How do you stay mentally strong under long-term pressure?

[EntirelyFedUp]

Name changed for this. I ended my marriage over a year ago because of exH's anger and drink problems. He never accepted the end of the relationship and has made my life very difficult ever since.
We've had a session of mediation but it didn't go well. He says that if I start divorce proceedings he'll make it as difficult and drawn out as possible. I'm giving him until the end of the year to reconsider mediation but, being realistic, I'm heading into a horrible divorce.
I have a full time job, house and three children. Enough money at the moment but legal fees are going to use all my savings.
Generally I'm getting on with life pretty well but sometimes the situation completely overwhelms me and I feel shaky and can't sleep or concentrate.
Does anybody have any advice, wisdom, stories etc about how to get through the next few years with my mental health intact? Thanks in advance.

Does he not care about the kids? Let him calm down for a good while and talk to him about what would be best for your children?
Are you still having to live together?
Have you considered contacting Women's Aid?

Sorry, that was questions and no empathy. I really hope you get through it and he calms down x

I would commence divorce proceedings and get it all over with as soon as possible.

He is never going to come around and be reasonable.

Which ever way you play this, he is going to be combative and will set out to "punish" you.

Be assured that you are not alone. A lot of divorces go like this. (Mine did.) So you might as well take a deep breath and get it over with.

On the upside, you can now get a No Fault divorce which means there is absolutely no point in him trying to contest anything because that option doesn't exist any more. The only element up for "argument" is the settlement, and that will be a matter of objectivity as far as the courts are concerned.

Do please take advice from women's organisations like Women's Aid who know all about angry men and how they try to block divorce actions. Also let your lawyer know that he's going to make things difficult.

Eat well, take regular exercise, see your friends, treat yourself, and hang on in there. There's a much better life waiting for you on the other side of this.

Hi OP I have been in a similar situation. I don’t think the mediation is going to work which I know isn’t what you want to hear. May still be worth a try because the alternative is costly in time money and energy as you know, but if it’s clear you’re not getting anywhere after the first few sessions I would abandon ship. Unfortunately you probably don’t have a choice but to go through this.

I would think very carefully about what battles you want to pick, there are 3 aspects legally to a divorce and they are handled separately which I found confusing at first - child custody issues, finances, and the actual divorce process itself. Prioritise which one of those you will fight to the bitter end of necessary. You will eventually get your divorce I’m sure it’s just a process, but it might take a long time. If you’re not imminently planning on remarrying someone else then I’d start the ball rolling with that and just let the process happen - he probably will frustrate this a bit at the start but I think it’s unlikely that a judge would totally refuse to divorce you given reported abuse and alcohol issues and the fact that you don’t want to be married to him anymore!

Think about what he’s most likely to fight you on too, what battle is he going to pick out of these 3? Even with the threats he has made it will consume his time energy and money too so he’ll eventually get fed up if trying to fight in all 3 fronts. This is what happened with my ex, he eventually saw the light that he was causing himself at least as many problems as he was causing me and kind of gave in on the finances and actual divorce side of things but continued to put his all into the child custody stuff as a method of continued coercive control. I’m pretty sure he got tips and support from Fathers4Justice who are the worst. But it’s actually worth knowing their playbook and strategies so you know how to counter them.

A really good domestic abuse support worker helped me a lot in the initial stages. Maybe Al Anon would be good for support too?

And just make a concerted effort not to let the whole thing consume you, live for the moments between court cases and really try to enjoy the moment especially when it comes to your kids. Be conscious of your goals in life and try to carve out some regular time and space in your schedule with someone who can keep you accountable so that you are making some progress in your own life and not just continually firefighting. Be realistic about your job and working hours etc while you have this fight on your hands. And look after the basics of good nutrition, exercise, sleep and socialising.

We're not living together, thankfully. He does see the kids fairly sporadically and pays a small amount of maintenance but only because I sent him a solicitor's letter requesting it, I think it will be a lot more after court. They never stay overnight with him, by their choice. He never argued to have them overnight because he's out a lot.
At the end of the marriage I told him that I didn't want the kids to hear him shouting at me any more. He said how could it affect them if he wasn't shouting directly at them. I don't think he sees that he's behaving exactly like his father used to.

I wouldn’t continue with mediation if he won’t engage (been there, done that). I can totally understand wanting to avoid the hefty divorce price tag but you need to view it as a ‘getting rid of him’ investment. Letting him mess you about over mediation will only empower him.

For your own sanity you will need to compartmentalise the divorce. I saw a therapist during a stressful period to help me have an outlet. The days that I saw her was when I dealt with the admin of the stressful period. Practice disengaging from the arsehole. The sad and pathetic man baby is disillusioned into thinking he has the power to “ruin you” but he really doesn’t, just remember still be married to him is the worst of all worlds.

Fresh air and exercise all help and don’t get stuck hoping he won’t be an arsehole.

My advice would be try to use some time to get back to yourself. Think about what you liked to do as a child and recreate it. I’d lost any idea of who I was and what I enjoyed until I thought about this. Now I cycle more and spend time on other hobbies. Better than counselling. Wishing you all the best.

I can't add to the excellent advice above, OP. Just to say sorry you're going through this, and so, so well done for getting yourself and your children out of that home environment. However draining the next while is going to be, you've got your own front door to shut behind you when you come home, and that's a gigantic step, as you know.

@EntirelyFedUp Our situations are uncannily similar. I ended the marriage (similar reasons to you - heavy drinking abusive ex, constant shouting, no filter in front of kids) in November last year. My ex hasn’t explicitly said that he will make the divorce process as difficult as possible but that’s what he’s doing.

“The only way out is through” is my mantra, as well as “this too shall pass”.

I was reluctant to spend too much on lawyers to, when we have such a simple financial set up it any reasonable person would have been able to agree a settlement on a day. But I’ve since realised the legal fees are the price of freedom. Annoying but it is what is it is. (Ironically we are both lawyers).

My kids are quite little and I am lucky enough to have a fabulous nanny - a 21 uni student who is more of a co-parent to our kids than ex H is. I have managed to have some time away to decompress without worrying about the kids (which I would if they were in ex’s care). Ex is outraged by this.

I haven’t really had any time to exercise as I have the kids most of the time but if I could I would try to get out for a walk or a run.

I have almost completely given up drinking - will have a drink or two if I go out for dinner but otherwise not at all. This has been a big change (ex is a heavy drinker and I used to keep up with him) - have lost lots of weight and sleep so much better than I used to. Turns out I’m not an angry, anxious stresshead after all … I was just married to one!

Also - although it’s been hard, I have never for a moment doubted that it was the right decision for me and the kids. I used to be stressed and miserable every day. I am still stressed but I feel happy every day. This year I have felt glimmers of unabated joy in a way that I haven’t since I was a teenager. I’m 41 and I met ex when I was 20! Hope it all works out for you too ❤️

I agree with @AgentJohnson
I wouldn’t bother with mediation. He’ll take a lot of delight watching you continually trying to push water up a hill.

I would compartmentalise him. Takes a bit of practice/brain power.

Keep hold of the thought that you have no choice but to keep going through the shit to be able to come out the other side.

Keep going and it will all come to pass and you will be happy again.

If your divorce is straightforward, can you represent yourself?

My friend went through a divorce with a financial abuser and she is so happy now without him.

Ironically he was the one that left her and after the divorce he tried to go crawling back.

The first thing I'd suggest is that you put the situation in a box and be very strict with yourself about when you allow yourself to open it. Yes it's ongoing, but so is the rest of your life that is separate from that. So when you're at work, socialising etc, try very hard to focus on the here and now without the situation intruding. It can be helpful to allow a set period each day to embrace your worries, sadness, anger for ten minutes or so, then decide- that's me done thinking of this until the same time tomorrow. It takes practise but I find it helpful.
The second thing is to face up to the very worst of your fears. Make a list of the worst possible outcomes and for each one, have a plan. Legal costs eat your savings? Have a rage and cry at the unfairness of that, then think about how you can rebuild them for example.
Thirdly, never lose sight of the fact that this is a period in time. Its not forever and there will be better times at the end. You have to get your head down and keep pushing through till you get there, and each day takes you closer to that.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I've told exH that I'd give him a few months to think about mediation so I think I'll try to stop worrying for now and then in January I'll pay the solicitor's retainer and start proceedings.
Running down my savings is definitely my biggest worry but I do have 2 contingency plans for that. I could do some tutoring and my brother has said that he'd lend me money for legal fees if needed.
I'm going to read back through all the replies again when I have a few free hours and come up with a plan for getting myself into a better frame of mind and healthier in general.
I really appreciate the time you all took to reply to my post.

"Personally I'd forget the mediation and take the bull by the horns and prepare for battle. Half the current mental load is this sword of Damocles limbo hanging over you as you wait and hope that mediation will make him see sense. But all the time deep down you know it won't.

Just think, if you start it now, it could be over and done with by the end of the year. It really does sound like you're delaying the inevitable and that's sapping your energy even more. The adrenaline got you through before, it will again."

Excellent advice- that's where I am, different situation than divorce, but it just wasn't worth hoping it would work out. I felt so much better taking charge and getting things moving, despite the sting of the financial cost. Really, money is vital of course, but my mental health even more so as the situation was SO SO stressful and I Needed it resolved.

It took me 3 years to fully separate. I knew it would be protracted. My motto was that I had to get me and the kids out intact. So I absolutely couldn’t lose it for them.

Firstly, can you do this without spending lots of cash? Do you need the legal route? What are you trying to split? Is there anywhere you can go and what sort of custody would you be happy with?

what helped was lots of friends who were on my side, some family help and keeping going with work and routine. There have still been awful moments and times when things were not ace with the kids. But I am free now and I’m so pleased.

I apologise I haven't read all answers so may be repeating others.

I am 4 years post divorce and it is still really hard.

ExH was abusive and as one friend put it he 'lost' (in that I left) and therefore he will spend forever more trying to 'win'. He withholds maintenance (for 25 months now- despite earning 5x my salary), controls and disrupts children's times with me. Too many things to list.

I am very low about it- but even at my lowest points I think- thank fuck I don't have to live with the twat. At least my kids have some down time without him peck pecking at their self confidence and mocking our every moves. Plus all the more serious shit he did when we were together.

What keeps me going is
Friends friends friends
And family.

My friends set up a group on WhatsApp called
Are you ok?
and I sent every little weird bit of shit he sent to me directly on, didn't even process it quite often as I was (am) drowning under full time work and 3 young children. Had one mate who consistently sent
WHAT A FUCKING KNOB EVERYONE HATES HIM
one who sent
Are you ok? I'm bringing cake over.
and one who sent serious lawyer type shit of what to reply.

They all saved my life multiple times and continue to do so.

My most overwhelming feeling now is it's so fucking boring boring boring boring that he's still smashing away at me.

But you can do it, I can do it, and we just have to keep thinking
There's a reason I left that fucking twat. Thank goodness we had the strength to leave for us and our children.

I need a solicitor for the legal route, he has property, pensions and shares. If I started today it definitely wouldn't be over by Christmas. That's not me being all doom and gloom, the solicitor said it could take years with a man not cooperating. And as my exH said, he's willing to spend any amount of money to drag it out.
I don't think custody will be a big issue but he'll fight hard and dirty on finances.

Also, the solicitor said that having proof that I tried to sort things by mediation will stand to me in court. I'm taking screenshots of all exH's messages.

@mynamechangemyrules I think we're in the same sort of situation, dealing with somebody who can't just admit defeat and let go.

True about you trying mediation, that will be good. Play a ‘clean hand in all comms’ be clipped and neutral. Mute and archive him in WhatsApp so you can open his messages at your leisure. Makes a huge difference.

Not sure what your financial position is and if you stopped paid work to bring up the children and have no pension. If you work though and have a pension, other than getting the equity out of the house, can you afford to walk away from the other stuff. I was lucky, the only joint asset was the house. I ended up getting done valuations and he agreed to sell. I was one week away from the barrister. Luckily I have my pen pensions and earnings. Also bear in mind that courts aim for clean splits now so both parties can walk away and be independent. Be cautious of ‘take him to the cleaners advice’ as it’s not realistic nowadays.

When he is really acting up, can you cut him down to size in your mind by imagining him on the loo? Or stark naked in the freezer aisle in Tesco?

My major method of coping under long term strain is to walk both my dogs daily and to eat something each day I enjoy, at least once. (Today it was a handful of Quality Street). I know these sound simple and silly, but sometimes simple and silly helps. Good luck.

Divorce with an acrimonious ex is hell. Having come out the other side I can tell you that you will get through this and be ok, but you really need to look after yourself. Things that really helped me were.
Exercise every day, a walk, a you tube workout, anything that gets you out of your brain space for a bit.
Talking to a friend every day, even if its by message, knowing someone gave a damn about me, even if I didn't discuss my issues, was really affirming…this one was a challenge as I lost a lot of friends around this time (people can go quiet when you're divorcing) but it made a huge difference.
Spending time with my kids that didn't require too much of me. I felt so guilty that I just didn't have the same time and mental energy to give them because I was in survival mode a lot, but snuggling up on the sofa watching a movie all together was still lovely.
Reading, even if just 10 mins before bed, distraction enough to fall asleep naturally.
Sleep, if you're not sleeping well at night the naps during the day are perfectly acceptable.
Eating well. Healthy food helps your brain and doesn't have to take loads of effort.
Getting away, even if its for an evening or a night if you can manage it. Going to a friends for a glass of wine or a walk…doesn't have to cost loads and helps with the brain break factor.
and this place…reading other peoples experiences, knowing youre not alone, that others are and have been there and are surviving. You’ve got this, you will get through it.

And actually, remembering that it ultimately didn't matter what I walked away with financially (not a lot lol) but walking away with my sanity intact was priceless.

I'm not looking to take him to the cleaners. I was a SAHM for a few years and then part time for a while so I need to think about pensions. I'm working full-time now and paying 90% of everything for the kids though he earns nearly 3 times what I earn. If he would be reasonable in mediation I'd be happy to walk away with less than 50%.
I have him muted on WhatsApp and am always extremely civil, no matter what he says.

Somebody said to me, and I think there's some truth in it, that he might want a long and dragged out divorce because it'll give him an excuse to drink. He always used me 'nagging' and the stress of dealing with the kids as an excuse for drinking. If we just came to an amicable agreement now what could he blame?