Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a relationship come back from this?

74 replies

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 07:52

If your long term partner told you they weren’t physically attracted to you anymore, and not in love with you, could you ever come back from that?

This happened with my DP (we have one child together) and now he wants to try again - without taking back any of the above. We haven’t been intimate for many months now and I don’t know if I can trust him again or feel secure. Has anyone experienced this or similar? Could you trust them again or was it the end?

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 28/08/2023 08:37

I'm not sure it can. He obviously hasn't considered your feelings at all when saying these things. I think I would always have that niggling doubt in my mind x

mummabubs · 28/08/2023 08:46

Sorry OP, took me so long to type I didn't see your update about being separated and him still maintaining all of the unkind things he's said. Personally it doesn't sound like there's much to salvage at this point. As you say, you're young and could end up with someone else who thinks the world of you and loves you just as you are, for you. You deserve that x

Scousemousey · 28/08/2023 08:53

Listen to your instincts on this. I wouldn't be able to get past the things he said. He has altered the basis of your relationship and I think you deserve better. Maybe he doesn't want to have to deal with the break up mess, and as a PP said, his own housework! Look after yourself 💐

Dotty87 · 28/08/2023 09:00

Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 08:31

@HoneyBalloon this is what I fear, that I can’t forget even if things improve

In terms of why not try again, I’m really not sure I can go through the heartbreak all over again… I’m still relatively young and I’ve been so miserable, I’m not sure how much more I can take tbh.

Listen to your gut instinct, as others have said it does sound as though the reality of having to live alone and all that goes with that has hit home for him. It's a lot of work and heartbreak for you to put yourself through if, as you've said, you aren't sure.

You deserve to be with someone who loves and finds you attractive, it sounds like you've lost sight of that.

Original poster
Limebaseball · 28/08/2023 09:24

Dotty87 · 28/08/2023 09:00

Listen to your gut instinct, as others have said it does sound as though the reality of having to live alone and all that goes with that has hit home for him. It's a lot of work and heartbreak for you to put yourself through if, as you've said, you aren't sure.

You deserve to be with someone who loves and finds you attractive, it sounds like you've lost sight of that.

Show quote history

Thank you @Dotty87 - I think I have not had clear boundaries about what was acceptable for me as I kept trying to make it work even after he said those things. I haven’t had the sense that I deserve someone who adores me it’s true, although recently I’ve realised I’m not hideously unattractive, which is what my relationship had started to make me feel.

In recent months I got somewhat used to the idea of separating, so now this has my head spinning a bit - it’s what I thought I wanted but now it feels impossible to come back from what’s happened.

OP posts:
SweetcornFritter · 28/08/2023 09:34

When my ex told me he no longer found me attractive physically, emotionally or in any other way those words were the final nails in the coffin. No way could I forgive or forget such a hurtful thing to say. If you’re a more forgiving person and have the appetite to really fight for your marriage it may work, but I wouldn’t put money on it.

AllPaws4 · 28/08/2023 09:37

It actually seems like a form of abuse and control. You would spend the rest of your life on tenterhooks, never sure whether speaking up about your feelings and needs will start him off again. If you take him back now, with this less than lukewarm, attempt to win you back, I can almost guarantee he will forever see you as a pushover and less than him. Please don’t do it. Get rid now or condemn yourself to escalating abuse and a rubbish life for your child.

Dotcheck · 28/08/2023 09:41

Why would you want to ‘work on the relationship’ after he said such hurtful things?
I’m amazed that so many are suggesting therapy.

Staying with him would basically mean that you both acknowledge and agree that you don’t deserve to be loved or physically wanted. It will wear down your self esteem daily.
Cue a few moths/ years in the future and his head is turned. He’ll then justify it by saying that you knew he wasn’t in love with you any more….

Dotty87 · 28/08/2023 09:51

@Limebaseball I think that's a very important starting point, working on your self esteem and thinking about what it is that you want out of an ideal relationship. I think you know that this isn't it, and you're letting guilt and obligation to him take over.
Stick to to your plan, he initiated this and nothing has changed, stay strong as breaking up further down the line (which will happen) will only be harder.
Put yourself first.

SPF50 · 28/08/2023 09:51

I feel so bad for you. You are young so in the future you will probably get wrinkles and middle age spread, grey hair, sagging body parts (not all older people) will he still love you then? It’s exhausting having to maintain a certain look to keep someone happy. It sounds to me like his has been grinding you down, saying hurtful things and did not think you would go through with leaving him. Now he can see that you are ok with the idea of separation, he suddenly wants to try and make it work. Be careful as that is emotional abuse if done on purpose.

FiddleLeaf · 28/08/2023 09:53

In my experience it means he met someone else and he’s come crawling back after that didn’t work out

AngelinaFibres · 28/08/2023 10:10

My exhusband told me that the spark had gone. He told me I was physically repulsive and having sex with me made his flesh crawl. What a peach. Then he decided that we should try again. Then he left. Turned out there was a 17 year old at work that he was on/ off shagging. It was 27 years ago and your thread reminded me of it. However I am now married to a fabulous man who loves me absolutely and totally and the girl my exhusband left me for has just divorced him. Find a man who truly loves you Op. It's a whole other world.

Mmhmmn · 28/08/2023 10:17

Why settle for that?

Alcemeg · 28/08/2023 10:45

So sorry OP, how deeply hurtful for you Flowers

I just don't understand, if that's how he feels, why he apparently wants to keep on trying? What is he expecting you to do about it?

Alcemeg · 28/08/2023 10:46

@AngelinaFibres
Find a man who truly loves you Op. It's a whole other world.

I'd second this

WatieKatie · 28/08/2023 10:54

I feel for you OP as being told that he’s no longer attracted to you is gut wrenching. Please don’t let this impact your confidence.

He wants the security and benefits that come with a relationship but it doesn’t sound like he necessarily wants you. I do wonder if he thought he had someone waiting in the wings and that has fallen through. Something must have changed for him to want to try again.

If he isn’t attracted to you what’s the point? Personally I’d say no and continue to go your own separate way. You’ve come through a lot already, keep pushing forward for your own sake. If you give him another chance he’ll do this again.

erikbloodaxe · 28/08/2023 10:58

Not if you have any self respect.

zazasabore · 28/08/2023 11:01

That is such a rubbish offer - how can you even contemplate for a second going back to such a man. Have more pride in yourself. Why fall on this measly scrap with he has offered to you like manna from Heaven - which it most definitely is not. Even if he loved bombed you with red roses everyday for a hundred years - he has had his chips. If you dont think you're worth more he certainly won't. If he was the last man on earth - still don't start this again.

MMmomDD · 28/08/2023 11:13

@Limebaseball
Its hard to comment to this without knowing a lot more about the relationship and what lead you to this place.

If you genuinely loved each other and were happy - and nothing unforgivable went on - i do think relationships could get in a rut and reach a crisis point. Having kids often lands people there.
And in this case - his words just signify his unhappiness, rather than permanent and deep feelings.

In that sort of situation - your first step is counselling. Getting down to the roots of your problems and feelings is a must. Then you can see of anything can change.

In another scenario - if the relationship had been dying for a long time and a lot of resentments accumulated on your end - then maybe the energy required for even attempting to try to change anything - is too much.

It does seem that both of you still have feelings for each other. Or you’d have proceeded to go your own ways.
You dont need to make a big decision right away. Trying some counselling doesnt commit you to fixing it.
Why not try and see how it feels?

pamplemoussemousse · 28/08/2023 11:22

For me, personally, there is absolutely no way I would want any sort of relationship with someone who told me they found me physically unattractive, let alone someone who didn't love me.

I deserve much more than that, as do you.

I'd also be inclined to think he'd had someone else on the go and it had come to an end so now he's backtracking.

longtompot · 28/08/2023 11:23

What do you want @Limebaseball ? It's not just his decision. Do you still want to be in a relationship with him or do you want to go your separate ways? It sounds like you won't ever trust him again knowing what he thinks of you, and quite rightly too.

YukoandHiro · 28/08/2023 11:24

I would struggle to be honest.
It's always going to be in the back of your mind, even if he claims his feelings have changed. I suspect you'd be happier alone than carrying on

bjrce · 28/08/2023 12:14

OP

What happens if you agree to his arrangement - stay living together (because it suits him!), then one day when he finds himself attracted to someone else, he will leave you in a heartbeat.

Put yourself first - you're still young. He is not worthy of you.

Prelapsarianhag · 28/08/2023 14:00

If you stay this relationship will have a bad effect on your mental health. You will be on eggshells all the time. You deserve to be wanted and loved and to feel safe in that, not this arsehole's pathetic offer.

BreakfastClub80 · 28/08/2023 14:12

If he turned around tomorrow and said the spark is back, I’m attracted to you again and falling in love with you….. would you believe him? What would make you believe him?

Personally, I don’t think I’d ever believe this again so would be walking on eggshells and not fully invested in the relationship. You serve so much more.