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Original poster

Husband doesn't love our child

57 replies

vidibi · 30/08/2023 13:45

Hello all,
When I was pregnant, my husband told me he realised he didn't want our child anymore, but it was too late.
From that moment, five years have passed, and he is not a terrible parent, but...he doesn't love or even like her. he told me so, and it's pretty straightforward for me.
He is autistic, and sometimes it's not easy for him to deal with all the emotions that parenting brings up, so he just shuts the door, and I am all by myself for several days until he feels better.
He doesn't ask me; he does it, and I have no choice.
I am very tired of this situation, and it doesn't help that my father was the same, and it's very triggering for me. When my daughter is not around, he is his usual self, the man I fell in love with.
I don't know what to do, and I am having trouble talking with someone, even a friend. Sometimes, during the crisis, I even feel suicidal; it doesn't help I am depressed and on sertraline. I think he decided the mood's house, we spent a wonderful weekend and everything changed for a stupid reason (my daughter crying because she wanted an ice cream). He tried therapy and antidepressant, but it was useless.
He is a high earner, I don't work, I am studying ATM. We have no family in the UK. I have no money because it never made his money easily accessible to me (I have my bank account, and when I need money, I ask him). He has something like 30k, while I have 200 pounds. We share a house with a mortgage; both our names are on it, but I didn't put any money in it. I left my job to stay with my daughter when she was born.
I am asking for any type of advice or discussion... financial, emotional...I don't know. TIA

OP posts:
SecretVictoria · 30/08/2023 13:46

Why don’t you work? Your situation isn’t tenable as it is now.

Original poster
vidibi · 30/08/2023 13:48

SecretVictoria · 30/08/2023 13:46

Why don’t you work? Your situation isn’t tenable as it is now.

When she was a few months old, I started Uni while I was at home with her. I am finishing and hope to find something in the next few months.

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 30/08/2023 13:50

Irrelevant of finances you need to leave. It is going to massive damage your poor daughter growing up with a father who is at best indifferent to her, at worst doesn't appear to like or love her. Why have you stuck it out for 5 years. Protect your child. Separate from him, get a divorce and he will have to pay you whatever the law states.

YukoandHiro · 30/08/2023 13:51

Speak to Women's Aid and see what support you might be able to get in terms of benefits etc. As you know from your own father, this will be damaging your child.

LBFseBrom · 30/08/2023 13:51

vidibi · 30/08/2023 13:48

When she was a few months old, I started Uni while I was at home with her. I am finishing and hope to find something in the next few months.

Show quote history

Good for you. You'll be working and earning soon enough.

Give your daughter lots and lots of love and affirmation (I'm sure you do already).

I think that your husband probably does love his daughter but it doesn't filter through to his emotions so he cannot express it. Some people are just like that and it bothers them but they won't say so; there are many types of love. As long as he is fair and kindly, don't worry about it and don't tell the little girl.

Original poster
vidibi · 30/08/2023 13:52

Dozycuntlaters · 30/08/2023 13:50

Irrelevant of finances you need to leave. It is going to massive damage your poor daughter growing up with a father who is at best indifferent to her, at worst doesn't appear to like or love her. Why have you stuck it out for 5 years. Protect your child. Separate from him, get a divorce and he will have to pay you whatever the law states.

First I don't know how to do that without money.
Second, I think if we divorce he is entitled to stay with her half the time without even me protecting her (emotionally), and for some aspects it would be worse.

OP posts:
SecretVictoria · 30/08/2023 13:54

vidibi · 30/08/2023 13:52

First I don't know how to do that without money.
Second, I think if we divorce he is entitled to stay with her half the time without even me protecting her (emotionally), and for some aspects it would be worse.

Show quote history

Would he even want 50/50? From what you’ve said it seems like he wouldn’t.

You can claim UC and would be entitled to half house value and pensions as you’re married and he’d have to pay maintenance.

Quartz2208 · 30/08/2023 13:54

You need legal advice if half the house is yours it is yours as you are married. And would he really want 50/50

gamerchick · 30/08/2023 13:54

vidibi · 30/08/2023 13:52

First I don't know how to do that without money.
Second, I think if we divorce he is entitled to stay with her half the time without even me protecting her (emotionally), and for some aspects it would be worse.

Show quote history

Will he want to do that though?

Sounds like he would be happy to pay child support with no contact to me.

CassiniG · 30/08/2023 13:55

Who do you wish to put first?

Yourself and your desire for your husband or your child who should be growing up loved and cared for by all in her home?

NotMadeOfStone · 30/08/2023 13:57

My friends husband was exactly like this, and shut himself away in the house to be alone all the time.

He was eventually diagnosed with Asperger's and they went for a lot of counselling but ultimately my friend decided she didn't want to live around his needs and wants all the time.

They divorced and she has a very happy blended family now, and he has little contact or interest in his children.

Peony654 · 30/08/2023 13:58

I think you need to put your child first. If you divorce you will be entitled to a fair split of the house and other assets. From what you've said, it sounds like he wouldn't want any contact with DD and therefore he'd have to pay child maintenance to you. That sounds like a really unhappy home for your child at the moment.

Pinkbonbon · 30/08/2023 13:58

Curious isn't it that he can hold down a well paying job without throwing strops on his employers but can't do that at home.

it sounds like you are experiencing emotional and financial abuse tbh.

Maybe the child is triggering for him but tbh it sounds like he just uses her as an excuse to manipulate you with tactics like silent treatment. It sounds like the 'cycle of abuse' tbh.

I would start divorce proceedings (do you have anything you can sell to bulk up your initial funds?).

Also, do you actually think he'll be arsed taking her half the time? Of course not! If he gets 50/50 I'm betting he won't even want it.

Dozycuntlaters · 30/08/2023 13:58

First I don't know how to do that without money.
Second, I think if we divorce he is entitled to stay with her half the time without even me protecting her (emotionally), and for some aspects it would be worse

But if he doesn't even like her, why would he want to have her half the time? Honestly, I know it's an awful situation but it is going to damage her, and when she's an adult with issues of her own, she's going to ask why you stayed with her father who doesn't like or love her and she will have resentment towards you on top of everything else. No way would I stay with a man who admitted her doesn't like or love our child, so harsh as it seems, stop making excuses and start being proactive. The fact that he can act like the man you fell in love with when she's not around is pretty awful, and shows that he makes a conscious decision to act differently around her. Just dreadful.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 30/08/2023 14:00

Please put your DD first, divorce your husband and setup a life for you both on your own. It will be so damaging for your little girl to grow up in the current situation. Your husband surely won't want any access so you don't need to worry about 50/50 care etc.

As others have said, start the ball rolling by getting some legal advice. And grow a backbone, you sound a bit indifferent to this terrible setup, please take heed of the responses here and push to start a new life for you and your DD asap.

Autieangel · 30/08/2023 14:02

He probably loves her in a way but doesn't understand it. If u stay with him u will have to accept he needs space. He would be better taking space before he shuts down rather than when.

If u leave would he want to have his daughter it doesn't sound like he would.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/08/2023 14:02

vidibi · 30/08/2023 13:52

First I don't know how to do that without money.
Second, I think if we divorce he is entitled to stay with her half the time without even me protecting her (emotionally), and for some aspects it would be worse.

Show quote history

He’d have to go to court to get that and if he’s not interested in her he’s not going to do that

Original poster
vidibi · 30/08/2023 14:03

I am not sure if he wants 50/50; I think he doesn't, but maybe he would "use" it to stay closer to me or because his parents ask him to do that (they are great and come to visit for ten days every three months more or less).
I tried to ask him what he wanted to do, but I was met just with silence.
Also, I am not sure my daughter is actually suffering from it; my husband says that it is just my projection due to my own father. I would totally choose my daughter over him; having a child together in this way killed all the love I used to feel, even if I can see traces of it when he has a good day.
I am very confused and don't know what kind of figure can help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
vidibi · 30/08/2023 14:04

LBFseBrom · 30/08/2023 13:51

Good for you. You'll be working and earning soon enough.

Give your daughter lots and lots of love and affirmation (I'm sure you do already).

I think that your husband probably does love his daughter but it doesn't filter through to his emotions so he cannot express it. Some people are just like that and it bothers them but they won't say so; there are many types of love. As long as he is fair and kindly, don't worry about it and don't tell the little girl.

Edited
Show quote history

I tried to do that, but still...not easy. I feel I can't afford to be sad or low one day because she only has me in a way.

OP posts:
76evie · 30/08/2023 14:30

Does he act in this way when his parents are there for their 10 days?

Opentooffers · 30/08/2023 14:30

It sounds like he is financially abusing you too. The best way to make sure he provides you what he should, is to divorce him. You get half the house equity, child maintenance, half of all his savings, as a minimum starting point. Don't feel in the slightest bad about that. He has been able to go out to work unhindered because you have worked to bring up your daughter and run the home, and that is just as valid a contribution to the family.
Theoretically, a father could elect for 50/50, it's rare they can cope with this around work, so EOW and maybe one overnight in the week is the norm. However, I doubt he'd want much,if any time at all, given how he feels.
See a family law solicitor is you first step forward.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2023 14:45

It seems like your own father is abusive as well. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you a lot of damaging lessons. Its no coincidence really that you went onto marry someone like your dad.

What are you still getting out of this relationship?. The only good to have come out of this union frankly is your child.

Your husband does not love his child. You are also being emotionally and financially abused by this man. This marriage you're in is well and truly over also because the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Who says he is autistic; his own self or is he formally diagnosed?.

Legal advice from a firm of Solicitors in your area re divorce should be sought asap. I doubt very much he will at all want to see his daughter post divorce given his attitude towards her. She deserves better from life as do you.

aloris · 30/08/2023 15:01

I am not sure what definition of "love" is being used here. There is "love" the emotion of warm fuzzy feelings that helps parents put up with annoying behavior in their kids. Maybe his Aspergers affects this aspect. But "love" as it really is, is an ACT that you do towards the thriving of another person. If he locks himself in a room for several days every time his daughter has normal, age-appropriate, annoying behavior, then that is not love towards her because he is not looking after her thriving - he's leaving it all to you. In fact, it sounds like all he does, in terms of "acts" to help her is earn money, and he doesn't even share that properly but keeps most of it to himself. It also is not love towards you to lock himself in a room for days when things are difficult because he would rather leave you suicidal than endure the unpleasantness of his own difficult feelings. Likewise, he is not even using his income to act with love towards you because he has thousands of dollars of savings while you have very little.

I also don't think your daughter's childish behavior is to blame for this as you say it began before she was even born.

Gather as much information as you can about his financial assets because you have a right to share in the financial fruit of the marriage. Or, you can start charging him daycare costs. Charge overtime for every day where he locks himself in a separate room overnight as that leaves you doing overtime when he should be sharing the care.

I think you are making far too much effort to explain away his bad behavior. He's an adult who is responsible for a very small child. He has a moral obligation to care for that child even if he finds it difficult. Does he even recognize that at all?

Seaoftroubles · 30/08/2023 15:05

Has your husband been professionally diagnosised with Autism and have you spoken about this this with his parents?
You really need a plan O.P. He sounds controlling and as you mention, he sets the mood the house, which must be awful to live with.
Please speak to Women's Aid or Citizens advice about your rights and the best way to move forward. Your daughter deserves so much more than living with a father who does not love her.

Shortbread49 · 30/08/2023 15:08

I think you should leave as she will notice when she gets older I suspect both my parents are autistic I have never felt loved most of the time they are not aware I existed , I had a miserable childhood and used to think if I died they wouldn’t notice ( still don’t think they would to be honest )

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