lululongdog · 31/08/2023 14:39

I've recently been through something fairly similar, and it was tough, there is no denying it...but it does come to an end eventually, and six months after the divorce I feel so, so much better, it was definitely worth it.

The poor concentration is normal, your body is in fight or flight mode so it doesn't bother with detail, and see what sleeping tablets - herbal or stronger - might help. If the kids are old enough for it to be safe, just knocking yourself out once a week so you get some proper rest really helps. And yes, sertraline is very useful for the anxiety spikes, just dulls everything down whilst you get through it.

Get yourself a good solicitor if you haven't already got one and don't bother with mediation again (your ex is just playing games and it's not going to work...plus who'd want to go back with someone who has threatened you as he has?).

The actual process of divorce helped me a lot...just by being a process that had to be followed; I had to make decisions when requested, but the solicitor was in charge of the process (I did a lot of the detail myself to keep fees low, but it still cost thousands. But again, definitely worth it.

Once the process is rolling, build in R&R time for yourself, a mix of with the kids/away from the kids if possible. I went to stay with supportive friends every couple of months, and allowed myself to be looked after (not something I'm used to, it's usually the other way round), and also booked a couple of weekend stays just by myself in a small hotel, just to decompress, read, sleep, have someone else make dinner. Physical exercise is good too, if you can find time/make yourself do it (I struggled with this but when I did it, it really helped), and build in a few treats along the way...rewards for each stage, or each month or whatever you need. Doesn't have to be huge or expensive, a manicure if that's your thing, or a massage, or a book or magazine. I also binge-watched a lot of undemanding TV, stuff that didn't need concentration but looked good and was interesting enough to hold my attention...I started with the entire Poldark catalogue on Netflix and went on from there!

Being overwhelmed is also normal, it is an overwhelming process, even if your ex isn't behaving like a dick (mine did too), so just acknowledge that's what's happening and take a step back, slow things down...there is very little you need to deal with instantly, and when there is your solicitor will let you know. Rest as much as the kids will allow, farm them out to friends or family so you can have a day to yourself on a regular basis, at first to lick your wounds and then, gradually, to start to value as "me time".

Your ex will only be able to delay each stage so much, eventually he will risk being charged with contempt of court (we were heading for this, and I had to threaten that if he didn't fill the paperwork in, I'd be getting the judge to make decisions and he'd be stuck with them). Also, don't sweat the small stuff - my solicitor was initially very concerned about the lack of financial detail from my ex, but (a) I knew what there was would be more-or-less accurate and (b) I got to a point where I just wanted shot of him (he was abusive) and I didn't care whether he won the Lottery, it became much more important to be free.

Best of luck dear @EntirelyFedUp and happy to DM if that would help - letting stuff out rather than ruminating on it (esp as you can't offload to the kids) is a good thing. xx

lululongdog · 31/08/2023 14:42

just read your last post - if finances are that simple then just work it out with your solicitor's help, the finance form is very straightforward, and she can write to him and ask him to fill in his side of things and then if he doesn't you use the threat of court to force him to do it.

If you still have access to any of his paperwork - salary, pensions etc - then make copies of those and then you'll have realistic enough information to base a settlement proposal on. As you say there is no need to make this any worse than necessary, so do what you need to do to get it over with x

EntirelyFedUp · 31/08/2023 15:14

I saw a solicitor and she advised me to try mediation first. The mediator was great and said that we could have up to 12 sessions over a year. I'm still holding out the very faintest of hopes that it could still work so I'm going to give it another couple of months until I go back to the solicitor.
The solicitor told me that it could easily cost us £20,000 each for a contested divorce. It seems so much money to waste when we have dependent children. She was very good, I got a complete breakdown of fees from her and she told me that it'd be a horrible process. I want to be sure I'm at my best before I start it.

OP posts:
EntirelyFedUp · 31/08/2023 15:19

ExH specifically said many times that he's willing to spend any amount of money to drag out a divorce.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 31/08/2023 15:48

It sounds like at the moment he's really angry and wants to punish you.

If you can, it may be worth just going through the mediation process to give him time for his anger to cool down. (Please note, probably not a good idea to do this if you are still in the same house).

Once his anger has cooled down he may be more co-operative, or at least less of an arse.

HolyHeck · 31/08/2023 16:07

EntirelyFedUp · 31/08/2023 15:19

ExH specifically said many times that he's willing to spend any amount of money to drag out a divorce.

This is, or would be, financial abuse. This is the sort of man you are currently attached to. I can understand trying mediation so long as it doesn't prolong the abuse he is willing to direct at you. If he can abuse you during/through the process then surely it's better to get shot of him as soon as possible?

EntirelyFedUp · 31/08/2023 16:26

Thank, everyone, for your kind words. I do realise that exH is abusive and that it's 99% sure that I'm going into a long and vicious divorce. My main concern is getting myself to a point where I can cope with the pressure of the divorce and still have a decent life and enjoy the kids and do my job.
In the first months after the separation I think adrenalin got me through the hard times as there was so much to sort out, eg. he cancelled all our direct debits, insurance etc. Now I'm a bit worn out and needing to get some energy back to fight the next fight.

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HolyHeck · 31/08/2023 16:38

I think grey rock helps a lot of women dealing with abusers. Youtube has lots of advice.

DatingDinosaur · 31/08/2023 16:44

EntirelyFedUp · 31/08/2023 15:19

ExH specifically said many times that he's willing to spend any amount of money to drag out a divorce.

Has he given a logical and rational explanation for what he's hoping to achieve by doing this?

I'm guessing no. Have you asked him? If only to see him struggle to find an explanation that doesn't paint him in a Really Bad Light.

I also wonder if it's just Big Talk on his part, like a poster said above, done to hurt you and when it comes down to it, it won't be half as bad as he's implying.

Personally I'd forget the mediation and take the bull by the horns and prepare for battle. Half the current mental load is this sword of Damocles limbo hanging over you as you wait and hope that mediation will make him see sense. But all the time deep down you know it won't.

Just think, if you start it now, it could be over and done with by the end of the year. It really does sound like you're delaying the inevitable and that's sapping your energy even more. The adrenaline got you through before, it will again.

EntirelyFedUp · 31/08/2023 16:51

@DatingDinosaur he did give a reason, just not a logical one. He says I ruined his life by ending the marriage and he plans to ruin mine. He grew up in a family with a lot of heavy drinking and shouting but nobody ever divorced over it. He can't get his head around the idea that he's getting called on it.

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DatingDinosaur · 31/08/2023 16:57

Ahh, well, yes. He's made himself look like a right tit then hasn't he! And it doesn't sound like you can reason with him.

I still say just crack on with it and get it over with. The longer you leave it, the more fatigued and fed up you'll feel because it's unfinished business until it's finished.

Travelfan2021 · 31/08/2023 17:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Mmhmmn · 31/08/2023 17:11

EntirelyFedUp · 31/08/2023 15:19

ExH specifically said many times that he's willing to spend any amount of money to drag out a divorce.

He sounds quite a piece of work. If you let it lie a bit and waited it out long enough is he likely to drink himself into an early grave? Could spare you all a lot of money and hassle. Sorry to sound so mean but really - can he not at least spare a thought for the impact of a fractious divorce on your kids..

EntirelyFedUp · 31/08/2023 17:21

@Mmhmmn that made me laugh, though it probably shouldn't. The men in his family don't generally make old bones so it's a possibility. His blood pressure must be insane.
@BluebellsForest I just ordered that book. When I was thinking about ending the marriage I read a few self help books and found they helped me put all the unease and everything I was feeling into actions.

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CharlotteBog · 31/08/2023 17:28

In hindsight I wish I had had a better support network in place - friends who I could trust to tell me they could see I was not coping and assist me in getting help before I descended into very unhealthy coping mechanisms.

It's actually not really in my personality to open up to people when I feel very vulnerable though, so I don't know if I would have taken kindly to any interventions.

I guess though, if people show concern about your health and well-being, listen to them and work on prioritising yourself.

I did get lots of support when I did hit rock bottom and am now doing much better and importantly have some great tools to sort myself out when things get too much.

I wish you all the best.

Redlarge · 31/08/2023 17:39

Bowbobobo · 31/08/2023 13:38

Go to the GP for some propanolol- it’s great when you feel a spiral coming on, shouldn’t be taken regularly. Also St John’s Wort. And fresh air/exercise. These are what got me through the two or three years of separation and divorce. I didn’t bother with seeking support from other people, too complicated. Good luck!

Ivr taken propanalol regularly for 7 years. You can take up to 3 a day.

EntirelyFedUp · 31/08/2023 17:44

I'm generally a very private person, I don't often post on social media and I used to keep my problems to myself. I think part of the reason my ExH is so angry is that he liked having the public persona of a really good family guy and he thought I'd quietly go along with the facade forever. It was a terrible environment for kids to grow up in, I wanted better for them.

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