Feel like I’m in an abusive relationship and need advice

[KCspaniel]

Ok, first of all, I’m a man. I know this is mumsnet, but I checked and it seems ok for me to post. I just feel I need more of a female point of view on this.

My wife and I enjoyed a great relationship for 12 years. We had a child, when we were both in our 40s and unfortunately things started to crumble. My wife became frequently angry, agitated and controlling in a micro management way. I sometimes won’t even make a cup of tea when I fancy one, because even something that mundane can cause her to tell me I’m stirring it too loudly, or putting the milk in at the wrong time. I’m serious. I walk on eggshells.

At first I was told that I drank too much. Fair enough, because during the pandemic, I picked up an unhealthy habit of drinking most days. When it was probably time to stop, I was enjoying it and reluctant. I didn’t feel that the things she was saying were true. She’d tell me that my eyes were glazed,p and that I change dramatically, when in fact I felt it was because I was tired from work.

So I decided to do an experiment. One day I bought some cranberry juice, filled a wine bottle up with it and proceeded to drink it all. My wife had an extra big reaction that evening. My eyes were “glazed”, I was upsetting our baby who could tell I was different. I was slurring and making little sense. That cranberry juice must have been potent!

So the next day, I apologised for being drunk and said nobody should have to put up with that behaviour. I stopped drinking for 6 months while I tried to figure out what was going on.

Without alcohol to blame, my wife started picking fights about other things. She started complaining about friends, our location, my lack of help with the child (absolutely not true at all.) She can turn from looking suicidal (or murderous) to extremely happy at literally the click of a finger. It scares me. She began trying to micro manage me. An example would be one day I decided to drive to the shop and was told I didn’t need to. If I’d have gone without “permission”, she might have ghosted me for a week. I hate being ghosted. You can cut the atmosphere with a knife. It’s so bad, I now bring my tablet to dinner to read the news if she’s going through an episode of ghosting me.

Another favourite is putting me down. I don’t help enough, compared to a friends husband. I don’t earn enough money, compared to my brother in law, etc etc. It used to upset me, but now it’s water off a ducks back.

One day, her parents came to stay. I was excited for them to meet our child. It was the first time due to the pandemic. But my mother in law (who I previously had a great relationship with) treated me really badly. It was as if I was a guest in my own home. It was a shock and I suffered some anxiety from it. I approached my wife and said I felt this way, to which she replied angrily, “No you don’t! How do you think that makes me feel?!” I didn’t approach it again and in fact we haven’t shared intimate feelings since then.

One day, she was being verbally aggressive to our child. Not shouting, but putting him down. He was only 2. I took my moment, held my breath and asked her to consider seeking help, because I never thought I’d have to ask her not to be aggressive to our child. She rolled her eyes. I stood my ground and insisted she never roll her eyes at me. She left the room and 5 minutes later came back in like she was a completely different person, smiling happy. As I said, it scares me. Who can swing in those extremes of personality?

She saw a doctor and was referred for counselling, but she didn’t go in the end. Said it would be too painful and she had too much going on

I noticed that a strong pattern emerged with her anger etc and the onset of her period. I mentioned this and the doctor suggested she go on the pill. She took it for about a week I think, so we don’t know if it could help, but now that I’m aware of it, the behaviour is definitely period related.

I’m currently enduring a period of ghosting (day number 2 and counting.) I just don’t know what to do. She wanted me to take a day off work to drive her to have a cup of tea with a neighbour and pick her up again after. I couldn’t oblige, so I guess this is a way of punishing me. Only it seems massively over the top.

This is my wife. We have a kid. I can’t ( won’t) just up and leave. But I also can’t cope with an entire life of this. I began googling what is happening and it turns out I might be suffering from emotional abuse. I’m sure it’s hormonal, but then is that really an excuse to treat someone you’re supposed to love the most so awfully? When we got pregnant, I envisioned the Disney style dream family. I know that’s not going to happen, but this is so far removed, it’s not even funny.

I would love to hear from anyone who has constructive advice, or experienced anything similar. I just don’t know what to do.

Thanks so much for reading (and hopefully forgiving me for being a man on mumsnet!)

Abuse is such a big label though, isn’t it? Like it encompasses a wide variety of behaviour. I think in this case I would try counselling before opting out of the marriage. The first option can’t always be leave. Surely that should be the last. In terms of joint counselling, I think that is what’s the needed. You can change learned behaviours with some effort if you are willing to put the work in. Relationships are not easy and need to be worked on at times. Perhaps you and your wife need a break away by yourselves. Is this possible?

The pill isn't going to help PMDD

See if she try some anti depressants.

She sounds exactly like my DHs ex. If you look back, this has probably been going on for years but in a more subtle way. My DH was in an abusive relationship for 12 years which also escalated to physical abuse. He left when she assaulted him Infront of their then 2yo daughter. My DH grew up in an violent household and didn't want his kids witnessing any violence.

He used to come in from work and she'd start arguing with him as soon as he walked through the door. Usually he had no idea what the argument was even about. She scream at him for stupid things like not buttering her toast the right way. She apologized for nothing and turned everything into his fault. "it's your fault I hit you. You wind me up so much". She used to cheat on him constantly but then accuse him if he popped out to th shop for 10 minutes. She could also flip from super nice to demonic in an instant. She refused to seek help and only did after they split up, not that it helped.

We have some strict boundaries in place to minimise the impact she has on us but she still tries to exert control through the kids. If you do decide to leave you'll need to get a court order in place for custody of your child as she's definitely the type to withhold access as a way of control. DHs ex did it twice before he got a court order in place.

If so were you I'd start keeping a diary of her behaviour in particular any aimed at your child. If she does turn violent call the police. My DH made the mistake of not involving the police and now it's his word against hers in court.

There's no reason why you'd be reduced to weekend visits. 50/50 is a more common option now and court will generally grant that unless there's a good reason not to. Your child would be better of seeing their parents 50/50 than living with them both in a house full of tension, raised voices and misery.

Thanks so much for this! I’m not in the U.K. but have found another charity who offer the same service here in Ireland. I’m going to contact them.

Why? Do you ask this of women? Women can be abusive. My SIL was like this to my lovely BIL.

Thank you. Yes, it’s a massive label and it’s taken me a long time to even consider that this behaviour was nothing other than just frustration.

At the moment I don’t see leaving as an option at all. I made a commitment to my family and there must be a way to get through this.

That’s fair, and I trust your comment isn’t purely cynical. Of course there are two sides to every story. I can only give my own view of it, obviously. She has reasons to be sad/frustrated in life. She doesn’t like where we live. It’s rural and quiet. She’s also homesick for England. We agreed to move back, but this isn’t something we can do tomorrow. We need money, jobs and a solid plan. In contrast, I love it here and I feel like I belong in this community. Doesn’t mean that I won’t leave for the sake of my partner’s happiness though.

I also don’t think that moving will solve all her problems. You can’t run from yourself. These behaviours were there at the start of our relationship if I think back all those years.

When we first got together, I live elsewhere and visited at weekends, until I could find a job in her city. I worked an extra weekend once, in order to have a long one the week after. She went out with friends and ended up sleeping with one of them. It hit me like a steam train, though of course time has long passed to heal it. She was distraught with herself, but one day said something that rings in my ears to this day. “If you didn’t work that weekend, it would never have happened”. That was a huge warning that I missed because I was so focussed on fixing the sadness. She needs to be able to take control of her life and I’m beginning to realise that her attempts to control me are potentially just a way to have at least some control over something. That’s great if I understand that correctly, but how to fix it?

My sister had always suffered very extreme PMT: from the time her periods began aged 11 she was a monster for one week a month. She was only pushed into doing something about it when she started living with her now husband because with a few months of living with it he said he was leaving if he was going to be forced to live with this.

The mini pill and a mirena coil in conjunction have really worked for her, they've also cured her terrible, monthly migraines. She says she's much happier now; she didn't realise that she didn't have to live like this.

Good luck in getting your wife to face up to the problem. If she can't or won't then I think you're perfectly justified in ending the marriage.

In the immediate term she needs medical help for her hormonal problem which certainly can be the direct medical cause of her behaviour.

Whether she could exercise a little more control over it if she was aware and trying I dont know, but as you have seen in researching it is a genuine debilitating medical condition.
Can you investigate what the usual UK treatments might be? Is the pill the correct treatment or is this the prescription from an ill informed doctor who thinks women troubles = prescribe the pill?
During the right part of the month can you begin to discuss your thoughts and feelings with her?

Your wife knows how bad she is but refuses help. I’m not sure what you can do. I would solely think about what’s best for your child. Splitting up should mean at least 50% custody.
Does she message you with abuse? I’m just wondering if there is evidence. You could film her being cruel to the child but if she realises it could make things worse.
Just because there is likely mental health issues at the heart of this doesn’t mean it’s not her fault or you need to put up with it.

Hey, I've had the same behavior from my wife going on a decade and it was abusive.

Everything was wrong all the time, criticism for everything I did or didn't do, comparing me to others making me feel like a failure. Endless silent treatment where I became a ghost in my own home and couldn't interact with the children.

Shouting and screaming, fits of rage over absolutely nothing and at times turned physical. Would take no blame, fault or criticism or apologize ever, it was always my fault. Belittling me that then turned to the children as well, shouting at them and making them feel worthless and upset.

Similarly, that quick change from being demonic to an Angel. Nobody knows what is like in public either, has a nice mother act going on that's the total opposite of what really like.

Heed my warning, be very careful. Mine turned into a version I never saw before that was way worse. Has now taken everything from under me, including the children, haven't had any contact in months and is out to destroy me.

Just read your update and I'm not shocked that she cheated, or that she blamed you for it, as like I said previously, this all sounds similar to what my DH endured. It won't get better and in fact will likely escalate.

Her hormones may be a factor but actually I think she's just not a nice person. She's displaying narcissist traits and is gaslighting you. I think maybe you're looking for a reason because then it can be fixed, because accepting that the woman you fell in love with and had a child with is just a horrible person is too difficult.

I'm sorry that you're going through this and if you're anything like my DH your self-confidence will be shot to pieces and she'll have made you think that you don't deserve any better, but you do. You probably won't realise how bad things were until you're away from her or until you meet someone who treats you properly.

I haven't read a lot of the responses. I'm so angry at what is happening here. Wife is abusive, you are letting her get away with it. You need to stand up to her and look at ending the marriage. For christ sake get angry/assertive.

She's being emotionally abusive. Nothing to do with hormones etc, she's chosen to be this way, especially if she's not like this with others.

Please get out go for 50/50 custody.

Just want to say be careful of standing up or calling it out. In my experience it's very similar behavior and traits of abusive men and once they feel that control slipping or you standing your ground, all hell breaks loose.

That's what happened to me, I just said enough is enough and she turned in an instant and has taken everything, painting me as abusive, when in fact it was her.

Get support, protect your assets and your children just in case. I did not see it coming, now I have nothing.

I agree 100%

I hope you manage to get your children back. It's awful what's happened to you and the kids will be suffering too. Women like this don't care about the affect that stopping a dad see his kids has on the kids. It's all about control and causing you the maximum amount of pain.

Sounds like OCD and misophonia

You can’t fix her.
You can’t force her to fix herself.
Ultimatums won’t work.
The fact she switches behaviour around other people makes me suspect this is very much EA.
Until you accept the limits of your agency int he matter, you are trapped.

Record all incidents. Speak to your GP about your own mental health. Create a third party paper trail.

You mentioned driving her to tea, does this mean she can’t/won’t drive?

Thank you. Unfortunately, not much movement am waiting on court now. Worse thing is it's not just me either, she's taken them from the entire family both sides. Now been isolated for five months alone with her. Nothing I can do, all the while I'm being attacked legally and now police for doing nothing but trying to regain contact.

I know it must be hard but bide your time. Keep away from her and don't contact her directly, only through lawyers that way you can't get into any trouble. The fact she's also keeping them from both sides of the family as well will go in your favour. Have you got a court date yet? 5 months is a long time.

Yeah I am, hard though nobody has any contact we're all blind. Not contacted directly, can't go near my home, all through solicitors but isn't responding to anything, not even the application so far. Yes got date few months away.

Why? Would you say that to a woman that posted here about a man?