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Original poster

Husband doesn't love our child

57 replies

vidibi · 30/08/2023 13:45

Hello all,
When I was pregnant, my husband told me he realised he didn't want our child anymore, but it was too late.
From that moment, five years have passed, and he is not a terrible parent, but...he doesn't love or even like her. he told me so, and it's pretty straightforward for me.
He is autistic, and sometimes it's not easy for him to deal with all the emotions that parenting brings up, so he just shuts the door, and I am all by myself for several days until he feels better.
He doesn't ask me; he does it, and I have no choice.
I am very tired of this situation, and it doesn't help that my father was the same, and it's very triggering for me. When my daughter is not around, he is his usual self, the man I fell in love with.
I don't know what to do, and I am having trouble talking with someone, even a friend. Sometimes, during the crisis, I even feel suicidal; it doesn't help I am depressed and on sertraline. I think he decided the mood's house, we spent a wonderful weekend and everything changed for a stupid reason (my daughter crying because she wanted an ice cream). He tried therapy and antidepressant, but it was useless.
He is a high earner, I don't work, I am studying ATM. We have no family in the UK. I have no money because it never made his money easily accessible to me (I have my bank account, and when I need money, I ask him). He has something like 30k, while I have 200 pounds. We share a house with a mortgage; both our names are on it, but I didn't put any money in it. I left my job to stay with my daughter when she was born.
I am asking for any type of advice or discussion... financial, emotional...I don't know. TIA

OP posts:
Naunet · 30/08/2023 15:08

Horrible man, you need to leave him, which I know won’t be easy when you’re feeling so low and fragile yourself. First of all, could you look into getting some therapy for your own mental health? Maybe ask a GP, although I wouldn’t mention feeling suicidal for now, keep that off your medical notes.

Start looking for a job ASAP, you need that income to enable you to get away from him. I imagine he won’t want to pay maintenance, so maybe you can negotiate taking your daughter back home to where your family live on the condition you won’t chase for maintenance? He loves his money more than his daughter, so maybe that would appeal to him?

Mom2K · 30/08/2023 15:35

I am not sure if he wants 50/50; I think he doesn't, but maybe he would "use" it to stay closer to me or because his parents ask him to do that (they are great and come to visit for ten days every three months more or less).

I was going to say the above. My exH was the same in that he had no interest in our children or family life. Refused to participate, always isolated himself. He even told me that if we ever broke up, he'd move away and leave us alone. Well...we broke up and he absolutely did not leave us alone - his mother constantly nagged at him to get the kids even though he didn't want them, and this resulted in 4 years of him harassing me and demanding his time with the kids, which he never showed up for majority of the time. And a number of neglectful/dangerous/poor parenting incidents the few times he did take them. I was constantly getting texts and emails from him wanting to discuss things about the kids (basically things that didn't need discussing, just a bunch of accusations and fabricated details - and things he had zero interest in prior to our break up). He never got 50/50 but we didn't go to court over it - we did a legal agreement where he was to have every other weekend and a night in the week, which never really happened because he hardly ever showed up. I had just spoken to a lawyer about implementing supervised visitation for him (for the times visits did occur) because of my concerns but right as I was seeking advice about this, he finally actually moved away and none of us have seen him now for 5 years and we are no contact. But for those saying he probably wouldn't want to take the kids...that is probably true but it doesn't mean he won't if it allows him to have continued access to the OP or if he's getting pressure from his parents.

Thst being said - I'm glad I left him. Yes it was hard and he caused added grief during the divorce but it wasn't as bad as living with him.

tattygrl · 30/08/2023 16:05

Shortbread49 · 30/08/2023 15:08

I think you should leave as she will notice when she gets older I suspect both my parents are autistic I have never felt loved most of the time they are not aware I existed , I had a miserable childhood and used to think if I died they wouldn’t notice ( still don’t think they would to be honest )

In no way do I wish to diminish your experience and your own interpretation of your family and what happened, but autism doesn't cause detached and neglectful parenting. That behaviour is seen across neurotypes - neurotypical and autistic alike. My parents are autistic and I couldn't have had a more loving upbringing, and still have unconditional support now.

I just feel it is important to clarify this as there is a pervading misconception that autism equals robotic and unfeeling.

tattygrl · 30/08/2023 16:09

I know you're unsure if your daughter is suffering right now, OP, but trust me, she will do in future as she grows up. I would leave this situation as a matter of urgency. The way he's behaving isn't explained by autism alone. I'm autistic, and while I have needs and issues, it's my responsibility to look after myself without imposing on and harming those around me; and what's more, it's very very possible to do that! Abusive and neglectful behaviours are seen across the population, regardless of neurotype. He has absolutely no excuse. I think you're like a boiled frog, and have lost all sight of how nice, good, lovely and safe life can be.

ChristmasCrumpet · 30/08/2023 16:11

vidibi · 30/08/2023 13:52

First I don't know how to do that without money.
Second, I think if we divorce he is entitled to stay with her half the time without even me protecting her (emotionally), and for some aspects it would be worse.

Show quote history

Gently, he's not going to want her half the time is he. He most likely won't have her at all.

Lastchancechica · 30/08/2023 16:21

My father was just like this. If you think life is difficult now, wait until the poor child hits her teen years. You need to leave.
My mother never did

Mariposista · 30/08/2023 16:24

vidibi · 30/08/2023 13:52

First I don't know how to do that without money.
Second, I think if we divorce he is entitled to stay with her half the time without even me protecting her (emotionally), and for some aspects it would be worse.

Show quote history

He wouldn't want to do that if he doesn't love her so I wouldn't worry too much about that.
Finish your course, get into full time employment and get out of this terrible relationship!

ZadocPDederick · 30/08/2023 16:25

You need to sort out the money immediately. He should be giving you money to cover all household expenses including things like clothes, school uniform and equipment, presents, transport, and personal stuff for you and DD, and the sensible way forward would be to arrange a regular standing order. Point out to him that that is what everyone else in your situation does and give him a standing order form to sign.

Nemesias · 30/08/2023 16:30

Also, I am not sure my daughter is actually suffering from it; my husband says that it is just my projection due to my own father.

what on earth does he know about it? He wasn’t there to see what you experienced and he locks himself away whenever things get tricky so what qualifies him to know anything or have an opinion about your dds wellbeing?

so let’s trust your instinct on this one - not what your uncaring, financially abusive, absent, useless DH thinks because really - what does he know?

isthistheendtakeabreath · 30/08/2023 16:43

@vidibi

So I actually have been through this myself OP. I had IVF twins - biologically mine and my husbands - after many losses and multiple rounds. So could hardly say they weren't planned. I noticed when I was pregnant he was detached. He admitted when they were 1 he didn't love them the same as our eldest naturally conceived child. As soon as he said those words there was no going back for me. I filed for divorce. You are doing untold damage to your child by letting this continue. You think the child won't notice but they do. They deserve more than this. You need to get a grip of this situation and fast - I was with my ex husband 20 years but I didn't hesitate to end it when faced with his "truth" . Have to say he was no longer the man I loved as soon as the words left his mouth and I don't see how you've allowed this to continue as long as it has

isthistheendtakeabreath · 30/08/2023 16:47

Also My ex husband has not pursued 50/50 - I kept the texts and emails where he talked about his lack of feeling towards the children - he knows I wouldnt hesitate to take it to CAFCASS if he tried to use 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance. But in any event he and I both know he can't parent on his own

Toomanylaughs · 30/08/2023 16:47

When my daughter is not around, he is his usual self, the man I fell in love with.

Aside from his appalling attitude towards your daughter he doesn’t seem a very good husband if you gave up work to look after your child, but he holds the purse strings so tightly and makes you ask for money.

Did you know he was like that before you married him?

velvetstars · 30/08/2023 16:51

The key question is does he act this way when his parents visit or does he pretend to be a good DF during that time?

Naunet · 30/08/2023 17:18

Also, I am not sure my daughter is actually suffering from it; my husband says that it is just my projection due to my own father

Its not projection, it’s experience.

FictionalCharacter · 30/08/2023 17:21

gamerchick · 30/08/2023 13:54

Will he want to do that though?

Sounds like he would be happy to pay child support with no contact to me.

Show quote history

I agree.

This is a very unhealthy environment for a child to grow up in. Personally I couldn’t stay in the marriage.

Thoughtful2355 · 30/08/2023 17:26

I would talk to his parents, mentioning that you are worried about the complete hatred for your child that he has because at the end of the day thats what he feels for her.. hatred, in his mind she ruined his life completely and took you away. He needs to go.

Speak to his parents so they are up to date with how he is and then speak to womans aid / make a plan to leave. your entitled to half of all savings and the house remember ( UK) leave and claim CMS, he probably wont want contact and if he does go through court with all evidence like emails or texts showing a lack of love for child, Let the grandparents have access if you trust them.

Redpepperss · 30/08/2023 17:27

God. You need to leave your DD is aware of how her father treats her DC sense things she just may not tell you. Call CAB for advice and take any job at all even minium wage you will get UC and help towards rent. Make a plan to leave..

Upset12345 · 30/08/2023 17:29

Completely unacceptable situation.

If I was in your shoes, I would finish my studies and then move back to my home country with my daughter to be closer to family.

Since he doesn't like/love her anyway, it shouldn't be a problem for him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/08/2023 17:38

vidibi · 30/08/2023 14:03

I am not sure if he wants 50/50; I think he doesn't, but maybe he would "use" it to stay closer to me or because his parents ask him to do that (they are great and come to visit for ten days every three months more or less).
I tried to ask him what he wanted to do, but I was met just with silence.
Also, I am not sure my daughter is actually suffering from it; my husband says that it is just my projection due to my own father. I would totally choose my daughter over him; having a child together in this way killed all the love I used to feel, even if I can see traces of it when he has a good day.
I am very confused and don't know what kind of figure can help me.

You say his parents are great. What do you think would be the outcome if you spoke directly to them, and talked of them still coming to visit in exactly the same way as they do now, but with you divorced from their son? They could still have access to their granddaughter but through you, rather than through both of you.

How does he behave towards your daughter when his parents are present? Does he try to pull the wool over their eyes?

Spottywombat · 30/08/2023 17:38

He doesn't want to share you.

DD will see this as a norm for male relationship, not good.

And it's sulking, not just being ND, all the passive aggressive stuff.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 30/08/2023 17:47

I’d be running a mile and taking my daughter with me. I have autism, my children have autism, we have a very neurodiverse family. Not one of us is incapable of feeling love for one another and neither do any of the other very many neurodiverse people we know. This isn’t because of autism, this is something else altogether.

BodegaSushi · 30/08/2023 17:55

Toomanylaughs · 30/08/2023 16:47

When my daughter is not around, he is his usual self, the man I fell in love with.

Aside from his appalling attitude towards your daughter he doesn’t seem a very good husband if you gave up work to look after your child, but he holds the purse strings so tightly and makes you ask for money.

Did you know he was like that before you married him?

Thought this too. Lovely man when you're sitting with £200 in your account? He was never lovely

Onlinetherapist · 30/08/2023 17:57

OP, even if your husband wanted your daughter for half the time (which is unlikely based on the whole theme of your thread), he is not an appropriate carer for a young child. Not because he’s autistic, but because he is unable to prioritise the needs of a child over his own feelings. It may be wise to start getting this documented (womens aid, GP etc)in case he should he try to get her 50/50 at some point in the future.

R4ID · 30/08/2023 18:05

The way he is treating you is not acceptable, regardless of the reasons nor is it acceptable for your daughter to witness it. I’m fairly certain she is not treated appropriately by him directly either.

You need to leave to protect her. Contact social services and explain what’s gone on. Don’t let him have unsupervised access.

Speak to Women’s aid and get free legal advice on what money you are entitled to and go and build a life for you and your daughter.

Please break this cycle for now for you and your daughters sake.

pickledandpuzzled · 30/08/2023 18:23

I'm trying to come at this from a place of no judgement, accepting who he is...

How would he feel about setting up separately? Perhaps with an annex for him, or him in a different house?

My DH is mainly ok with the kids, but was a different person when his job was pressured and he had to commute every day. Now he's WFH, it's like the young him again. He's massively more tolerant and able to deal with things that used to bother him no end.

Maybe he'd be a good dad if it was about visiting rather than being trapped with something he finds stressful?

I mean obviously that's not ok, but it may be a better compromise than completely separating or carrying on as you are.