Ok, first of all, I’m a man. I know this is mumsnet, but I checked and it seems ok for me to post. I just feel I need more of a female point of view on this.
My wife and I enjoyed a great relationship for 12 years. We had a child, when we were both in our 40s and unfortunately things started to crumble. My wife became frequently angry, agitated and controlling in a micro management way. I sometimes won’t even make a cup of tea when I fancy one, because even something that mundane can cause her to tell me I’m stirring it too loudly, or putting the milk in at the wrong time. I’m serious. I walk on eggshells.
At first I was told that I drank too much. Fair enough, because during the pandemic, I picked up an unhealthy habit of drinking most days. When it was probably time to stop, I was enjoying it and reluctant. I didn’t feel that the things she was saying were true. She’d tell me that my eyes were glazed,p and that I change dramatically, when in fact I felt it was because I was tired from work.
So I decided to do an experiment. One day I bought some cranberry juice, filled a wine bottle up with it and proceeded to drink it all. My wife had an extra big reaction that evening. My eyes were “glazed”, I was upsetting our baby who could tell I was different. I was slurring and making little sense. That cranberry juice must have been potent!
So the next day, I apologised for being drunk and said nobody should have to put up with that behaviour. I stopped drinking for 6 months while I tried to figure out what was going on.
Without alcohol to blame, my wife started picking fights about other things. She started complaining about friends, our location, my lack of help with the child (absolutely not true at all.) She can turn from looking suicidal (or murderous) to extremely happy at literally the click of a finger. It scares me. She began trying to micro manage me. An example would be one day I decided to drive to the shop and was told I didn’t need to. If I’d have gone without “permission”, she might have ghosted me for a week. I hate being ghosted. You can cut the atmosphere with a knife. It’s so bad, I now bring my tablet to dinner to read the news if she’s going through an episode of ghosting me.
Another favourite is putting me down. I don’t help enough, compared to a friends husband. I don’t earn enough money, compared to my brother in law, etc etc. It used to upset me, but now it’s water off a ducks back.
One day, her parents came to stay. I was excited for them to meet our child. It was the first time due to the pandemic. But my mother in law (who I previously had a great relationship with) treated me really badly. It was as if I was a guest in my own home. It was a shock and I suffered some anxiety from it. I approached my wife and said I felt this way, to which she replied angrily, “No you don’t! How do you think that makes me feel?!” I didn’t approach it again and in fact we haven’t shared intimate feelings since then.
One day, she was being verbally aggressive to our child. Not shouting, but putting him down. He was only 2. I took my moment, held my breath and asked her to consider seeking help, because I never thought I’d have to ask her not to be aggressive to our child. She rolled her eyes. I stood my ground and insisted she never roll her eyes at me. She left the room and 5 minutes later came back in like she was a completely different person, smiling happy. As I said, it scares me. Who can swing in those extremes of personality?
She saw a doctor and was referred for counselling, but she didn’t go in the end. Said it would be too painful and she had too much going on
I noticed that a strong pattern emerged with her anger etc and the onset of her period. I mentioned this and the doctor suggested she go on the pill. She took it for about a week I think, so we don’t know if it could help, but now that I’m aware of it, the behaviour is definitely period related.
I’m currently enduring a period of ghosting (day number 2 and counting.) I just don’t know what to do. She wanted me to take a day off work to drive her to have a cup of tea with a neighbour and pick her up again after. I couldn’t oblige, so I guess this is a way of punishing me. Only it seems massively over the top.
This is my wife. We have a kid. I can’t ( won’t) just up and leave. But I also can’t cope with an entire life of this. I began googling what is happening and it turns out I might be suffering from emotional abuse. I’m sure it’s hormonal, but then is that really an excuse to treat someone you’re supposed to love the most so awfully? When we got pregnant, I envisioned the Disney style dream family. I know that’s not going to happen, but this is so far removed, it’s not even funny.
I would love to hear from anyone who has constructive advice, or experienced anything similar. I just don’t know what to do.
Thanks so much for reading (and hopefully forgiving me for being a man on mumsnet!)