Feel like I’m in an abusive relationship and need advice

[KCspaniel]

Ok, first of all, I’m a man. I know this is mumsnet, but I checked and it seems ok for me to post. I just feel I need more of a female point of view on this.

My wife and I enjoyed a great relationship for 12 years. We had a child, when we were both in our 40s and unfortunately things started to crumble. My wife became frequently angry, agitated and controlling in a micro management way. I sometimes won’t even make a cup of tea when I fancy one, because even something that mundane can cause her to tell me I’m stirring it too loudly, or putting the milk in at the wrong time. I’m serious. I walk on eggshells.

At first I was told that I drank too much. Fair enough, because during the pandemic, I picked up an unhealthy habit of drinking most days. When it was probably time to stop, I was enjoying it and reluctant. I didn’t feel that the things she was saying were true. She’d tell me that my eyes were glazed,p and that I change dramatically, when in fact I felt it was because I was tired from work.

So I decided to do an experiment. One day I bought some cranberry juice, filled a wine bottle up with it and proceeded to drink it all. My wife had an extra big reaction that evening. My eyes were “glazed”, I was upsetting our baby who could tell I was different. I was slurring and making little sense. That cranberry juice must have been potent!

So the next day, I apologised for being drunk and said nobody should have to put up with that behaviour. I stopped drinking for 6 months while I tried to figure out what was going on.

Without alcohol to blame, my wife started picking fights about other things. She started complaining about friends, our location, my lack of help with the child (absolutely not true at all.) She can turn from looking suicidal (or murderous) to extremely happy at literally the click of a finger. It scares me. She began trying to micro manage me. An example would be one day I decided to drive to the shop and was told I didn’t need to. If I’d have gone without “permission”, she might have ghosted me for a week. I hate being ghosted. You can cut the atmosphere with a knife. It’s so bad, I now bring my tablet to dinner to read the news if she’s going through an episode of ghosting me.

Another favourite is putting me down. I don’t help enough, compared to a friends husband. I don’t earn enough money, compared to my brother in law, etc etc. It used to upset me, but now it’s water off a ducks back.

One day, her parents came to stay. I was excited for them to meet our child. It was the first time due to the pandemic. But my mother in law (who I previously had a great relationship with) treated me really badly. It was as if I was a guest in my own home. It was a shock and I suffered some anxiety from it. I approached my wife and said I felt this way, to which she replied angrily, “No you don’t! How do you think that makes me feel?!” I didn’t approach it again and in fact we haven’t shared intimate feelings since then.

One day, she was being verbally aggressive to our child. Not shouting, but putting him down. He was only 2. I took my moment, held my breath and asked her to consider seeking help, because I never thought I’d have to ask her not to be aggressive to our child. She rolled her eyes. I stood my ground and insisted she never roll her eyes at me. She left the room and 5 minutes later came back in like she was a completely different person, smiling happy. As I said, it scares me. Who can swing in those extremes of personality?

She saw a doctor and was referred for counselling, but she didn’t go in the end. Said it would be too painful and she had too much going on

I noticed that a strong pattern emerged with her anger etc and the onset of her period. I mentioned this and the doctor suggested she go on the pill. She took it for about a week I think, so we don’t know if it could help, but now that I’m aware of it, the behaviour is definitely period related.

I’m currently enduring a period of ghosting (day number 2 and counting.) I just don’t know what to do. She wanted me to take a day off work to drive her to have a cup of tea with a neighbour and pick her up again after. I couldn’t oblige, so I guess this is a way of punishing me. Only it seems massively over the top.

This is my wife. We have a kid. I can’t ( won’t) just up and leave. But I also can’t cope with an entire life of this. I began googling what is happening and it turns out I might be suffering from emotional abuse. I’m sure it’s hormonal, but then is that really an excuse to treat someone you’re supposed to love the most so awfully? When we got pregnant, I envisioned the Disney style dream family. I know that’s not going to happen, but this is so far removed, it’s not even funny.

I would love to hear from anyone who has constructive advice, or experienced anything similar. I just don’t know what to do.

Thanks so much for reading (and hopefully forgiving me for being a man on mumsnet!)

She sounds vile

Sounds abusive to me. Is there anyone who knows her that you can seek advice from at all?

This is emotional abuse.

Does she have a difficult past/childhood? If she is abusive and her moods are this changeable she may have some underlying personality issues.

Regardless, you and DC cannot continue to live like this for long.

It's cruel and damaging your mental health and your poor DC is witnessing this. She has already began to take it out on the child.

Growing up with someone with horrendous mood swings like that leaves someone prone to becoming incredibly sensitive to other peoples moods. It wrecks havoc with their relationships and ability to control their own emotions.

You need to have a very frank conversation with her and tell her she needs help and things need to change.

If she won't be receptive in a conversation, write her a letter and make it clear you need some kind of response, verbally or otherwise.

Descending into an argument or stonewalling just won't work. So your only option right now is to communicate how she will receive it. If she refuses or doesn't acknowledge anything, then I think you have your answer. Nothing will change and there is nowhere to go from there.

She is Definitely abusive. I worry about the way she spoke to your two year old also. And the cranberry juice thing, that’s very weird. On her part I mean. Please see if there is any support available to you, also has she done or said anything else to the baby? If so start collecting evidence if you can and if you need to leave take the child with you if it is at risk.

Your wife needs help. You sound really nice.

Maybe try to suggest something when she's in one of her good moods?

Is she ever ok long enough that it could be a case of PMDD?

I do confide in a mutual friend. They listen and don’t judge. My wife doesn’t behave like this in front of our friends, which is what makes me think it is a choice.

@scoobysnaxx

Thank you. Her mum had very similar issues; in fact much worse. She would verbally rip my father in law to shreds in front of us and employ the ghosting technique too. Sit up in her bedroom for days at a time. She could get violent too. One time I stayed there, she was down in the kitchen smashing plates at 3am. I don’t know if this is a learned behaviour or a genetic thing. Her mum has definitely chilled out a lot since going through the menopause, which makes me think it’s potentially genetic.

They’re both very nice people on their days, but both prone to mood swings.

I did consider a letter actually. It’s something I’m going to have to build some courage for. The thought of breaking up my family is so horrific to me. And I can’t even imagine the pain of losing my child and having to visit at weekends etc.

I think she's got a hormonal mood disorder, her mum may have too if she was better after menopause.

Well of çourse iit's not hormonal op. Pms might cause a little grumpiness or short temperedness sure but that's not what you are describing.

What do you mean you're going to hang around?
Don't.

Get out. Run!
At least create one safe home away from her for your child to escape to.
There is no excuse for abuse and if you stay, your child will grow up thinking this bs is normal and should be tolerated.

You can’t change her as she does not recognize the problem so she will not work on it. Even if it were PMDD and in some sense genetic its also a learned behavior at this point. Honestly I think you should leave and try to get full custody of the child. She is not capable of being a safe parent.

So her mum gets away with it and therefore she thinks she can. She's learned that behaviour from her mother. Haul ass out of there before your child picks it up too.

Thank you. Yes, we discussed PMDD after I found out about it while googling. That’s the reason the doctor gave her the pill, but it didn’t agree with her, so she stopped. Her episode the past few days again coincides with her period starting.

I really do think that PMDD is a big part of it and no doubt some depression at times.

What happens if you stand up to her?

I don’t approach the emotional abuse, just ride it out. The times I’ve had to be blunt and tell her to stop have been met with eye rolls and leaving the room, followed by the dreaded silence. I think the record is about a week if not talking to me.

This with bells on ⬆️

Your child is learning and witnessing such an awful example of how to have a relationship. You sound like a strong person but maybe you would benefit from some therapy for yourself ; Bullying is very wearing, it grinds you down.
I would also see a family solicitor about protecting your child and possibly being the RP.

"One day, she was being verbally aggressive to our child. Not shouting, but putting him down. He was only 2. I took my moment, held my breath and asked her to consider seeking help, because I never thought I’d have to ask her not to be aggressive to our child."

This is appalling! She is verbally abusive to you and her child. I would not be so quick to chalk that up to hormones, that sounds much more dangerous and destructive. I would tell her she needs to get counseling or you will report her for child abuse. And then DO IT if you have to. I'm afraid for your child.

Putting a small child down verbally is unforgivable. That will have such a detrimental effect on his development and well being.
I think you need to log what is going on with someone outside the family, your GP maybe. You could even speak with a solicitor to get everything on record. It may well come to you having to leave with your child and becoming the resident parent. I’ve a distant male relative and a male family friend who have both had to do this and the children ( one a girl, one a boy) have grown up just fine.

I had PMDD (menopausal now) and it usually starts after ovulation and can last until the onset of menstruation, so 2 weeks. I agree with her that The Pill can make PMDD a hell of a lot worse, although I don’t think taking it for one week demonstrates this. If you are going to write a letter, my advise is to make sure you give it to her at her most calm time of the month (probably a few days after her period has started). PMDD is horrific for all involved and has no solution, it’s trial and error finding something that works. I took an antidepressant for my last 8 years before switching to HRT and a milder dose of antidepressant when menopausal. Good luck.

And I can’t even imagine the pain of losing my child and having to visit at weekends etc.

You don't have to - there's no reason not to have 50/50 care, potentially more on your part if you tried and succeeded - since you would likely be in for a fight anyway, this would just be another aspect of it.

Two choices if she won't do anything about it, find ways to put up with it or leave. And I would look to take your child with you as the older they get the more likely to be on the end of abuse. If you stay and your child suffers then its also down ro you.

I think your wife doesn’t realise how serious the situation is. You need to have it out and give her an ultimatum. Marriage counselling and HRT possibly. This sounds like it could be the menopause. Either way the marriage counselling is a must. She needs to change her behaviour and understand how it is affecting marriage. I’d go as far as booking it and saying if she doesn’t go, you are done.

Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Op - there are organisations out there who can help men who are in abusive relationships like you are, contact Mankind. Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

I'd like to hear her side of this story.

Yes, this. As long as you have stopped drinking now and that's no longer an issue. It does sound like she is being abusive towards yourself and your DC, and it will start to affect them.