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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a relationship come back from this?

74 replies

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 07:52

If your long term partner told you they weren’t physically attracted to you anymore, and not in love with you, could you ever come back from that?

This happened with my DP (we have one child together) and now he wants to try again - without taking back any of the above. We haven’t been intimate for many months now and I don’t know if I can trust him again or feel secure. Has anyone experienced this or similar? Could you trust them again or was it the end?

OP posts:

Original poster

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 14:16

@longtompot thank you, I’m trying to figure it out, I thought I wanted to stay together (for our child and for me as well) but now that’s on the table it just seems too hard to go back, forgive and forget especially as v little has changed.

@Alcemeg I’m not sure really, I think he’s scared of spitting (as am I), all the financial, emotional and practical implications…

I can see most think it’s a hopeless situation - some suggestions re counselling but I think I would need to have hope that it could lead somewhere…

It seems like I need to say it’s not good enough, he can’t make me happy anymore, in fact the whole thing is painful and has ruined my self esteem.

@bjrce yes this is a big fear of mine, the sense of wasting the time I have left waiting for something to improve and then it never happening…

@Prelapsarianhag i do worry about my mental health - it has been very low in this time, like nothing I’ve had before. We get on well as friends and he doesn’t mean to hurt me, I know that. But the whole situation has nearly destroyed me at points.

OP posts:

Original poster

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 14:16

@BreakfastClub80 yes that’s it - could I ever believe it and feel secure again? I’m not the most secure person anyway so I think the answer, sadly, is no.

OP posts:

Laburnam · 28/08/2023 14:21

I think it would take a seismic change from him but even with that I doubt it will stand the test of time

Original poster

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 18:31

@Laburnam yes I fear you are right - I need to start thinking a bit more long term…

OP posts:

PaintedEgg · 28/08/2023 18:43

it sounds like he doesn't want to "split" instead of "trying again"

As you've said, he's scared of the hassle and financial mess that comes with splitting households. it's more convenient to stay together but that's not a relationship - that's being roommates with extra steps and it will all go up in flames once either of you will meet someone else

BeMoreBarbie · 28/08/2023 19:44

Why would you want it to come back from that? Life is short. Spend it with someone who adores you. Leave.

MissHarrietBede · 28/08/2023 20:05

He will expect you to run yourself ragged to prove you are 'worthy' of him staying, and he'll fuck off with someone else anyway.

Sod that. Keep the separation going.

HeddaGarbled · 28/08/2023 20:09

It’s such a nasty and cruel thing to say and that’s what’s unforgivable. An honourable person, even if they felt that way, would not say it out loud. It was designed to hurt you and a man who could be that cruel will be very bad for your long-term happiness.

Theredjellybean · 28/08/2023 20:31

HE is the one who needs to be doing the work...the work to win you back..to prove to you he wants to be with you FFS

He sounds very half hearted in his efforts ? Is he making you feel desirable and attractive ? is he suggesting dates and doing nice things for you ?

if the answer to above is yes, then maybe give him a chance but i fear he is just finding being separated a bit of a chore and thinks he can just move back to where he wants to be which is having a comfortable like ..he knows how insecure you are feeling and he will use that to keep you in your place .

do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling as if you are waiting for the axe to fall ? and doing the 'pick me dance' continually ? Imagine never being able to relax in comfy sloppy clothes with 3 day old hair up in a scrunchy and your comfy granny pants on ?

TicTacNicNak · 28/08/2023 20:53

So he thinks he can snap his fingers and you'll come running back, grateful for any crumbs of affection he's handing out?

Take back the control OP. Tell him you've thought deeply about it and you find his attitude repugnant and unforgivable.

You say you're still young, so don't hang around trying to please this waster, forever worrying that he'll change his mind again. There will be someone out there who will adore you and cherish you without all this game playing. Please don't waste your years with someone who doesn't deserve you.

Newnamehiwhodis · 29/08/2023 04:09

My ex did that to me, and after the hurt had faded a bit, I discovered that I just couldn’t respect him anymore.
I look back at photos of me then, and I was thin and lovely - and I felt the ugliest I’ve ever felt in my life.

he just damaged your self-esteem; when you heal, when you realize that you are attractive and a very lovable person, you are the one who may not be able to feel the same way about him.

he has broken something that’s not repairable, not really.

daisychain01 · 29/08/2023 05:01

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 08:08

I don’t think he was seeing someone else. I’m pretty sure about that.

In terms of whether I want to try, I’m not sure. My main issue is whether I could ever feel secure again with him, even if the ‘spark’ etc came back. Would I always be questioning things in the back of my mind? Sometimes I feel like a certain line has been crossed and I can’t go back again.

Always follow your instincts, they will never let you down.

He's been clear that he doesn't find you attractive anymore, that's the bottom line. That's very harsh and not something you can ignore, it's whether you're prepared to settle for that situation, because it won't change, how can it.

Once someone has said that, it's unlikely to be reversed, if anything it'll only get worse - he's shown his hand and now arrogantly expects you to set that to one side and carry on as if nothing has happened, because surely you must be grateful for another chance with this Prince Amongst Men.

Newestname002 · 29/08/2023 06:03

@Limebaseball

You say "We get on well as friends and he doesn’t mean to hurt me, I know that."

But also

it’s something he said repeatedly not just in the heat of the moment.

This is no friend, who will continually be so hurtful, who knows which buttons to press to hurt you - and will continually do so. What does that do for your self-esteem?

It's time to pull back and protect yourself because being in a close relationship with someone who keeps you off balance like this does you little/no good and he doesn't deserve any more chances.

If you haven't already done so, I'd suggest discreetly looking into your financial situation eg: if you own your home together check what the market value is and what your share of equity is, check on www.Gov.uk and/or www.entitledto.co.uk to see what, if any benefits/universal credit you'd be entitled to, how much child maintenance you'd get from him for your shared child. Check with a Mortgage broker her what you could afford the buy. If you rent/lease together who's name is on the contract and can you afford to take it over entirely?

Ensure child benefit is paid into your account. Excerpt from the Gov.uk website:

By claiming Child Benefit, you can get:
• an allowance paid to you for each child - you’ll usually get it every 4 weeks
• National Insurance creditss which count towards your State Pensionn
• a National Insurance number for your child without them having to apply for one - they’ll usually get the number shortly before they turn 16 years old
If you choose not to get Child Benefit payments, you should still make a claim to get the other advantages.
Knowing what your financial position could be if/when you decide to go ahead with the split will take away some of the uncertainty he's causing.

I really hope the future improve for you, OP, whatever your decision. 🌹

SpringleDingle · 29/08/2023 07:47

Fuck that shit!!! You deserve to be adored and he has blown it. No there is no coming back from this, he made his bed and now he needs to lie in it. You can do better.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/08/2023 07:55

I really think you should give up on this one. He sounds quite cruel actually. It seems to me that he doesn't want you to split up for financial reasons. Do you earn more than him? Either way, I think it's time to part.

caringcarer · 29/08/2023 08:48

He told you he doesn't love you and isn't attracted to you anymore so no if you stayed together it would wreck your self esteem. I'd tell him you deserve a partner who loves you. I'd get ducks in a row and break up but try to keep things amicable as far as I could.

Original poster

Limebaseball · 29/08/2023 10:04

Thank you all. I think I know deep down that this relationship isn’t good for me anymore but I really struggle to be the one to end things - for some reason this feels almost impossible to me.

OP posts:

PaintedEgg · 29/08/2023 10:31

Limebaseball · 29/08/2023 10:04

Thank you all. I think I know deep down that this relationship isn’t good for me anymore but I really struggle to be the one to end things - for some reason this feels almost impossible to me.

and it is very likely that he feels the same way - he knows the relationship is dead, but struggles to figure out a way to end it. if he could - he would, and once someone else will come along, be will.

Original poster

Limebaseball · 29/08/2023 10:59

Thank you @PaintedEgg , I think you’re right. I was hoping for his ‘old self’ to come back but now I’m realising it won’t, it can’t because too much has happened - it feels like a kind of grief tbh 😞

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 29/08/2023 11:47

He wants to keep his comfortable life a new baby will lock that life in because its incredibly difficult to be a single parent especially in the primary years if you have another baby with him your locked in for 11/12 years

You deserve better as does your child

PaintedEgg · 29/08/2023 11:47

@Limebaseball and it is very much a grieving period, so don't be too hard on yourself.

And you deserve to be loved, so don't settle for someone who is only after convenience of your relationship and not you as a person.

Disturbia81 · 29/08/2023 17:52

Nope I could never come back from that. You deserve to be with someone who is attracted to you and adores you. Life is too short for anything else.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/08/2023 19:59

Limebaseball · 29/08/2023 10:04

Thank you all. I think I know deep down that this relationship isn’t good for me anymore but I really struggle to be the one to end things - for some reason this feels almost impossible to me.

Ok rather than ending things write a list of 'for me to be happy and for us to be together this is what I need from my partner.... can you do all of that? How are you going to make sure/make me believe you can?'

He'll say this is too much to ask, or no, and he'll have to walk or he'll say he can and you'll ask him how he knows and he wont be able to come Ip with anything. Then decision is made for you x

Original poster

Limebaseball · 31/08/2023 23:19

I have done something like this thank you @Unexpectedlysinglemum.

He is actually making an effort but I fear it’s just too little too late 😞

OP posts:

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