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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a relationship come back from this?

74 replies

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 07:52

If your long term partner told you they weren’t physically attracted to you anymore, and not in love with you, could you ever come back from that?

This happened with my DP (we have one child together) and now he wants to try again - without taking back any of the above. We haven’t been intimate for many months now and I don’t know if I can trust him again or feel secure. Has anyone experienced this or similar? Could you trust them again or was it the end?

OP posts:

alittleadvicepls · 28/08/2023 07:55

What’s changed in the past few months? Is he now attracted again or in love? Are you sure he meant what he said or was it said in the heat of an argument?
Not sure what I would do tbh. My head would tell me to run but my heart would confuse things especially if I still loved him!

Vegandiva · 28/08/2023 07:58

Sounds like he was cheating and it didn’t work out with the OW, I don’t think you will be able to trust him again after this.

I am sorry you are going through this 💐

Original poster

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 07:58

@alittleadvicepls No his feelings haven’t changed, and it’s something he said repeatedly not just in the heat of the moment. He wants to try again now (partly as we have a DC together) but still feels v distant from me - I just don’t know what basis we have to try again, can you start from the position of having ‘fallen out of love’ and try to get back in love again? I guess that’s my question.

OP posts:

Perfect28 · 28/08/2023 08:01

Possibly, if you both want it to work and you get therapy together etc. Otherwise probably not. It's pretty hurtful to be told you're not physically attractive. I'm not objectively but my partner has always said (at least said just to be kind) that I am to him. It's the hurtful nature of the comment I'm not sure I could forget. Fallen out of love is just a catch all phrase to say the spark has gone, things have changed etc which is always going to happen in a long term relationship.

alittleadvicepls · 28/08/2023 08:04

I do believe you can start ‘dating’ your partner again to get the spark back. But moving past the hurt of his comments might be an issue for me.
Do YOU want to try again OP?

And as a PP mentioned, do you think he could’ve been seeing someone else and it didn’t work out and now he wants back in? I wouldn’t be able to try again if I didn’t know the full truth of what may have happened.

Original poster

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 08:08

I don’t think he was seeing someone else. I’m pretty sure about that.

In terms of whether I want to try, I’m not sure. My main issue is whether I could ever feel secure again with him, even if the ‘spark’ etc came back. Would I always be questioning things in the back of my mind? Sometimes I feel like a certain line has been crossed and I can’t go back again.

OP posts:

Coffeeandanap · 28/08/2023 08:10

My partner did this to me many years ago, just after I’d had our baby. He frankly told me that he didn’t find me attractive and I’d let myself go. He said he was just being honest but did still love me.

It obviously hurt and I felt incredibly self conscious but I also knew I had put on weight and was bigger than I was when I’d met him. I still took care of my clothes, hair and makeup so ‘letting myself go’ felt a little unfair.

I did things to try to feel better about myself and lose the weight, we started doing things together on our own - I don’t like the term date nights but that’s what they were.

it rebuilt intimacy slowly over time but if I’m honest I didn’t shake the fact that affection and intimacy always depended on me remaining a certain size. I don’t know if you can come back from that in your own head.

He had many other horrible qualities and we eventually split. I’m not saying this is true of your partner but mine objectified women and felt entitled to cheat.

Rainydays777 · 28/08/2023 08:11

It won’t work. It might limp on for a while, but ultimately it won’t work. Why set yourself up for further heartache down the line when you could find someone who is physically attracted to you and doesn’t tell you they’re not in love with you, and expect you to be ok with it?

frazzledasarock · 28/08/2023 08:14

Do what you want. Have you both split and you’re in your own home and have set your own life up and are moving on?

if so do you think he’s realised he preferred having you around doing all the practical things you did when around so he didn’t have to?

once split I wouldn’t go back, especially not after what he said and he hasn’t even apologised. If it was a good enough reason to break up initially why is it fine now for him?

I think he’s found the grass isn’t greener. I’d not want to be with someone who told me they didn’t find me attractive and didn’t love me. So why on earth would he want to be with you without the above? So you can cook/clean/contribute to the bills/be childcare etc? No thank you.

Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 08:16

Having another DC will not fix this OP. It will add more pressure and you will be vulnerable. Have a good think about what you want your future to look like. You deserve to be happy.

Richmondgal · 28/08/2023 08:17

Do not have another child fgs

Original poster

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 08:19

@frazzledasarock we still live together but are separated, facing the reality of getting different houses etc…

He wants to work on things and for them to improve, not to stay like this forever. We would try counselling again, etc.

But I don’t know if I can, I just feel this apprehension now, almost a fear of getting too close.

@Rainydays777 interested in why you think it definitely won’t work?

OP posts:

Original poster

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 08:19

I meant trying again in the relationship!
we’re not trying for a baby to be clear, that is not on the cards at all

OP posts:

Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 08:21

Oh thank goodness. Listen to your intuition.

alittleadvicepls · 28/08/2023 08:21

No harm in starting therapy and go from there. You don’t have to make a decision right now?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/08/2023 08:21

I would get counselling for yourself to help yourself work out what your own views and needs and conditions are and how to communicate them and if you want to try again then to do relationship therapy together.

You don't have to stay with him just because he's now offering it to you though. You deserve to have your needs (eg for your partner to find you attractive) met and if he isn't even on a path to making that happen ...

Rainydays777 · 28/08/2023 08:23

@Limebaseball the man has literally told you he doesn’t love you. I’m more interested to know why on earth part of you thinks it will work!

why don’t you think you deserve better?!

HoneyBalloon · 28/08/2023 08:23

It will be very hard to forget what he said

TerrorOwls · 28/08/2023 08:24

You need to have a proper conversation.
If he says he wants to try again because deep down he loves you and wants to make the relationship work, it's totally different to not really being into you anymore but it'll be convenient if we can sort it out.

Go with your instincts.

MagpiePi · 28/08/2023 08:26

So he’s realised that he’ll have to do his own cooking and cleaning if you split up?

Original poster

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 08:28

@TerrorOwls we have had a lot of conversations, he says at the moment he still feels that way (not attracted etc) - but thinks there may be a way to get back to our previous feelings (we were once very in love and happy)… but I wonder how do I open up to this possibility when I’ve been so hurt?

OP posts:

Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 08:30

It sounds like he just wants a housekeeper.

Original poster

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 08:31

@HoneyBalloon this is what I fear, that I can’t forget even if things improve

In terms of why not try again, I’m really not sure I can go through the heartbreak all over again… I’m still relatively young and I’ve been so miserable, I’m not sure how much more I can take tbh.

OP posts:

mummabubs · 28/08/2023 08:31

I'm so sorry OP, this is a horrible situation you're in. I can relate in that my DH said (on several occasions) after our son was worn that he didn't find me as physically attractive anymore due to how my body had changed after having a baby. On one occasion he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to still be with me.

That was four years ago... We are still married and have had another child. My DH has apologised profusely for his comments about my body, although he is still having to accept the fallout from his comments. (I felt completely unable to be intimate with him for a long time afterwards and our relationship was hugely impacted by his behaviour. The fact that he could be so hurtful changed how I viewed him). He now views it as a "mid-life crisis" period where he didn't know what he wanted - he was also unsure about things like where we should live and whether to have another child, so he was wobbling over a lot of things.

I'm glad we worked through it all, but it was definitely hard work and took a long time. I'm mindful that he never told me that he didn't love me anymore, I'm not sure if I could have come back from that. My DH also actively tried to be intimate again and repair the rupture he'd caused, whereas you say your DH is still being cold and distant with you? I'm sorry that there's no easy answer, but the one thing I would advise is do not consider having another child with him until you know where you both stand with your relationship. X

HoneyBalloon · 28/08/2023 08:33

@Limebaseball Something similar happened to me and on some level it affected all my behaviour in the relationship from that point onwards. When it ended I realised the relationship really had no chance after he said what he said.

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