How do you stay mentally strong under long-term pressure?

[EntirelyFedUp]

Name changed for this. I ended my marriage over a year ago because of exH's anger and drink problems. He never accepted the end of the relationship and has made my life very difficult ever since.
We've had a session of mediation but it didn't go well. He says that if I start divorce proceedings he'll make it as difficult and drawn out as possible. I'm giving him until the end of the year to reconsider mediation but, being realistic, I'm heading into a horrible divorce.
I have a full time job, house and three children. Enough money at the moment but legal fees are going to use all my savings.
Generally I'm getting on with life pretty well but sometimes the situation completely overwhelms me and I feel shaky and can't sleep or concentrate.
Does anybody have any advice, wisdom, stories etc about how to get through the next few years with my mental health intact? Thanks in advance.

I used all my savings (which took a lifetime to save as I'm not paid well) to divorce him. I was complaining about it once to my dad and he said- in the midst of being with him would you have traded that money for not being with him? In which case, money well spent!

So I try to think of it like that- an investment in our future

all of this, 100% spot on (even if I don't do it all consistently!)
Great post

I had a long and protracted divorce with husband number 1. He absolutely refused to give me a divorce and fought me over everything but in the end the court stepped in to intervene and awarded me a divorce and sadly for him no custody or visitation rights for DS as they said he had caused us too much psychological damage. It's horrible now but you need to get through this and get the divorce done ASAP. Don't give him Any time just get on with it.
Keep contact to an absolute minimum.
The time it gets you is when it's all over. You will probably need some support then. Just think about your upcoming freedom. It will keep you going.

The time it gets you is when it's all over.

Yes.

I've had an awful year at work with some nasty things happening. I started with a personal trainer in Feb lifting weights. I find that this has really helped - I'm literally building my strength. And being annoyed at something helps me lift heavier! So it's win win - I'm getting healthier physically and mentally. I highly recommend it.

With exercise, do keep an eye on things to make sure you're looking after yourself physically.
I ended up with a stress fracture doing too much angry running when I was run down.

Just go to CMS for maintenance if he's not actually paying the rate he should be. Will help fund the solicitor bill.

What may happen is that he meets someone else and wants a divorce <result>

Also eventually you can just divorce him without his consent.

Can you speak to the solicitor about legal financial separation from him?

Mynamechange. I used all my savings too, and then all my settlement to pay off debts from solicitors etc. I wouldn't swap any or all of that money to go back. In fact the extent to which they are self serving pricks who don’t care about anyone during the process makes the grieving for what the marriage could/should have been all the easier too. Its a horrible, painful process, but my god its been the making of me.

Wishing all of you going through this strength and moments of peace. You are all fabulous women.

I agree @KomodoDodo what an inspiring support thread, amazing practical advice and hope for @EntirelyFedUp

You deserve happiness, you're being so dignified and your children will always remember how well you behaved when they are older, and a stark comparison to their father.

@KomodoDodo you're so right about them acting like pricks making it easier to realise there is no point grieving over the marriage as it was never going to be ok with a man like this! I honestly think if my ex had acted like a half decent person at any point during proceedings I might have started to seriously doubt myself as to whether I was doing the right thing and whether he was really as bad as I was thinking. But he reinforced the decision to divorce as a great one on a daily basis!

I’m going through this exact things right now -
its so hard!

How are you doing @EntirelyFedUp , I hope things are going ok. I wanted to say that it's fine to decide that you'll give it until January, but if, one day, you want to change that decision and just get on with it, that's fine too.

And yes, yes to everyone saying that their ex's behaviour during the process reassured them (many times over) that they were making the right decision. This, a million times!

Keep going girls, it will all come out in the wash and your life, and your kids' lives, will be so much better and happier for it. Back in the midst of it I would never have thought I could smile and laugh as much as I do now, even with the financial and solo-parenting challenges!

You stay mentally strong until nerves in your brain get cut or until they lose something that was covering them or was at the end of them.

I'm doing a bit better. I started taking some supplements and I'm putting some of my restless energy and lack of concentration into doing some decluttering. Work and real life are very busy so that helps.
I got the book recommended earlier in the thread in the post today and I'm going to start reading it over the weekend.
There's a firm of solicitors in my home town and they have a person that deals with family law. I'm thinking of booking an appointment with them, I think I'd feel more comfortable with a firm that people I know have used.
It's comforting to hear from other people on the thread who have been through similar experiences and survived, thank you all for taking the time to post.

I was very reluctant/slow to get lawyers involved @EntirelyFedUp (being a lawyer myself and ex H is a lawyer so knowing how things can escalate) - but I wish I’d engaged them earlier, they’ve seen it all before and I found it empowering to take control of the process.

It’s been 10 months for me. We are moving towards agreement on assets, ex H seems to have moved on with a new gf which seems to be distracting him (most of the time) from venting his spleen at me, and predictably his threats about 50:50 care of the kids don’t seem to be eventuating. I’ve just been through a hellishly stressful time at work which really was nearly the straw that broke the camel’s back but I have navigated that. I do feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The solicitor I talked to originally was good and very upfront about fees etc but she was in my nearest city and I only had telephone meetings with her. I think a face to face meeting with somebody more local to me might work better.

Hi @EntirelyFedUp wondered how you are doing? Just researching after my abusive ex (albeit unmarried) has dragged out our separation almost 4 YEARS!! And is still threatening me etc.

Hi @RosieAway thanks for asking. I'm so sorry to hear that you're still having hassle with your ex.
A lot happened since I posted last but some of it has been good stuff.
ExH stormed out the last mediation session we had. To be honest, he was in a bad state. He hadn't gotten any of his paperwork together.
Then in November there was a restructuring where I work, I got new responsibilities and a 15% pay rise so I've been able to start saving a little every week again.
I haven't heard from exH since mediation failed. Between being less worried about money and the couple of months free from confrontation with him I feel a lot better.
I know it's not much progress in a legal sense but I'm feeling much more able to deal with the situation.

My ex started off like this and he’s carried on acting like a totally irrational knobcheese. He’s gone 400% on ‘ruining my life’. I kept on the same with the kids while he had a giant angry breakdown.

What has helped me stay sane is therapy, sex, little treats, and imagining how annoying it is for him when I won’t rise to his bait. Just keep moving away from him emotionally. Imagine yourself on a boat floating away and eventually you can’t even hear his noise, all you can see is a weird angry little shape in the distance.

@EntirelyFedUp ah I’m so pleased to hear that! Getting strong enough to deal with these situations is most of the battle, I believe. I will take hope from you re how situations can improve and no doubt keep improving

@verycurlyindeed its hard to be on the end of! I’m learning to distance and not take his attacks personally (although he’s so good at them, it’s hard). Awful when small children are in the middle and the exhausting nature of “protecting” them. And I’m still really reliant financially. Love your visualisation of the boat and tips. Although sex! Ha, yeah I bet that would help. Have no idea how to squeeze that in nor where to even start looking again! Well done you

I was just reading back through my earlier posts and realise that I was considering tutoring or borrowing money to pay legal fees. I hadn't even considered getting a pay rise and progressing at work. I think that shows how much a bad relationship and constant negativity can affect your confidence.

Yes. I have none, and very little and low paid work, despite having a well-paid career before all this. The damage to self-esteem is huge. So glad you’re doing well

Me too, huge damage to self esteem and ability to progress, despite being successful before.

Toxic isn’t a metaphor, these guys really are.

Hello OP, I really hope that it will end up being faster and easier than you think it will. You never know though. I just got my divorce in April of last year after we were separated for two years. The worst thing for me was that we separated (I initiated it) during Covid, so we were stuck at home, practically on top of one another. I could not socialize because of the restrictions, so yes, I was loosing my mind. Also, we had a horrible time during Covid as a family, not necessarily Covid related, but like, a lot of stuff, it was brutal. My stress started affecting my physical health, heart palpitations, blood pressure spikes, insomnia. I honestly thought I was going to get sick and die.

I did everything I thought may help that was available to me. I had counselling weekly (it was free for me as a part of my benefits), I meditated daily, did yoga, I even read bible (for the first time in my life). I read a lot and watched a lot of TV, still do, and went for walks every day. I too got sleeping pills and took them every few days so that I get some sleep but do not get addicted to them.

We had fairly straight forward divorce, but I still wanted to get some kind of advice as I did not trust my ex. He did not want to spend a penny and wanted us to apply online, but we literally got stuck on child maintenance right away. I managed to persuade him to at least take mediation, but I had to find someone cheep. We ended up seeing her only once, she was useless and I was intimidated by my ex. In the end I hired a lawyer and we agreed she will help me with most important things otherwise I worked with her assistant which was much cheaper. Ended up paying only few thousand dollars that included separation agreement. Having a lawyer made me feel safer and it was definitely worth it. Hang in there OP. Hugs.