"But we took you to stately homes" part 3

[oneplusone]

Sorry for starting part 3 if it has already been started but i logged on just now and found the previous thread has reached 1000 posts. And my title is not very inspiring, Ally90, please help!

Oh Matildax, don't stop posting, it will help you see it all in a different light and hopefully make you realise that you are not alone in feeling like this from time to time.

I am getting better in not thinking that my husband and children hate me. Whereas I used to think like that 6 days out of 7 a week I now only think so 1 day a month, I then now that it is almost that time of the month .

For me the big change was when I broke off contact with my parents.

Your children do love you and they need you.

Remember you are trying to make things better for yourself and for your children and husband.

matildax, sorry you're feeling so down at the moment. I can't say for anyone else but you're certainly not pissing me off by being negative. Thats what this thread is all about isn't it? To support each other no matter how we are feeling but especially when we are feeling low. I'm always having lots of rants on here and getting advice but am not so great at giving it, so keep posting and I'm sure these good people who help me so much will be more than happy to help and support you too.

Has anything in specific made you feel this way today Matildax?

Hello maisemor and mampam. thanks for your kind words.
Its funny because I thought I was coping well, and when i came across this thread I thought it would help me, and in a few ways it has,(knowing that there is help out there and others feel the same way, and seem to have the same emotional "problems.")
However it has also stirred up a lot of suppressed emotions. for example the last few weeks i havent slept well and have reoccurring dreams, or should that be nightmares.
I also feel like i am betraying my family, by discussing my childhood.
I know worse things happen to others, and they seem so "normal",(i hate that word!!) so why when I am a grown woman with a family of my own, do I feel like a lost scared little girl, who feels inferior to everyone??

Tomorrow is another day I suppose, i hope i feel more positive then......
All my love to all of you. xx

Message withdrawn

oneplusone, Im glad you can see something in my posts about MILs that could help you! Mampan, It sounds like the grandmother is toxic. I do think that if your husband has actually managed to go as far as to cut out his parents then he has had his realisation, and that does usually mean there is no going me. <span class="italic">Realising</span> what your family is like is by far the hardest and most difficult step. I think maybe he should write the letter but of course, be prepared for a backlash. Or he could just not bother to reply. <strong>Either</strong> <strong>way</strong>, his grandmother will continue to take the side of the family and will continue to behave as though he is the problem, so he cant win, really. Perhaps best not to bother to write the letter and without the hope of a kind reply (which he wont get), maybe hell be avoiding more pain?

matildax, please keep posting. About the spending, Danae and I discuss our spending problems a little on the previous page. So you see, its not because you are faulty- many of us on here have a strange relationship with money, probably a coping mechanism due to our childhood. ITs just yet another thing that I have recently had to recognise and realise about myself, but that is the first step to dealing with it.
I tested myself by going to a kids clothes shop the other day (DDs clothes are my weakness). I failed , I came out with a gorgeous top for her! Oh well, a long way to go yet. Please keep reading this thread and posting. Its has taken me such a long time to reach the point where I am now and I remember so clearly feeling as you do, and if someone were to tell me that if just experienced the sadness and anger of my childhood, then they would eventually go away, I wouldnT have believed them, but its true.
MAtildax, same to you. The nightmares are a sign that your brain is healing, I think. Your mind knows that you arent a helpless child anymore and you actually are safe to feel angry at the things that happened to you as a child. It wasnt safe when you were little so your mind went into survival mode and stored up all the memories for a future time. IT looks like the time is now. Also, if you actually had experienced the pain you should have as a child, you may have done something drastic (I know I might have taken my life at my lowest points- I was definitely cutting myself at age 11). But by hiding your anger in your mind, your brain allowed you to have some kind of normalish childhood (I remember laughing with friends)
NOw is the time to undo the fake person and find the real, hurt, scared child underneath, and take that child and turn her into a strong adult. I think that is what ou brains are trying to do when we start having flashbacks and nightmares.

Podmog, I'm sniggering with you

Sakura, DH has decided that he's definitely going to write and send that letter, so I guess I'll just sit back and wait for the repercussions.

I too used to self harm, it was a way of venting my anger and hurt. It was like I needed to feel the pain to try and make sense of it all. It's hard to explain. My flashbacks have only started in the last 3 months since my last birthday, I don't know if this has any significance or not. In many ways I wish I didn't remember things that happened in the past but in other ways I'm glad that I do because its giving me some kind of sense of myself and an insight into my own behaviour.

This afternoon I'm am taking my children to my mothers house for a tea party for my nieces 1st birthday (dc's were invited by text message). I'm only going because I want to see my niece and haven't seen her since last summer.

Last week I had a phonecall from my mother(she was drunk as usual), asking if I would like to go to my godmothers 60th birthday party. I said I wouldn't be able to make it on the said week end and the reply I got was something along the lines of 'oh well I won't bother phoning so and so back then because I said it would only be me and dad going'. Why did she bother to ask me then? Also in same phonecall she said she had an Easter present for my dc's and perhaps I could go and get them or she would drop them off. I didn't respond to this. I just thought to myself if she's got something she wants to give to the dc's she must bloody well come around and give it to them. She didn't come around but then I knew she wouldn't as she's only been to our house once in the 10months we have lived here. She drives past our house umpteen times a week.

So yet again I am left a bit annoyed. She can put on a tea party for my brothers daughter but she can't be bothered with a 10 minute drive to give 2 of her other grandchildren something for Easter.

to you Matildax. That is a hard upbringing to have had.
Hope it has helped to have written it all down. You should be very proud of yourself. That takes a lot of courage.
Do you think you would be strong enough to go speak to somebody professional about this?
Sorry not very good with the advice.

matilda- just couldnt read your post without replying.

You are so brave for writing that post. I hope it has helped you to share this here.

No wonder you are finding this all so hard. There are layers and layers of abuse you have suffered.That of you grandfather, emotional abuse and neglect by your immediate family.

Please be kind to yourself. What you need to give yourself is kindness now, do not judge yourself by these poeples standards.
Your mother has failed you terribly! What they did and they way they treated you would have been damaging to an adult...let alone a 4 year old innocent girl!

Remember that none of this is your fault and is not as a consequence of any flaw in you.
This is a brave first step and I just hope you can keep going on from here.

In other words dont you dare stop posting now !

matildax, well done for posting; just allowing yourself to remember and feel your emotions from when you were a child is a positive step and like sakura said, as a child you couldn't allow yourself to feel your own pain and hurt but as an adult you can and know you can survive it. It is painful feeling the hurt from your childhood, but after the pain the wound starts to heal and you will feel better.

Although as pages said this journey will probably never end, i feel i have come such a long way since it all started for me around 18 months ago.

There has been a huge internal shift in the way i feel and think about myself. I no longer constantly mentally put myself down and think i am useless and inadequate and a failure. Now i actually think i am ok just the way i am and that i deserve to be treated with respect like everyone else. It is amazingly liberating for me to feel this way, i am seeing the world through new eyes and feel i have an inner strength and confidence that i simply didn't have before.

So, this is a long winded way of saying that although this journey is painful it is worth the 'reward' you will reap as you go along.

Read as much as you can about this subject and just allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling, however unpleasant and painful, that has been the key for me.

Matildax, sometimes it can do us good to just blurt things out and thats what you have done in your post. Well done .

My mother definitely has 'secret' drinking sessions and you hit the nail on the head when you say about having no recollection in the morning of her 'cruel words' the previous night. Some of the things my mother has said to me I wouldn't dream of ever saying to anyone let alone my own daughter. My younger brother is 11 years my junior and he has to put up with what I call 'the drinking years'(I moved out of home when I was 17). Some of the things that have happened to him and some of the things he has seen over the years whilst my mother has been under the influence of alcohol have been worthy of Social Services seriously getting involved.

Like you I have stopped looking upon her as my 'mum'. I don't really know what I see her as now to be truthful, although I do feel as if she is a burden to me. (I do feel really guilty though that I should feel that way about my own mother).

It sounds to me as if your mother and sisters are in denial because they feel guilty to some extent. Maybe your mum feels guilty because she was never there and always working, if she was there you wouldn't have had to spend so much time at your Nana's house. I'm not blaming your mum, I'm just trying to think of a reason why she would be in denial about what really happened to you.

Matildax, you sound so strong after all that you've been through. Me on the otherhand, I've been on the brink of tears all day because I'm going to go to my mothers house later this afternoon. I know how left out I'm going to feel. What a wimp!!

hi everyone, i cant be on long, my son is poorly with a throat infection (just been to the drs with him)
Thankyou all for your kind words.
i myself feel really sick and had some kind of panic attack earlier today, after posting. your right, mampam, i responded to your post, and everything just came spilling out, i still am quite shaky and very very tearful.
maybe it is time for me to return to the psychologist, maybe now i can finally talk about this.
like i said earlier i thought i was coping ok, but obviously not. however, i also feel i have done a terrible thing by posting, and feel really quite nervous,(in some ways i feel like i have been stripped bare in front of strangers, and am really uncomfortable.) but i think i am just really confused.,
im going to put my little ones to bed, and have a hot bath, hopefully then i will be calmer.
you have all been so so kind to me, i want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart xx

matilda-

'i also feel i have done a terrible thing by posting, and feel really quite nervous,(in some ways i feel like i have been stripped bare in front of strangers, and am really uncomfortable.)'

You were 'made to feel' like you had done a terrible thing as a child by letting those that should have cared for you know...I think you are possibly re-experiencing this now.
I dont know but just logically acknowleding that fact might help you...hope so. xx

Matildax, just remember that we are all strangers yes, but we believe you and we are here to support you if you want us to. You have shared something very personal with us which took alot of courage, but you'll never have to worry about bumping into us on the street or ever coming face to face with us.

Only return to talk to the psychologist if and when you feel ready. There's no need to rush into anything. I think we've all realised that everything needs to be taken with baby steps. So don't feel you have to do anything or talk to anyone until you are good and ready to do so.

I hope you feel a bit better about things tomorrow. Take Care xxx

Matildax, exactly as Smithfield said, the panic and confusion you are feeling is because you are emotionally still that little child: frightened as to what repercussions there will be and what punishment you will face now that you have exposed the familys secret. But dont worry- you are an adult now, with adult powers, so there will be no "punishment" or terrible thing that will happen to you.
I really honestly think that your mother knew, probably even before you were checked out by the doctor. I know it might be to soon and too sad to conemplate this, but I dont think your grandad loved you <span class="italic">as</span> <span class="italic">you</span> <span class="italic">deserved</span> <span class="italic">to</span> <span class="italic">be</span> <span class="italic">loved</span>. You didnt deserve a grandad who did that, you deserved a kinder one, who would never ever have contemplated touching his granddaughter. And you deserved good and kind parents who would have whisked you away as soon as there was any hint that something was going on. But, through no fault of your own, you had faulty carers as a child, who were totally in the wrong in all of this.

I have been reading this thread for the last few hours and have been really moved by what I've read. A lot of what has been said on here really resonates with me and I hope it's OK for me to join in. This thread has brought a lot of feelings to the surface and I think I've got lots of food for thought.

Thanks so much all of you for sharing your experiences - you can't possibly know how helpful it is.

Will post more tomorrow as am now exhausted from reading

HI gloriana and welcome, glad this thread is helping.

Matildax, the feeling of shame, being stripped bare, is a natural one to feel when you have kept a secret for most of your life and not been believed when you have ventured to tell someone, especially the people that matter. I too suspect your mother knows you were telling the truth. It is unfortunately, though, an almost "textbook" reaction for family members to deny it, say it didn't happen and that you are lying.

My past was different from yours, but I too carried the shame and blame for the rest of my family all my life and my younger siblings and mother have, like yours, denied my reality and called me a liar because they cannot cope with the idea for a million reasons. Keeping up the myth of the perfect family is almost like a religion in a dysfuncytional family (which yours was) and some people are just not brave enough to look inside themselves and speak the truth the way you have.

Whatever feelings you are left with after telling the truth about what happened to you on here(and we ALL believe you, without any doubt) you will and CAN deal with them. As Sakura said you are an adult now, so you have power, and not only that, whatever your worst fears or whatever outcome you expect, nothing is worse than living with this inside your head. My very worst fear all my life (and it has affected everything I have done to some extent) was my mother and family abandoning me. Now that it has happened, it really isn't that bad, I don't know what I was worrying about because I don't need them to like me to know that I am a nice person anymore - in fact it is liberating because there is nothing left to fear. (Hope that makes sense).

I can't recollect if you have read "Toxic Parents" but I imagine it would really help you, there is a specific chapter on sexual abuse. And counselling will really help, even though as I am sure you are aware it will be hard - but really worth it in the end if it means you can become the happy person that you were meant to be before your family hurt you so terribly. HTH xx

Hi 3Nab, I'm just so saddened by all that. Here is you reciting it all as an adult...but all that happened to a little dd. How bloody cruel and sadistic can you be? There seems to be a total lack of humanity in your mother, totally heartless to you. But none of how she was was your fault, you know that? You didn't deserve to be treated that way, not even your worst enemey should be treated like that. I think your mother must of had a horrific childhood to come out like this, and damaged to such an extent she could not even think of you as a small human being with needs and wants too. You have done incrediably well emotionally to come out and still have feelings and understand that other people have them too. You have succeeded and surpassed her despite her malicious behaviour towards you. I think that calls for a round of applause with a few cheers Hope that is not too out of place...

Ally90 Thank you for that. My mother did have an awful childhood but her parents kept her. It still doesn't excuse why she was terrible for me. I am managing to get through the day without hopefully dmaging my kids too much. I just wish she cold have tried. She told my Nana she would kill herself if I didn't invite her to my wedding. (I didn't. She didn't) She threatened the same when my dad wanted to finish with her. She is causing trouble left right and centre but I haven't had any letters from her via my MIL for a year now, so hoping......still scared when I do the school pick up and I can't see my childrten straight away though.

3NAB, sorry I dont reply so much. I feel as though this thread dregs up a lot of old emotions for me that are best left resting at the moment, so its hard for me to get too involved in other peoples stories. But I just want to say that you were a perfect little girl as a child, but your mother was faulty. All little girls are born perfect and loveable, as were you. Treat yourself and your children as you would have liked to have been treated by your mother. This is the aim of all of us on this thread, I think. Every time we self-sabotage with money or drink or many other ways (Im thinking of the tatoos I have on my back!) we are letting them win!!

Sakura I agree. I am sure it pains my mother to know I have married a lovely lovely man and have 3 children by him, and he has stayed with me.

I also find I hard to read a lot of these posts and really must try harder too to try and help all of you who have so helped me.

I buy my children too many clothes and toys and I know it is because I didn't have many.

Hi all. I am constantly surprised by how I can feel fine, even happy one day, and come crashing down the next. It seems to hit me out of the blue without warning.

Yesterday I sent an email to my middle sister. She hadn't replied to my previous emails and I hated the feeling of powerlessness I had by having to wait for her to reply. I knew the relationship shouldn't be like that, I shouldn't be feeling anxious that she hasn't replied because she perhaps was annoyed with me about something. I think I have always known somewhere deep down that ever since I cut off my parents it wouldn't be possible to have a relationship with my sisters unless and until they decided to step out of the drama triangle. But I was not at all ready to cut myself off from them at the same time as my parents. I suppose I was longing to have a real relationship with them, to be close and open and honest with them. But that would have been in contradiction to how we had always lived our lives and there was no reason why things should be any different now from the way they were when we were children. But I suppose, until now, I simply didn't want to, or couldn't, face up to that.

I was never particularly close to either of my sisters. I used to think this was because of the age gap, but I realise now it was because that was the way my mother 'engineered' things. She effectively took my place as their sibling and cast me as the outsider. She was unconsciously acting out her own childhood issues and using me to do it. I suppose I imagined that somehow now that we were all older and married we would somehow become close but of course that was never going to happen. I was as a child always the outsider and I realise now I will always be the outsider even as an adult. I have written to my middle sister telling her about how i felt as a child, how hurt I used to feel at being left out of things and how lonely and sad I was. I told her if we are to have a relationship it has be something brand new, not carrying on from the past. We need to get to know each other from scratch as I know she has no idea who I really am inside, all she has ever seen is the angry person i was when we all lived at home with our parents.

In a weird way, 'letting go' of my sisters feels like a relief although it also makes me very sad. But it is a relief as i was holding onto something that was really an illusion, something i wanted really badly, but which didn't really exist. I imagine this is the way most of you feel about your parents and that is why it is so hard for you to cut yourselves off from them. I found it easy to cut myself off from my parents but I have found it much harder to do this with my sisters. I find it so hard to actually beleive that they are also willing to cut me off and it hurts a lot to know that.

As children it was almost as if I was not the eldest sister. They used to bully and mock me more in the way older siblings would treat their youngest sibling even though i was 5 years and 8 years older than them. I have always felt I shouldn't blame them for their behaviour as children as they were i'm sure unconsciously following my parents' lead in showing no respect for my feelings. But their behaviour towards me has continued into adulthood, albeit in a much more subtle way, although it has always been interspersed with 'niceness' so I suppose i have been very confused by them.

I had also wanted to keep a relationship with them for the sake of my children, I didn't want my DC's to miss out on knowing their aunties and cousins (to be) because of my issues with my sisters. But the price I would have to pay was proving too great and it somehow feels 'right' to not have a relationship with them now. Because there never was a relationship there in reality. It was all simply an illusion and somehow that has been so much harder for me to face up to and accept than knowing that my parents didn't love me. Knowing that my sisters don't love me hurts me much more. I don't really know why that is the case.

I feel completely alone now and yet I know it's not really a new feeling; I have always felt alone within my family. I suppose I have always believed in the illusion of my family and now I am facing the reality. There never was a real family, none of them ever really cared about me.

I can honestly say that facing up to all of this has been the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done in my whole life. (Giving birth was easy in comparison!) And yet I feel stronger for it and have so much more respect for myself for having the courage to do this. I would rather have the truth and reality any day than the lies and illusions that were my life for 37 years.

So sorry for the ramble, I really need to get all this out of my head. Would love to go and lie down now, I feel drained and exhausted, but have to get on with the housework before DS gets up from his nap.

3nab- you should use this thread however you feel is of benefit to you.

Yes I also totally related to Danae's insightful post re money/finances.
Only in the last 18months have I taken control. I have been in debt many a time, and often earnt good money, yet never had anything to show for it.
I really think the reason this turned around was having ds, and being in such a financial bind when we did, then coming back home to feel the full force of parental control (again) via finances (i.e being bailed out...again).
I remember feeling so at all the strings attached and thought....never again (bit of a gone with the wins moment I think)

My vice...food....yep spent thousands on food. Fancy restaurants, dined in by the rich and famous..expensive cappucino's and lunches,.to stuffing my face in front of the tv with a takeaway or bag full of choclate booty.

And yes its played havoc with ,my weight. Have also been anorexic at one point and bullimic at another.

I know I try and fill a void with food, it's a compulsion.

Right now?....internet shopping and toys, dvds for ds!

oneplusone- I cant offer any advice but all I can say is I am in exactly the same place as you as regards my sister. I know Ive said before, but reading your post brings up the same feelings for me.

Our closeness I had to acknowledge was a complete fabrication on my part. Wishful thinking.

It hurts also, because she is 'the princess', I have to also acknowledge my feelings of intense jelousy at her preferential treatment.
I know a lot of this is based purely on looks...she looks like my mother, is built like my mother, yet, I look like my father. I was made to feel unattractive by comparison and I know this was my mother projecting her feelings, inadequacies, and tensions with my father on to me.

A classic line from her 'Oh (look of disgust) you are just like your father'

My father favours my sister because she looks like my mother but he can put her on her pedastal, and yet she will remain obediant and compliant (unlike my mother) So she has become a surrogate wife in many ways.

You are right though in feeling stronger for acknowledging the stark truth to yourself. I have just decided I can do no more. My relationship with my sister is a one-way street and Ive reached yet another dead end. I know without me doing the 'donkey' work there is no relationship to be had.

It 'is' sad oneplusone, but, sadder still is to allow our siblings to treat us as second class citizens. That's just like being hurt by our parents all over again.